All the Colours of the Dark (Sergio Martino, 1972)

If a movie causes you to check your body for Satanic tattoos after it's over, you know it's doing something right. Hey, you know what they say? Post-consumption bodily self-inspection is the cornerstone of fine art. I'm also curious to know how many pairs of black, almost knee-high boots were sold after All the Colours of the Dark (a.k.a. They're Coming to Get You) hit the faces of the boot-loving populace back in the early 1970s. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if they [the boot manufactures] had a booth set up in the theatre lobby. And why not? I mean, who wouldn't want to emulate the stylish sophistication Edwige Fenech exudes throughout this giallo thriller with supernatural overtones? Sure, some of us can only dream of being a chic brunette with a blemish-free T-zone and a pair of legs that are creamy enough to be poured into the blackest, almost knee-high boots money can buy, but that's where Italian cinema comes in. Designed to plug up the gaping holes that litter our pathetic, non-boot-adorned lives, writer-director Sergio Martino (Torso) has created a fantastical world jam-packed with the kind of images that will make you swoon like a baby that was just secreted from the wart-laden slip 'n slide that is your average witch's birth canal. Funny, I didn't know witch babies liked movies that featured Satanic rituals, freaky dream sequences, blue-eyed dagger enthusiasts, and angelic women with dark hair who writhe a lot? They should, but they don't. Then again, I was speaking metaphorically. Actually, the film is pretty sparse when it comes to scenes that involve Satanists doing what Satanists do best, and that is, of course, worshiping Satan. And, come to think of it, the film seemed to be lacking in the freaky dream sequence department. But as far as blue-eyed dagger enthusiasts and angelic brunettes go, this is the film to see to get your fill of both.
 

 

Even though I thought his eyebrows could use a bit of a trim, Ivan Rassimov makes his presence felt almost immediately as...well, he's credited as "Mark Cogan," but I like to call him the blue-eyed dagger enthusiast. Why is that, you ask? Well, for starters, his eyes are blue. And secondly, he's always carrying a dagger in a manner that struck me as enthusiastic. Which got me a thinking. If you put those two distinct character traits together, you get: Blue-eyed dagger enthusiast. 
 

 

I don't think I have to explain why I called Edwige Fenech's character an angelic woman with dark hair. Don't forget, an angelic woman who also writhes a lot. Yeah, yeah, who writhes a lot. If you want me to explain why, I'll be more than happy to. Hmmm, judging by your frantic head shaking, I'll take that as a no. Your loss.
 

 

Don't be fooled by the serenity that greets us right off the bat (the opening credits are an unbroken shot of a pastoral pond), because things are are about to get sick, brainsick, that is.
 

 

Suddenly, a clock appears out of nowhere. A crazed old woman with bad teeth screams (for added creepiness, she's dressed like a little girl). A naked pregnant woman with a large black afro lies on a table ready to give birth. Then we're shown a close up of a pair icy blue eyes, followed by some quick shots of a dagger in motion. What's going on? I haven't the slightest idea. But when all is said and done, everyone, including a naked brunette lying on a bed, are covered in stab wounds. Transported to a country road at night, the sequence ends after a car crashes into a tree. The second the car is about to hit the tree, Jane Harrison (Edwige Fenech) wakes up in her London flat and wanders in a daze towards her London bathroom.
 

 

Just like Winona Ryder's character in Heathers, Jane showers with her clothes on when she's stressed out. And just like Winona Ryder, Edwige Fenech is so gorgeous, it's scary. As you watch Edwige Fenech in the early going of All the Colours of the Dark, you can't help but think: How is it physically possible for someone to be this attractive. I mean, it's unreal. Anyway, her boyfriend, what's this guys name? Oh, yeah, Richard (George Hilton), shows up just in time to comfort her by caressing her naked body and feeding her vitamins.
 

 

Neither seem to work, however, as Jane has the stab dream again. Leaving her flat (a cool art deco apartment complex), Jane is accompanied by her sister Barbara (Nieves Navarro), who, by the way, is the exact same height as Edwige Fenech, to see Dr. Burton (George Rigaud), a shrink; despite Richard's objections (he thinks they're all a bunch of quacks).
 

 

Guess who Jane sees in the waiting room? She sees Ivan Rassimov's blue-eyed dagger enthusiast, that's who. On top of being enthusiastic about daggers, it would seen that he also enjoys lurking and stalking. Wait a minute, did you say he enjoys lurking and stalking? Yes, I think I did. You won't believe this, but I have "enjoys lurking and stalking" listed on my Match.com profile. Except, I have it listed as "stalking and lurking," not "lurking and stalking."
 

 

Of course, Dr. Burton doesn't believe Jane when she tries to tell him that she saw the blue-eyed dagger enthusiast who enjoys lurking and stalking, and stalking and lurking, in the waiting room. But don't worry, Barbara corroborates Jane's story that there was in deed a blue-eyed dagger enthusiast sitting in the waiting room at one point. You should have seen me the moment when Barbara backs up Jane's story, I was all like: In your face, Dr. Burton! You should spend less time leering at Edwige Fenech's fetching knees, and more time listening to your patients problems.
 

 

Though, I have to admit. If you're going to leer at a woman's knees, you can't beat the knees attached to Edwige Fenech. I mean, c'mon. They're fantastic. 
 

 

After being told by Dr. Burton that she is "quite sane," Jane heads down to the subway. Sitting crossed-legged, the exposed leg skin languishing between the bottom of her skirt and the top of her boots no doubt causing many trouser-related irregularities to occur in the London underground that day, Jane can't help but overhear an asinine conversation being conducted by a typical English family. When her car eventually empties out, Jane notices that she and a man in a tan trench coat are the only ones left. No worries, right? Wrong. It's the blue-eyed dagger enthusiast. And every time the lights flicker, he seems to get closer. Realizing that it's only a matter of time before he is sitting on her not yet damp lap, Jane makes a run for it.
 

 

It might seem weird now, but back in the early 1970s lot's of people were joining Satanic cults on a whim. And Jane is no different. When she arrives home after being harassed by the blue-eyed dagger enthusiast, Jane meets Mary (Marina Malfatti), her blonde upstairs neighbour. The two hit it off immediately. While walking through the park, Mary suggests to Jane that she should join the Satanic cult she belongs to–you know, to clear her head. Like I said, nowadays, no-one wants to join a Satanic cult, but Jane seems open to the idea.
 

 

In fact, she's so open, she agrees to attend today's meeting. But first, she's got to get attacked by the blue-eyed dagger enthusiast; it's in her contract. When the attack, complete with crazy editing and the kick ass music of Bruno Nicolai, is over, it's ritual time, baby! You can tell just by looking at him that  Mr. McBrian (Julián Ugarte) is the leader of this particular Satanic cult. How could I tell? Well, for starters, check out his beard. And secondly, the long fingernails and the gaudy, eyeball-centric jewelry are dead giveaways.
 

 

While watching her drink fresh fox blood, and be inundated with many kisses, I think it's safe to say that Jane is now in league with Satan. Will this new allegiance help quell Jane's nightmares? Who's to say? It doesn't, however, mean that the blue-eyed dagger enthusiast is ever going to leave her alone.
 

 

Quick question: Why is Lisa Leonardi credited as "Girl with dog"? Yeah, she's walking a dog. But don't you think "Girl with killer gams" would have been more appropriate? 
 

 

Repeatedly told that, "you belong to us," Jane soon finds out that Satanic cults are easier to join, than they are to unjoin. And not to mention the eyeball triangle tattoo that all the Satanics get is a pain in the ass to remove, especially if you get one on your ass. Dripping style (short skirts and killer production design) and replete with trippy thrills (if you're going to be chased around London by a creepy dude with piercing blue eyes, you can't beat Ivan Rassimov, he rocks), All the Colours of the Dark is so chic it hurts. Great locations, awesome soundtrack, yeah, yeah, there could have been more gore, but Sergio Martino makes stalking seem cool again; not that it ever went out of fashion. A gorgeous leading lady and an effective villain make this Italian giallo worth a look-see.

   

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Special thanks to ido for recommending this chichi film.
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Strip Nude for Your Killer (Andrea Bianchi, 1975)

There were numerous benefits to being European in the mid-1970s: Chic clothing, fuel-efficient cars, cities crawling with sexually liberated citizens with robust eyebrows, rotary phones, and law enforcement agencies whose ranks were overflowing with red pantie-obsessed reprobates. On the downside, being European in the mid-1970s also meant that you will be stabbed at one point or another during your voguish lifespan. Now, while being stabbed might not sound all that bad. You have to remember that the word "stabbed" does not mean what you think it means. To be "stabbed" implies that a foreign object is being forced into a place where foreign objects are not welcome. Of course, as most people know, there are certain places where foreign objects are welcome. In fact, I'm stabbing myself in one of those places right this minute. But the person doing the stabbing does not want to stab you there, their intention is to disrupt the operational integrity of one or more of your internal organs by thrusting a pointy piece of metal through them. And I'm no doctor, but the blood loss as a result of being stabbed with a pointy piece of metal will cause your cushy European existence to become fraught with unforeseen complications.

The human body, even the European variety, needs blood in order to function in a productive manner. I mean, for example, a European woman will have a better chance of putting on and taking off her exquisitely tailored lingerie more efficiently if she hasn't been stabbed. On the other hand, a European woman, one who has just been stabbed with, oh, let's say, a sharp knife, will have some difficultly manipulating the complex levers and pulleys of her garter belt.

The killer in Strip Nude for Your Killer (a.k.a. Nude per l'assassino), Andrea Bianchi's stylish giallo thriller set in the world of high fashion, is such a stabbing enthusiast, that I was actually worried for a second there that they were going to run out of people to stab. Luckily, the fashion industry in Milan is so heavily stocked with attractive and not-so attractive (sorry all you guys with plastic girlfriends and excessive back-fat) people to bump off, that I'm sure it will be quite some time before they run out of victims. Targeting the chichi employees of an unnamed photography studio, the killer, dressed head-to-toe in leather and wearing a black motorcycle helmet, systematically stabs their way through the joint's entire staff.

Every confrontation is greeted with an eerie clicking noise followed by the sound of water running from a tap. When you hear either of these things, you should immediately brace yourself, because you're about to be brutally murdered.

Even though she isn't wearing a single stitch of lingerie, my favourite murder was the one that featured the insanely gorgeous Femi Benussi roaming around her apartment.

Never has the investigation of a mysterious thud been so intoxicating, Femi's naked body and overall aura were downright electrifying. To watch her slowly lurk through the nooks and crannies her sparsely lit residence was the equivalent to being spanked with a spatula made entirely out of dead bunnies. (Those interested in animal rights will be reassured to know that if I were to make a spatula like that, the dead bunnies would be very much alive when I mutilated them.)

The assailant uses the running water diversion technique. In that, the moment their potential victim turns off one tap, another tap in the house is turned on. And, as you would expect, this does nothing but unnerve the hunter's prey. Well, in the case of Femi Benussi, who plays Lucia, an aspiring model, I wish they would have played the faucet game all night long. (Okay, we get it, you like watching Femi investigate strange noises in the buff.)

It should be said that Femi Benussi also makes a fantastic entrance in the film. Sauntering through a resort in a skimpy bikini with a curvaceous effrontery–the hypnotic back and forth of her child bearing hips caused a thicket of Italian men to strain their necks while trying to get a peak at her undulating femininity–Femi manages to deflect the perverted advances of an aggressively obnoxious fashion photographer named Carlo (Nino Castelnuovo) and look fabulous simultaneously.

On top of that, Femi was able to steal a scene merely by sitting with her legs crossed in an office. You see, the police are questioning Gisella (Amanda), the gal who runs the magazine/fashion agency/whatever, but our minds–and the mind of one of the detectives–is firmly focused on Femi's glorious red panties.

While I realize calling Femi Benussi "insanely gorgeous" is a bold statement, especially when you consider the fact that Strip Nude for Your Killer also stars Edwige Fenech, Solvi Stubing, and Erna Schürer (who are all gorgeous in their own right), I stand by my choice. What I did was carefully consider the evidence, weigh the pros and cons (navel density, thigh fluctuation, etc.), and after a long deliberation, came to the conclusion that Femi is the one for me. Nevertheless, that does not mean I'm going to sit idly by and let Edwige, Solvi, and Erna go unloved.

Boasting a strong pair of calves and an unexpected tender side, Erna Schürer's Doris is probably the film's most complex character. Experiencing the humiliation (constantly being forced to pose for pictures with mustachioed men and motorcycles) and degradation (constantly being forced to have sex against their will) that can come with being a fashion model in the mid-1970s first hand, Doris has seen it all. Whether being slapped around by her disgusting boyfriend, treated shabbily by pompous photographers, or forced to endure the sexual advances of creepy co-workers, she always manages to maintain an air of quiet dignity; which, I hear, is a hard thing to pull off while wearing a leopard print coat.

The way Erna handled the botched sexual encounter with Maurizo (Franco Diogene), the aforementioned creepy co-worker, was rather touching. Instead of mocking the his unsatisfactory performance, Doris was sympathetic towards him. I didn't expect this kind of pathos to come out of a bungled rape attempt, but there it was. And she managed to elicit it while wearing lingerie, a reoccurring theme in this film.

Proving my point, the statuesque Solvi Stubing does her best work whilst looking confused and chic in teal lingerie.

I'll admit, the sheer attractiveness of Edwige Fenech was overwhelming at times. Seriously, the fact that I was able to get through the entire film without seeing any drool escape from the mouth of my Aunt Judy's favourite armpit cyst was a minor miracle. Sporting an adorable haircut and always willing to show you the colour of her underwear (her black panties should have got a screen credit), Edwige oozes an intense form of elegance as Magda. Well, actually, now that I think about it, her character is quite clumsy. But there's no law that says you can't be clumsy and elegant. Sure, it's a bit of a contradiction, but I'm not really a big fan of using words in their proper context.

The so-called "hero" of the piece was, in reality, a sleazy asshole (he joked about anal rape, had no qualms about causing a healthy woman to develop an eating disorder, and seemed to enjoy mock strangling his girlfriend a little too much) and as per usual, I lost track (and interest) of what the killer was up to after a certain point. Yet, the the stunning actresses and the daintiness of their flimsy wardrobes kept me going until the big reveal at the end.

Oh, and don't worry, I haven't forgotten to praise the actress known simply as "Amanda." She rocked a red and black turtleneck ensemble in one scene like a superstar, and I liked the no-nonsense shape of her bum.

video uploaded by hassanlhr1

Special thanks to the wannabe mad scientists over at Love Train for the Tenebrous Empire for making me aware of this spicy, lingerie-flavoured dish. And make sure to check out those crazy kids over at Tower Farm Reviews; the phrase "humiliatingly sleazy Speedo" is employed.

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