Slime City Massacre (Greg Lamberson, 2010)

Whenever I hear someone call a woman (or a man) a "dirty whore," they're usually way off the mark. First of all, they're not dirty (you could eat an entire bucket of day-old escargot off their immaculately manicured taints and not even get as much as a head cold). And secondly, they're not whores. Sure, they perform sex acts for money. But everyone does that, and everyone can't be a whore, now can they? Judging by the sly expression on your face, I think you know what I'm going to say next. Well, I just watched Greg Lamberson's Slime City Massacre, the long awaited sequel to his Slime City, a.k.a. one of the greatest horror films of all-time, and it, my friend, is literally stuffed to the gills with dirty whores. It's true, we could sit here all day and debate the merits of the film from a technical point-of-view, but the fact that the whores that populate this post-dirty bomb hellscape were covered in copious amounts of dirt caused my spirit to soar. Of course, some might say Greg Lamberson went a little overboard when it came to the soiling the prostitutes seen throughout this movie. But let's not forget, there's no running water in this universe. They could, I suppose, bathe in that tub of orange goo that used to be the vivacious Debbie Rochon. But, as everyone knows, orange goo dries out your skin. And no-one wants to penetrate a dirty whore with dry, ashy skin (trust me, I know).

Then again, if I saw a pre-orange goo Debbie Rochon walking around Slime City with dirty legs, I would be the first to volunteer to lick them clean.

It should be noted that I'm not implying that Debbie Rochon is a dirty whore. Everyone, whether they be a dirty whore, a fat fuck or an unkempt Debbie Rochon, is covered in filth. Being unclean is normal in this world.

If that's the case, what's up with Alexa (Jennifer Bihl), her gams are spotless?

You could argue that since her character is new to the area, her legs haven't had time to get sufficiently begrimed.

However, as anyone who has seen the film knows, Alexa's mouth-watering stems remain clean from start to finish. Actually, they do turn pink later on in the film. But still, being pink isn't the same as being dirty.

While the solution for dirty legs is good old fashion soap and water (or my tongue), the solution for pink legs, or, in Debbie Rochon's case, orange legs, is good old fashion murder.

Along with her boyfriend, Cory (Kealan Patrick Burke), Alexa thinks they may have found a new home in post-apocalyptic New York City when they stumble upon the ruins of an old apartment complex dubbed "Slime City" by its residents. Little do they know that a Flesh Cult started in the late 1950s by Zachary Devin (Robert C. Saban), a deceptively affable fellow, used to perform rituals and throw wild sex orgies in the building's basement.

Instead of dying, the cult members turn themselves into ectoplasmic slime, which is placed in tubs labeled "Himalayan Yogurt." And when this "yogurt" is ingested along with Zachary Devin's Home Brewed Elixir by non-cult members, the spirit of the dead Flesh Cult member enters their body, which immediately begins to ooze iridescent slime.

In the case of Alexa, it's pink slime. In the case of Cory, it's green slime. As I mentioned earlier, Debbie Rochon oozes orange slime. And Debbie's boyfriend, Mason (Lee Perkins), he oozes blue slime.

In order to placate, or, appease the slime, the slimee must kill. If you listen to the way Cory and Mason are carrying on, that doesn't seem to be a problem, as this dump is crawling with lowlifes to kill. But Alexa isn't all that thrilled with idea of killing people (even if they are lowlifes) to help stave off the melting process.

Welcome to Slime City: Come for the not-so scenic views, stay for the radioactive yogurt.

Side effects from eating radioactive yogurt may include: Involuntary spasms, syrupy iridescent discharge, structural paralysis and full body moistness.

It's true, while the majority of these side effects might not sound all that pleasant on paper, have you ever had sexual intercourse while experiencing full body moistness? It's quite the scene, man.

Anyway, no wonder...

...Alexa's legs are so...

...silky smooth...

She moisturizes with slime.

Make all the boys cream their chinos and use slime on your legs as a part of your daily beauty regimen.

Seriously, not only do her legs never get dirty, they look like they were bathed in a lavender-scented cesspool.

Exploring the history and the future of the Slime City mythos in a manner that is both entertaining (Debbie Rochon spends the bulk of the movie as a puddle of orange of sludge) and enlightening (I had no idea blow jobs were a thing in 1959... I always had this idea in my head that sex was strictly vaginal back then), Slime City Massacre is a sleazy, grimy, and, most importantly, slimy, treat for the whole family. Okay, maybe not the whole family, but maybe a small subset of your family (your perverted Uncle __ and your deranged Aunt ___ will eat this shit up).

Boasting a cool shout out to Basket Case ("What's in the basket?"), a kick ass opening credits sequence (artwork by Stephen Romano), the return of Mary Huner-Bogle (the leggy enchantress from the original), a great location (an abandoned warehouse in Buffalo), cool props (the book "Flesh Control: The Shape of Pleasure" being my fave), awesome extras (I loved how dirty the hookers looked), kinky sex (Mason fingers Alice's orange puddle at one point), and, of course, a Lloyd Kaufman cameo (Roy Frumkes, writer of Street Trash, has small part as well), I would say that Slime City Massacre does the first film proud and then some.

Hanger (Ryan Nicholson, 2009)

Bathed in perpetual darkness, the world of Hanger is no place for those who menstruate on a semi-regular basis. And, no, not just because a deformed tampon enthusiast of Chinese decent will most likely use your bloodstained rag to make tea with, it's simply not safe out there for whores with working uteruses. Crawling with track-suit-wearing pimps, drug addicts, disfigured basket cases, skankier than usual prostitutes and puss-laden psychopaths, Ryan Nicholson's... (Don't forget Lloyd Kaufman in pink knee-high fishnet stockings.) Ugh, don't remind me. There are plenty of disgusting images in this movie, but I have to say, the sight of Lloyd Kaufman as a transgender prostitute getting his dick burned on a stove is at the top of the list of things I'd like to forget. Okay, where was I? Ah, yes, Ryan Nicholson's Hanger. Crawling with the stuff I just cited (pimps, hookers, psychos, etc.), the full-time make-up artist, part-time sick fuck follows up his extremely heinous Gutterballs with a film so vile, so egregious, that–yep, you guessed it–I can't help but admire it; parts of it, anyway. Don't get me wrong, I'll continue to pretend every now and then that I was deeply shocked by what I saw transpire throughout this back-alley abortion masquerading as cinema. But damn, it's so fucking sleazy. And let's get real, I can't hate a movie that features one of the most offensively hilarious characters in movie history.

The amount of discomfort I felt as we're introduced to Wade Gibb's Russell was off the bleeding charts. At first I thought his character, a junkyard employee who loves beer and porn, was merely retarded; which he sort of is. However, when the other characters started referring to his Chinese heritage, I became slightly bewildered. Oh my God, he's supposed to be Chinese?!? I thought to myself. And you don't have to be a genius to figure out that Wade Gibb  isn't Chinese.

Yet, despite his total lack of credentials in the being Chinese department, Wade Gibb manages to win the audience over by giving a strangely endearing performance.

Actually, I don't know about that. Oh, and I don't mean to imply that I'm wrong about Wade Gibb's brave performance. What I mean is, I don't think a huge chunk of the audience will be able to make it past the coat-hanger abortion scene.

Occurring near the fifteen minute mark, the coat-hanger abortion scene has a close-up shot of a wire hanger being inserted into a vagina. Even though the vagina in question is clearly fake, the scene will be too disturbing for some people.

At any rate, the sight of three hookers (who vary in degree of attractiveness) watching Class of Nuke 'Em High on television is the first thing we see as Hanger gets underway. This is a dicey decision on Ryan Nicholson's part, as some folks will no doubt wish they had watched Class of Nuke 'Em High instead of this non-life affirming piece of filth.

Adding a smidgen of class to the proceedings, the always vivacious Debbie Rochon plays Rose, a down on her luck prostitute who is pregnant. Constantly hassled by her pimp Leroy (Ronald Patrick Thompson), Rose (whose jet black hair is crimped - yeah, baby) finds solace with a John named... well, let's just call him John (Dan Ellis).

Promising to get straight, Rose tells John she has turned a corner and is ready to become a mother. Unfortunately, Leroy doesn't want her get to her shit together. And after killing Rose in a cheap motel room, Leroy then rips her unborn baby out of her womb with a coat-hanger and throws it in a nearby dumpster.

Fast-forward to eighteen years later and that baby is now a physically and emotionally scarred freak living on the streets.

On his eighteenth birthday, the deformed freak, who goes by the name, Hanger (Nathan Dashwood), is picked up by John in his truck. It's not clear yet if John is Hanger's father. But as John says about his relationship with his mother: "I always left my deposit with the box, not the teller." Meaning, he preferred to ejaculate his semen into Rose's vagina whenever they had sexual intercourse. Which, according to John, was quite often.

Getting Hanger a job at a recycling plant and a place to live, John seems to have the kid's best interests at heart. Oh, and given that Hanger's face is deformed as a result of his irregular birth, Hanger dresses like a member of The KLF whose been crossbred with a Belarusian sniper.

Even through he sees himself as a "good guy," make no mistake, John is a huge scumbag. Think I'm kidding? Just ask the poor hooker whose head he crushed with the door of his truck. You see, to celebrate Hanger's eighteenth birthday, John decides to fix up him with a prostitute. Well, after the working girl in the shiny black thigh-high high heel boots gets one look at Hanger, she kinda loses it. Of course, I'm not saying she deserved to have her head smashed for reacting that way. I'm just saying... Actually, I have no idea what I'm saying.

When I saw John Leslie's "slanty-eyed" make-up in Femmes de Sades, I was truly horrified. Yet, part of me was a tad forgiving since it was 1976. I know, that's no excuse. But c'mon, man, they didn't know any better back then. Okay, so, what's the deal with Wade Gibb's Russell, Hanger's "slanty-eyed retard" roommate/co-worker? What I'm getting at is: It's 2009. How was this allowed to happen?

The tone I'm currently employing is not too self-righteous, is it? Nonetheless, I liked the subplot that involved that Russell collecting the used the tampons that belong to a female co-worker named Nicole (Candice Lewald), the so-called "trash princess."

Um, I'm sorry, but Nicole isn't the trash princess in this film. No, that title belongs to the gorgeous Stephanie Walker, who, I think–Nadia Grey is credited as a character called "Smashy"–plays "Trashy." Now, I'm not just crowning Trashy the "trash princess" because she's called "Trashy," she is truly a trash princess.

Don't believe me? Well, her first line of dialogue has her listing the prices of the various services she provides. "Head is 20, pussy is 80 and anal is 200," she forthrightly informs John, who is looking to exact revenge on Leroy for what he did to Rose and Hanger.

If that isn't proof enough, Trashy pulls down her black fishnet pantyhose, wipes her vagina with her hand, and smears said hand all over John's face.

What?!? You're still not convinced. After Leroy leaves the room, Trashy pulls down her black fishnet pantyhose (every action she does in this movie, by the way, seems to involve her pulling down her black fishnet pantyhose), shoves her beautiful ass in John's face, and proceeds to cut three or four juicy farts.

If Ryan Nicholson had any sense, he would have made Trashy the star of the film, as anyone with a half a brain can see that Stephanie Walker/Nadia Grey is super-talented. But alas, we have to endure scenes that involve wound rape, gay rape, soiled diaper fights, crab humour, douche-noozle homicide, blow torch torture, tampon tea taste tests, female masturbation, chubby Jehovah's Witnesses, and the mass consumption of beer and porn.

Oh, and Trashy doesn't have "cirrhosis of the taco," as Leroy crudely states at one point during the film. She's a delicate flower who deserves to be pampered. Of course, no one is pampered in Hanger. It's puerile, disgusting and crass.

Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV (2000)

It's been roughly ten years since we last heard from Melvin Junko, a.k.a. The Toxic Avenger, "Toxie" to his friends, the hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength from Tromaville, New Jersey. Or has it? You see, while most people had to wait roughly ten years to get their next Toxie fix, I merely had to wait ten hours. The only downside of this sudden deluge of toxic-related cinema is that my mind has slowly started to erode. To put it another way, Lloyd Kaufman has begun appearing in my dreams. Do I wish the bespectacled Debbie Rochon or the adorably retarded Sweetie Honey were appearing in my dreams instead? Sure I do. That blue-haired lesbian art student with the plump titties can invade my dreams as well if she wants. In fact, all Tromettes are welcome to wallow in my subconscious (try to keep your fetid vaginal juices off my designer throw pillows, I just had them professionally cleaned at my go-to throw pillow cleaning place, "Those Aren't Pillows! Oh, wait, yes they are... Professional Pillow Cleaners Inc."). Don't worry, Lloyd doesn't do anything lewd or lascivious in my dreams. Every time I start to dream, a hyperactive Lloyd Kaufman jumps into frame and begins to introduce what I should expect in the dream I'm about to dream. Of course, everything his says doesn't come to fruition, but his enthusiasm is quite infectious. And another thing, I've noticed that whenever I'm watching a non-Troma film, that I start to get antsy after about ten seconds. At first I thought a bloodthirsty flea had crawled into my girdle. But then I realized, that's no flea, I'm antsy because no one in this non-Troma film is getting their arm forcibly removed or their head bashed in by a hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength.

You see what you've done, Lloyd Kaufman, my craving for wanton gore and excessive violence has gotten out of control. And not only that, if I don't see a character vomit, spew, hurl, or puke green slime every four or five minutes, or an old lady run over by the evil doppelgänger of Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D. every now and then, I get a super-serious case of restless leg syndrome. And you know the only way to cure a super-serious case of restless leg syndrome is to stab yourself repeatedly in the neck with a rusty speculum.

Now that I've sufficiently established that my brain has basically been ruined, or, liberated, depending on your point of view, by Troma, I can calmly go about addressing that stupid ass elephant that is currently taking up so much space in this particular room. (What elephant?) Don't play dumb. You know which elephant. Her name is Sarah/Claire. She's sometimes blind.She's always leggy. And she digs radioactive cock.

In the first film, The Toxic Avenger, Toxie's girlfriend, Sarah, is played by the beguiling Andree Maranda. And in The Toxic Avenger Part II and The Toxic Avenger Part III: The Last Temptation of Toxie, Toxie's girlfriend, Claire, is played by the wonderfully insane Phoebe Legere.

Saddled with the unenviable task of following in the footsteps of a pair of actresses who give, what I consider to be, two of the greatest performances in film history, Heidi Sjursen has her work cut out for her.

Actually, before I give my verdict regarding Heidi Sjursen's performance as Sarah/Claire, I would like talk about the exhaustively awesome opening scene that takes place at the Tromaville School For The Very Special on "Take a Mexican to Lunch Day." I liken this particular scene to a filmed wince. (A filmed what?) You know, a wince. A slight grimace caused by pain or distress. Well, this what a wince would look like if you were to say film it using cameras.

The luminous Debbie Rochon is teaching a class filled with tards... (Okay, I'm going to have to stop you right there. "Tards"?!? You know better than that.) Fine. It's taco day at the Tromaville School For The Very Special, and the very pregnant Ms. Weiner (the still luminous Debbie Rochon) is teaching the students all about tacos. When, all of a sudden... (Don't tell me, a gang calling themselves "The Diaper Mafia" burst into the classroom wielding automatic weapons.) How did you know that was going to happen? (Um, this is my fourth Toxic Avenger movie in as many days, so, I kinda know what to expect.)

Anyway, whether squirting baby milk into Sweetie Honey's face or beating her over the head with their massive breasts, certain members of The Diaper Mafia seem to enjoy picking on Sweetie Honey. And I have to say, this has got to stop. In fact, the next diaper-wearing reprobate who even looks at Sweetie Honey (Lisa Terezakis) in a manner I deem objectionable is going to feel the brunt of a tartar-causing knuckle sandwich. Am I making myself clear? What's that? It's only a movie, eh? Well, we'll see about that.

Movie or not, no one shoots milk from a baby bottle, especially while holding the baby bottle crotch level as if to convey that the baby bottle is your erect penis, in Sweet Honey's face and lives to tell about it. At least not on my watch.

When I first saw Tito (Michael Budinger) masturbating right in the middle of class to Over 50 Magazine, I had no idea this stuttering half a tard would become such an iconic character. The self-proclaimed "Rebel Retard," Tito plays by his own rules. So much so that when The Diaper Mafia burst into the class, he says, "Fuck this, I'm out of here," and leaves the classroom.

In no mood to take part in a hostage situation, Tito resigns to the maintenance closet to shoot heroin. Speaking of maintenance closets, you know what they keep in maintenance closets? (I don't know, cleaning products.) That's right, cleaning products. And what's the best device to use to deploy said cleaning prod... (Cut the shit, when does David Mattey's Toxie show up?) Toxie? He should be here in a few minutes to kill some diapered assholes. (Good, that's all I needed to know.)

In terms of evaluating Diaper Mafia hotness, the woman in the pinkish pantyhose is... Oh, wait. They're all wearing pinkish pantyhose, even the men. Hmm. I got it. Do you see the taut blonde straddling that lucky tard at the back of the class? Yeah, well, she has got it going on. And what makes what she's got going on go on even further is the fact that she looses her diaper midway through the scene. Meaning, the only thing standing between us and her supple as creamed corn undercarriage is a thin layer of pinkish nylon. Yum.

When Toxie finally does arrive to save the day, he disembowels, asphyxiates (with freshly defecated excrement), stabs (with pencil-sharpened fingers), and generally fucks up a shitload of those pesky infantile troublemakers for daring to mess with Tromaville's most precious resource: it's tards. (What about Joe Fleishaker, Toxie's morbidly obese sidekick, doesn't he fuck anyone up?) You mean, Lardass? (yeah, him.) Hmm, not really. He does spread peanut butter all over a bomb, then eats it. Oh, and when the bomb blows up inside Lardass's stomach, it causes a rift to form in the spacetime continuum. (Huh?)

I'll let James Gunn explain. Oh, crap! (What?!?) Look at that. James Gunn, who plays the wheelchair bound and slightly retarded Doctor Flem Hocking, is surrounded by  Troma babes. (So?) Don't you see, I can't focus on plot-centric exposition of a scientific nature with, count 'em, four Troma babes, or "Tromettes," as they're some times called, standing in the frame at once. I mean, look at them. They're amazing. One of them even has a lazy-eye! Double yum.

Which reminds me. Even though I've watched four Toxic Avenger movies in as many days, I wouldn't exactly call myself a Troma expert. But there is one thing I do know, and that is, Troma's talent for casting attractive women, whether they be leading ladies or background people, is first-rate. The next time you find yourself watching a Troma movie, make sure to take the time to appreciate the effort that must have been made to cast interesting-looking women.

Why is Toxie ripping off the arms of the chief of police and throwing that twelve-year old girl against a brick wall? (Oh, man, you really weren't listening to James Gunn, were you?) What can I say, I'm sucker for chicks with lazy-eyes. (At any rate, that's not Toxie, that's Noxie, The Noxious Offender, the evil Toxie who lives in Amortville. And, well, after the explosion, the evil Toxie is transported to Tromaville.) Okay, I get it now. (It's good to have you on board.)

And since Noxie is in Amortville, that would mean the good Toxie, along with Tito and Sweetie Honey, is currently in Amortville. (Exactly.) This applies to all the residents of Tromaville. For example, the Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD (Paul Kyrmse) in Tromaville is a lovable drunk with low-esteem, while the Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD in Amortville is an evil sadist who enjoys running over old ladies.

While the evil Toxie teams up with Sgt. Kazinski (Dan Snow), a psychotic cop, to turn Tromaville into a fascist dictatorship (Mayor Ron Jeremy didn't stand a chance, nor did Dolphin Man), the good Toxie must survive on the means streets of Amortville long enough to find a way home. Joining forces with a severed head named Pompey (Barry Brisco), good Toxie, the crack-addicted Tito, and the too cute for words Sweetie Honey take the fight to the unruly residents of Amortville, who are basically a bunch of cock-chugging masochists. Hell, even Chester, Lardass's Amortville persona, is a shameless whore.

Speaking of whores, Claire (Heidi Sjursen), the woman who looks like Toxie's Sarah in the Amortville universe, manages to somehow retain her sex appeal. Playing a dentally challenged angel in the black stockings covered in runs, Heidi Sjursen basically steals the movie as the hearing impaired Claire, a woman who expects the good Toxie to fill her chocolate starfish with chunky, chunky dick snot. It would seem that the evil Toxie mistreats Claire in this realm. Meaning, that Sarah, Toxie's blind wife from Tromaville, who is pregnant with the good Toxie's baby, is going to be mistreated when the evil Toxie finds her.

Oh, he's going to do more than "mistreat her," he's going to force her to make out with a blue-haired lesbian at one point. (Wait, that doesn't sound so bad.) Actually, I don't want to describe what the evil Toxie does to Sarah, as his penis scares me.

At any rate, I didn't think it was humanly possible but Heidi Sjursen can hold her head up high, as her performance as Sarah/Claire is just as compelling as the one's given by Andree Maranda and Phoebe Legere, who are legends as far as I'm concerned. I know, that's high praise. And, at first I was like, who does this chick think she is? But slowly but surely, she began to win me over.

Bringing the bubbly retarded bent that is the cornerstone of the Sarah character, Heidi amps up the clueless head movements and adds a bit of breathy confusion to the role. Oh, and the fact that she spends the majority of the third act pregnant and covered in blood is to be commended.

In the alternate universe, things are completely different. (How so?) I'll tell you how so. Constantly waving her arms about in an attempt to perform sign language, Heidi Sjursen's Claire is even more demented than Sarah. The teeth, the torn stockings, the PVC mini-skirt, the arm flailing, the slutty demenour, the bruises, everything about Claire is awesome. In the film's best scene, Claire allows Chester to lick her feet while consuming a block of cheese at the same time.

Rectal hemorrhaging abortion doctors, Corey Feldman, blue-haired lesbians, dwarf Gods, Matrix-style fight scenes involving upright cows, the bloodiest hospital hallway fight sequence in film history (the arterial spray was like a freaking fire hose), Julie Strain, a womb-based battle where mop-wielding foetuses fight to the death, a gay porno set, Lisa Gaye, sign language, and lazy eyes. As you can clearly see, this film has it all. I think Tito should get his own movie, as I think the self-proclaimed "Retarded Rebel" has more to give to the world of cinema. Don't groan too loudly, but I think I need to go into detox. Get it. "Detox." I just watched all The Toxic Avenger movies, and now I need to... (We get it. Now, go outside. You're clearly toxic, and clearly on the cusp of slipping under.) Oh, and if I ask you what your favourite Britney Spears' song is, and you don't immediately say, "Toxic," you're clearly retarded. ;)