Doctor Detroit (Michael Pressman, 1983)

Awash with the kind of politically incorrect humour that would most likely get you banished from today's overly sensitive outrage-verse, Doctor Detroit was originally intended to amuse the people of the 1980s (blue collar slobs, closeted white supremacists, unaware yuppies, middle-class geeks and shiftless wastoids and dweebies). In other words, why would anyone in their right mind watch it now? I have two words for you, and I think you all know what I'm about to say: Fran Drescher! I was thinking about faking you out by saying, oh, something like, Nan Martin. Who, don't get me wrong, is hilarious, and, not to mention, pretty hot, for an "old chick." But let's get real, there's only one reason to watch this completely asinine tale about a dorky English professor who gets coned into becoming a cyborg pimp named... "Doctor Detroit," by a high class Chicago pimp (Dr. Johnny Fever himself), and that reason is, to bask in the otherworldly beauty that is Fran Meshuggahumpin' Drescher. Though, to be fair to the film itself,  the opening credits sequence, the one that features a spry Dan Aykroyd power walking across town while Devo's "Theme from Doctor Detroit" blasts on the soundtrack, is kind of amazing. Who am I kidding? It's lots of amazing. I don't know, there's something about the sight of Dan Aykroyd walking really, really fast in red short shorts to the sound of Devo that brings me a shitload of joy.

Now, normally I would say something like this: Well, things can only go downhill from here. And, yes, while it's true, things do go downhill. The prospect that I will get to see Fran Drescher (UHF) tarting it up as Karen Blittstein, the slinkiest, leggiest whore this side of Archer Avenue, allowed me traverse this film's idiotic landscape with a buttery, Cumberbatchian ease.

That being said, I seriously have to question the logic of not sheathing Fran Drescher's womanly curves in a dress that boasted a slit during the Players Ball sequence. And if that's the case, how do you expect Fran's floozy character to shimmy without a slit? (The Players Ball, in case you don't know, is an annual event where pimps and their hos alike get to strut their stuff in front of their peers.)

I mean, Jasmine Wu (Lydia Lei, Vice Squad), the Asian one (I love how she uses a fake Engrish accent when speaking to men), Thelma Carter (Lynn Whitfield), the black one, and Monica McNeil (Donna Dixon), the blonde one, all get slits. What gives, Doctor Detroit?

Oh, and please don't make me play the anti-semitism card, as I don't want this review to become a scathing indictment of Hollywood discrimination (Jews can never seem to catch a break in the movie business). But I couldn't help but think that's what was happening as I watched Fran Drescher struggle to bust-a-move in her slitless gown. It's more tragic than anything else.

Did I let the fact that Fran Drescher's dress had no slit ruin my enjoyment of an otherwise harmless piece of filmed entertainment. Of course not, as the film provided no real enjoyment in the first place.

Just kidding, it's not that bad. The montage where Howard Hesseman's "Smooth Walker," and the aforementioned foursome of high-end escorts (a walking, talking Benetton Ad in heels), take a nerdy comparative literature professor named Clifford Skridlow (Dan Aykroyd) out to every nightclub in Chicago, for example, is teeming with righteous energy. If only the entire film could have maintained that "righteous energy" from start to finish. Oh, well.

I think the biggest problem is Doctor Detroit himself. The quality of the film seemed  to take a nosedive the moment Clifford Skridlow becomes Doctor Detroit. Seriously, I don't know what they were thinking when they came up with the Doctor Detroit's voice, as it's beyond irritating.

The reason the mild-mannered Clifford Skridlow becomes über-pimp Doctor Detroit is a convoluted as you might expect. To deflect attention away from his own pimp-related problems, Smooth tells Mom (Kate Murtagh), a powerful pimp who rules Chicago's criminal underworld with an iron fist, that a pimp named "Doctor Detroit" is taking over her turf. And since Doctor Detroit doesn't really exist, Smooth convinces Clifford Skridlow to play the part.

First noticing him while he was out power walking to Devo, Smooth runs into Clifford Skridlow later that day while dining at an Indian restaurant. Using Fran Drescher and the other three ladies as bait, Smooth manages to win over Cliff over. It also didn't hurt that Smooth drowns Cliff's nervous system in drugs and alcohol.

After his crazy night is over, Cliff goes back to work at Monroe College. Little does he know, but Cliff's a pimp now. He even has a limo driver, played by T.K. Carter (The Thing), and access to a vulgar penthouse filled with utterly tasteless furnishings.

Even though Fran Drescher's legs are visible multiple times over the course of the film, Dan Aykroyd's legs are mentioned at least four times. As you might expect, this annoyed me like you wouldn't believe. Granted, it wasn't as annoying as the whole slit debacle during the Players Ball sequence, but it still irked me.

Did anyone else find it mildly interesting that Smooth refers to Mom's minions as the "Yul Brynner clones" and as a "cue-ball convention" at one point? The only reason I ask is because society viewed male baldness differently thirty years ago. Nowadays, you see men with shaved heads almost everywhere and no one seems to care. But back in 1983, it was still pretty rare. In fact, in some circles, male baldness was met with open hostility. Simply put, if you weren't a Buddhist monk or Yul Brynner/Telly Savalas you and your hairless dome were viewed with suspicion.

What the? Why am I talking about male baldness when I could be blathering on and on about Fran Drescher's wicked organic structure? Bizarre. Truly bizarre. Anyway, take special note of Clifford's dream sequence, as it's your best opportunity to see Fran Drescher in sexy lingerie in the entire film. Unfortunately, the camera doesn't linger on Fran's stocking encased gams for all that long, so you might have to pause the video to get the full effect. Which is a shame, because Frannies shouldn't have to resort to such flapdoodle to get an eyeful of Fran.

In a surprise twist, Lynn Whitfield gets a nice stocking-related close-up near the end of the film. Of course, you might miss it, as it takes place as T.K. Carter and Fran Drescher are on-screen (since actor Howard Hesseman collected his check and got the hell out of there, T.K. and Fran are saddled with doing the majority of the heavy-lifting, comedy-wise... which makes sense, as they're both talented comedians). At any rate, if you look at the left side of the screen, you will notice that Lynn is sheepishly putting her stockings on. I can't believe I almost missed this.

In closing, Doctor Detroit doesn't really deserve the amount of attention I've given it. If you're fan of Fran Drescher or even Dan Aykroyd, I guess you should watch it. On the other hand, you''re probably better off just watching Jekyl and Hyde... Together Again, as it as way funnier and way more politically incorrect.

Oh, and why is Glenne Headly (Making Mr. Right) listed in the credits as "Miss Debbylike"? She has no dialogue and she's only on-screen for a few seconds. I'm thinking there must have been a subplot involving Dan Aykroyd and one of his students, and it was obviously cut out of the movie.

UHF (Jay Levey, 1989)

Watch out Rambo, Indiana Jones and 1980s-era Dire Straits, Weird Al Yanković is about to mock your ass with extreme prejudice in the mildly amusing UHF, the Fran Drescher film with not as much Fran Drescher as I would have liked. Don't you just hate it when that happens? No, not when 1980s-era Dire Straits gets made fun of by Weird Al Yanković. I'm talking about when you sit down to watch a Fran Drescher movie, but what you get instead is a Victoria Jackson movie. Granted, Victoria Jackson isn't in this film all that much either. However, as most sane people will tell you, any time screen time is taken away from the never not adorable Fran Drescher, Yum-Yum gets angry. Oh, and, yes, you're not seeing things, Victoria Jackson is the female lead. I know, who in their right mind would cast Victoria Jackson in anything, let alone the lead in a major motion picture? This is Orion Pictures (Desperately Seeking Susan and Making Mr. Right) we're talking about, not some dinky ass TV show on public access. At any rate, think about all the people who could have played Weird Al's girlfriend instead. Personally, I would have gone with Julie Brown or Judy Tenuta, as they're both... well, they're both awesome. But in reality, just about anyone would have been a better choice. I know that's a harsh thing to say, but Miss Jackson is about as interesting as a shoddily upholstered chair that only comes in beige.

On the bright side, we do get four separate and distinct Fran Drescher outfits in this movie. Yeah, yeah, we get at least five separate and distinct Fran Drescher outfits in your average episode of The Nanny. But I'll take whatever I can get, Fran Drescher outfit-wise.

Of course, I realize that back in 1989, when this film came out, it wasn't promoted as the film to see that summer for fans of Fran Drescher's unique sense of fashion. But this isn't 1989, is it? No, it isn't. Which means if I want to judge the film strictly from a Fran Drescher-related point of view, I'm going to. Who's going to stop me? Exactly. Nobody.

In fact, Fran Drescher is all I could think about, as I watched a fake commercial for Spatula City, a store that only sells spatulas, and a post-Fridays Michael Richards blast children in the face with a fire hose. Actually, this applies to my everyday as well, as Fran Drescher is never far from my mind. Can you believe that I don't own the complete series of The Nanny on DVD? What the hell is wrong with me? Don't answer that, by the way, it's one of them rhetorical question thingies.

If the idea of Michael Richards blasting children in the face with a fire hose sounds sexual to you, then I'm afraid you ain't hooked up right. Believe or not, I'm talking about an actual fire hose. And get this, it's the reward you get for finding a marble in a kiddie pool filled with oatmeal on Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse, a re-tooled version of Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse, a kids show on Channel 62, a struggling UHF television station.

 

Well, I should say, formerly struggling UHF television station. You see, when George Newman (Weird Al Yanković) and his friend Bob (David Bowe) take over Channel 62, it's in shambles. But that all changes when... Well, um, actually, it's not all that bad. I mean, look who's working at the front desk... (Let me guess, is it Fran Drescher?) Careful, man. I'm not digging your derisive tone. But, yeah, it's Fran Drescher.

Playing the delightfully named Pamela Finklestein, Fran Drescher openly complains to George and Bob upon their arrival about the lack of advancement at this TV station (she figures, since she's worked there for two years, that she should be the station's lead roving reporter by now).

I'm not sure about this, but the way the camera would focus on George and Bob's stunned faces every now and then as they listened to Pamela whine about her lack of advancement seems to imply that Fran Drescher's voice is annoying. They, co-writer and director Jay Levey and co-writer Weird Al Yanković, wouldn't do that, would they? Nah, they wouldn't do that. Even if they did, so what? She has the voice of an angel.

I don't mean to alarm any Frannies... What? No good? How 'bout Dreschers? Franophiles? No, Frannies is the way to go. As I was saying, I don't mean to alarm any Frannies (fans of actress Fran Drescher) out there, but Fran Drescher doesn't appear in UHF (a.k.a., believe it or not, "The Vidiot from UHF") until the sixteen minute mark. Of course, any true Franny worth their weight in gourmet mustard would already know that.

In the meantime, we have to endure a steady barrage of lame sight gags. I will say this, I did make a laughing sound when George Newman drops a dog in the punch bowl at a party. He just drops it... in the punch bowl. Classic.

The reason he drops the dog in the punch bowl is because his Uncle Harvey (Stanley Brock) and Aunt Esther (Sue Ane Langdon) have some good news for him. Well, I don't know if it's good news. Nevertheless, Uncle Harvey is going to let George run the rundown television station he just won in a poker game.

After checking out the place, and meeting Philo (Anthony Geary), the station's eccentric chief engineer, George, along with his pal Bob, set about turning around Channel 62's fortunes.

And... we have Fran Drescher! What a relief.

While the scene where George hand delivers a package that was supposed to go to Channel 8, a network affiliate, seems pointless at first. It does set the stage for the meeting between George Newman and Stanley Spadowski (Michael Richards), the second most important character in the UHF universe. Do I have to say who the most important character is? I didn't think so.

On top of establishing that the owner of Channel 8, R.J. Fletcher (Kevin McCarthy), is a dick (he thinks people like Stanley Spadowski should be put to sleep), and that Stanely Spadowski loves mops, the scene shows that treating people shabbily can have unforeseen circumstantial consequences. Fired as the Channel 8 janitor for misplacing a file he didn't misplace, Stanley Spadowski ends up working as Channel 62's janitor. Which sets the stage for Channel 8's downfall.

I know, you're thinking to yourself: How can a slightly retarded janitor with an unhealthy obsession with mops bring down the number one television station in the city? It's simple, really. After being dumped by his girlfriend Teri (Victoria Jackson), he stood her up on her birthday, George is too depressed to perform as Uncle Nutzy on Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse (a demented kids show). As he's heading out to a local bar with Bob to drink his troubles away (one blueberry daiquiri, please), he suggests that Stanley Spadowski finish the rest of the show.

To everyone's surprise, Stanley Spadowski is quite the performer, and the show, now obviously titled, Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse, becomes a smash hit. Brimming with confidence, this new-found success causes George to create more hits shows, such as: Wheel of Fish (hosted by the hilarious Gedde Watanabe... "Stupid! You're so stupid!") and Raul's Wild Kingdom (an animal show hosted by Trinidad Silva from his apartment... "We don't need no stinkin' badgers!").

Getting back to Fran Drescher for a second. Unless Fran Drescher's character is dating Noodles the cameraman (Billy Barty) behind everyone's back, why doesn't George ask her out? With Teri now out of the picture, this is the perfect time for him to make play for Fran Drescher. If I had to point out one major flaw in UHF, it would have to be George's taste in women. Granted, some people will tell that Fran Drescher and Victoria Jackson are equally annoying. But you can't sit there and tell me with a straight face that you would rather hook up with Victoria Jackson over Fran Drescher. Of course you can't.

When word gets around that Channel 62 is now number one in the ratings (thanks to shows like, Strip Solitaire and Bowling For Burgers), Channel 8's R.J. Fletcher plans to put Channel 62 out of commission once and for all. The fact that  R.J. Fletcher didn't laugh maniacally when he hatches his plan seemed out character. Anyway, will George Newman and his plucky band of boob-tube troublemakers be able to resist the corporate shenanigans of Channel 8? Probably.

For the best results, make sure to watch UHF alongside Tapeheads, as these films are like kindred spirits. Colourful films that satirize and/or ridicule pop culture from the late 1980s, these movies are your best bets for understanding the spirit/mood of that particular period of history. In order to make it a trilogy (why watch two films when you can watch three?), I'd throw Earth Girls Are Easy in there as well. Yeah, why not? And unlike UHF and Tapeheads, Earth Girls Are Easy had the sense to cast Julie Brown (though, to be fair, she did write that movie). Seriously, though, what were you thinking, Weird Al? No Julie Brown?!? Unacceptable!