The Backdoor Club (Jack Remy, 1985)

While the anus-loosening methods used by the A-Busters in White Bunbusters to get American women to open the final section of their large intestines to penis traffic might seem crude by comparison, their European brethren in Jack Remy's The Backdoor Club are just as dogged when it comes to getting their cocks thoroughly shellacked by womanly butt-juice. Of course, like in the Dark Brothers classic, most American women don't want dicks in their asses. However, instead of calling up some shady operation on the outskirts of town (one that promises to send over the finest door-to-door anal rapists forty dollars can buy), you have to physically get on a plane and fly all the way over to Munich, West Germany if you ever want your forlorn penis to see the inside of your wife/girlfriend's flawless rectum. I know, you're probably thinking to yourself: What kind of person would go through all that trouble just to fuck his wife or girlfriend in the ass? Well, for starters, these aren't "people" we're talking about here, they're men. In other words, they will do just about anything if they think it will benefit their revolting cocks. And secondly... No, that just about covers it. I've said it once and I'll say it again: Men love holes.

And one of their favourite holes is, you guessed it, the human anus. Clamoring for free access to the fleshy canals for centuries, men have always been curious about the opening next to the vagina/ball-sack.

Since European men have been clamoring for free access for much longer, European women are more willing to indulge their anal fantasies. In American, however, anal sex between consenting adults has always been frowned upon. The nation's puritan origins obviously played a large role in explaining why anal sex isn't as popular as it should be. But the fact you can't get pregnant via anal sex has something to do with it as well. You see, in order to replace the native population that they had just slaughtered, the white people who would eventually call themselves Americans came to the conclusion that vaginal intercourse, not kinky ass play, was the best way to increase their numbers.

While the European population was busy butt-fucking and fighting wars (a population killer if there ever was one), Americans were having tons of state-sanctioned, baby-producing vaginal intercourse.

You might not realize it by looking at it, but The Backdoor Club encapsulates the gaping divide that exists between Europe and America when it comes to sex. (It can't be that simple, can it?) Um, in the movie, the film's three Euro-porn starlets are fucked in the ass, the film's three American porn starlets are not.

Oh, sure, multiple attempts are made to coerce the Americans into letting the likes of Gabriel Pontello and Sascha Atzenbeck fuck them in their asses, but the Americans' cheeks remain clenched.... closed for business.

After taking us on a tour of the streets of Munich (the decision to use the video camera's blurring effect during this sequence was ill-advised), and delighting us with the film's on the cusp of being catchy theme song by "Galaxy" ("Slip in through the back door, like a thief in the night!"), the singer, by the way, sounds like Nina Hagen, if she had a head cold, The Backdoor Club gets down to business by showing an American couple, Tony (Herschel Savage), a dumpy palooka, and Sadie (Danielle Martin), a lithe blonde, entering the "Backdoor Club," a lavishly furnished home complete with expensive-looking artwork on the walls and fancy couches.

Reluctant to have her ass penetrated by a throbbing rock hard dick, Sadie manifests her unwillingness by pouting on a white couch (this couch, in case you're wondering, is the film's least fancy).

Noticing Sadie's childish antics are another couple, Horst (Gabriel Pontello) and Missy (Taija Rae), who are sitting nearby. Since I can't understand a word Horst says, I can't tell you what he asks Missy. That being said, I'm going to go ahead and assume that his query was butt-sex-related, as her response goes something like this: "Are you serious? My asshole is doing flip-flops." What does that mean, I thought to myself. Either way, the dialogue I did understand is clunky, and I can't wait for them to stop saying words out loud to one another.

Even though they say a few words here and there (ugh), the scene where Backdoor Club's butler, Hans (Sascha Atzenbeck) has sex on a table with two Backdoor employees, Gretchen (Christine Level) and Rachel (Tracey Adams), wearing satin garter-belts is up next. And it's here where we get our first taste of the film's continental divide when it comes to anal sex, as Tracey Adams' asshole goes conspicuously un-fucked during this scene. Come to think of it, I don't think Tracey Adams' character actually works there. I mean, it doesn't make sense for a woman who doesn't do anal to work at a brothel that specializes in anal sex.

When Sadie asks Horst if he's an "old hand," she realizes right away that she needs to dumb things down a shade. Gesturing toward her asshole, Sadie asks Horst, "Does it hurt"? To which Horst responds: "You mean, ass-fucking"? I'll admit, that line caused me to make a laughing sound. The combination of Gabriel Pontello's broken English combined with the fact that he's a terrible actor is probably the film's strongest non-stocking element.

Oh, what's that? I haven't mentioned the stockings yet. How strange. Well, it's a given that all the female performers wear stockings. After all, the film is European (stockings and Euro-porn go hand in hand). So, you won't be getting any complaints from me. Anyway, I have to say, the fully-fashioned stockings attached to Danielle Martin's beautiful legs are pretty much perfect. Everything from the colour (jet black), to the thickness of the nylon, to the size of the seams was absolute delight. 10/10!

It also helped that Danielle wore a red dress with red strappy heals, as I thought they went well with her black stockings.

As for Taija Rae (the reason I watched this film in the first place). She isn't really given that much do. Sure, it's 1985 (the height of her shapeliness) and her thighs look amazing as usual. But watching Herschel Savage anal shame Taija Rae as he plowed into her vagina doggie-style kinda ruined the mood.

Hey, Herschel. Do you mind not asking Taija Rae every other hump if she wants your dick in her ass, it's hampering my ability to appreciate the hypnotic ripple effect your pedestrian thrusts are causing to occur on the surface area of her sublime mid-80s buttocks. Seriously, one of my favourite things in the whole world is to watch the flesh on Taija Rae's ass ripple as a direct result of being fucked, and you're ruining it.

While the editing of the final scene is, let's just say, off-putting (four sex scenes are slapped together in a haphazard manner - video editing at its worst), you can't undermine Danielle Martin's sex appeal. Doing it with some guy who looks like Paul Bernardo on one of them fancy couches I alluded to earlier, Danielle (after some of the most awkward dialogue I've ever heard - it made me want to crawl underneath my non-fancy couch) gets fucked in the hole of her choice. And that is, of course, her vagina.

Should more American women allow their anuses to be fodder for erect penises? Who's to say? All I know is this: Don't let guys named Horst force you insert things in places that you don't want things... inserted.

Streetwalkin' (Joan Freeman, 1985)

If you're not a prostitute, a pimp, a John or a run of the mill lowlife, I'm afraid there's no place for you in Streetwalkin', the second best movie about a demented white psycho-pimp on the warpath. The best, of course, is Vice Squad. However, this film, co-written and directed by Joan Freeman, does away with the cop subplots and the ham-fisted moralizing. You heard right, there are no police and no-one tries to teach us a valuable lesson, it's just prostitutes, pimps, Johns, run of the mill lowlifes and nothing else. What's that? Is there a place for leggy junkie whores in this movie? Even though they fit under the prostitute umbrella, I can assure you, leggy junkie whores are more than welcome. In fact, if I happened to be cruising the streets for affordable poontang in this particular section of New York City during the mid-1980s, I know exactly which leggy junkie whore I would choose. I think you all know which leggy junkie whore I'm talking about. Let's all say her name together, ready... 1, 2, 3, Phoebe!!! That's weird, most of you yelled "Cookie," the name of the naive floozy played by Melissa Leo. While I adored Cookie's predilection for white stockings and pink mini-skirts (an awesome combination), I'm sucker for Annie Golden, especially when she plays–that's right, you got it–leggy junkie whores.

Now that I've established which prostitute I want to go on a "date" with, let's move on to another topic. Just kidding, there are no other topics. Actually, that's not entirely true. The film does shed a fair amount of light on the importance of choosing a pimp. I know, that's not really another topic, but it's got nothing to do with Annie Golden's nylon-ensnared thighs shimmering in the neon slime, and that's something.

As I was saying, selecting a pimp that fits your hooking style is the most important decision a whore has to make during her lifespan. Whether you're a rookie like Cookie or a been there, done that old timer like Queen Bee (Julie Newmar), you need think carefully before settling on a pimp.

Since most pimps get off on the power, you need to stir clear of pimps who are megalomaniacal.

If you have a drug habit, you need to go with a pimp who will tolerate your constant nagging for a fix. And judging by the pimp Annie Golden's Phoebe has representing her lavender-scented cooze, she has chosen wisely. Call me misguided and a tad on the deranged side, but I can tell that Finesse (Antonio Fargas) pimps with a chivalrous grace. And I'm not just saying that because his name is "Finesse." No, I'm saying this because his wardrobe is on point... and he keeps tiny packets of smack in the brim of his hat.

As for Cookie, she chooses unwisely. Now, granted, she didn't really have a choice when it came time to pick a pimp (she's turned out at the bus station). That being said, she should have known that letting Duke (Dale Midkiff) be the one to turn her out was going to end badly. Of course, I'm not saying that all white pimps are sick in the head. But let's get real, white men don't pimp because of socio-economic reasons. They pimp because they're usually sadistic twists who feed off the misery of others.

Not to brag, but I knew Duke was trouble the moment I laid eyes on him. And we're talking trouble with a capital 'T.' Unfortunately, Cookie doesn't see what I see. Instead, she sees Duke as her savior when he approaches her and Tim (Randall Batinkoff), her younger brother, at the bus station.

Given that the film is a Roger Corman production, the cast and crew have very little to work with as far as resources go. However, the makers of this film have one thing that money can't buy. That's right, they have all of New York City–in the mid-1980s–at their disposal. Shot entirely at night over the course of twenty days, the film captures the city during the height of its reign as the cultural center of the universe.
  

It's true, the majority of the run of the mill lowlifes who appear in this film have no idea they're living through a cultural renaissance. But when they (the run of the mill lowlifes) look back at this particular period of time years later, they'll be able to fully grasp the importance of the era with a little more clarity. That is, if they somehow managed to not get murdered, or overdose, or die of AIDS, or accidentally fall down a manhole.

Since the film doesn't have the time or the budget to show Duke and Cookie getting know each other, they simply show that Cookie keeps a photo-booth photo of her and Duke posing as a couple in love spanning time on the wall of her apartment. Oh, and if you're wondering how Cookie managed to get her own place so quickly, you can thank Duke for that, and, to lesser to extent, you can thank Cookie's pussy. What am I saying, "to a lesser extent." If anything, Cookie's pussy is doing the bulk of the heavy lifting.
  

Do you see that box of Twinkies Cookie is putting away? Yeah, Cookie's pussy paid for those Twinkies. And the great thing about Cookie's pussy is that she doesn't even have to insert anything into it to get paid. What I mean is, she can make men ejaculate sperm simply by flashing her pale, white stocking-adjacent thighs at them.
  

As Cookie is making men cum their corduroys without even touching them, Duke is beating up Heather (Deborah Offner), a fellow prostitute and Cookie's roommate. As you might expect, the reason Duke is doing this is because of money (he thinks Heather is holding out on him).

After Cookie takes an unconscious Heather to the E.R., she probably starts thinking to herself: Maybe this Duke fella isn't the best pimp for me. Enter Jason (Leon), a charming pimp who's tough yet fair. Actually, I have no idea if he's "tough yet fair." I do know this, Cookie wants him to be her pimp. I also know this, Duke isn't going to be pleased when he finds out his biggest earner has defected to the competition.
  

It might be awhile before he finds out, as Duke is too busy trying to steal Star (Khandi Alexander) away from Finesse, a suave pimp whose talent for cooling hos out is the stuff of pimping legend. Taking place at an after hours pimp club, Duke makes a play for Star right front of Finesse. Finesse's other ho, Phoebe (Annie Golden),  is there, too. But she's too stoned to notice.
  

What I liked most about the scenes at the after hours pimp club was the use of "I Want To Be Real" by John Rocca (it's song that's playing when Duke walks in), the part where Duke's sleazy sidekick, Creepy (Greg Germann), tries to pick up a woman at the bar, the abundance of neon, and, of course, Annie Golden acting high as fuck.
  

Even though I mentioned her earlier, I can't believe it's taken me this long to refer to Julie Newmar's outfit. Okay, here it goes, Julie Newmar, who, like I said earlier, plays Queen Bee (a streetwise older whore), wears red stockings and... that's pretty much it. Oh, sure, she's wearing a red teddy type leotard thingy. But let's get real, her red stockings are not to be trifled with. Dominating every scene she's in with a leggy aplomb, Julie Newmar's 50 year-old gams sheathed in red stockings manage to steal every scene they're in. It also helps that Julie Newmar gives a funny performance as an aging hooker who hopes to save up enough money to get in the "horse business."
   

People, like me, who mostly know Melissa Leo as Det. Howard from the '1990s TV show, Homicide: Life on the Street, might find the sight of her making dumb decisions in sexy lingerie a little hard to swallow. But after awhile, I kind of got used to it. The reason it took some getting used is because her role on Homicide is the complete opposite to Cookie. We're talking no make-up, no mini-skirts, no BDSM. And, yes, there's a great BDSM scene in Streetwalkin' where Cookie and Star are paid to rough up a John in a cheap motel.

To surprise of no-one, Duke becomes enraged when he finds out that Cookie has joined up with Jason. Enlisting the help of Creepy, Duke doggedly pursues Cookie for the majority of the film's final third. And if that means getting in fist-fights with every other pimp in the city, so be it, as the Wings Hauser is strong in this one. Wait, did I just make a Star Wars reference? Ugh. Hopefully nobody will read this far. Anyway, did I mention that Streetwalkin' is a great movie? (You sort of did... in your own convoluted way.) Cool.