The Great Texas Dynamite Chase (Michael Pressman, 1976)

Not quite sure who wears the cut-off jean shorts in this here movie, I started to panic. Why, oh, why, I thought myself, why did I announce my plans to review "The Jean Short Trilogy" without making sure the third film features Claudia Jennings in cut-off jean shorts? I know, you're thinking to yourself: Why does Claudia Jennings have to wear cut-off jean shorts? After all, it's called "The Jean Short Trilogy," not "The Claudia Jennings in Jean Shorts... Trilogy." That's true, it's not. But I would really like there to be a consistent theme. And that theme involves Claudia Jennings in cut-off jean shorts. The reason I wasn't sure Claudia Jennings was the one who wears cut-off jean shorts in The Great Texas Dynamite Chase is because her co-star looks exactly like Claudia Jennings. Yep, you heard right, Jocelyn Jones is a dead ringer for Claudia Jennings. And since they both appear in almost every scene together, this caused much unnecessary confusion on my part. Oh, sure, I could tell them apart up close. But when things got a tad distant, I had no idea who was who. The only instance where looking alike seemed to pay off is when they pretend to be sisters. But other than that... Okay, they look similar, let's move on, shall we?

Unpredictable, volatile and highly persuasive. You could use these words to describe the explosives and the women who wield them in The Great Texas Dynamite Chase (a.k.a. Dynamite Women), a Roger Corman-produced action flick with heist and road movie elements that occasionally feels like a sex comedy with feminist undertones.

Actually, everything you need to know about the film can be found in its straightforward title. Let's break it down:  The definite article gives the title a sense of purpose right out of the gate; "Great" lets the audience know going in that something special is about to transpire ("The Texas Dynamite Chase" just doesn't have the same ring to it).

"Texas" is the same as "Great," in that, who would want to watch "The Great Delaware Dynamite Chase"? I know I wouldn't, and I love Delaware (in addition, Texas is the perfect setting for crime flicks that involve fugitives from the law as Mexico is conveniently located just to the south); "Dynamite" makes sense as it's the favourite weapon of our sexy bank robbers and it also implies action; and "Chase," well, since the beginning of time, the pursuit (the "hot" variety in particular) has always been integral part of the human psyche.

Getting back to cut-off jean shorts, accentuating the acute firmness of her centerfold-quality legs, the sight of Claudia Jennings in cut-off jean shorts is so titillating, so provocative, that it should be against the law.

Forget about robbing banks with sticks of dynamite, someone arrest this woman for violating The Trouser Integrity Act of 1973, which clearly stipulates that the freakish deformities located near the crotch area of your average human male shall not be aroused from their crumpled slumbers by outside stimuli, particularly in the form of attire that emphasize the thighs and calves of the members of the opposite sex.

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I need to make a point that doesn't involve Claudia Jennings in cut-off jean shorts. No, no, no, hear me out. It's just that I noticed that the three characters Claudia Jennings plays in 'Gator Bait, Unholy Rollers and The Great Texas Dynamite Chase have more in common than just an affinity for cut-off jean shorts. I'm officially declaring Claudia Jennings a feminist icon. Think about it, the characters she plays in these three movies are headstrong, forthright and are the kind of women who rarely ever take guff from anyone.

While Desiree Thibodeau from 'Gator Bait is definitely headstrong and Karen Walker from Unholy Rollers is pretty fucking forthright, I would say Candy Morgan in The Great Texas Dynamite Chase is all three.

Breaking out prison as the film gets underway, the opening of the film plays out like the end of a women in prison film, as Candy can be seen running down a hill in a grey prison shirt paired with white knee-socks. Meeting her sister, Pam (a pre-Van Nuys Blvd., pre-Malibu Beach Tara Strohmeier), on the dirt road, Candy changes her clothes and heads straight to the nearest bank armed with a fist full of dynamite.

Meanwhile, Ellie-Joe Turner (Jocelyn Jones) is just waking up. Grabbing her pantyhose off her dresser, Ellie-Joe combs her hair and heads off to work... at the Bank of Alpine.

After arriving late, Ellie-Joe's boss decides to fire her. But just as he's doing so, guess who stomps in wielding two sticks of dynamite? That's right, it's Candy. Realizing she has nothing left to lose, Ellie-Joe helps Candy bag her cash more efficiently.

With no job and no prospects, Ellie-Joe hitches a ride out of town (don't worry, she leaves her cat with some dude). When the first guy she bums a ride from turns out to be a massive pervert, she tries her luck again. Anyone care to guess who picks her up next? Yep, it's Candy. Who has just returned from giving her family the money she acquired from the Alpine heist.

I'm surprised the first thing they didn't talk about was how much they lookalike. Sure, Candy's a redhead and Ellie-Joe's blonde, but other than that... At any rate, the conversation soon turns to robbing banks with dynamite.

Teaming up to rob banks, Candy and Ellie-Joe's first attempt to rob a bank together fails miserably (wonky dynamite). I'll give them this, though, they sure looked classy in those red (Ellie-Joe) and yellow (Candy) dresses.

When they're done reaffirming their commitment to one another, Candy and Ellie-Joe set out to procure some dynamite that actually works.

This leads them to Jake (Christopher Pennock), a.k.a. Dynamite Boy. When Dynamite Bo... I mean, when Jake asks Candy if she has a permit to buy dynamite, she should have just gestured toward her shapely stems, which were jutting out from a skimpy pair of cut-off jean shorts. Actually, she sort of does just that. Except, instead of gesturing, Candy crouches. And, as most people know, it's impossible to say no to Claudia Jennings when she's crouching in cut-off jean shorts.

Equipped with a box of brand spanking new dynamite, nothing can stop Candy and Ellie-Joe from robbing every bank from Alpine, Texas to the Mexican border.

After Candy and Ellie-Joe rob their third bank, you have to wonder though: How much money do these chicks need? I mean, do belly-chains and cut-off jean shorts really cost that much?

Nonetheless, if you like films that are shot predominantly outside and one's that feature two skinny white women who sort of lookalike robbing banks with dynamite, do yourself a favour and check out The Great Texas Dynamite Chase. But really, what are you going to do instead, read a book?

Unholy Rollers (Vernon Zimmerman, 1972)

Claudia Jennings! Claudia... motherfuckin' Jennings! Your stay on this earth may have been cut tragically short (1949-1979), but your body of work will live on forever. The second film in my self-realized "Jean Short Trilogy," Unholy Rollers finds Claudia Jennings quitting her soul-crushing factory job to join "The Avengers." No, not those Avengers, silly (though, I think Mrs. Jennings would have been great as Dazzler). Anyway, I don't know 'bout you, but I think Claudia's spunky, take no shit attitude was perfectly suited for the early 1970s. Now, I'm not exactly sure what was going on in 1972, but the misplaced anger, civil unrest and the general sense of malaise that was sweeping the U.S.A. during this particular period is represented rather accurately by a "sport" called roller derby. Sort of like wrestling on wheels, it makes sense that roller derby (which is still played today) would thrive during the early 1970s. With bloody battles in Vietnam still raging, the American people needed a mindless escape to distract them from the horrors of war, and what better way to do so than to watch lesbians beat the crap out of one another on roller-skates?

I know, I know, when does Claudia Jennings wear jean shorts. Keep your panties on, I'll get to that in a minute. I just want to examine the climate of the era. And, looking over what I just typed, I think I examined the era's climate to the best of my ability.

Unlike 'Gator Bait, Claudia Jennings' delicious lower-half doesn't spend the entire film encased in cut-off jean shorts. Now, before you start screaming rip off, I should inform you that Claudia Jennings' wardrobe in this movie is off the hook in terms of variety.

On top of her trademark orange and black L.A. Avengers roller derby uniform (black shorts with orange tights), Claudia can be seen in a wide array of outfits. And, yes, one of these outfits includes jean shorts.

Flowery hippie dresses, watermelon adorned shirts, mini-dresses, tank-tops, mini-skirts, and sweaters that employ colour blocking, Claudia Jennings' character's sense of fashion is just as fearless as her temperament.

Unafraid to utilize physical violence to get her point across, Claudia Jenning's Karen Walker has a short temper. And as we're shown on several occasions throughout this film, it doesn't much to set her off.

You know when you're in the grocery store trying to buying your favourite wheat-based cereal and the person minding the check out counter decides to go on their break just as you're about to make your purchase? Well, instead of calmly moving over to an open check out counter like most people, Karen Walker threatens to punch the break taking cashier with her fists.

The fact that Karen Walker is wearing a pink floral hippie dress with white go-go boots when she makes this threat only manages to amplify her awesomeness. Why can't I be more like Karen Walker, I thought to myself, as she stood up for her right to be served.

If you think Karen Walker is tough when she's in the express line at the supermarket, you should see her on the roller derby track.

As I was trying to remember the rules of the game, it dawned me that I used to watch a roller derby TV show called "RollerGames." Even though my memory of the show is mostly Kool Moe Dee-related, he famously performed "I Go To Work" (a.k.a. the second greatest hip hop song of all-time, the greatest being, of course, N.W.A.'s "Straight Outta Compton") during a lull in the roller derby action, I do recall seeing men and women on roller skates pummeling one another.

After quitting her job at the cat food factory she works (she was in charge of "chicken velocity," whatever that means), Karen Walker tries out for L.A. Avengers, a local roller derby team.

Oh, it should be noted that when Karen quits her job, she throws a bunch of cans of cat food at her boss, and later on, while grocery shopping with her stripper pal/roommate, Donna (Candice Roman), she knocks over a large of stack of canned goods... totally on purpose. I'm not noting this in order to point that Karen has a thing against cans, I'm pointing it out because I think she has serious anger issues. Which makes her the perfect candidate for roller derby.

No one will disagree that anger is important, but the main reason Karen makes the squad is because she, according to Mr. Stern (Louis Quinn), the owner of the the Avengers, knows how to play to the crowd. In other words, she's got showmanship. And she looks great in cut-off jean shorts.

While the scenes at the cat food factory and the supermarket do an excellent job of showcasing Karen's problem when it comes to containing her rage, the scene at the strip club Donna works seems to serve no purpose whatsoever. Other than allowing us to see Claudia Jennings in a super-sexy tiger print dress, I can't think of single reason why this scene exists. (Um, then why are you typing words about it?)  Um, hello? Claudia Jennings wears a short tiger print dress... with the white go-go boots. (Ah.)

If you're not like me, and you didn't watch RollerGames back in the day, and have no idea how the game is played, we're given a quick roller derby refresher course in the next scene.

After the lesson is over, Karen goes to see the roller derby doctor to... get felt up basically. The best thing about Karen's doctor visit (besides her being felt up) is that her bra and panties don't match.

What's great about Claudia Jennings in 'Gator Bait and Unholy Rollers is that she doesn't seem to shirk from doing her own stunts. While it's clear that Claudia was the one driving the boat in 'Gator Bait, it's even clearer that Claudia is doing her own skating in the Unholy Rollers. And this gave an unexpected layer of authenticity to the proceedings.

Picking the number three, Karen Walker quickly becomes a fan favourite amongst the L.A. Avenger faithful. This, of course, causes some of her teammates to become jealous, particularly their star jammer, Micky (Betty Anne Rees). Some teammates, however, like, Nick (Jay Varela), see Karen for what she really is: a foxy, forthright, force of nature.

Wow, it says here that Martin Scorsese was the film's "supervising editor." No wonder the skating scenes are so well put together.

I can't decide what I liked better, the sight of Claudia Jennings watching an ad her character does for the "Amazing Rocket Chair" in black pantyhose or the sight of her watching an ad she did for a pen company in orange socks, yellow shorts, a top covered in sail boats and wearing pink rollers in her hair. Hmm, as much as I love black pantyhose, I'm going to have to go with the pink rollers scene, as she gives herself the middle finger at the end of the pen TV spot.

On the surface, it's your typical rise and fall story (Karen Walker let's fame go to her head). But the film is trashy in all the right places, boasts a terrific lead actress (unlike the charisma-challenged dullards who appear in Andy Sidaris' movies, Claudia Jennings gives ex-Playboy models turned actresses a good name), and is filled with lots of exciting roller derby action.

Humanoids from the Deep (Barbara Peeters, 1980)

As we open in the murky depths of the waters just off the coast of Noyo, California, we can't help but notice a scaly, webbed hand pawing at a fishermen's net. Don't worry, I'm going to get into a heated debate with myself over who has the nicer set of thighs, Denise Galik or Lynn Theel, it's just that I would like to make this point. [Ten minutes pass] And that is? Oh, I'm sorry, I was just thinking about the prospect being sandwiched between Miss Galik and Miss Theel's luscious thighs. The point, man, make the bloody point! As I saw the scaly, webbed hand pawing at the net, I thought to myself: Great, not another cheesy monster movie where the creature rarely ever appears onscreen. And I didn't think this because I thought the filmmakers were trying to create an air of mystery around the creature, but because their monster–to put it bluntly–probably sucks a ton of ass. Even though we have to wait quite some time to see the "humanoids" in Humanoids from the Deep (a.k.a. Das Grauen aus der Tiefe), when do finally show up I was shocked by the level of craftmenship that went into their creation. Then, as the end credits were rolling, I saw name Rob Bottin listed as the creator and designer of the "humanoids." The name seemed familiar, so I did a little digging. And guess what? He designed the gooey monstrosities in The Thing! In other words, he's responsible for what I consider to be the gold standard when it comes to creature effects. This didn't change my opinion of the "humanoids" in this film, as I already thought they were awesome, it just added an extra layer of goodwill. Aww, what a cute story. Big deal, you like slimy monsters. Can we talk about you know what? You mean the Galik-Theel thigh-off? In a minute.

I'd like to mention director Barbara Peeters. Hey, wait, ain't "Barbara" a ladies name? It is (nothing gets past you). While it's not typical for a woman to direct a film about a bunch of upright sea monsters who terrorize a small fishing village, you can totally tell that Humanoids from the Deep was directed by a woman. How? I have two words for you: Hand holding. I don't get it. Lot's of movies have characters that hold hands. Yeah, romantic comedies. The amount of hand holding in this film, which features multiple scenes that involve sea monster rape, is off the charts. So, what you're saying is, because Barbara Peeters is a woman, there's more hand holding than usual? That's exactly what I'm saying. Chicks dig hand holding. It's a bonding thing.

While we're on the subject of women, the character of Johnny Eagle (Anthony Pena) seemed to have a strange feminine energy about him. But the film was written by a couple of men. Hear me out. Playing a First Nations resident of Noyo, California, Mr. Eagle opposes the building of the canning factory (fishing is the town's life blood) on so-called "Indian land." Of course, all the white folks in Noyo approve of the canning factory, as they think it will create jobs for the locals. Anyway, the stoic manner in which Johnny Eagle carried himself reminded me of one of those burly Harlequin cover models. Okay, now you're just being silly. Am I? Actually, you're right, it is kind of silly. But I got to admit, if I was a straight woman, I'd be swooning over Johnny Eagle left and right.

The scene where Johny Eagle, oozing righteous indignation from every single pore, carries his dead dog into the gymnasium where the locals are dancing to pseudo polka music made my p-p-p-pussy wet.

Remember that bit about how great it was that a woman directed Humanoids from the Deep? Yeah, well, I'd like to backtrack from that statement. Don't get me wrong, I still think Barbara Peeters did a terrific job. It's just that it has recently come to my attention that she had nothing to do with the scenes that I liked so much.  Which scenes are those, you ask? Well, I'll tell which. Any scene that involves an attractive woman being attacked by a "humanoid" was apparently shot by second unit director James Sbardellati.

Okay, now that I cleared that up. Who is killing all the dogs in the fishing village of Noyo, California? Baron, the dog belonging to a no-nonsense fishermen named Jim Hill (Doug McClure - you might know him from such films as Tapeheads and Shenandoah) and his tough as nails wife Carol Hill (Cindy Weintraub), is torn apart by a slimy creature. How do they know it's slimy? For starters, there's a trail of slime leading to the beach where they found Baron's mutilated body. That's not the important part. What is, however, is the fact that Carol says, "let's follow it," when she sees the slime trail. I have to say, Jim picked a real winner with Carol. I mean, she wants to follow a trail of slime.

Getting ready to attend a party that is in conjunction with the 75th Annual Salmon Festival, Peggy Larson (Lynn Theel) and her luscious thighs are about to be unleashed on an unsuspecting populace. So proud of the upper portion of her shapely legs, Peggy can be seen hiking up her skirt while making out with her boyfriend Jerry (Meegan King) in the parking lot.  Judging by the way they're pawing at one another, I don't think they're going to make it to the party. They didn't miss anything. The president of a canning company gave a speech and we're introduced to Dr. Susan Drake (Ann Turkel), a lady scientist hired by the canning company to assure the locals that the salmon population will not decrease as a result of the canneries opening.

Most of the excitement, in fact, takes place out in the parking lot, where Johnny Eagle gets in a fight with Hank (Vic Morrow), a racist reactionary, and his goons, over the death of his dog (Johnny's dog was the only dog not killed under mysterious circumstances). Since one vs. six isn't exactly a fair fight, Jim and his brother Tommy (Breck Costin) jump in to help Johnny even the odds a little bit.

Speaking of fair fights, are you ready for the battle between Denise Galik, who plays Linda Beale, a leggy artist, and Lynn Theel, who, like I already said, plays Peggy Larson, over who has nicer thighs? You are? That's wonderful. It's too bad the battle wasn't more spirited, as Lynn Theel's thighs blew Denise Galik's out of the water. Seriously. It was no contest, as Lynn is packing a pair of Ann-Margret-quality thighs.

I have to say, though, Denise Galik does look amazing while sitting cross-legged on a rocky beach. But this contest is all about thighs, and Lynn Theel is the clear winner in that regard.

Is she, though? Is she what? The clear winner? I don't know what you mean? After kicking Linda's ass in the thigh contest, Peggy decides to splash around in the water. Can you blame her? She wanted to cool her thighs, because... yeah, yeah, they're smoking hot. While frolicking with Jerry, who is wearing a skimpy pair of jean shorts (you're welcome ladies), in the water, Peggy is on top of the world. Winning made-up contests and looking good in a bikini has its advantages, it also has disadvantages. Really?!? Horny humanoids from the deep will want to mate with you.

Bursting out of the water, a humanoid rips a chunk of Jerry's face off (great gore effect) and proceeds to drag an unamused Peggy ashore so that he may rape her on dry land.

Soon afterward, a tent-dwelling bosomy brunette in a red headband (Lisa Glaser) is the next to be raped; I like how her boyfriend's ventriloquist dummy continues to move its eyes long after her boyfriend's hand has been removed from his wooden tuckus.

It would seem that the men of Noyo are being killed, while the women of Noyo are being raped; there's a scientific explanation for this. Anyway, putting their differences aside, the town decides to band together to find out who's responsible for these brutal attacks.

If you thought you had seen the last of Peggy's substantial thighs, think again. Stumbling across a human leg sticking out from a pile of seaweed, Dr. Susan is shocked to discover that it's Peggy's leg, and that she is still alive. Don't get too excited, Dr. Susan, who is teamed with Jim and Johnny, has to fight off wave after wave of pissed off humanoids.

When they realize that tonight's the big salmon festival, and that there are literally hundreds of humanoids roaming around out there, they hurry back to warn the others. Who's bright idea was it to carry on with the salmon festival? Who do you think? The mayor; all he cares about is money. To the surprise of no one...well, that's actually not true, Miss Salmon (Linda Shayne) looked genuinely surprised, as did Mad Mike Michaels (Greg Travis) of K-FISH. Okay, let me rephrase that. To the surprise of some, the humanoids lay waste to the salmon festival the only way they know how. And that is, of course, by employing their number one skill: Flesh tearing.

Oh, look. Miss Salmon is about to be raped by an humanoid. Yawn. Wait a minute, what's this? She's fighting back?!? Go, Miss Salmon! Go! Yeah, bash its head in with a rock, you plucky sex object. That will teach them not to mess with Miss Salmon. I'm afraid the same, however, can't be said for everyone else, as the humanoids are killing and raping Noyo residents left, right and centre.

If you're wondering what happened to Carol Hill, and why I described her earlier as "tough as nails"? Well, wonder no more. Left alone with her infant son (her husband is busy shooting humanoids near the town's ferris wheel), Carol Hill must battle a long-armed humanoid using whatever she can find lying around the house. And I must say, even though Peggy and the bosomy brunette in the red headband don't put up much of a fight, I liked how the female characters, like, Carol Hill and Miss Salmon, stood their ground in this film. I've read that it's traditional for female characters to be tough in Roger Corman produced horror movies, but I like to think Barbara Peeters had something to do with the moxie the women display when faced with mortal danger in this film. I guess I'll end on that note. No, wait. I'll end like this: Do you like films that feature female empowerment interspersed with sea monster rape? You do?Well, what are you waiting for? Watch this movie!