Thursday, October 9, 2014

Hanger (Ryan Nicholson, 2009)

Bathed in perpetual darkness, the world of Hanger is no place for those who menstruate on a semi-regular basis. And, no, not just because a deformed tampon enthusiast of Chinese decent will most likely use your bloodstained rag to make tea with, it's simply not safe out there for whores with working uteruses. Crawling with track-suit-wearing pimps, drug addicts, disfigured basket cases, skankier than usual prostitutes and puss-laden psychopaths, Ryan Nicholson's... (Don't forget Lloyd Kaufman in pink knee-high fishnet stockings.) Ugh, don't remind me. There are plenty of disgusting images in this movie, but I have to say, the sight of Lloyd Kaufman as a transgender prostitute getting his dick burned on a stove is at the top of the list of things I'd like to forget. Okay, where was I? Ah, yes, Ryan Nicholson's Hanger. Crawling with the stuff I just cited (pimps, hookers, psychos, etc.), the full-time make-up artist, part-time sick fuck follows up his extremely heinous Gutterballs with a film so vile, so egregious, that–yep, you guessed it–I can't help but admire it; parts of it, anyway. Don't get me wrong, I'll continue to pretend every now and then that I was deeply shocked by what I saw transpire throughout this back-alley abortion masquerading as cinema. But damn, it's so fucking sleazy. And let's get real, I can't hate a movie that features one of the most offensively hilarious characters in movie history.

The amount of discomfort I felt as we're introduced to Wade Gibb's Russell was off the bleeding charts. At first I thought his character, a junkyard employee who loves beer and porn, was merely retarded; which he sort of is. However, when the other characters started referring to his Chinese heritage, I became slightly bewildered. Oh my God, he's supposed to be Chinese?!? I thought to myself. And you don't have to be a genius to figure out that Wade Gibb  isn't Chinese.

Yet, despite his total lack of credentials in the being Chinese department, Wade Gibb manages to win the audience over by giving a strangely endearing performance.

Actually, I don't know about that. Oh, and I don't mean to imply that I'm wrong about Wade Gibb's brave performance. What I mean is, I don't think a huge chunk of the audience will be able to make it past the coat-hanger abortion scene.

Occurring near the fifteen minute mark, the coat-hanger abortion scene has a close-up shot of a wire hanger being inserted into a vagina. Even though the vagina in question is clearly fake, the scene will be too disturbing for some people.

At any rate, the sight of three hookers (who vary in degree of attractiveness) watching Class of Nuke 'Em High on television is the first thing we see as Hanger gets underway. This is a dicey decision on Ryan Nicholson's part, as some folks will no doubt wish they had watched Class of Nuke 'Em High instead of this non-life affirming piece of filth.

Adding a smidgen of class to the proceedings, the always vivacious Debbie Rochon plays Rose, a down on her luck prostitute who is pregnant. Constantly hassled by her pimp Leroy (Ronald Patrick Thompson), Rose (whose jet black hair is crimped - yeah, baby) finds solace with a John named... well, let's just call him John (Dan Ellis).

Promising to get straight, Rose tells John she has turned a corner and is ready to become a mother. Unfortunately, Leroy doesn't want her get to her shit together. And after killing Rose in a cheap motel room, Leroy then rips her unborn baby out of her womb with a coat-hanger and throws it in a nearby dumpster.

Fast-forward to eighteen years later and that baby is now a physically and emotionally scarred freak living on the streets.

On his eighteenth birthday, the deformed freak, who goes by the name, Hanger (Nathan Dashwood), is picked up by John in his truck. It's not clear yet if John is Hanger's father. But as John says about his relationship with his mother: "I always left my deposit with the box, not the teller." Meaning, he preferred to ejaculate his semen into Rose's vagina whenever they had sexual intercourse. Which, according to John, was quite often.

Getting Hanger a job at a recycling plant and a place to live, John seems to have the kid's best interests at heart. Oh, and given that Hanger's face is deformed as a result of his irregular birth, Hanger dresses like a member of The KLF whose been crossbred with a Belarusian sniper.

Even through he sees himself as a "good guy," make no mistake, John is a huge scumbag. Think I'm kidding? Just ask the poor hooker whose head he crushed with the door of his truck. You see, to celebrate Hanger's eighteenth birthday, John decides to fix up him with a prostitute. Well, after the working girl in the shiny black thigh-high high heel boots gets one look at Hanger, she kinda loses it. Of course, I'm not saying she deserved to have her head smashed for reacting that way. I'm just saying... Actually, I have no idea what I'm saying.

When I saw John Leslie's "slanty-eyed" make-up in Femmes de Sades, I was truly horrified. Yet, part of me was a tad forgiving since it was 1976. I know, that's no excuse. But c'mon, man, they didn't know any better back then. Okay, so, what's the deal with Wade Gibb's Russell, Hanger's "slanty-eyed retard" roommate/co-worker? What I'm getting at is: It's 2009. How was this allowed to happen?

The tone I'm currently employing is not too self-righteous, is it? Nonetheless, I liked the subplot that involved that Russell collecting the used the tampons that belong to a female co-worker named Nicole (Candice Lewald), the so-called "trash princess."

Um, I'm sorry, but Nicole isn't the trash princess in this film. No, that title belongs to the gorgeous Stephanie Walker, who, I think–Nadia Grey is credited as a character called "Smashy"–plays "Trashy." Now, I'm not just crowning Trashy the "trash princess" because she's called "Trashy," she is truly a trash princess.

Don't believe me? Well, her first line of dialogue has her listing the prices of the various services she provides. "Head is 20, pussy is 80 and anal is 200," she forthrightly informs John, who is looking to exact revenge on Leroy for what he did to Rose and Hanger.

If that isn't proof enough, Trashy pulls down her black fishnet pantyhose, wipes her vagina with her hand, and smears said hand all over John's face.

What?!? You're still not convinced. After Leroy leaves the room, Trashy pulls down her black fishnet pantyhose (every action she does in this movie, by the way, seems to involve her pulling down her black fishnet pantyhose), shoves her beautiful ass in John's face, and proceeds to cut three or four juicy farts.

If Ryan Nicholson had any sense, he would have made Trashy the star of the film, as anyone with a half a brain can see that Stephanie Walker/Nadia Grey is super-talented. But alas, we have to endure scenes that involve wound rape, gay rape, soiled diaper fights, crab humour, douche-noozle homicide, blow torch torture, tampon tea taste tests, female masturbation, chubby Jehovah's Witnesses, and the mass consumption of beer and porn.

Oh, and Trashy doesn't have "cirrhosis of the taco," as Leroy crudely states at one point during the film. She's a delicate flower who deserves to be pampered. Of course, no one is pampered in Hanger. It's puerile, disgusting and crass.

No comments:

Post a Comment