Motel Sweets (Eric Edwards, 1987)

Did creepy men in raincoats still go to see "adult movies" in theatres back in 1987? If so, I wonder if any of them were as horrified as I was when they saw what porn had done to Taija Rae. Sure, she could have done it to herself. But I have a feeling someone within porn industry forced Taija to loose all that weight. If you don't know, the main reason Taija Rae is so fondly remembered as one of the greatest porn stars of the 1980s has nothing to do with her acting or charisma. No, the reason porn fans the world over loved Taija so much was because her body had oomph. What's "oomph," you ask? Well, to put it another way, Taija's body had a shapeliness to it that caused her to stand out in the porn crowd. Nowadays, porn stars come in all shapes and sizes. But back in the 1980s, all porn stars looked pretty much the same. Of course, stars like, Keisha and Lois Ayres stood out as well. But Taija Rae had that all-natural look long before anybody else. Which is why it was such a shame to see it eroded in Eric Edwards' Motel Sweets, a tepid porn sitcom set in a motel. Now, I wanted to say, "set in a weird motel," but the motel in this movie isn't as weird as Eric Edwards thinks it is. At any rate, getting back to Taija Rae's drastic weight loss. I don't know what she did to lose so much weight (drugs, perhaps?), but seeing her as an emaciated stick figure was disheartening. Her thick, delicious thighs reduced to formless pipe cleaners. Her rotund rump robbed of its ripple-inducing splendour. Her child-bearing hips plundered of their innate sway-appeal. Her juicy... Well, you get the idea.

Since I don't want this entire exercise to be about Taija Rae's tragic transformation from a shapely porn goddess to a gaunt, cocaine-soaked bag of skin, I'll try to complain about something else. Hmm, there's so much to choose from. (How about the fact that you have to wait thirty whole minutes before a pulsating pussy is properly penetrated by a pockmarked penis?) Nah, that's the kind of thing the raincoat crowd would complain about. I actually liked the fact that Eric Edwards made an attempt to tell a story. Only problem being, it's no Squalor Motel. And that right there is my biggest non-Taija-drastic-weight-loss-related problem with this movie. It thinks it's Squalor Motel. But trust me, it ain't.

As I stated earlier, Motel Sweets isn't as weird as it thinks it is. It also doesn't help that Eric Edwards' late night motel manager keeps saying that Friday nights bring out the weirdos. Every time he would refer these so-called "weirdos," I would say: What weirdos?

Yes, the extremely fussy Mrs. Tirebiter is a tad on the eccentric side, but Tantala Ray is basically channeling Audra Lindley's Mrs. Roper from Three's Company. In other words, she's not exactly weird. That being said, Tantala Ray proves yet again that she is one the finest actresses in the business. No matter what the role. Whether it be Moms, the owner of the cafe in Café Flesh, the warden in Desperate Women or the staunch lesbian in The Devil in Miss Jones 4, Tantala manages to elevate the material. However, unlike the movies I just mentioned, Motel Sweets needs all the help it can get.

While Tantala is working her milfy butt off to provide the comedy relief (to be fair, Eric Edwards says a few things that are on the cusp of being funny as well), who brings the sexy? After all, this is supposed to be a porno. And the last time I checked, porn is supposed to be sexy. At least it was back in the 1980s.

Well, since there's nothing sexy about Taija Rae in this movie, who's going to step in to fill the void? Why, it's none other than Shanna McCullough.

When I saw Shanna McCullough's delightfully round ass and workmanlike thighs appear onscreen for the very first time, I let out a sigh of relief. Bringing big booty majesty to the pre-Sir-Mix-a-Lot age, Shanna McCullough's never not pound-worthy organic structure is something I can always count on. And while Eric Edwards doesn't fully exploit Shanna McCullough's hefty thighs and larger than life buttocks to the degree I had hoped, I took solace in the fact that her curves were representin' something fierce.

However, until Shanna shows up, we have to endure Eric Edwards' wannabe film noir narration. Playing Sam Cooper, the night manager of a modest motel on the outskirts of town, Eric bemoans the fact that it's Friday night, his least favourite day of the week.

When Sam arrives to start the night-shift, he finds Taija Rae's Daisy the prostitute's skinny ass not making a dent in his office couch. I will say this, even though Taija no longer has the curves to properly fill her super-tight neon yellow tiger print hooker dress, the thrift store garment itself is quite fetching.

After we learn that Daisy prefers to be called "Sunshine" (she thinks it's more skank-appropriate), Martha (Tantala Ray) and George Tirebiter (Wayne Stevens) walk in the door. While Martha is paying the 27.50 for room 13, George is getting a cup of coffee. Well, at least he's trying to. You see, the coffee is as thick as molasses. And in order to stop the flow, you need a pair of scissors. Even though the cutting the coffee gag is only employed twice, it feels like it's employed at least five times. What I think I'm trying to say is: Would somebody fuck someone already.

Just kidding, I'm a big fan of character development. Besides, I loved it when Martha Tirebiter calls the front desk to complain that the toilet in her room doesn't have a sanitation strip on it, and Juanita (Ona Z), the night maid, misinterprets Sam's instructions to put a sanitation strip room 13's toilet (there's a bit of a language barrier between them). Instead putting a strip on their toilet, she performs a striptease, complete with black fully-fashioned stockings and wacky sound effects, for a befuddled Martha and George. I know this is an odd thing to say, but pay close attention to Tantala's face as Ona Z strips, her exaggerated facial expressions are pure gold.

Unlike the coffee cutting gag, the language barrier bit between Sam and Juanita is actually employed several times over the course of the film. (Several?!?) Okay, maybe three or four times. But still, it's more than two. Anyway, Juanita ends up in a three-way with a couple of truckers (Billy Dee and Jon Martin) and screwing Robert Bullock's Al the bug guy, who can be usually found hanging out in The Rusty Pipe Lounge, which, I have to say, is nowhere as cool as The Reptile Room, the motel-adjacent club from Squalor Motel.

After Sam gives newlyweds, Tom (Mike Horner) and Trisha (Shanna McCullough), a room on the house, Daisy/Sunshine finally hooks up with her trick for the evening. Now, I have to say, this guy (Nick Random) could be viewed as weird. I know, he seems harmless, but that puppet sex routine involving Mr. Weasel she makes Daisy/Sunshine partake in was not even close to being normal. In fact, you could call it abnormal. Either way, after some puppet-based foreplay, Nick Random sticks his dick Taija's primary fuck-hole... and the crowd goes wild.

(How come you didn't mention the fact that we get to see the tops of Taija's stockings during the puppet scene?) If Taija's thighs were the size they were a year ago, than, yes, I would have mentioned the tops of her stockings. But her thighs aren't the size they were a year ago, are they? No, they aren't. So, screw Taija's scrawny thighs.

As for Shanna McCullough... damn, girl! Sure, she doesn't wear stockings, but Shanna McCullough's rooftop sex scene with Mike Horner pretty much saved this movie from being an exercise in tedium.

Actually, Nikki Knights' "Devilina," who wears red suspender hose, does her best to fight tedium as well, with her devilish performance as "The Devil." While I liked Taija's hooker dress, I couldn't help but laugh when Devilina calls it "god awful" and tells her to "burn it."

You could say the same things about Motel Sweets. But it's not really all that bad. And, yes, the raincoat crowd must have found the thirty minute wait for penetration to be excruciating, I could care less. No, the film's biggest problems are simply this: Taija Rae is not hot as a skinny slut (Marlene Willoughby, on the other hand, is a hot skinny slut) and the film is basically a poor man's Squalor Motel.

Squalor Motel (Kim Christy, 1985)

Despite the fact that there's a good chance that a disgusting man (one in a pig mask wearing ill-fitting lingerie) will be watching your every move, I still wouldn't mind spending the night or two at the bizarre motel that is at the centre of Kim Christy's ultra-freaky, ultra-kinky Squalor Motel (Come for the cheap rates, stay for the guilt-free cunnilingus). However, since lumpy crossdresser pig mask voyeurism isn't listed in the brochure, most of the folks who stay at the "Squalor Motel" will remain enveloped in a haze of perpetual darkness when it comes to the plethora of weirdos and perverts who haunt the motel's hallways on a semi-regular basis. In other words: Please continue to dine on your girlfriend's consecrated lady speckle at the rate of speed you're currently dining. Sincerely, the staff and management of Squalor Motel. Even though no such document exists, that didn't stop me from noticing that something was missing from the Squalor Motel brochure. Sure, it mentions having clean sheets and a colour television in every room (I sure do miss the days when motel's listed colour TV as a selling point), but there's no mention of The Reptile Room.

In my mind, The Reptile Room is the sole reason to stay at the Squalor Motel. Seriously, it makes no sense to not mention it in your brochure. In fact, if I was in charge, the brochure would be all about The Reptile Room, as that place is hip and happening.

Don't believe me? Let's see, I got, uh, um, I got... eleven words for you: Punks and trans-women cavorting in the vicinity of a glory hole.

Just a sec, I gotta double check something. Yeah, that's totally eleven words (yay! I can count). I know, I could have given you ten words if I had chosen to spell "glory hole" as one word. But, hey, I didn't, so get over it.

Personally, I don't think the words "glory" and "hole" should really touch one another; that's just the way I was raised.

Enough about semantics. I was just thinking to myself: Oh, if only I could share with you the awesome music of Vida Slann. Vida who, you say? Vida Slann, the person responsible for the synth-tastic music heard throughout Squalor Motel. Where have you been, man? At any rate, wondering how I was going to describe the music from this movie, I decided to search the youtube using the words "Vida" and "Slann" (previous searches centred around the words "Squalor" and "Motel" came up empty). Well wouldn't you know it, someone posted an audio portion of the music that opens the film.

I'm telling you, the music in this movie is a synth lovers dream, especially if you like your synths dark and sinister.

It should go without saying, but the instant I heard the music, I knew I had made the right choice, porno-wise, that is.

The music from the youtube clip I provided, like I already said, plays over the opening scene, which features a brief dream sequence that has Miss Clark (Colleen Brennen), the cat-eye glasses-wearing front desk clerk at the Squalor Motel, seeing a strange couple to their rooms (down a slanted hallway). When all of a sudden, she sees herself being wheeled away on a gurney... only, she isn't dead or injured, no, she's laughing hysterically.

Awoken by Manny (Nick Random), the motel's sleazy manager, Miss Clark seems dazed. But quickly snaps out of it, and begins to verbally joust with Manny. Of course, it being Squalor Motel (a twenty dollar a night freak show on the outskirts of a fever dream), their verbal jousting involves lewd and lascivious wordplay.

After one of them asks: Who's in the Reptile Room? The pair take turns watching a slender brunette with slicked back hair have stand up coitus with a man wearing a bald cap near a cherub statue through a hole in the wall. Other than Vida Slann's music and the fact that the male participant is wearing a bald cap, nothing really stands out about this scene; naked people having sex... how pedestrian.

The next person to enter the motel is Nancy (Desiree Lane), a wide-eyed, long-nippled woman who looks like she just got married. Putting down her book (Bound Pig Fuckers), Miss Clark envisions herself having a lesbian scenario with the wide-eyed, long-nippled woman standing before her; a scenario that involves licking, groping, fingerless and fingered gloves and lingerie. When this scene runs its course, we're back where we started... the front desk.

I think I speak for everyone when I say it's time for Nancy to enter The Reptile Room. And who do you think the first person Nancy runs into? That's right, it's none other than Jamie Gillis. Credited as the "Doorman," Jamie offers to sell Nancy the various items he has tucked away under his trench coat (sex toys, Preparation H, etc). Realizing that she isn't interested in buying anything he's selling, Jamie invites Nancy to put his penis in her mouth; free of charge... what a great deal.

When satisfaction is achieved, a cum-stained Nancy literally falls into The Reptile Room. What she sees will alter the course of her spiritual trajectory forever. Okay, maybe that's a bit of an overstatement. But nevertheless, Nancy is deeply affected by what she sees.

While the producers of Café Flesh (a film that clearly influenced the makers of Squalor Motel) had an entire blood bank and methadone clinic to get extras from, Kim Christy and her crew could only scrounge up a handful of punks and freaks for The Reptile Room sequence.

This lack of extras, however, does not mean the scene is not memorable. Don't believe me? Well, let me just say this: The gorgeous Angelique Ricard plays the lead guitarist in The Reptile Room's transgender house band? Flanked on either side by Magnificent Margo and Summer St. Cerly, Angelique Ricard sways back and forth to the music. And by doing so, we would get a brief glimpse of her cock every five or six sways. (Every five or six sways? I'm no math whiz, but that would mean we get close to eighteen glimpses of her mouthwatering girl-cock.) Yep, it's pretty fucking cool–you know, if girl-cock glimpses are your thing.

As the transgender house band are swaying and the punks are glaring, a new wave-ish brunette can be see giving head to a man in hiked down leather pants (studies have shown that hiked down leather pants are more conducive to oral sex than pulled up leather pants).

Even though I'm indifferent to non-transgender blow job scenes, the fact that the new wave-ish brunette's metallic triangle-shaped earring would crash into the leather pants guy's abdomen every time she would inhale his non-peppermint-scented flesh-stick was very appealing to me. It's too bad they couldn't have found away to show that her earring was cutting into his abdomen. Call me  perpendicular, but I really would have liked to have seen the affected area to slowly bleed as the blow job progressed. Oh well.

Meanwhile, in one of the motel's rooms, a blonde sailor is getting a blow job from a black chick with silver hair and a yokel is surprised to find that one of his sex dolls has come to life.

While taking a break from performing, the transsexuals watch as the Nazi-esque Dr. Thumbs (Herschel Savage) and his gum-smacking assistant, Nurse Terri Kloth (Lisa De Leeuw), try to jump-start the libido that belongs to Mrs. Shipowitz (Tantala Ray), who is wearing black stockings. This scene is my favourite, for obvious reasons (Lisa De Leew and Tantala Ray are always worth watching... the former for her freckled thickness and the latter for her brash camp-appeal), but the reason the scene really stands out is the music. I'm telling you, this film has hands down one of the best scores I've ever heard. It makes even the film's mediocre scenes so much better. Not to imply that Squalor Motel is filled with mediocre scenes. Anyway, thanks, Miss Christy. You make good pornographies. Bring on She-Male Sanitarium!

Desperate Women (Ned Morehead, 1985)

"Words all fail the magic prize. Nothing I can say when I'm in your thighs." This totally righteous passage from "Add It Up" by Violent Femmes–one of the most overplayed songs of the late 1980s and beyond–immediately springs to mind every time Taija Rae (nsfw) appears onscreen in Kim Christy's Desperate Women (a.k.a. Exzesse hinter Gittern), a women in prison with its hairy balls in the right place; and that place is slapping not-so gingerly against Sharon Mitchell's asshole as a direct result of some pretty pathetic pelvic thrusts. At any rate, getting back to Taija Rae and her robustly luscious thighs. I won't lie, I worship at the shapely altar of Taija Rae. Boasting an organic structure that contained more curves than a winding expressway, Taija was one of the few actresses in hardcore whose body had oomph; the others being: Lois Ayres (nsfw), Tanya Foxx (nsfw) and Shana McCullough (nsfw); when you mount them doggiestyle, there will be fleshy ripples. In fact, I'm so in tune with her body, I knew it was her just by looking at her stocking-ensnared ankles when they appear attached to a pair of pumps in the film's opening scene. Sure, her being the star of the film and all meant the chances  that they were her ankles were pretty good. But still, every inch of her mid-80s era body is tattooed on my brain. Oh, and the reason I say, "mid-80s era," is because she gradually lost her oomph as the 1980s progressed.

That being said, fans of Taija Rae when her body had oomph need not worry, as it's on full display in this movie. Though, not as much as I would have hoped. We'll get to that in a minute.

In the meantime, let's talk about what one needs to do to make the perfect women in prison film. Every women in prison film I've seen so far seems to be missing something. Even the best ones, I've noticed, could use a little something extra. And, with the exception of Bare Behind Bars, that exception usually involves a total lack of hardcore sex. As in, this women in prison film is doing a tremendous job scratching me where I itch, but I really could use some penetration shots right about now.

Okay, now, let's say you add these so-called "penetration shots" to your women in prison film. But what happens if you forget to add brutal violence and campy dialogue to the mix? Failing to include these key ingredients could severely hamper your attempt to make a successful women in prison flick.

Looking over the contents of Desperate Women, a man is stabbed, a woman is raped by two guards in the shower, and a pair of expensive pumps have their heels forcibly removed by a chick in a headband. In other words, it's got some violence. Not as much as I would normally like, but it's got some.

As for the campy dialogue. Well, you can forget about Taija Rae (who for some strange reason is credited as Taja Rea), as she's playing a naive reporter who desperately wants to retrieve the camera Aurora has stashed in her vagina (more on the hidden camera in a minute). Oh, and don't worry, the camera didn't have a telephoto lens. Anyway, naive reporters aren't known to exude camp.

Um, Sharon Mitchell talks with a Cuban accent. Campy! Cyndee Summers removes the heels from Taija Rae's shoes. I know, I already mentioned that, but you got to admit, that is some pretty campy ass shit.

And Tantala Ray fingers her... Hold up, I'm going have to stop myself for a minute. Tantala Ray?!? I'm sorry, I could have saved everyone a lot of time by just saying her name. What I mean is, when I posed the question: Does Desperate Women have campy dialogue? I should have just said: Tantala Ray, as this unruly hosebeast oozes camp from every pore.

She's so campy, Liberace would have taken one look at her and said: Honeychild, you need take it down a notch, mmm-mmm. (That sounds more like Little Richard, but I get your point.) I don't think you do. She's so campy, the women of Frank The Entertainer in a Basement Affair would have turned beet red with embarrassment at the sight her campy onslaught. (All right, we get it, she's the poster girl for campiness. And who in the right mind references Frank The Entertainer in a Basement Affair? I have this sudden urge to take a shower.)

Despite having camp appeal, mild violence and penetration shots, does Desperate Women succeed at being an effective slab of sleazy entertainment? Who's to say? Oh, wait, since I just watched the film, I guess I'm to say.

Well, the film, directed by Ned Morehead (hee hee), does have one of the best opening credits sequences ever. On top of the sight of Taija Rae's aforementioned ankles walking along a dark, smokey alleyway (just for the record, her feet do the actual walking, her ankles, while to integral the walking process, are just along for the ride), the opening credits feature black fishnet stockings, electro-friendly music throbbing on the soundtrack, fingerless gloves, and, most impressively, a mysterious figure wearing a bandana over his face, is spray painting the title of the film onto a large wall.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but Taija Rae's skirt is way too long. I know, its length is probably appropriate given her occupation, but it could have shorter. That's all I'm going to say about the matter.

While doing a story on prostitution, Angela stumbles upon a hooker named China Grove (Aurora) just as she's plunging a knife in the neck of some guy. Whether this "some guy" was a drug dealer, a pimp or both, it doesn't matter, China Grove (whose short new wave hair style reminded me of a jet black version of the one LeeAnne Baker sports in Necropolis) is none too pleased when she finds out that her impromptu alleyway homicide was caught on camera.

Just as China Grove is grabbing Angela's camera away from her, a cop (Buck Adams) shows up. As the cop instructs both of them to get up against the wall, you'll notice that China Grove inserts Angela's camera into her pussy.

Frisking them, the cop lifts up China Grove's short black skirt, revealing a small pale ass that's good enough to eat. Since China Grove doesn't seem to object to this action (not that she has a choice), the cop proceeds to cram his face into the darkish realm that lays beyond her pale ass cheeks.

You can pretty much guess where things go from here. Though, as the cop stuffing his cock in and out of China Grove's pussy, she looks at Angela (who is standing awkwardly to the side as they fuck) and informs her that her camera is located somewhere around her navel right about now.

Without the camera, Angela can't prove that she didn't have anything to do with the murder China Grove committed, so both she and China Grove are sent to Sing Song Prison.

"Now you listen up and listen good, you miserable bitch," and with that line, we're introduced Tantala Ray's Sheeba, the horniest, most foul prison guard this side of Tucson, Arizona.

Sent to her cell, Angela, who is now wearing a denim work shirt (with, thankfully, no pants), meets Carla (Sharon Mitchell), her Cuban cell mate. (Did you say, Cuban?) Yep, Sharon Mitchell speaks with a Cuban accent. Seriously, is there anything Sharon Mitchell can't do? (Yeah, speak with a Cuban accent.) C'mon, it's not that bad. Either way, she's wearing bright yellow socks, and tells Angela she's in prison for overdue library books (yeah, right).

In order to make her feel more at home, Carla instigates some top bunk lesbianism with Angela. As Carla and Angela are getting to know each other (oooh, they're scissoring one another), Sheeba watches from her post in a position that is conducive to fingering. This is a dream come true, two of my favourite fuck stars dyking out while Tantala Ray: "The Susan Tyrrell of Porn" masturbates from the sidelines.

It gets even better when a male guard named Bailey (Jay Serling) shows up and starts ramming his cock into Sheeba's well-worn cubbyhole. What pleased me the most about this scene was the fact that they keep showing these close up shots of Tantala Ray's face. Personally, I love Tantala's face, but I can see how others might not be down with its uniqueness. And, as everyone knows, anything that causes perverts to not be able to jerk off in the manner they're accustomed makes me happy.

It wouldn't be a women in prison without a shower scene, and it's here where we meet Tattoo (Cyndee Summers), the chick who runs shit in this joint.

When China Grow sits on the desk of the warden (Nick Random), it reminded me of the way Christina Whitaker sits on the warden's desk in The Naked Cage. In fact, there are a ton of similarities between these two films. A sweet and innocent woman is framed by a career criminal with short, jet black hair. The prison's lead male guard wears aviator shades. And... Okay, that's all I can come up with at the moment. But, believe me, they're similar.

The biggest disappointment for me came when I realized that Taija Rae will only be appearing in two sex scenes. Hell, even Tantala Ray and Nick Random get two sex scenes. Anyway, Taija's second sex scene involves doing it with the prison Chaplin (Robert Bullock) on one of them church benches. (You mean a pew?) Yeah, one of those thingies. Now, I don't know why Taija's character agrees to fuck the Chaplin (as it doesn't lead to much of anything plot advancement-wise), but we do get to see Taija Rae's oomph-laden body undulating as a direct result of sexual activity. The way the flesh on her stomach jiggled was amazing; and to make things even more amazing, if you look carefully, it appears as if her tummy creases are smiling.

In a bizarre twist, Angela's pumps, the one's we saw in the opening scene, are the key to solving her China Grove problem. I won't say how exactly they solve this particular problem. But let's just say, it's pretty out there as far as bizarre twists go.

Let's see, did I forget anything? Oh, the shower rape scene with Sharon Mitchell, Tantala Ray and John Sterling is the film's best... after the Taija and Sharon lesbo scene, of course. The film would have been much improved had Taija Rae been given more sex scenes (she should been in every scene, if you ask me), if all the characters had worn lingerie (stockings, garter belts, etc.), and had the producers hired more extras (the prison seems to be the home of no more than five maybe six women).