Sunday, January 20, 2019

Blood Rage (John Grissmer, 1987)

If your twin sons were running around an expansive Jacksonville, Florida apartment complex murdering people with a machete, you'd drink multiple glasses of wine, too. And you'd probably vacuum the entire apartment, clean the oven, make several phone calls on a rotary telephone, eat Thanksgiving leftovers directly from the refrigerator and pass out in the hall. I mean, think about it. I said, "expansive" apartment complex. In other words, there are plenty of people to murder. Shot in 1983, released in 1987, Blood Rage (a.k.a. Nightmare at Shadow Woods), is a slasher flick with a... Seriously, 1987? You expect me to believe men and women wore shorts that short in 1987? (What are you babbling about?) It's just that I was under the impression that this film was from 1987. And it clearly isn't. Date confusion aside, the film, directed by John Grissmer, has everything you would want from a slasher film and more. The gore is fantastic, the actors who can act (Louise Lasser and Mark Soper) are sort of/kind of amazing and the actors who can't act get killed real good (you know, because the gore is, like I said, fantastic). Of course, I'm not one of those "gore people," but I definitely like to watch people get murdered in ways that are satisfyingly grisly. (And the people in this movie get murdered that way?) Oh, they get murdered "that way," all right. In fact, one lucky bastard gets stabbed in the neck with a fork. A freakin' fork!

(Wait, why is he "lucky"? Isn't being stabbed in the neck with a fork a bad thing?) This may come as a surprise, but I would kill to be murdered with a fork in Blood Rage. Actually, I would consider it to be a honour. No, hear me out. While everyone else around you is being murdered with a machete, your ass is wasted with a fork, which is totally not a machete.

It should be noted before I continue that the synth score by Richard Einhorn is flat-out awesome.

So, yeah, fantastic gore and awesome synths. What more could you want?

What's that? You say you need a milfy gold digger in black stockings. Oh, this movie has got you covered, my pervy not yet buttered little crumpet.

A single mom named Julie (Jayne Bentzen) thinks she has bagged herself a "rich daddy." Little does she know, that while she was out bagging this fella, Andrea (Lisa Randall), the college-age woman she hired to babysit her stupid fuckin' baby, has invited over a murderous twin to watch television. And, trust me, this is going to put a serious damper on Julie's social life.

To "seal the deal," Julie sheaths her long, milfy stems into a pair sheer black stockings. Yum?

I know, the twin she invites over, Terry (Mark Soper), is supposed to be the sane twin. But as we all know, Todd (Mark Soper), the supposed insane twin, isn't as insane as we were lead to believe.

It all started at a drive-in theater back in 1974, when a preteen Terry and Todd decide to leave the backseat of their mom's car while she's making out with her boyfriend. Stumbling upon an axe, Terry says: Hey, you know what? I think I'll axe one of these horny teenagers in the face with the axe I just stumbled upon.

Not wanting to see his brother get in trouble, Todd grabs the axe... No wait, I think Terry gives Todd the axe and smears blood over his face. Either way, Todd, not Terry, is the one who gets sent to a mental hospital.
Fast-forward ten years, and Terry is a semi-popular college student with a semi-attractive girlfriend, Todd's a basket case and their mom, Maddy (Louise Lasser) is still trying to find a man (I hear ya, honey).

We quickly learn that Terry is still kind of twitchy when we watch him react to the news that Maddy is going to marry this Brad fuckface, the owner/landlord/whatever of Shadow Woods, the expansive Jacksonville, Florida apartment complex I alluded to earlier.

Celebrating Thanksgiving with his mother, Brad, Karen (Julie Gordon), his semi-attractive girlfriend, and Andrea, a gal who knows how to rock blue eye shadow and dark red lipstick, Terry decides to exploit the fact that his twin brother is rumoured to have escaped "the loony bin" and is heading straight for Shadow Woods to cause a little mayhem.

And by "exploit," I mean murder people a machete and have the people he hasn't yet murdered with a machete believe it's Todd who's murdering people... with a machete.

I wonder if the machete matches the drapes.

In order to increase the body count, the film adds Todd's doctor, her "male helper" and two male students with dark hair.

And, yes, one of these dark-haired male students is stabbed in the neck with a fork. I won't say which one because I can't... Wait, I think he's the one who is friend-zoned by Karen. Anyway, while the bifurcation, the hand chopping and the severed head dangling in the doorway scenes are all noteworthy, I prefer fork to the neck scene.

Since I'm a sucker for repeated lines, I gotta say, I loved Terry's constant surprise when he finds out his victim's blood isn't cranberry sauce. And I also gotta say, Mark Soper is not only hot, he's a pretty good actor. And I'm not just saying that because he's playing both Todd and Terry (Can You Party), he's got a strange magnetism about him. Sure, he's doing a bunch of awful things, but you can't help but like the guy.

The film's strongest performance is easily the one given by Louise Lasser, who, technically, shouldn't be in this movie. I guess Susan Tyrrell was busy that week. Nevertheless, even though the film doesn't really deserve to have her, Louise Lasser brings some much needed class to the proceedings. Though, the class she brings is the slightly demented variety. Acting mostly by herself, the scenes where Maddy struggles to maintain her sanity while her twin sons are running wild around Shadow Woods are oddly compelling.

I don't know about you, but I found the regular updates as to what Maddy was up to broke up the monotony of the slashing and stabbing that was occurring all around her.

Don't get me wrong, I dug the slashing and stabbing. But every slasher needs a gimmick, and this one's just happens to be slashing and stabbing mixed together with scenes where the mother of twins loses her mind while drinking lots of wine.

Oh, and I don't usually care about nonsense like this... But the picture quality of the Arrow Video release was pristine. In fact, it's so good, I thought it was a modern day slasher parody when things got underway; the film is so '80s, you can't help but think it's a parody at times.

I mean, Ted Raimi plays a bathroom condom salesmen. Genius.

Saturday, December 8, 2018

Yum-Yum's Transition A Go-Go! (Me, 2017) - WARNING: This is not a movie review

Hey, cult movie fans, loyal readers, and miscellaneous weirdos and perverts. What's happening? I hope you're all doing well. It just dawned on me that I haven't posted a new movie review in quite some time. Which, you have to admit, is kinda messed up, as I'm usually pretty regimental when it comes to posting on HOSI.
Well, first off, I'm not dying. I'm doing fine. Just peachy, in fact. It's just that this whole "transition thing" is currently taking up a huge chunk of my time.
As a result, I haven't been able to focus on writing movie reviews as of late.
To be honest, I'm finding out the hard way that being trans is not only time consuming, it's exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. It's just turning out to be more work than I anticipated; you know, with all the doctors appointments, laser hair removal sessions, electrolysis, name change/gender marker paperwork (ugh, what a nightmare), counseling, blood tests, support groups, makeup tutorials, voice training, etc.
Hopefully I can get back to watching and reviewing fucked up and not-so fucked up movies with my trademark gusto soon.
In the meantime, thanks for the support.
~ Love, Yum-Yum/Emma 😊 💕 🇨🇦

Oh, and if you want to keep up with my transition, I still post regular updates on ☢️ Radioactive Lingerie ☢️, where you can find non-porn-adjacent, trans-centric posts using the "Transition Stuff" tag (note: you have to register to tumblr and have "safe mode" turned off to view my blog).

And don't forget to peruse the archives

Sunday, October 7, 2018

Babyface 2 (Alex de Renzy, 1986)

Ahh, look at me. I'm staring in the general direction of a motion picture of some kind, and, get this, I want to write words about it for some inexplicable reason. Now, I wasn't entirely sure if they still made motion pictures, or, "movies," as they're sometimes referred to. So, just to be safe, I selected one from a time period I knew was rife was movies. 1986, baby! I also picked one that featured plenty of disgustingly beautiful guys unloading lukewarm seminal fluid all over ultra-soft girl flesh. Why? Because that's what I like to pretend I like to watch/wallow in. Duh. I ain't kidding around, when the exhaustive orgy at the centre of Alex de Renzy's Babyface 2 goes into overdrive, I knew I had made the right choice. Actually, I felt a warm tingly sensation (where? I'd rather not say) when Jamie Gillis emerges from the cake at a well-attended bachelorette party taking place in some unnamed porno-soaked iridescent pantie stain of a city. Call me seriously unwell, but I'd rank Jamie Gillis introduction in Babyface 2 to be easily one of the greatest moments in cinema. Hyperbole? Maybe. Well, definitely, maybe, as I don't remember what 'hyperbole' means exactly. Just a second... an exaggerated statement or claim. Right. It might be that, but I swear to Satan, the sight of Jamie Gillis being all gross and slovenly as the stripper at a well-attended bachelorette party taking place in some unnamed rape-tinged overused diaphragm of a city was fucking glorious. Proving that he still knows a thing or two about defying conventions (from an anal and allegorical point of view), Alex de Renzy casts Jamie Gillis instead of, oh, let's say, the frightfully dim Francois Papillon as the stripper.

It's a stroke of genius.

Get it? Stroke? Most of the people (i.e. dudes) watching this movie will, at some point, stroke their blood-filled cock for pleasure-related purposes. Don't blame them for doing so, they do the bulk of their thinking with those things. Hmmm, I wonder what Ernest Borgnine's final erection would have thought of that pun? (You mean his final deathbed erection?) Yeah, that erection. I wonder about stuff like that when I'm not ovulating.

Anyway, I happen to think Jamie Gillis is gorgeous... in Waterpower from the mid-1970s. However, this film is from the mid-1980s. In other words, Jamie Gillis, to put it bluntly, looks like a scumbag. Yet, despite his overt scumbaggery, I can't help but overtly love the creepy fucking fuckface fucker.

I want to elope with the mustard stains on his undershirt... do crack cocaine on the outskirts of a fever dream until the end of time.

Out of all the cocks that appear in this movie, I'd say the one attached to Kevin James is the most appealing from a I want to suck it standpoint.

The main draw from a "I like to bang hot chicks all night long" angle, is, of course, Taija Rae and Lois Ayres.

I know, I know, why didn't open with a protracted soliloquy on the merits of Taija Rae's robust thighs or Lois Ayres' to die for new wave hairdo. Well, first things first, things are slightly different now. My brain is soaking in the mucus-laden contents of Tyne Daly's designer colostomy bag. So... That being said, I was relieved to see Jerry Butler's working class pelvic region cause Taija Rae's thick, Philly-raised buttocks ripple as a direct result of his equally working class pelvic thrusts. I sorely missed watching Jerry Butler mount Taija Rae for sex-related purposes.

Rivers of jizz, years of despair.

In fact, there were many moments in this film that caused me to get somewhat emotional. I didn't cry, exactly. But I started to realize midway through Babyface 2 how much I love well made sleaze. And Babyface 2 is definitely well made. Granted, it's not quite up to the level of Alex de Renzy's Pretty Peaches, Pretty Peaches 2, Pretty Peaches 3, or even Femmes de Sade. But it's way better than most of the putrid garbage floating around out there.

You could say, the film's biggest star is the wind machine, which keeps a steady indoor breeze going for the entire length of the film's epic orgy scene. But I won't say that... even though I sort of just did.

No, the film's biggest asset is its all star cast.

It's no secret, Taija Rae, Lois Ayres and Jamie Gillis are three of my favourite actors. And each get plenty of screen time.   

However, in the early going, the film belongs to Lois Ayres and Kevin James (Johnny Rico from Café Flesh).

(Why did you watch the video for "Magic" by The Cars before starting this review?)

Excellent question. First off, it's a great song/video (Ric Ocasek is seen walking on water in a pool... in a gaudy blazer... 'nuff said). And secondly, rumour doesn't have it that Alex de Renzy got the inspiration to make Babyface 2 after seeing the video on MTV. Oh, the reason I didn't said, "rumour doesn't have it," instead of the usual "rumour has it," is because I just made it up. That being said, this film's main theme does sort of sound like "Magic" by The Cars.

Picking up Lois, his cheerleading girlfriend in his white Trans Am, Kevin takes her to a shed (the owner of this shed is never revealed... maybe we'll learn his or her identity in Babyface 3??? ...whenever de Renzy gets his probably senile ass around to making it), so they have standard heterosexual sex in private. Now, while fucking in a shed isn't exactly commonplace, it's easily the most normal sex scene in the movie.

Of course, since the scene features Lois Ayres, I couldn't help but be drawn to Lois' hair and makeup. And laugh when Kevin James takes off his sneakers (Velcro!)

I did notice the garden tools hanging on the wall of the shed. As they fornicated, I kept imagining Lois and Kevin being brutally murdered with that giant tree pruner.

In what has to be one of the most romantic things ever, Kevin offers to use his sock to clean the physical representation of his orgasm off Lois' back.

She doesn't want his twitching seed slowly dying on her back as the rest of the day progresses, so he wipes away his sticky discharge with one of his socks. And they say chivalry is dead.

After we're done at the mystery shed, we're quickly whisked to Careena Collins' bachelorette party.

Everyone is there, Lois Ayres (sex toy enthusiast), Taija Rae (lingerie whore), Stacey Donovan (the world's biggest Skinny Puppy fan), Kristara Barrington (cock-starved shill for fruit flavoured lube), Lynn Francis (calamari!!!!! - my epic cunt smells like a dirty dish rag), and, of course, Careena Collins (her screams will be forever muffled by Jamie Gillis' filthy boxer shorts).

They play with sex toys, they giggle uncontrollably, they try on lingerie, they watch porno tapes, they... do a shitload of girly ass shit. It's fucking awesome.   

It's not a bachelorette party without a male stripper... Enter... Jamie Gillis. Like I said earlier, greatest entrance of all-time... hands down.

Drunk, dishevelled and drunk (Booger from Revenge of the Nerds/Bluto from Animal House), Jamie Gillis dances erotically for the chicks for a pretty long time. Wanting more, the ladies demand to see some skin. Give them a "proper show," as one of them puts it. Warning the women that they will be overcome with lust if he gets hard, Jamie Gillis unfurls his dirty, dry piss-covered erection... and, yeah... all hell breaks loose (clench your crevices, kids).  

The woman are, just like Jamie Gillis said they would be, overcome with lust, and start demanding cock.
Luckily for the women, a bunch of guys (and their cocks) do show up (including Tom Byron and Dick Rambone... Jesus), and the orgy to end all orgies breaks out.

Is the orgy scene exhausting? You bet it is. Did it cause me to think about how ridiculous the universe is when you get right down to it? How the fuck should I know? I was drunk on cloudy pickle brine when I watched this. However, you have got to admire a film that boasts an extensive orgy scene while a wind machine blasts the whole time. Think about it. Filming an orgy sounds like a logistical nightmare. Add the fact that the whole thing is done with a wind machine set on high, and you've got a potential disaster on your hands. While I'm sure the shooting of this sequence was difficult, the end result is nothing short of brilliant. Even if you have zero interest in watching 1980s drug addicts fuck on film, you have got to admire the execution. I mean, this is art.

It took me eight years to get around to watching Babyface 2. It was recommended to me by a blogger named "Gore Gore Girl." And I promised her that I would watch and review it someday. Um, sorry for taking so long. In my defense, I was waiting for a company like, Vinegar Syndrome, to put out a remastered, uncut version, and, yeah... the film looks amazing. It's a masterpiece.

Just realized it's the ten year anniversary of HOSI. Wait. Ten years?!? That's some fucked up shit right there.