The Great Texas Dynamite Chase (Michael Pressman, 1976)

Not quite sure who wears the cut-off jean shorts in this here movie, I started to panic. Why, oh, why, I thought myself, why did I announce my plans to review "The Jean Short Trilogy" without making sure the third film features Claudia Jennings in cut-off jean shorts? I know, you're thinking to yourself: Why does Claudia Jennings have to wear cut-off jean shorts? After all, it's called "The Jean Short Trilogy," not "The Claudia Jennings in Jean Shorts... Trilogy." That's true, it's not. But I would really like there to be a consistent theme. And that theme involves Claudia Jennings in cut-off jean shorts. The reason I wasn't sure Claudia Jennings was the one who wears cut-off jean shorts in The Great Texas Dynamite Chase is because her co-star looks exactly like Claudia Jennings. Yep, you heard right, Jocelyn Jones is a dead ringer for Claudia Jennings. And since they both appear in almost every scene together, this caused much unnecessary confusion on my part. Oh, sure, I could tell them apart up close. But when things got a tad distant, I had no idea who was who. The only instance where looking alike seemed to pay off is when they pretend to be sisters. But other than that... Okay, they look similar, let's move on, shall we?

Unpredictable, volatile and highly persuasive. You could use these words to describe the explosives and the women who wield them in The Great Texas Dynamite Chase (a.k.a. Dynamite Women), a Roger Corman-produced action flick with heist and road movie elements that occasionally feels like a sex comedy with feminist undertones.

Actually, everything you need to know about the film can be found in its straightforward title. Let's break it down:  The definite article gives the title a sense of purpose right out of the gate; "Great" lets the audience know going in that something special is about to transpire ("The Texas Dynamite Chase" just doesn't have the same ring to it).

"Texas" is the same as "Great," in that, who would want to watch "The Great Delaware Dynamite Chase"? I know I wouldn't, and I love Delaware (in addition, Texas is the perfect setting for crime flicks that involve fugitives from the law as Mexico is conveniently located just to the south); "Dynamite" makes sense as it's the favourite weapon of our sexy bank robbers and it also implies action; and "Chase," well, since the beginning of time, the pursuit (the "hot" variety in particular) has always been integral part of the human psyche.

Getting back to cut-off jean shorts, accentuating the acute firmness of her centerfold-quality legs, the sight of Claudia Jennings in cut-off jean shorts is so titillating, so provocative, that it should be against the law.

Forget about robbing banks with sticks of dynamite, someone arrest this woman for violating The Trouser Integrity Act of 1973, which clearly stipulates that the freakish deformities located near the crotch area of your average human male shall not be aroused from their crumpled slumbers by outside stimuli, particularly in the form of attire that emphasize the thighs and calves of the members of the opposite sex.

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I need to make a point that doesn't involve Claudia Jennings in cut-off jean shorts. No, no, no, hear me out. It's just that I noticed that the three characters Claudia Jennings plays in 'Gator Bait, Unholy Rollers and The Great Texas Dynamite Chase have more in common than just an affinity for cut-off jean shorts. I'm officially declaring Claudia Jennings a feminist icon. Think about it, the characters she plays in these three movies are headstrong, forthright and are the kind of women who rarely ever take guff from anyone.

While Desiree Thibodeau from 'Gator Bait is definitely headstrong and Karen Walker from Unholy Rollers is pretty fucking forthright, I would say Candy Morgan in The Great Texas Dynamite Chase is all three.

Breaking out prison as the film gets underway, the opening of the film plays out like the end of a women in prison film, as Candy can be seen running down a hill in a grey prison shirt paired with white knee-socks. Meeting her sister, Pam (a pre-Van Nuys Blvd., pre-Malibu Beach Tara Strohmeier), on the dirt road, Candy changes her clothes and heads straight to the nearest bank armed with a fist full of dynamite.

Meanwhile, Ellie-Joe Turner (Jocelyn Jones) is just waking up. Grabbing her pantyhose off her dresser, Ellie-Joe combs her hair and heads off to work... at the Bank of Alpine.

After arriving late, Ellie-Joe's boss decides to fire her. But just as he's doing so, guess who stomps in wielding two sticks of dynamite? That's right, it's Candy. Realizing she has nothing left to lose, Ellie-Joe helps Candy bag her cash more efficiently.

With no job and no prospects, Ellie-Joe hitches a ride out of town (don't worry, she leaves her cat with some dude). When the first guy she bums a ride from turns out to be a massive pervert, she tries her luck again. Anyone care to guess who picks her up next? Yep, it's Candy. Who has just returned from giving her family the money she acquired from the Alpine heist.

I'm surprised the first thing they didn't talk about was how much they lookalike. Sure, Candy's a redhead and Ellie-Joe's blonde, but other than that... At any rate, the conversation soon turns to robbing banks with dynamite.

Teaming up to rob banks, Candy and Ellie-Joe's first attempt to rob a bank together fails miserably (wonky dynamite). I'll give them this, though, they sure looked classy in those red (Ellie-Joe) and yellow (Candy) dresses.

When they're done reaffirming their commitment to one another, Candy and Ellie-Joe set out to procure some dynamite that actually works.

This leads them to Jake (Christopher Pennock), a.k.a. Dynamite Boy. When Dynamite Bo... I mean, when Jake asks Candy if she has a permit to buy dynamite, she should have just gestured toward her shapely stems, which were jutting out from a skimpy pair of cut-off jean shorts. Actually, she sort of does just that. Except, instead of gesturing, Candy crouches. And, as most people know, it's impossible to say no to Claudia Jennings when she's crouching in cut-off jean shorts.

Equipped with a box of brand spanking new dynamite, nothing can stop Candy and Ellie-Joe from robbing every bank from Alpine, Texas to the Mexican border.

After Candy and Ellie-Joe rob their third bank, you have to wonder though: How much money do these chicks need? I mean, do belly-chains and cut-off jean shorts really cost that much?

Nonetheless, if you like films that are shot predominantly outside and one's that feature two skinny white women who sort of lookalike robbing banks with dynamite, do yourself a favour and check out The Great Texas Dynamite Chase. But really, what are you going to do instead, read a book?

Unholy Rollers (Vernon Zimmerman, 1972)

Claudia Jennings! Claudia... motherfuckin' Jennings! Your stay on this earth may have been cut tragically short (1949-1979), but your body of work will live on forever. The second film in my self-realized "Jean Short Trilogy," Unholy Rollers finds Claudia Jennings quitting her soul-crushing factory job to join "The Avengers." No, not those Avengers, silly (though, I think Mrs. Jennings would have been great as Dazzler). Anyway, I don't know 'bout you, but I think Claudia's spunky, take no shit attitude was perfectly suited for the early 1970s. Now, I'm not exactly sure what was going on in 1972, but the misplaced anger, civil unrest and the general sense of malaise that was sweeping the U.S.A. during this particular period is represented rather accurately by a "sport" called roller derby. Sort of like wrestling on wheels, it makes sense that roller derby (which is still played today) would thrive during the early 1970s. With bloody battles in Vietnam still raging, the American people needed a mindless escape to distract them from the horrors of war, and what better way to do so than to watch lesbians beat the crap out of one another on roller-skates?

I know, I know, when does Claudia Jennings wear jean shorts. Keep your panties on, I'll get to that in a minute. I just want to examine the climate of the era. And, looking over what I just typed, I think I examined the era's climate to the best of my ability.

Unlike 'Gator Bait, Claudia Jennings' delicious lower-half doesn't spend the entire film encased in cut-off jean shorts. Now, before you start screaming rip off, I should inform you that Claudia Jennings' wardrobe in this movie is off the hook in terms of variety.

On top of her trademark orange and black L.A. Avengers roller derby uniform (black shorts with orange tights), Claudia can be seen in a wide array of outfits. And, yes, one of these outfits includes jean shorts.

Flowery hippie dresses, watermelon adorned shirts, mini-dresses, tank-tops, mini-skirts, and sweaters that employ colour blocking, Claudia Jennings' character's sense of fashion is just as fearless as her temperament.

Unafraid to utilize physical violence to get her point across, Claudia Jenning's Karen Walker has a short temper. And as we're shown on several occasions throughout this film, it doesn't much to set her off.

You know when you're in the grocery store trying to buying your favourite wheat-based cereal and the person minding the check out counter decides to go on their break just as you're about to make your purchase? Well, instead of calmly moving over to an open check out counter like most people, Karen Walker threatens to punch the break taking cashier with her fists.

The fact that Karen Walker is wearing a pink floral hippie dress with white go-go boots when she makes this threat only manages to amplify her awesomeness. Why can't I be more like Karen Walker, I thought to myself, as she stood up for her right to be served.

If you think Karen Walker is tough when she's in the express line at the supermarket, you should see her on the roller derby track.

As I was trying to remember the rules of the game, it dawned me that I used to watch a roller derby TV show called "RollerGames." Even though my memory of the show is mostly Kool Moe Dee-related, he famously performed "I Go To Work" (a.k.a. the second greatest hip hop song of all-time, the greatest being, of course, N.W.A.'s "Straight Outta Compton") during a lull in the roller derby action, I do recall seeing men and women on roller skates pummeling one another.

After quitting her job at the cat food factory she works (she was in charge of "chicken velocity," whatever that means), Karen Walker tries out for L.A. Avengers, a local roller derby team.

Oh, it should be noted that when Karen quits her job, she throws a bunch of cans of cat food at her boss, and later on, while grocery shopping with her stripper pal/roommate, Donna (Candice Roman), she knocks over a large of stack of canned goods... totally on purpose. I'm not noting this in order to point that Karen has a thing against cans, I'm pointing it out because I think she has serious anger issues. Which makes her the perfect candidate for roller derby.

No one will disagree that anger is important, but the main reason Karen makes the squad is because she, according to Mr. Stern (Louis Quinn), the owner of the the Avengers, knows how to play to the crowd. In other words, she's got showmanship. And she looks great in cut-off jean shorts.

While the scenes at the cat food factory and the supermarket do an excellent job of showcasing Karen's problem when it comes to containing her rage, the scene at the strip club Donna works seems to serve no purpose whatsoever. Other than allowing us to see Claudia Jennings in a super-sexy tiger print dress, I can't think of single reason why this scene exists. (Um, then why are you typing words about it?)  Um, hello? Claudia Jennings wears a short tiger print dress... with the white go-go boots. (Ah.)

If you're not like me, and you didn't watch RollerGames back in the day, and have no idea how the game is played, we're given a quick roller derby refresher course in the next scene.

After the lesson is over, Karen goes to see the roller derby doctor to... get felt up basically. The best thing about Karen's doctor visit (besides her being felt up) is that her bra and panties don't match.

What's great about Claudia Jennings in 'Gator Bait and Unholy Rollers is that she doesn't seem to shirk from doing her own stunts. While it's clear that Claudia was the one driving the boat in 'Gator Bait, it's even clearer that Claudia is doing her own skating in the Unholy Rollers. And this gave an unexpected layer of authenticity to the proceedings.

Picking the number three, Karen Walker quickly becomes a fan favourite amongst the L.A. Avenger faithful. This, of course, causes some of her teammates to become jealous, particularly their star jammer, Micky (Betty Anne Rees). Some teammates, however, like, Nick (Jay Varela), see Karen for what she really is: a foxy, forthright, force of nature.

Wow, it says here that Martin Scorsese was the film's "supervising editor." No wonder the skating scenes are so well put together.

I can't decide what I liked better, the sight of Claudia Jennings watching an ad her character does for the "Amazing Rocket Chair" in black pantyhose or the sight of her watching an ad she did for a pen company in orange socks, yellow shorts, a top covered in sail boats and wearing pink rollers in her hair. Hmm, as much as I love black pantyhose, I'm going to have to go with the pink rollers scene, as she gives herself the middle finger at the end of the pen TV spot.

On the surface, it's your typical rise and fall story (Karen Walker let's fame go to her head). But the film is trashy in all the right places, boasts a terrific lead actress (unlike the charisma-challenged dullards who appear in Andy Sidaris' movies, Claudia Jennings gives ex-Playboy models turned actresses a good name), and is filled with lots of exciting roller derby action.

Gator Bait (Beverly Sebastian, 1974)

If you're easily offended by the sight of sickly perverts who get their kicks by openly pontificating about the sight of Claudia Jennings in cut-off jean shorts, you better clear on out of here, because things are about to get ridiculously out of hand. When I first saw the leggy crouching clinic Claudia Jennings was conducting on the film's unofficial poster (for some fucked up reason, Claudia's gorgeous mug is nowhere to be found on the film's theatrical poster), I let out a mild sigh. Why a sigh and not a woo-hoo, you ask? Realizing that if I watch and review 'Gator Bait, the bulk of my focus will be on her legs and the cut-off jean shorts they pour out of. In other words, I'm doing exactly what my detractors expect me to do. Now, you're probably thinking to yourself: Detractors?!? You don't have any stinkin' detractors. You're right, I don't have any detractors. In fact, I'm one of the most likable human beings I know. No, the detractors I have are not real in a walking around and doing stuff kinda way. My detractors live inside my own head, and they go by the name "self-doubt."

As I finished watching 'Gator Bait, and it became clear to me that this film, directed by  Beverly Sebastian and Ferd Sebastian (the former wrote the screenplay and the latter does the music and is the film's cinematographer as well), is the ultimate Claudia Jennings in cut-off jean shorts experience, I knew exactly what I had to do.

However, when I sat down to begin the long-winded cut-off jean short-related screed this film so rightly deserved, a wave of self-doubt washed over me like a tsunami. Maybe I should write about the swamp a bit before mentioning Claudia Jennings and her cut-off jean shorts, I thought myself. After all, the swamp plays a critical part in the gestation of this film's story. Sure, you could transfer the film's action to the heart of a big city, you could even move things out into the desert, but it wouldn't be 'Gator Bait, now would it? No, take away the swamp, and you pretty much have no movie.

Well, you can apply the same logic to Claudia Jennings and her cut-off jean shorts. What I mean is, take away Claudia Jennings and her cut-off jean shorts, and you can pretty much kiss this review goodbye.

In a disturbing twist, the first time we see Claudia Jennings onscreen she isn't wearing cut-off jean shorts, she's wearing a burlap sack with sleeves (think: cavegirl chic). Don't get me wrong, Claudia Jennings looks sexy no matter what she wears. It's just that this isn't what I signed up for.

Call me demented and sad, but the plan was to watch and review a trio of films from the 1970s that feature the inordinately leggy crumpet in denim shorts. And I even had a name picked out: The Jean Short Trilogy. But the sight of Claudia Jennings hunting snakes in a glorified burlap sack had me sweating bullets.

In an ironic twist, Claudia Jennings stuffs the snakes she catches into a–yep, you guessed it–burlap sack.

Keeping with the ironic twist theme, it just dawned me that 90% of the shows currently on television are about  people who live in the swamp. Except, these swamp dwellers are nothing like David Strathairn in Passion Fish. Uh-uh, these shows are mostly about morons (a.k.a. white supremacists without razors) who kill animals for fun.

Don't mind me, I'm just basking in the pompous afterglow of what I consider to be a pretty first-rate David Strathairn/Passion Fish reference.

Scooping snakes from the river like it was second nature, we're introduced to Desiree Thibodeau (Claudia Jennings) as she's collecting food for her brother and sister. Watching her are Deputy Billy Boy (Clyde Ventura) and Ben Bracken (Ben Sebastian), two yokels with shit for brains. I know, Billy Boy clearly says at one point, "We ain't stupid." But trust me, they're stupid.

After chasing Desiree through the swamp (using motorboats), Billy Boy and Ben corner her in a watery dead-end. As they're about to nab her (something about illegal pouching), she tosses her bag of snakes at them, causing Ben to jump in the drink and Billy Boy to pull out his revolver. Wildly shooting at the snakes, Billy Boy accidentally shoots Ben in the head as he was trying to climb back in the boat.

Instead of telling his father, Sheriff Joe Bob (Bill Thurman), the truth, he makes up this story that involves Desiree shooting Ben to death, not him.

While it was a cowardly thing for Billy Boy to do, I can see why he wouldn't want it to get out that he killed Ben, as his family are not the kind of people you want to piss off.

What the... Why can't I find the name of the actress who plays Laura Lee Bracken? Ahh! At any rate, we meet Laura Lee (and the rest of the Bracken family) as she hanging laundry in a clingy nightie (cling to those swamp-reared curves you slinky piece of store-bought lingerie, you).

Pete Bracken: "You sure look fine sliding around in that thing."

Laura Lee Bracken: "Feels good too."

Ooh-wee! I loved the way Pete says, "sliding around." His tone is so sleazy. I know, Pete and Laura Lee are brother and sister. But still, as far as incestuous relationships go, I dig their sick scene, man.

You know who doesn't dig it? Their father, T.J. Bracken (Sam Gilman), that's who. He shows his displeasure the only way he knows how, by whipping Pete real good. If you're expecting his brother Leroy (Douglas Dirkson), who's whittling nearby, to lend a helping hand, don't count on it, he literally doesn't have the balls.

Interrupting up this family squabble are Joe Bob and Billy Boy, who break the bad news to the Bracken's about Ben. Since Billy Boy didn't bother to bring Ben's body back, they all go looking for him in the swamp. When the finally do recover his body, their attention turns to Desiree, who is about to have three angry rednecks and two corrupt cops all over her ass; which, finally, has been sheathed in a skimpy pair of cut-off jean shorts.

It's true, twenty-two minutes might not seem like a long time to wait to see Claudia Jennings in cut-off jean shorts. But if you're brain is anything like mine, it will seem like an eternity.

Not around to protect her jail bait sister Julie (Janit Baldwin) and her mute brother Big T (Tracy Sebastian) from the Bracken Boys, Sheriff Sycophant and Deputy Dumbass, Desiree has left her family exposed. To be fair, she had no idea she was the one being blamed for Ben's death (she didn't even know he was dead), but leaving her siblings all alone was a fatal mistake.

Hunted like an animal, Desiree must use her swamp wits to survive, as she is being pursued by five of the most objectionable characters I've come across in a long time.

When using her acumen, shapely gams and tight midriff all fail to placate these assholes, Desiree employs the scumbag stopping power that only a fully-loaded shotgun can provide.

My only complaint about that manner in which Desiree takes care of these scumbags is that some of them get off too easy. Though, it's implied that one of them is left to be eaten by gators. Which, if I'm not mistaken, is an unpleasant way to go.

The first film in my self-proclaimed "Jean Short Trilogy," 'Gator Bait is an excellent showcase for Claudia Jennings to display not only her toothsome stems jutting out from a pair of cut-off jean shorts, but it also allows her to show off her various other talents. For example, whether climbing trees barefoot, driving motorboats at a high rate of speed, grabbing snakes out of the water with her bare-hands or talking with a Cajun accent, the fiery redhead manages to accomplish all of them with flying colours.