Sunday, August 31, 2014

Femmes de Sade (Alex de Renzy, 1976)

Normally, I would gradually work my way to the scene I'm about to describe. But I can't stop thinking about it. Meaning, I'm afraid I'm going to have to write about it now. I hope you don't mind. Okay, here we go. First of all, I can't believe the amazing Monique Starr only ever appeared in three movies, as she  oozes exudes the right kind of charisma. However, after watching some of messed up shit she gets into in Alex de Renzy's Femmes de Sade, who could blame her? I mean, this film is a pretty tough act to follow. Oh, and when I say, "messed up shit," I'm not speaking metaphorically. Naked, but painted silver, Monique Starr's Royce, the North Beach, San Francisco prostitute with the toothy smile and the drag queen-quality eyebrows, enters the orgy with one thought and one thought only on her mind, and that is, revenge. While most people think revenge is a dish best served cold, Royce happens to think revenge should be served a tad on the warm side. After watching her fellow orgy-goers pee all over the object of her revenge en masse, Royce positions herself over her target. Crouching in a manner that is conducive to urination, Royce unleashes a torrent of piss all over her tormentor. Or does she? Unlike when her fellow orgy-goers peed en masse, we can't see what's coming out of Royce's body. For a second there, I felt somewhat cheated. Seriously, I thought the sight of Royce pissing all this sadistic asshole was what this film was all about. Well, it turns out Royce wasn't taking a piss, she was taking a shit.

As the lumps of freshly defecated fecal matter lay all over the overworked genitals belonging to Rocky de Sade (Ken Turner), I sat there dumfounded. Did she just do what I think she just did? When my dumbfoundedness eventually subsided, I started jumping up and down. And, yes, my jumping was entirely joy-based. I don't know what it was, but seeing Royce's poo languishing on Rocky's junk put me at ease.

However, it wasn't languishing there for long, as an unseen orgy-goer takes upon themselves to smear Royce's semisolid, mucus-coated poop all over his stomach and chest with their bare hands.

Actually, that's the part that upset me the most. No, not the loaf-pinching itself (like I said, that put me at ease), but the fact that the person doing the poo-smearing wasn't wearing gloves.

If you're asking yourself: What does someone have to do to justify being pissed on, shat upon and anally raped by a dildo at the greatest orgy the Bay Area has ever seen? Trust me, he had it coming. He, of course, being, Rocky de Sade, the man who puts the sick in sick fuck.

And, no, I'm not just saying that because I'm jealous of his "special ability," he is, hands down, one of the most objectionable people I've ever seen in a motion picture.

Getting out of prison, San Quentin, to be specific, Joe (Joey Silvera) is greeted at the gate by Ellen (Abigail Clayton), his loving girlfriend. Picking him in a convertible, Ellen plans on taking the newly free Joe to a cabin by the lake so that they may get reacquainted with one another, if you know what I mean. Unfortunately, just as they're about to drive off, Rocky de Sade hops in the back seat. Like Joe, Rocky just got released after doing three years/six months in the joint. When Joe suggests that he take the bus, Rocky replies, "Fuck the bus." Ahhh, just typing that gives me the willies. It's not the words themselves that cause the willies to happen, it's Ken Turner's voice, it's so unnerving.

So much so, that I almost forget to mention that Ellen is wearing a green and black skirt (the green side has polka-dots on it, while the black side has a floral pattern). She's also wearing black nylons, but I can't tell if they're stockings or pantyhose.

Wasting very little time, Joe and Ellen run into the cabin to get down to business, while Rocky waits in the car.

We have black stockings!!! I repeat, we have black stockings! Brushing his hand up Ellen's leg causes her skirt to swoosh upward. And in doing so, reveals the exact type of nylons Ellen is wearing. Savour this moment, my friends, as Alex de Renzy makes it's hard for us to enjoy their eventual copulation. Why's that, you ask? Um, hello? How can anyone enjoy sexual intercourse knowing Rocky de Sade is sitting outside? I know I can't, and I'm not even there. Despite Rocky's presence, Joe manages to achieve his first heterosexual orgasm in a long time (it's not made clear how long he was incarcerated for).

After taking a piss against a tree (shaking away the residual pee-based residue with a violent shaking motion), Rocky de Sade enters the cabin. When he's finished beating the hell out of Joe, Rocky de Sade ties Ellen to the bed (using her black stockings as restraints) and then proceeds to anally rape her. After unloading the physical manifestation of his orgasm all over Ellen's ass (shaking away the residual cum-based residue with a violent shaking motion), Rocky de Sade leaves the cabin.

Piercing the night air like a spear that's been dipped in hatred, the nearly seven foot tall Rocky de Sade spends the next couple of days stalking the streets of San Francisco's red light district.

Man, I thought Yonge Street and 42nd Street were scum-laden, this place is freakin' beautiful. The colours, the lights, the sights, the sounds, the garishness of it all, it's like heaven on earth.

Walking through this heaven like a couple of rock stars are Johnny (John Leslie), who works at a local adult bookstore/movie theatre, and Royce, a streetwise prostitute.

While the Rocky de Sade storyline is what drives the film, we're treated to three fantasy sequences that involve John Leslie.

The first takes place in a doctor's office, where John Leslie envisions himself as a doctor and Marge (Mimi Morgan), a customer in his adult bookstore, as his patient. Placing Marge on an exam table with stirrups, Dr. John removes her tan pantyhose, with some help from Nurse Royce, and proceeds to poke and prod her vagina with various objects. Ultimately settling on his own erect penis, John uses it to fuck her vagina for a period of time that didn't seem excessive.

The second fantasy sequence occurs after Royce and hooker friends (Annette Haven, Lesllie Bovee, et al) have a pizza party at John's adult bookstore. When one of the hookers mentions a trick who forced her cover herself with grease, John imagines himself and two other guys having sex with Lesllie Bovee in an engine room of some sort. On top of there being a lot of grease, the harsh sound of the machines gave this scene a real off-kilter vibe (industrial grease porn).

The less said about the third fantasy sequence, the better. There was nothing wrong with it from a conceptual point of view (John fantasizes about having sex with a couple of Asian women), it's just that John Leslie's eyes have been... How should I put this? Uh, they were slanted slightly. Oh, who am I kidding? They were slanted a lot.

Meanwhile, Rocky de Sade is busy showing a petite blonde prostitute (Melba Bruce) how to suck his cock. I know what you're thinking, he was showing her how by using a banana. Wrong! He showed her by sucking his own cock. Since Rocky de Sade can't leave a room without causing someone to experience pain and suffering, Rocky forces the prostitute to lick her own pussy. However, since she's not as limber as Rocky is, this causes her much discomfort (he nearly breaks her back).

A friend of Johnny's informs him that he's going to be throwing, "Blood and Mother's Milk: The 1st Annual Leather Ball... for Whores, Pimps, Queens and Queers... for Sadists and Masochists... Slaves and Masters... Music, Drink, Costumes a Must." As he's handing Johnny some complimentary tickets, Rocky de Sade grabs one for himself. Johnny and his friend try to protest, but as others have found out, it's hard to stand up to Rocky de Sade.

The melding of the Johnny plot and the Rocky de Sade plot gets even meldier(?) when the latter picks up Royce for a date. "Come on, honey, let's go get juicy," Royce tells Rocky, unknowing that she's about to enter a world of hurt.

Putting collar on her, Rocky... Oh, I liked how Royce cleans his cock with a moist cloth before sucking it (very classy). Anyway, the now collared Royce gets a cigarette put out on her chest, a bottle shoved up her ass and beaten to a bloody pulp.

Since Johnny knows that Rocky will probably be at the leather ball, he plans, along with Royce and her hooker friends, to get back him; or, as Johnny puts it, "fix his ass good."

Culminating with the leather ball sequence, Femmes de Sade throws every fetish and perversion in the book at us in what has to be the greatest orgy in cinematic history. Let's see if I can remember what I saw: Spanking, cross-dressing, stockings, shaved pussies, dildos, tea bagging, whips, chains, grown men in diapers, annilingus, doggielingus, black dudes dressed like Arab sheiks fucking white chicks, white dudes in lingerie fucking black chicks, body painting, crotchless panties, strap-ons, and masks... lot's of masks.

When a masked Rocky de Sade finally arrives (though, it's obvious it's him, he's seven feet tall), he's lulled into thinking he's amongst friends. Little does he know... Run, Rocky, it's a trap! Just kidding, I can't wait to see him finally get his comeuppance. Now, I've read that the scat scene is fake. In other words, Royce doesn't really take a dump on Rocky's dick. Either way, the moment she steps away from Rocky and it's implied that she took a crap on his crotch was truly electrifying.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Nymphs (Anonymous) (Manuel Conde, 1968)

In my non-award winning review of the hippie-era non-classic, The Brick Dollhouse (shot in eyeball compromising colour), you might recall that I stated that I fully intended to seek out more films by Helena Clayton. Well, as you can clearly see, I wasn't kidding around. That's right, baby, I found one. And get this, the movie I found was sitting right under my nose. Paired with the totally awesome She Mob on the "Girl Gang Double Feature" DVD put out by Something Weird Video, my desire to bask in the otherworldly beauty that is Helena Clayton is the reason I finally got around to watching Nymphs (Anonymous), a softcore quasi-feminist farce/filmed headache. Okay, maybe that's a tad harsh, but it will test the patience of some viewers. This viewer, however, was mainly concerned with seeing Helena Clayton act all campy and junk. I know, going in I had no idea Helena Clayton's performance in this movie was going to be campy. But let's get real, shall we? I mean, I don't think Helena Clayton has a bone in her body that isn't campy. You could say, Helena Clayton oozes camp. But I won't, since I'm trying to cut down on the amount of times I use the word "ooze" in a single day. Let's just say, she exudes camp.

Credited as just "Elena," the wait for Helena Clayton to appear onscreen was excruciating. And since I was unsure how big her part was, I nervously waded through the early going of this tedious piece of sexploitation fluff with bated breath. Again, I think that's a tad harsh. The film, while, yes, it can be quite tedious in places, does have a strange, off-kilter charm about it. And it has lot's of scenes that boast attractive women with natural breasts in garter belts.

(Natural breasts in garter belts?!? This I gotta see!) No, what I mean is... ugh.

Since the suspense is probably killing most of you, I'll come right out and say it: Helena Clayton's performance in Nymphs (Anonymous) was not only campy, it exceeded my expectations, camp-wise. Sure, she only appears in one scene, but it's best scene in the entire movie. And, no, I'm not just saying that because I'm currently obsessed with Miss Clayton. It rules on so many levels. Of course, the main level being: the Helena Clayton factor.

Looking over the film's cast list, it would seem that Helena Clayton wasn't the only one who used a pseudonym for this movie. Take, for example, the film's two lead characters, Laura and Stan Ellis, they're played by "Natasha" and "Gordon." And, of course, wouldn't you know it, Nymphs (Anonymous) are the only films Natasha and Gordon ever appeared in.

Which is sort of odd because Natasha, while she looks at the camera on several occasions, seems to have a modicum of talent (and she kinda looks like Zosia Mamet from certain angles), and Gordon has this proto-Leif Garrett vibe about him that was on the cusp of being endearing.

Nevertheless, it was strange to see the words: "Starring Natasha and Gordon" in the opening credits. Which reminds me, the film's theme song is beyond... Hmm, I can't decide whether the theme song from Nymphs (Anonymous) was beyond catchy or beyond annoying. Let's just say it was a bit of both. And besides, with lyrics like, "Love, love, love that's our motto... Yeah!" how can it not be?

Sitting on a bar in a black lace body-stocking with her legs crossed, the executive secretary of "The Federation," is giving a speech to the faithful. Speaking to a group of women wearing masks, it would appear that the executive secretary (Nancy O'Malley) runs some sort of cock-based delivery service for horny suburban chicks.

Applying for membership is Laura Ellis, a bored housewife who can't seem to get her husband Stan to fuck her (he's too busy with work to care about her aching pussy).

After failing to extract any sex from Stan, Laura paces back and forth in a black see-through nightie. Undaunted, Laura tries to get her accountant to penetrate her. After that fails to yield any sexy results, Laura paces and back and forth in a white see-through nightie. Still undaunted, Laura tries to seduce a vacuum salesmen. The key word there being "tries."

The shot of the executive secretary straddling a stuffed tiger and between the legs camera angle used during the vacuum salesman's pitch are this film's best moments so far.

When her fourth attempt to attain sexual satisfaction ends in failure (she tries to persuade her rotund shrink to have sex with her), she calls the executive secretary one more time for help (the executive secretary has been dodging her calls all morning). And wouldn't you know it, her membership application has been approved, and The Federation immediately sends over two studs to placate her pugnacious pussy.

Unfortunately, Stan comes home from work just as the studs were about to get their dicks wet. An irate Stan can't believe Laura would stoop to allowing male prostitutes (gun-totting male prostitutes, mind you) to sully their modestly furnished home.

Promising to keep an eye on her, Stan finds one of many the houses that The Federation operate in their neighbourhood (a sweet pad with a circular driveway) and watches the comings and goings from the top of a nearby hill.

As he's doing this, Stan notices that women are going to the house to get "serviced." And the first women he sees is a petite blonde with a cute bum. After some mild pool side horseplay, the petite blonde is doubled-teamed by two studs (one with a hairy back).

The next woman to arrive is... Oooh. This is what we've been waiting for. Okay, this is what I've been waiting for. Anyway, it's taken close to thirty minutes, but get ready, Helena Clayton is about to class things up with her elegance and grace. And, not to mention, her killer legs and spectacular breasts.

She might be classy, but her particular kink is anything but. Constantly batting her eyelashes, Joyce (Helena Clayton) enters the home to find two well-dressed men in dark suits.

Sitting down on a chair, Joyce crosses her legs and lights a cigarette. When one of the men hands Joyce a martini, the topic of the conversation turns to her high society husband. Describing their relationship as "perfectly wonderful," Joyce goes on and on about how great things are.

Offered to dance by one of the men, Joyce agrees. Suddenly, the classical music stops, and the men crowd around Joyce in a menacing manner. Calling her everything from a slut to a cheap alley cat, one of the men says, "Are you going to take it off or are we going to have to tear it off?"

The look Joyce throws the two men when one them calls her a cheap alley cat is glorious.

While her dress is removed in a calm and rational manner, her lingerie is torn asunder by the two men. With her garter belt and bra reduced to tatters, the two men begin to beat Joyce with their belts.

Writhing on the floor in what appears to be agony, Joyce is actually enjoying the beating she's currently receiving. Her stockings now languishing below her knees with no garter-based support whatsoever, Joyce is eventually helped to her feet, and is asked once again if she would like to dance. As one of the men pulls Joyce against his body, she whispers something in his ear. To the surprise of no one, she thanks him for treating her in a way her husband would not.

As Joyce leaves fully satisfied, guess who shows up next? That's right, it's Laura. When Stan sees Laura cavorting with two Federation studs pool side, he does what any spurned husband would do: He aims a high-powered rifle at the men and kills them both.

Sneaking down after dark, Stan confronts Laura in the house. "Rape me before you kill me, all sex murderers do that," she tells him. To which Stan responds, "I'm no sex murderer, I'm your husband." This is hands down the best exchange in the entire movie.

After losing his rifle, Stan finds himself trapped in the Federation house and forced to act as a Federation stud. Meaning, he has to "service" a virtual cavalcade of attractive women.

He entertains a university professor with amazing tits (tan stockings and white garter belt), rips three dresses off a woman (it was her request), has sex with the wife (black stockings and black garter belt) of a germaphobe/TV addict, and gets roughed up by a couple of dykes (tan stockings and black garter belt).

As for the bodies of the two dead studs, they're moved from the freezer to the trunk of several cars about six or seven times over the course of the film. I like unorthodox body disposal as much as the next guy, but this is ridiculous. Which is the perfect way to sum up this movie. It's ridiculous, yet like I said before, it has a strange, off-kilter charm about it.