The Duke of Burgundy (Peter Strickland, 2014)

As the milfy goddess at the center of this sumptuous tale of moths, mannequins and cunnilingus slowly began to hike her skirt up as her maid gave her a foot massage, I wondered to myself: Whose pussy is this supposed to benefit? To someone who just happened to stumble upon them on a lark (ooh, look... a clothed lesbian is touching another clothed lesbian's feet), it's obvious that the milfy goddess is the main benefactor. But to someone (okay, me) who has seen The Duke of Burgundy from start to finish (multiple times), I can safely state that both are getting something out of this impromptu foot-based rub-down. I know, the maid is acting like she would rather be out collecting butterflies. But believe me, she is loving every minute of this. Such is the off-kilter dynamic of Evelyn and Cynthia, who partake in, what has to be, one of the healthiest relationships ever captured on film. Call it BDSM, call it... Well, let's just call it BDSM (bondage, dominance/submission and sadomasochism) for now. As I was saying, the relationship depicted in this film, written directed by Peter Strickland (Berberian Sound Studio), caused me to feel strangely at ease.

In most movies that feature characters who engage in some sort of relationship (whether they're simply dating, noncommittal fuck buddies or a married couple), I find their antics to be repulsive. Sleeping in the same bed together, respecting each other (no one, for example, is locked in a trunk overnight), pretending to be interested in what in the other one is blathering on about, these people make me want to puke. This, thankfully, didn't happen once over the course of this film. In fact, I found myself nodding in agreement to most of what I saw transpiring in front of me.

I liked how the relationship in this film was two women, as opposed to a man and a woman. What I mean is, I'm glad it wasn't a man dominating a woman; I can't stand maledom. And while it's true, I do prefer femdom. The relationship depicted in this film can't really be classified as "femdom," as it doesn't properly identify who the dominate party is, and both parties are women. Now, I didn't come up with this term (though, I wish I did), but the best way describe "the thing" between Evelyn (Chiara D'Anna) and Cynthia (Sidse Babett Knudsen, Borgen) is lezdom.

Since the primary relationship is a lezdom one, this eliminates the need for men. Sure, you could show men lingering in the background, but what would be the point of that? No, Peter Strickland's decision to have an all-female cast was the correct one. Of course, I happen to think that all movies, with the exception of gay porn and John Carpenter's The Thing, should have female only casts, but that's just the way I was raised.

If it sounds like I'm implying that there are other lezdom relationships being carried out in this film's estrogen rich universe, that's because I am.

As a carpenter (Fatma Mohamed), one who specializes in making custom-made bondage furniture, is telling Evelyn about the ins and outs of her new bed (one that confines one of the users in a box), she mentions making a similar bed for a woman who lives nearby. When the carpenter said this, I let out a mild chuckle. Then I came to the realization that everyone in this film was either in or striving to be in a lezdom relationship.

You know the expression: Who's wearing the pants in this relationship? Well, in The Duke of Burgundy, it goes more something like this: Who's wearing the seamed tan pantyhose in this relationship. To the layman, it's evident that Cynthia is the one wearing the seamed tan pantyhose in this relationship, as witnessed by the jet black seams currently tearing up the back of her tan pantyhose adorned legs.

However, as it's hinted at later on in the film, it would seem that Evelyn is the one who purchased the seamed tan pantyhose. Which begs the question? Who's dominating who?

Have I mentioned that this film is lush as all get out? I haven't? That's weird. Well, it's lush, all right. In fact, it's so lush... (Don't tell me, you listened to the band Lush after the movie was over.) While the manner in which you interrupted me was a tad on the dickish side, you're absolutely right, I popped on some Lush, Gala-era Lush, to be unnecessarily specific.

Which is actually ironic, because the film's lushness is on full display during the opening credits. What's that? Why is it ironic. Oh, because the lush visuals are accompanied by the dreamy music of Cat's Eyes, who sound like they belong on 4AD. And, as most people know, 4AD was Lush's record label.

After watching Evelyn ride her bike during the lush opening credits, she finally arrives at Cynthia's house. Judging by the way Cynthia starts ordering Evelyn around, it would seem that... Would you look at that, the seams on Cynthia's tan pantyhose are blacker than I initially thought. Amazing. And check this out, her skirt has a mild slit in the back. Wonderful.

Huh? Oh, yeah, it would seem that Evelyn works for Cynthia. But as I implied earlier, nothing in this film, even the seams on Cynthia's tan pantyhose, is as it seems. Get it, seems, seams. Aren't homonyms fun?

Anyway, I didn't expect a pair of unwashed panties to be the catalyst for Cynthia to pee in Evelyn's mouth. While we don't exactly see Cynthia do this (the bathroom door is closed), she is shown drinking a lot of water beforehand (in order for a human to discharge urine, they first must ingest a liquid of some kind). Meaning, I think the panties were unwashed on purpose. Which means everything we have witnessed so far is an elaborate form of lezdom foreplay.

This "elaborate form is lezdom foreplay" isn't just reserved for every other Tuesday. No, this is something they do everyday. The only break they seem to get is when they attend female only Lepidopterology seminars. (Lepi-what?) You know, Lepidoptera, moths and butterflies. Truth be told, I don't even think "Tuesday" exists in this film's universe. Which is a good thing, as I'm not a fan of films that insist of having times, dates, countries, flags, money, cars and men. All they do distract us from what is important. (Which is?) Duh, golden showers, face-sitting, bike riding, boot polishing, nylons, seams, slits, heels, cunnilingus, moths, butterflies and... Monica Swinn.

(Wait. Did you say, Monica Swinn?) Yeah, so. (Monica Swinn. The actress who appeared in countless Jess Franco movies during the mid-1970s?) Yeah, that's her. (Just checking.) What I liked about Monica Swinn's surprise return to the silver screen is that it seems designed purely to delight Jess Franco fans. I mean, who else is going to appreciate this? Don't believe me. Well, her character's name is "Lorna," as in, Lorna The Exorcist. 'Nuff said.

Actually, there is an increment of time mentioned in this film. Eight weeks. The amount of time it will take Fatma Mohamed's "The Carpenter" to finish the confinement bed that Evelyn desperately wants. Unfortunately, Evelyn was hoping to get her custom made confinement bed for her birthday (which is in two weeks). There's talk of getting a human toilet instead, but you can tell that Evelyn has her heart set on getting a confinement bed.

The look on Evelyn's face when "The Carpenter" says, "Would a human toilet be a suitable compromise"? speaks volumes, as it's clear to everyone that she wants to sleep in a box underneath Cynthia.

The whole sequence with "The Carpenter," if you couldn't tell already, is fantastic. My favourite moment is when "The Carpenter" can't remember the name of the woman she made a confinement bed for who lives down the road, yet she remembers that her house had a wisteria porch and a yellow colonnade.

In a weird twist, Cynthia hurts her back while lifting a box into her bedroom for Evelyn to sleep in in the meantime. With Cynthia not being able to carry out her lezdom duties with her usual pep, Evelyn starts to eyeball the boots of another milfy moth and butterfly enthusiast.

I don't know 'bout you, but I'm hoping these two kooky kids can work things out. Granted, polishing another woman's boots might not seem like a big deal, but to them, it's worse than catching your girlfriend scissoring with another woman in a kiddie pool filled with grape jelly behind a non-existent Jiffy Lube. However, once you expel pee-pee into another person's mouth, you and that person share a bond that is greater than the universe itself. In other words, everything is going to be fine.

Call me crazy, but I think The Duke of Burgundy is the best film of 2014. Hold on, let me quickly check something... Okay, I'm back. Other than maybe The Guest, I don't see anything else that comes close to topping The Duke of Burgundy. I missed the Oscars this past year, but I'm gonna go ahead and assume that it must have won a shitload of trophies. The acting, the art direction, the dialogue, the costumes, the music, they all deserve to win awards. I know I could check the results, but I'd rather remain in the dark. No, as far as I'm concerned, The Duke of Burgundy is the best film of 2014.

Exorcism (Jess Franco, 1975)

This has to be some sort of world record. Maybe someone who has seen more Jess Franco films than I have can enlighten me, but this particular movie has Lina Romay's outstretched vagina onscreen in glorious colour in record time. I mean, the film starts... and... Boom! We have Lina Romay's outstretched vagina onscreen. Oh, and in case you're wondering, the reason I attached the word "outstretched" to Lina Romay's vagina is because her vagina seems to be leaning forward. It's almost as if it craves attention. Keeping with the record theme, I think this film, which, by the way, is called Exorcism (a.k.a. L'éventreur de Notre-Dame), has the record for the fastest appearance of Jess Franco regular Monica Swinn, one of the most alluring actresses to grace the Jess Franco universe. Get this, we get Monica Swinn in just over a minute. I know, you're thinking to yourself: But Monica Swinn's bedroom sadist character doesn't appear until much later in the film. Yeah, but you're forgetting that I'm an expert when it comes to spotting Monica Swinn in Jess Franco movies. If you look closely, you'll spot Monica Swinn's luminous visage in the audience during the film's first black mass sequence.

Watching Lina Romay's bound organic structure getting whipped by Nadine Pascal (credited here as "Lynn Monteil"), Monica Swinn stares at the mock cruelty transpiring before her with a Euro-tinged sense of alabaster wonder.

You also see her sitting in the audience during the film's second black mass sequence (unfortunately, she doesn't get a close up this time around).

Her third appearance takes place at a post-black mass orgy, where all the attendees writhe around with one another on the floor. In typical Monica Swinn fashion, she manages to upstage everyone by choosing to wear white leather stockings with one of the most complicated garter systems I've ever encountered. Again, I'm sad to report, we don't get a close up of her during the orgy scene. Well, not a close up that didn't have some guy's hairy, lumpy butt in the frame as well. Come on, all you degenerate old farts at the post-black mass orgy, I'm trying bask in Monica Swinn's not-so delicate beauty over here. So, would you mind getting your tired-looking asses out of my face? Thanks.

What's that? You want me to tell you more about this so-called complicated garter system that Monica Swinn was operating? Oh, don't worry, I will in a minute, as she wears the same garter system in her forth and final scene, too. It's just that I don't want this review to turn into an episode of Where in the World Is Monica Swinn? In other words, I like would to explore every nook and cranny this motion picture has to offer. And believe me, this film has plenty of nooks and crannies.

Oh, and when I say, "nooks and crannies," I'm talking about vaginas.

Here's an amazing statistic for you: There are a total of six actresses in this movie with speaking parts, and all six expose their lady parts at some point over the course of this film. Meaning, Jess Franco's Exorcism is, no matter what I say, worth watching.

However, was there ever any doubt? I mean, Jess Franco plays a sadomasochistic defrocked priest who stabs women to death he thinks are possessed by The Devil. And if that wasn't enough, he writes erotic essays for a magazine called, Dagger and Garter Weekly. See what I mean? Ahhh! That's too good to be true. Dagger and Garter Weekly!!!

Okay, let's get things back on track by starting at the beginning. Opening on a shot of Anne (Lina Romay, credited here as "Rosa Almirall") strapped sort of naked (she's wearing skintight knee-high black boots) to an x-shaped crucifix. Suddenly, a tall woman with short blonde hair enters the room. Wearing boots, a belt, leather bracelets and a black collar, Rose (Nadine Pascal) begins to whip Anne. It's at this moment we realize that they're performing before a live audience.

When she's done whipping her, the tall blonde with the big bum (the belt around her waist clings to her buttocks for dear life) kills a dove and begins to smear its blood all over her body. When she decides that she's smeared enough, she then smears what's left all over the lash-marked brunette, who cries of agony periodically fill the air of the musty, dungeon-like performance space.

Whips, chains, vaginas, big booties and dove blood, as far as opening scenes go, you can't get any better than this. Imagine how much simpler life would be if every film opened like this. Anyway, the tall blonde stabs the regular-size brunette with a knife.

After taking a bow, and, no doubt, washing the dove blood that has started to congeal in her nooks and crannies (i.e. her vagina and vagina), we see Anne at the office of Venus Publications. (Don't tell me, they produce Dagger and Garter Weekly?) Yep, they sure do. (Awesome. Carry on.) Hanging out with Venus head honcho, Pierre de Franval (Pierre Taylou), Anne apparently works there as a... I'm not sure. It doesn't matter, as look who just walked in. Why, it's Jess Franco.

Playing Mathis Vogel, Jess Franco is a freelance writer who has just finished an essay for an upcoming issue called "Torture Chambers of the Inquisition."

Now, I don't know what motivated him to do this, but Vogel pretends to shut the door and begins to eavesdrop on Anne and Pierre's conversation. After making a couple of playful jabs at his expense, Anne and Pierre start talking about staging another black mass. While it's obvious to any normal human being that they're joking about it being a real black mass, Vogel is a being who is anything but normal.

As Anne, Rose and Pierre make plans for their next black mass show, plans that involve a bartender named Martine (Catherine Lafferière), Vogel rents an apartment across the street from where Anne and Rose live.

You could say, Vogel rented the apartment across from Anne and Rose to keep tabs on their black mass activities. You could also say, Vogel wants to see Rose prance about in black pantyhose. Either way, he's doing a bit of both, as he keeps tabs on Anne and Rose, and, watches Rose prance about in black pantyhose. Defrocked priests with severe mental problems are renowned for their ability to multitask in a pinch.

What's that? What was Lina Romay doing as Nadine Pascal gave us a bird's-eye view of her wonderfully thick lower half encased in black pantyhose? What do you think she was doing? She was waving her cunt around with reckless abandon. Duh.

If you look carefully, you'll notice that one of Nadine Pascal's earrings goes flying off when she removes her top. Like a true professional, Nadine plays it cool and continues on with the scene like nothing happened (even though it's clear that she knew one of her earrings went flying off while she disrobed).

Picking up a "whore" at a local bar, Vogel takes her home and prepares to exorcise her demons. After grilling the woman (played by Caroline Rivière, I think) about the black masses that take place in the neighbourhood at knife point, Vogel chains her against a mirror and then stabs her to death.

Taking what he learned from the dead whore with the great face, Vogel starts lurking around those in the fake black mass community. And, after getting a sense of this community via lurking, he begins picking them off one by one.  This alerts the attention of a police detective named Inspector Tanner (Olivier Mathot) and his fresh-faced partner Malou (Roger Germanes); the latter figures out the case almost instantly, but Tanner dismisses his theory as nonsense.

My favourite of Vogel's many confrontations with the members of the fake black mass community is when he visits Monica Swinn's Maria Theresa, a sexy sadist for hire.

However, it's the scene before Vogel confronts Monica Swinn that actually had me all in a tizzy.

Lying on her bed in a long black dress with black stockings, Monica Swinn is approached by an old man who is, according to Monica, a dirty pig, a vicious old sadist, a disgusting little lecher, a homosexual, a leper's sore, a swine, a shit-eater and a degenerate.

As she's telling the old man these things, he's busy kissing her black stocking covered knees. "You make me want to vomit... I hate you!" she shouts at him as she orders him to remove his clothes.

Even though he only managed to partially open her dress, we can clearly see that Monica Swinn is employing a complicated garter system to hold up her black stockings. Careening across her pale skin like spider-webs, this garter system, as I said earlier, is unlike anything I've ever seen before.

Straddling the naked old man with the full-force of her sinewy undercarriage, Monica Swinn rides his withered cock while hurling insults at him at a rapid rate of speed.

Dying like she lived, with her ass in the air, Monica Swinn gives her most satisfying performance in a Jess Franco film yet. Don't get me wrong, her turn as the cruel warden in Barbed Wire Dolls is classic Swinn. It's just that her work in Exorcism solidifies her status as the Euro sex goddess she really is.

Not to be out done in the solidifying department, but I think Exorcism features Jess Franco's finest performance as an actor. Whether lurking in the shadows or stabbing naked chicks in the stomach, Franco is brilliant as the defrocked priest/freelance writer for Dagger and Garter Weekly/serial killer. Seriously, I can't picture any other actor dragging an unconscious, scantily clad Lina Romay across the city without anyone noticing. At any rate, if you purchase/rent the newish DVD from Redemption, you'll get Demoniac, a short, more horror-centric version of Exorcism. Personally, I would avoid this version, as it omits the Monica Swinn scene with the "disgusting little lecher," and features zero vagina shots.

Female Vampire (Jess Franco, 1973)

Just as she's about to leave her place of residence, deep in the mist-laden forests of Madeira, to search for sperm and vaginal secretion-based sustenance, Countess Irina of Karlstein does a quick wardrobe check. Giving her body a good once over, she can't help but notice that her long black cape isn't going to provide the dark and foreboding confines of her pound-worthy pussy and her ample grope-friendly breasts the amount of coverage they need in today's cunt and titty averse universe. About to go back into the house to fetch a bra and a pair of panties, Irina stops for a second and thinks to herself: With my lady bits and my tits out in the open like they are at the moment, the people I run into won't misinterpret my intentions. In other words, my organic structure is open for business, feel free to savour its delicious contours at your leisure. Sure, some of these so-called "people" might be perplexed at first by the sight of a shapely woman, who is bumpy in all the right places, sauntering around the woods with her twat and boobs exposed. However, those who possess genitals that are fully operational will be tickled pink to see her. Of course, a good portion of them have been conditioned to fear female sex organs since birth, even women, so don't be surprised if some of them are a tad standoffish by the sight of such wanton exhibitionism.

Wearing nothing but a long black cape, a pair of skin-tight knee-high patent leather boots and a black belt, Countess Irina of Karlstein (Lina Romay) slowly emerges from the mist with one thought and one thought only on her mind. And that is, companionship. Only problem is, she's a vampire, a Female Vampire.

Meaning, she can't help but kill those she copulates with. Whether they be men or whether they be women, she needs to feed on their orgasm in order to survive. Writhing on her bed helps abate her insatiable hunger for fluids of a sexual nature, but sooner or later she must plunge her face into the crotch of a total stranger to reap the moist rewards.

When Lina Romay emerges from the mist in the opening scene, did anyone else mistake her dark patch of pubic hair for a pair of black panties? For a minute there I totally thought she was wearing panties. But then it dawned me: Lina Romay + Panties? That is one equation that does not add the fuck up. Nonetheless, I consider pubic hair to be nature's panties, so, in away, she was wearing panties, just not the type you're accustomed to. Not to sound like a nudist, but societies obsession with covering things (i.e. vaginas) that already come with their own built-in cover is misguided and sad. It's my dream to launch a women's clothing line that features ensembles that cover everything except the vagina.

Oh, and before you start accusing me of being some sort of vagina-obsessed reprobate, please keep in mind that I just watched a ninety minute movie that has Lina Romay's unclad lady box being thrust in my face in almost every scene.

Did I mention the scene where Lina Romay's Countess Irina of Karlstein slowly emerges from the mist? I did, eh? How 'bout the skin-tight knee-high patent leather boots? You don't say. Hmm. I know what I didn't mention, the music by Daniel White, specifically the theme from Female Vampire. It's so freaking haunting. And in typical Jess Franco fashion, the theme becomes its own character after awhile, as variations of it are repeated throughout the film.

After Jess's camera has finished devouring Lina's supple frame, she walks up to a man who tending some sort of bird farm and... What's that? You say it's called a "menagerie." Whatever, this guy gets a blow job from Countess Irina against a bird fence. What's that? You say it's called "chicken wire." Screw you, man.

As Irina consumes his orgasm, the man let's out a loud scream. In fact, it's so loud, that Baron Von Rathony (Jack Taylor) hears it miles away.

Even though we never see her speak, Irina does occasionally provide some back story about her unique plight via narration (mwah, being a vampire is not all it's cracked up to be, etc.). And when these instances occur, the only thing we see onscreen is the vampire bat hood ornament flapping away on the hood of her limousine.

Agreeing to give an interview with a reporter named Anna (Anna Watican), we learn even more about Countess Irina (she answers her questions by nodding her head for yes and shaking it for no). She's apparently the last of her kind and lives alone in the mountains.

Feeling somewhat peckish, Irina instructs her manservant (Luis Barboo) to bring the hotel's masseur (Raymond Hardy) to her room. Lying on her bed in a manner that accentuates her pussy, Irina uses her clitoris to entice the masseur to come to her. As she expected, the masseur agrees to have sex with her. Little does he know, however, the orgasm he experiences on this day will be his last. Though, I gotta say, if you gotta go, what better way to do so than to have an attractive female vampire eat your orgasm.

There's supposedly a police investigation underway (the bodies are starting pile up at the Madeira morgue), but they have no clue what's going on. The medical examiner, Dr. Roberts (Jess Franco), tries tell the inspector in charge of the case that a vampire with a taste for spunk-based spillage is the culprit, but he dismisses his findings as pure poppycock.

What Jack Taylor's character is up to still unclear, but he's obviously drawn to Countess Irina. Until the actual scene where he meets Irina face-to-face, Jack spends most of the movie looking up at the sky (he's keeping an eye out for Irina, as she tends to fly by every now and then).

The blind Dr. Orloff (Jean-Pierre Bouyxou), like Dr. Roberts, is well aware of what's going on the island. His best scene is when he grabs a handful of Monica Swinn's pussy (in the interest of science, of course). That's right, you're not seeing things. The gorgeous Monica Swinn is in this movie. Out of all the actresses who have appeared in Jess Franco movies over the years, Monica Swinn (a.k.a. Monika Swuine) is definitely in the top five in terms of sex appeal. And she does not disappoint in that regard in Female Vampire.

Playing... what does it say here, "Princess de Rochefort"? I don't remember hearing her called that name once during the movie. At any rate, playing Princess de Rochefort, Monica is playing chess with her servant (Alice Arno), when Countess Irina walks in and helps her defeat the servant.

Escorting Irina to her private sadomasochism dungeon, Princess de Rochefort instructs her servant to remove Irina's clothing. If you look closely, you can see that Lina Romay is wearing black hold up stockings. The fact I had to "look closely" was very frustrating, as black hold up stockings in Jess Franco movies should always be easy to see.

After being whipped by... Oh, wait. I love it when Monica Swinn says, "Her skin is so silky smooth... I can't bear to touch it," while feeling up Lina against the dungeon wall. After being whipped by Alice Arno for a couple of minutes, Irina manages to turn the tables on Princess de Rochefort, who finds herself the one being whipped (she uses her vampire mind control powers on Alice Arno).

Crashing to the floor as the result of a punch to the gut, Monica Swinn is swarmed by Alice Arno and Lina Romay, who proceed to grope and lick her (we still don't get a proper shot of Lina's hold up stockings). On the other hand, as they're doing this, we get some great shots of Monica's stems in black fishnet stockings and her extremely hairy pussy (I dug the way her panties had trouble containing the wild nature of her unruly pubic hair).

I would say that Female Vampire is the perfect starting off point for people who are thinking about using/getting into the cinema of Jess Franco, as it contains all the right ingredients. Well, at least it contains all the ingredients I look for in a Jess Franco movie. Lesbianism, the occult, stockings, an exotic location, sadomasochism, Monica Swinn, a haunting score, lot's of close up shots of vaginas, knee-high boots, and an eerie atmosphere.