Thursday, March 13, 2014

Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV (2000)

It's been roughly ten years since we last heard from Melvin Junko, a.k.a. The Toxic Avenger, "Toxie" to his friends, the hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength from Tromaville, New Jersey. Or has it? You see, while most people had to wait roughly ten years to get their next Toxie fix, I merely had to wait ten hours. The only downside of this sudden deluge of toxic-related cinema is that my mind has slowly started to erode. To put it another way, Lloyd Kaufman has begun appearing in my dreams. Do I wish the bespectacled Debbie Rochon or the adorably retarded Sweetie Honey were appearing in my dreams instead? Sure I do. That blue-haired lesbian art student with the plump titties can invade my dreams as well if she wants. In fact, all Tromettes are welcome to wallow in my subconscious (try to keep your fetid vaginal juices off my designer throw pillows, I just had them professionally cleaned at my go-to throw pillow cleaning place, "Those Aren't Pillows! Oh, wait, yes they are... Professional Pillow Cleaners Inc."). Don't worry, Lloyd doesn't do anything lewd or lascivious in my dreams. Every time I start to dream, a hyperactive Lloyd Kaufman jumps into frame and begins to introduce what I should expect in the dream I'm about to dream. Of course, everything his says doesn't come to fruition, but his enthusiasm is quite infectious. And another thing, I've noticed that whenever I'm watching a non-Troma film, that I start to get antsy after about ten seconds. At first I thought a bloodthirsty flea had crawled into my girdle. But then I realized, that's no flea, I'm antsy because no one in this non-Troma film is getting their arm forcibly removed or their head bashed in by a hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength.

You see what you've done, Lloyd Kaufman, my craving for wanton gore and excessive violence has gotten out of control. And not only that, if I don't see a character vomit, spew, hurl, or puke green slime every four or five minutes, or an old lady run over by the evil doppelgänger of Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D. every now and then, I get a super-serious case of restless leg syndrome. And you know the only way to cure a super-serious case of restless leg syndrome is to stab yourself repeatedly in the neck with a rusty speculum.

Now that I've sufficiently established that my brain has basically been ruined, or, liberated, depending on your point of view, by Troma, I can calmly go about addressing that stupid ass elephant that is currently taking up so much space in this particular room. (What elephant?) Don't play dumb. You know which elephant. Her name is Sarah/Claire. She's sometimes blind.She's always leggy. And she digs radioactive cock.

In the first film, The Toxic Avenger, Toxie's girlfriend, Sarah, is played by the beguiling Andree Maranda. And in The Toxic Avenger Part II and The Toxic Avenger Part III: The Last Temptation of Toxie, Toxie's girlfriend, Claire, is played by the wonderfully insane Phoebe Legere.

Saddled with the unenviable task of following in the footsteps of a pair of actresses who give, what I consider to be, two of the greatest performances in film history, Heidi Sjursen has her work cut out for her.

Actually, before I give my verdict regarding Heidi Sjursen's performance as Sarah/Claire, I would like talk about the exhaustively awesome opening scene that takes place at the Tromaville School For The Very Special on "Take a Mexican to Lunch Day." I liken this particular scene to a filmed wince. (A filmed what?) You know, a wince. A slight grimace caused by pain or distress. Well, this what a wince would look like if you were to say film it using cameras.

The luminous Debbie Rochon is teaching a class filled with tards... (Okay, I'm going to have to stop you right there. "Tards"?!? You know better than that.) Fine. It's taco day at the Tromaville School For The Very Special, and the very pregnant Ms. Weiner (the still luminous Debbie Rochon) is teaching the students all about tacos. When, all of a sudden... (Don't tell me, a gang calling themselves "The Diaper Mafia" burst into the classroom wielding automatic weapons.) How did you know that was going to happen? (Um, this is my fourth Toxic Avenger movie in as many days, so, I kinda know what to expect.)

Anyway, whether squirting baby milk into Sweetie Honey's face or beating her over the head with their massive breasts, certain members of The Diaper Mafia seem to enjoy picking on Sweetie Honey. And I have to say, this has got to stop. In fact, the next diaper-wearing reprobate who even looks at Sweetie Honey (Lisa Terezakis) in a manner I deem objectionable is going to feel the brunt of a tartar-causing knuckle sandwich. Am I making myself clear? What's that? It's only a movie, eh? Well, we'll see about that.

Movie or not, no one shoots milk from a baby bottle, especially while holding the baby bottle crotch level as if to convey that the baby bottle is your erect penis, in Sweet Honey's face and lives to tell about it. At least not on my watch.

When I first saw Tito (Michael Budinger) masturbating right in the middle of class to Over 50 Magazine, I had no idea this stuttering half a tard would become such an iconic character. The self-proclaimed "Rebel Retard," Tito plays by his own rules. So much so that when The Diaper Mafia burst into the class, he says, "Fuck this, I'm out of here," and leaves the classroom.

In no mood to take part in a hostage situation, Tito resigns to the maintenance closet to shoot heroin. Speaking of maintenance closets, you know what they keep in maintenance closets? (I don't know, cleaning products.) That's right, cleaning products. And what's the best device to use to deploy said cleaning prod... (Cut the shit, when does David Mattey's Toxie show up?) Toxie? He should be here in a few minutes to kill some diapered assholes. (Good, that's all I needed to know.)

In terms of evaluating Diaper Mafia hotness, the woman in the pinkish pantyhose is... Oh, wait. They're all wearing pinkish pantyhose, even the men. Hmm. I got it. Do you see the taut blonde straddling that lucky tard at the back of the class? Yeah, well, she has got it going on. And what makes what she's got going on go on even further is the fact that she looses her diaper midway through the scene. Meaning, the only thing standing between us and her supple as creamed corn undercarriage is a thin layer of pinkish nylon. Yum.

When Toxie finally does arrive to save the day, he disembowels, asphyxiates (with freshly defecated excrement), stabs (with pencil-sharpened fingers), and generally fucks up a shitload of those pesky infantile troublemakers for daring to mess with Tromaville's most precious resource: it's tards. (What about Joe Fleishaker, Toxie's morbidly obese sidekick, doesn't he fuck anyone up?) You mean, Lardass? (yeah, him.) Hmm, not really. He does spread peanut butter all over a bomb, then eats it. Oh, and when the bomb blows up inside Lardass's stomach, it causes a rift to form in the spacetime continuum. (Huh?)

I'll let James Gunn explain. Oh, crap! (What?!?) Look at that. James Gunn, who plays the wheelchair bound and slightly retarded Doctor Flem Hocking, is surrounded by  Troma babes. (So?) Don't you see, I can't focus on plot-centric exposition of a scientific nature with, count 'em, four Troma babes, or "Tromettes," as they're some times called, standing in the frame at once. I mean, look at them. They're amazing. One of them even has a lazy-eye! Double yum.

Which reminds me. Even though I've watched four Toxic Avenger movies in as many days, I wouldn't exactly call myself a Troma expert. But there is one thing I do know, and that is, Troma's talent for casting attractive women, whether they be leading ladies or background people, is first-rate. The next time you find yourself watching a Troma movie, make sure to take the time to appreciate the effort that must have been made to cast interesting-looking women.

Why is Toxie ripping off the arms of the chief of police and throwing that twelve-year old girl against a brick wall? (Oh, man, you really weren't listening to James Gunn, were you?) What can I say, I'm sucker for chicks with lazy-eyes. (At any rate, that's not Toxie, that's Noxie, The Noxious Offender, the evil Toxie who lives in Amortville. And, well, after the explosion, the evil Toxie is transported to Tromaville.) Okay, I get it now. (It's good to have you on board.)

And since Noxie is in Amortville, that would mean the good Toxie, along with Tito and Sweetie Honey, is currently in Amortville. (Exactly.) This applies to all the residents of Tromaville. For example, the Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD (Paul Kyrmse) in Tromaville is a lovable drunk with low-esteem, while the Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD in Amortville is an evil sadist who enjoys running over old ladies.

While the evil Toxie teams up with Sgt. Kazinski (Dan Snow), a psychotic cop, to turn Tromaville into a fascist dictatorship (Mayor Ron Jeremy didn't stand a chance, nor did Dolphin Man), the good Toxie must survive on the means streets of Amortville long enough to find a way home. Joining forces with a severed head named Pompey (Barry Brisco), good Toxie, the crack-addicted Tito, and the too cute for words Sweetie Honey take the fight to the unruly residents of Amortville, who are basically a bunch of cock-chugging masochists. Hell, even Chester, Lardass's Amortville persona, is a shameless whore.

Speaking of whores, Claire (Heidi Sjursen), the woman who looks like Toxie's Sarah in the Amortville universe, manages to somehow retain her sex appeal. Playing a dentally challenged angel in the black stockings covered in runs, Heidi Sjursen basically steals the movie as the hearing impaired Claire, a woman who expects the good Toxie to fill her chocolate starfish with chunky, chunky dick snot. It would seem that the evil Toxie mistreats Claire in this realm. Meaning, that Sarah, Toxie's blind wife from Tromaville, who is pregnant with the good Toxie's baby, is going to be mistreated when the evil Toxie finds her.

Oh, he's going to do more than "mistreat her," he's going to force her to make out with a blue-haired lesbian at one point. (Wait, that doesn't sound so bad.) Actually, I don't want to describe what the evil Toxie does to Sarah, as his penis scares me.

At any rate, I didn't think it was humanly possible but Heidi Sjursen can hold her head up high, as her performance as Sarah/Claire is just as compelling as the one's given by Andree Maranda and Phoebe Legere, who are legends as far as I'm concerned. I know, that's high praise. And, at first I was like, who does this chick think she is? But slowly but surely, she began to win me over.

Bringing the bubbly retarded bent that is the cornerstone of the Sarah character, Heidi amps up the clueless head movements and adds a bit of breathy confusion to the role. Oh, and the fact that she spends the majority of the third act pregnant and covered in blood is to be commended.

In the alternate universe, things are completely different. (How so?) I'll tell you how so. Constantly waving her arms about in an attempt to perform sign language, Heidi Sjursen's Claire is even more demented than Sarah. The teeth, the torn stockings, the PVC mini-skirt, the arm flailing, the slutty demenour, the bruises, everything about Claire is awesome. In the film's best scene, Claire allows Chester to lick her feet while consuming a block of cheese at the same time.

Rectal hemorrhaging abortion doctors, Corey Feldman, blue-haired lesbians, dwarf Gods, Matrix-style fight scenes involving upright cows, the bloodiest hospital hallway fight sequence in film history (the arterial spray was like a freaking fire hose), Julie Strain, a womb-based battle where mop-wielding foetuses fight to the death, a gay porno set, Lisa Gaye, sign language, and lazy eyes. As you can clearly see, this film has it all. I think Tito should get his own movie, as I think the self-proclaimed "Retarded Rebel" has more to give to the world of cinema. Don't groan too loudly, but I think I need to go into detox. Get it. "Detox." I just watched all The Toxic Avenger movies, and now I need to... (We get it. Now, go outside. You're clearly toxic, and clearly on the cusp of slipping under.) Oh, and if I ask you what your favourite Britney Spears' song is, and you don't immediately say, "Toxic," you're clearly retarded. ;)


  1. You know, I was half joking when I asked if there was a part IV. Hee hee.

    So, I heard there was a sale of Honest Ed's signs this week. When I went to my favorite online auction site, I was shocked at the prices! One sign for $3.99 shirts is up to $154.49 with 5 days left in the auction. The heck?!?

    1. Unfortunately, there's no part five. :(

      This means war! A Troma's War, perhaps?

      Honest Ed's: At first I thought, who would want that crap? Then I remembered that their signs practically ooze kitsch. It's the font, baby.