The Taming of Rebecca (Phil Prince, 1982)

Nowadays, your average serial killer has to worry about the authorities poking around their hard drives looking for "unseemly" material after they're eventual arrested. But back in the 1980s, the authorities, after they kicked down the serial killer's door, would head straight for suspect's living room and start examining the contents of their VCR. And what do you think they found when they pressed play? That's right, the first thing they typically saw was a deranged George Payne, a.k.a. "The Dean of Discipline," screaming a blistering barrage of insults at a cowering Velvet Summers; who, of course, has a safety pin in their nipple. Hitting the eject button almost immediately, the authorities had just watched a scene from the infamous The Taming of Rebecca, an Avon Production directed by the equally infamous Phil Prince. While the scenario I just described might sound a tad far-fetched, I have read that this film was in fact found in the video cassette recorders of at least two serial killers when they were arrested. Knowing this going in gave the act of watching the film an added layer of danger. Sure, there are literally millions of people out there who watched this film who didn't turn out to be serial killers. But the fact that two did... well, you know, like I said, it gave the film... (An added layer of danger?) Yeah, that. But it gave it a certain cachet, too.

It also didn't hurt that the film itself features dirty anuses, rape caves, pissing on flaccid cocks, pissing on flaccid floors, the music of The Stray Cats, a man with a full head of hair, pussy fisting, father-daughter toilet incest, lightning bolt necklaces, knee socks, hot New York accents, spanking and whipping. I'm sorry, did I just include a man with a full head of hair as one of this film's selling points? Holy crap, I did. Now, granted, there are quite a few wonky selling points in that particular group, but a man with a full head of hair? What was I thinking?

Wait a minute, I just remembered why I included a man with a full head of hair as one of my selling points for this wonderfully fucked up movie. It's because George Payne's hair in The Taming of Rebecca is, with a doubt, the fullest head of a hair I've seen in a motion picture in decades.

I know, watching me go on and on about the hair sitting atop the head of a sadistic lunatic must seem strange, especially when you consider the fact the movie I'm talking about not only boasts a skinny headband-wearing Sharon Mitchell prancing around town in a short tartan skirt, but has a scene where the gorgeous Cheri Champagne sits on a bed with her legs crossed (her creamy thighs mashing against one another with a scintillating smoosh). That being said, don't judge me until you have seen his hair in action. And by "action," I mean, acts of cruelty and degradation.

To see George Payne cause others pain and suffering will bring a tear your eye. Oh, and not because he's forcing a safety pin through your nipple, but because he looks so good while doing so.

Just for the record, he doesn't actually force a safety pin through anyone's nipple in this movie. No, he forces someone else to do it for him. He might be a sick twist, but he ain't no monster.

Believe or not, George Payne's character isn't the only sick twist in this film. After jumping in her daddy's car, Rebecca (Sharon Mitchell) calls Miss Zorda (Stella Stevens), the, I'm gonna say, principal of a local school for sexually abused boys and girls, on a payphone and asks her if she can take refuge there.

When Rebecca arrives... Oh, and before she arrives, we're treated to the theme from Halloween. On top of that, I could have sworn I heard the music of either Cluster or Tangerine Dream as well.  Anyway, when she arrives... Oh, and before she arrives, we're treated to the sight of Sharon Mitchell walking down the street in her school uniform (a tartan skirt and white knee socks!). Yum.

Now, where was I? Ah, yes, when Rebecca arrives at the school, she tells Miss Zorda all about her troubled home life. What the fuck! Would you look how spacious that bathroom is. Mine's the size of a broom closet, yet this sick twist is living it up in a home with a giant bathroom. I mean, look at this guy, he's playing with his genitals on the toilet with his legs extended to their full capacity. In my bathroom, I can't even turn around without knocking over something and this guy's sitting on the toilet like he's Larry Craig. It's not fair.

Tired of playing with himself, Rebecca's daddy (David Christopher) calls for his daughter and tells her that he needs her to make her old man feel good. Hmm, I wonder what he means by that. Standing in the doorway in a pink nightie with white doily-like flourishes around the edges, Rebecca watches in horror as her daddy swings his floppy cock around like a deflated, floppy cock-shaped bag of day-old mucus .

In order to remedy the slack nature of his floppy cock, Rebecca's daddy instructs Rebecca to suck on it for an extended period of time.

After his floppy cock is not even close to being floppy anymore, Rebecca's daddy tells Rebecca to sit on it. Now, you're probably thinking to yourself: How is she supposed to sit on it? It doesn't look comfortable at all. Do you see that patch of hair between Rebecca's legs? Well, inside there is an opening. And believe me, when Rebecca's daddy's super-stiff cock gingerly slides into this opening, the comfort level he's about to experience is going to be insane.

In an unexpected twist, Rebecca's daddy then orders Rebecca to sit on his face. It's unexpected because cunnilingus isn't usually on the menu in these types of situations.

Told to get on all fours, Rebecca's daddy gives Rebecca's ass a good spanking. Oh, and get this, after each smack, Rebecca's daddy demands that she thank him for spanking her.

Finishing things up in the bathtub with some rough doggie-style action, Rebecca's daddy ejaculates a smidgeon of seminal fluid in the general direction of his daughter's face. The end. Oh, wait. It looks like Rebecca's daddy wants Rebecca do something else for him. Leaning back against the wall at the base of the tub, Rebecca's daddy tells Rebecca to, and I quote, "Pee all over my cock, daddy likes that."

A shocked Miss Zorda looks at Rebecca with an air of disgust and disbelief after she finishes giving her a sampling of what life is like at home.

Bringing Rebecca to meet the other "students," who are listening to The Stray Cats in the school's rec room (complete with a pool table and a David Bowie poster), Miss Zorda introduces her to Saundra (Velvet Summers), John (Ron Hudd), Barbara (Cheri Champagne), Bob (Jamie St. James), Cindy (Ambrosia Fox) and Paul (Tony Mansfield).

As the final introductions are being made, guess who walks in the room? Why, it's The Dean of Discipline himself, Dean Minindao (George "Shut the fuck up!!!!" Payne). Oh, man, you thought Rebecca's daddy was a sadistic piece of shit. Honey, you ain't seen nothing yet.

It's when Dean Minindao's secretary, Linda (Niko), is giving him "dictation" in his office that I really started to take notice of George Payne's beautiful mane of thick lustrous hair. What's his secret? Castor oil? Monkey cum? At any rate, the sex scene between Dean Minindao and Linda is actually quite tame as far as sex scenes go. No one yells dehumanizing obscenities at the top of their lungs, no one expels pee on anyone, and no one is related to one another. In other words, yawn. Just kidding, it was kinda refreshing to see two people simply fuck for a change.

"That Minindao... he's such a jerk-off. And Zorda... did you see her in the gym the other day? My god, that woman didn't have any underwear on. She's a real sleaze. She's going to get hers one of these days." And with that line, we're introduced to the gorgeousness that is Cheri Champagne's Barbara. I know, we were introduced to her during the rec room meet and greet, but this is the scene where Cheri Champagne does some of her best work. I mean, the way she says, "jerk-off," with her thick New York accent will cause your toes to curl.

Sitting on the bed in a yellow dress with her legs crossed, Barbara, and her friend, Cindy, start talking, or, I should say, tawking, about "The Cave." When Rebecca hears about "The Cave," a subterranean netherworld where Dean Minindao supposedly carries out more serious acts of punishment, she doesn't believe that it actually exists.

In order to become more enlightened, cave-wise, Rebecca calls in the guys. After briefly discussing The Cave, one of the guys... the one in the aviator shades... wait, two of the guys are wearing aviator shades... The skinny guy in the aviator shades suggests that they have an orgy. Without even giving the suggestion much thought, the gang are taking their clothes off to what sounds like Suicide.

Hopping to her feet, Barbara pulls her yellow dress off with quick hiking motion utilizing the cross-armed technique. As the dress goes swooshing past her mid-section, you'll notice that Barbara isn't wearing any panties. You know what that means, right? Yep, Barbara is a hypocrite. If you remember, Barbara calls Miss Zorda a sleaze for not wearing panties. And, as Barbara's cross-armed hiking motion just proved, she doesn't either.

Just as the skinny guy in the aviator shades is about to get up to his wrist in Barbara's vagina, Dean Minindao bursts into the room. Busted.

The first feel the brunt of Dean Minindao's wrath is Rebecca, who is whipped ("You like that? No? Good!!!") and raped in his office. But not before the line, "Don't ever stand behind me... ever!!!" is uttered; my personal favourite of his many outbursts. After that, it's John (the muscular guy in the aviator shades) and Saundra's turn, where Dean Minindao forces John to shove a safety pin through Saundra's nipple.

When we finally do enter The Cave, most people will either be too traumatized or too exhausted to carry on (even though the film is barely an hour long). However, the too outre for words performance given by George Payne is the real reason the stick with this movie. Seriously, the improvised bile that comes out of his mouth as he torments his victims is like listening to vile poetry being read by a coked up mental patient. "How so??? How so??? Don't fuck with me!!!" Ah, the unpleasantness of it all.

Desperate Women (Ned Morehead, 1985)

"Words all fail the magic prize. Nothing I can say when I'm in your thighs." This totally righteous passage from "Add It Up" by Violent Femmes–one of the most overplayed songs of the late 1980s and beyond–immediately springs to mind every time Taija Rae (nsfw) appears onscreen in Kim Christy's Desperate Women (a.k.a. Exzesse hinter Gittern), a women in prison with its hairy balls in the right place; and that place is slapping not-so gingerly against Sharon Mitchell's asshole as a direct result of some pretty pathetic pelvic thrusts. At any rate, getting back to Taija Rae and her robustly luscious thighs. I won't lie, I worship at the shapely altar of Taija Rae. Boasting an organic structure that contained more curves than a winding expressway, Taija was one of the few actresses in hardcore whose body had oomph; the others being: Lois Ayres (nsfw), Tanya Foxx (nsfw) and Shana McCullough (nsfw); when you mount them doggiestyle, there will be fleshy ripples. In fact, I'm so in tune with her body, I knew it was her just by looking at her stocking-ensnared ankles when they appear attached to a pair of pumps in the film's opening scene. Sure, her being the star of the film and all meant the chances  that they were her ankles were pretty good. But still, every inch of her mid-80s era body is tattooed on my brain. Oh, and the reason I say, "mid-80s era," is because she gradually lost her oomph as the 1980s progressed.

That being said, fans of Taija Rae when her body had oomph need not worry, as it's on full display in this movie. Though, not as much as I would have hoped. We'll get to that in a minute.

In the meantime, let's talk about what one needs to do to make the perfect women in prison film. Every women in prison film I've seen so far seems to be missing something. Even the best ones, I've noticed, could use a little something extra. And, with the exception of Bare Behind Bars, that exception usually involves a total lack of hardcore sex. As in, this women in prison film is doing a tremendous job scratching me where I itch, but I really could use some penetration shots right about now.

Okay, now, let's say you add these so-called "penetration shots" to your women in prison film. But what happens if you forget to add brutal violence and campy dialogue to the mix? Failing to include these key ingredients could severely hamper your attempt to make a successful women in prison flick.

Looking over the contents of Desperate Women, a man is stabbed, a woman is raped by two guards in the shower, and a pair of expensive pumps have their heels forcibly removed by a chick in a headband. In other words, it's got some violence. Not as much as I would normally like, but it's got some.

As for the campy dialogue. Well, you can forget about Taija Rae (who for some strange reason is credited as Taja Rea), as she's playing a naive reporter who desperately wants to retrieve the camera Aurora has stashed in her vagina (more on the hidden camera in a minute). Oh, and don't worry, the camera didn't have a telephoto lens. Anyway, naive reporters aren't known to exude camp.

Um, Sharon Mitchell talks with a Cuban accent. Campy! Cyndee Summers removes the heels from Taija Rae's shoes. I know, I already mentioned that, but you got to admit, that is some pretty campy ass shit.

And Tantala Ray fingers her... Hold up, I'm going have to stop myself for a minute. Tantala Ray?!? I'm sorry, I could have saved everyone a lot of time by just saying her name. What I mean is, when I posed the question: Does Desperate Women have campy dialogue? I should have just said: Tantala Ray, as this unruly hosebeast oozes camp from every pore.

She's so campy, Liberace would have taken one look at her and said: Honeychild, you need take it down a notch, mmm-mmm. (That sounds more like Little Richard, but I get your point.) I don't think you do. She's so campy, the women of Frank The Entertainer in a Basement Affair would have turned beet red with embarrassment at the sight her campy onslaught. (All right, we get it, she's the poster girl for campiness. And who in the right mind references Frank The Entertainer in a Basement Affair? I have this sudden urge to take a shower.)

Despite having camp appeal, mild violence and penetration shots, does Desperate Women succeed at being an effective slab of sleazy entertainment? Who's to say? Oh, wait, since I just watched the film, I guess I'm to say.

Well, the film, directed by Ned Morehead (hee hee), does have one of the best opening credits sequences ever. On top of the sight of Taija Rae's aforementioned ankles walking along a dark, smokey alleyway (just for the record, her feet do the actual walking, her ankles, while to integral the walking process, are just along for the ride), the opening credits feature black fishnet stockings, electro-friendly music throbbing on the soundtrack, fingerless gloves, and, most impressively, a mysterious figure wearing a bandana over his face, is spray painting the title of the film onto a large wall.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but Taija Rae's skirt is way too long. I know, its length is probably appropriate given her occupation, but it could have shorter. That's all I'm going to say about the matter.

While doing a story on prostitution, Angela stumbles upon a hooker named China Grove (Aurora) just as she's plunging a knife in the neck of some guy. Whether this "some guy" was a drug dealer, a pimp or both, it doesn't matter, China Grove (whose short new wave hair style reminded me of a jet black version of the one LeeAnne Baker sports in Necropolis) is none too pleased when she finds out that her impromptu alleyway homicide was caught on camera.

Just as China Grove is grabbing Angela's camera away from her, a cop (Buck Adams) shows up. As the cop instructs both of them to get up against the wall, you'll notice that China Grove inserts Angela's camera into her pussy.

Frisking them, the cop lifts up China Grove's short black skirt, revealing a small pale ass that's good enough to eat. Since China Grove doesn't seem to object to this action (not that she has a choice), the cop proceeds to cram his face into the darkish realm that lays beyond her pale ass cheeks.

You can pretty much guess where things go from here. Though, as the cop stuffing his cock in and out of China Grove's pussy, she looks at Angela (who is standing awkwardly to the side as they fuck) and informs her that her camera is located somewhere around her navel right about now.

Without the camera, Angela can't prove that she didn't have anything to do with the murder China Grove committed, so both she and China Grove are sent to Sing Song Prison.

"Now you listen up and listen good, you miserable bitch," and with that line, we're introduced Tantala Ray's Sheeba, the horniest, most foul prison guard this side of Tucson, Arizona.

Sent to her cell, Angela, who is now wearing a denim work shirt (with, thankfully, no pants), meets Carla (Sharon Mitchell), her Cuban cell mate. (Did you say, Cuban?) Yep, Sharon Mitchell speaks with a Cuban accent. Seriously, is there anything Sharon Mitchell can't do? (Yeah, speak with a Cuban accent.) C'mon, it's not that bad. Either way, she's wearing bright yellow socks, and tells Angela she's in prison for overdue library books (yeah, right).

In order to make her feel more at home, Carla instigates some top bunk lesbianism with Angela. As Carla and Angela are getting to know each other (oooh, they're scissoring one another), Sheeba watches from her post in a position that is conducive to fingering. This is a dream come true, two of my favourite fuck stars dyking out while Tantala Ray: "The Susan Tyrrell of Porn" masturbates from the sidelines.

It gets even better when a male guard named Bailey (Jay Serling) shows up and starts ramming his cock into Sheeba's well-worn cubbyhole. What pleased me the most about this scene was the fact that they keep showing these close up shots of Tantala Ray's face. Personally, I love Tantala's face, but I can see how others might not be down with its uniqueness. And, as everyone knows, anything that causes perverts to not be able to jerk off in the manner they're accustomed makes me happy.

It wouldn't be a women in prison without a shower scene, and it's here where we meet Tattoo (Cyndee Summers), the chick who runs shit in this joint.

When China Grow sits on the desk of the warden (Nick Random), it reminded me of the way Christina Whitaker sits on the warden's desk in The Naked Cage. In fact, there are a ton of similarities between these two films. A sweet and innocent woman is framed by a career criminal with short, jet black hair. The prison's lead male guard wears aviator shades. And... Okay, that's all I can come up with at the moment. But, believe me, they're similar.

The biggest disappointment for me came when I realized that Taija Rae will only be appearing in two sex scenes. Hell, even Tantala Ray and Nick Random get two sex scenes. Anyway, Taija's second sex scene involves doing it with the prison Chaplin (Robert Bullock) on one of them church benches. (You mean a pew?) Yeah, one of those thingies. Now, I don't know why Taija's character agrees to fuck the Chaplin (as it doesn't lead to much of anything plot advancement-wise), but we do get to see Taija Rae's oomph-laden body undulating as a direct result of sexual activity. The way the flesh on her stomach jiggled was amazing; and to make things even more amazing, if you look carefully, it appears as if her tummy creases are smiling.

In a bizarre twist, Angela's pumps, the one's we saw in the opening scene, are the key to solving her China Grove problem. I won't say how exactly they solve this particular problem. But let's just say, it's pretty out there as far as bizarre twists go.

Let's see, did I forget anything? Oh, the shower rape scene with Sharon Mitchell, Tantala Ray and John Sterling is the film's best... after the Taija and Sharon lesbo scene, of course. The film would have been much improved had Taija Rae been given more sex scenes (she should been in every scene, if you ask me), if all the characters had worn lingerie (stockings, garter belts, etc.), and had the producers hired more extras (the prison seems to be the home of no more than five maybe six women).