Reform School Girls (Tom DeSimone, 1986)

The sound of un-groomed carpet being vigorously munched may not have been audible, but you can bet your bottom dollar that many rugs were being cleaned in Reform School Girls (a.k.a. Naked Birds), a headstrong, bloomers optional women-in-prison flick with an insatiable appetite for new poon on Monday. The unsavoury splendour that greets us as we peak behind the doors of Dorm 14 at Pride More Juvenile Detention Centre was so pronounced, so aggravated, that even the most ardent of cock swallowers will end up turning to the dykeier side of the mattress. A robust cornucopia of supple, young flesh–a virtual who's who of shapely legs and taut midriffs, and a gang bang worthy mishmash of teased hair, spiky jewelry, and clingy night shirts–the film, directed by Tom DeSimone (Angel III: The Final Chapter and Hell Night) is a smouldering cauldron of womanly fury. The not-so intricate plot can basically be found amidst the contents of the film's three worded title: Troubled blonde (Linda Carol) gets sent to notorious reform school, much unpleasantness involving the other girls transpires upon her arrival.

However, it's the demented dialogue and its many outlandish performances, not the narrative, that elevate the tawdry proceedings from a ho-hum exploitation picture to a genuine slab of depraved satire; one that just happens to be rife with girl-on-girl face punching, cruelty towards stuffed bunnies, shower scenes (keep an eye out for Michelle Bauer from Café Flesh as "shower girl"), fanny branding, and farm work without pants.

The timbre of the cast can be pretty much broken down this way: Wendy O. Williams and Pat Ast rule the school, while everyone else struggles to keep up. Hell, even Sybil Danning couldn't compete with Wendy and Pat, who's best moment was when she gets hit in the head by an errant dinner roll.

The rambunctious Miss Williams, best known as the singer for punk band The Plasmatics, literally devours the screen as Charlie Chambliss, the toughest chick to ever commondere a school bus and crash it into water tower while wearing a leather thong. In fact, she's so bad ass, the cafeteria grub she eats doesn't even want to get chewed by the likes of her (food particles kept trying to escape her oral cavity the same way a sea cucumber expels its intestines when threatened).
  

Sporting nary a stitch of clothing (bikini bottoms, fingerless gloves and a stained bra), Wendy thrusts her meaty crotch in the general direction of anyone who dares look at her funny. Seriously, her performance was extremely vigorous. I mean, she was constantly grabbing and clawing at her shipshape organic structure like it was covered with invisible monkeys who just happen to be on fire.

If Wendy O. was over the top, then Pat Ast must have been looking down on the punk princess and laughing manically. Playing the sadistic Edna as if her life depended on it, the rotund actress stomps across the screen like a detestable beast. Spewing spiteful put-downs and barking orders with an tyrannical glee, Pat gives one of the most frighteningly amusing performances I have ever seen. Her insistent screaming of the of the phrase "Complete Control" caused my eyes to bulge with giddy disbelief.

On the sexy side of things (not that Wendy and Pat weren't able to induce a tingle here and there), Darcy DeMoss and Tiffany Helm prevailed when it came to providing the film's first-rate feminine eye candy. The two punky babes play key members of Charlie's clit-licking clique and can be seen sexily lurking in the background of almost every scene that features the incomparable Wendy.

In terms of conventional acting, I'd have to say I was most impressed with the work of Charlotte McGinnis as Pride More's guidance counselor. Reminding me physically of Sean Young, yet boasting the temperament of Desperate Living-era Mink Stole, Charlotte gave her character just the right amount of righteous indignation to make us believe she actually cared about the girls' well being.

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