Death Walks at Midnight (Luciano Ercoli, 1972)

About five seconds ago, no, make that ten seconds ago, a profound feeling of relief washed over me, or was it a case of phantom scabies? No, it was definitely relief. You see, I was about to start typing words about Death Walks at Midnight (a.k.a. La morte accarezza a mezzanotte) without knowing the name of the actor who plays the cackling drug dealer/knife enthusiast in the aviator shades. This troubled me because I thought this guy brought a shitload of first-rate crazy to the table. In the back of my mind, I always knew that the innate foxiness of Nieves Navarro (a.k.a. Susan Scott) was going to be enough to sustain my interest in this convoluted, scotch whiskey-soaked giallo hullabaloo. In other words, my cerebral cortex was never in danger of being denied the fashion-forward Italo-sleaze it so rightly deserves. However, it didn't feel right not knowing who this guy was. Then it dawned on me: Why don't I just check the credits? Since there was no character listed as "blonde creep who laughs like an asthmatic hyena," I had to use my instincts. And they were telling me that the character listed as "Hans Krutzer" was probably the most likely candidate (the character has blonde hair, and, as most people know, there are a lot of blonde guys named "Hans" floating around out there in this whac-a-mole world of ours). Low and behold, my instincts were correct, Luciano Rossi plays "Hans Krutzer," the knife-wielding reprobate who made the final forty minutes of this Luciano Ercoli-directed enterprise so freaking enjoyable.

Now that I've cleared that up, I can proceed to lavish praise on Nieves Navarro in a calm and irrational manner. Don't you mean lavish praise on Dagmar Lassander and Edwige Fenech? What? Why would I... Oh, I see what you're saying. No, this film is all Nieves Navarro, all the time. If you have a problem with that, then I'm afraid you're not going to be able to handle the Nieves Navarro extravaganza that is this movie.

No longer reduced to playing the chic best friend or the stylish upstairs neighbour, Nieves Navarro is now the one whose mental well-being is put under the microscope. It should go without saying, but it's not a giallo if a woman, preferably one who works in the fashion industry, isn't on the cusp of losing her mind.

Speaking of losing one's mind, did you see the metallic wig Nieves Navarro wears near the midway point of this film? What about it? Was that a sign she was starting lose her grip with reality, or was it just another case of her being fabulous? I don't know, but as Nieves Navarro cavorted about in a wig made out of what looked like small metal tubes, I thought to myself: She can't be serious? Don't get me wrong, I loved the metallic wig. I just had trouble wrapping my brain around the thought process that must go into deciding to wear something like that on one's head.

If only Nieves Navarro had displayed this kind of style-based edginess during the film's early going. Why, what's wrong with her sense of style in the early going? Are you sitting down? She's wears pants. Yep, you heard right, pants. Call 'em trousers, call 'em slacks, Nieves Navarro's lower half is covered with pants. Black pants, blue pants, tan pants, grey pants, you name the colour, she wears 'em in this movie.

Don't be sad, a journalist who works for a magazine called Novella 2000, Giovani Baldi (Simón Andreu), is about to give Valentina (Nieves Navarro), a fashion model, a hit of H.D.S., a new drug that has just hit the streets of Rome. Why is Valentina allowing this "journalist," an albeit, hunky one at that, to inject some weird hallucinogen into her bloodstream? That's not important at the moment. What is important is what Valentina sees while tripping out on the stuff.

After going on and on about the colours she sees and even calling Giovanni a "monkey-face" at one point, Valentina witnesses a man (a creepy man) in large glasses kill a wide-eyed brunette. That doesn't so bad. After all, we all imagine seeing wide-eyed brunette's murdered by creepy dudes in glasses at one time or another during the course of our drug-addled lifetimes. Yeah, but do we imagine them being stabbed in the face multiple times with a spiky iron glove? I'll interpret your silence to mean that you haven't imagined that.

Angry at Giovanni that he published her picture for the article on H.D.S. (he promised that he wouldn't), Valentina unwittingly finds herself to be Italy's most famous drug abuser. Even though it says here Nieves Navarro was born in Spain, I must say, the way she loses her shit is purely Italian. In other words, I found Nieves Navarro's Italian ire to be quite exquisite; I wish someone, preferably an Italian woman, would get angry enough at me to feel compelled to chuck a rock at my head.

Receiving an anonymous note instructing her to show up at the building across the street, Valentina takes a break from commiserating with her husband Stefano (Pietro Martellanza) and heads out; in a pair of blue pants. Just to let you know, the reason Valentina agrees to answer the anonymous note is because she can't be choosey about the jobs she takes (everyone in the industry now thinks she's a drug abuser). Anyway, when Valentina's arrives at the location specified in the anonymous note, she realizes that it's directly across from her modestly swanky apartment (she even can see Stefano relaxing with a magazine). After she's finished realizing that, it slowly dawns on her that this is where the wide-eyed brunette was stabbed in the face with a spiky iron glove.

Just as this is dawning on her, a spiky iron glove comes bursting through the door. Panic-stricken, Valentina uses a broken mirror to heliograph Stefano for help. Of course, when Stefano comes over, there's no spiky iron glove man to be found. Apparently a wide-eyed brunette, or possibly another was murdered in this location. Only, it happened six months ago.

You would think the milfy redhead in the tan trench coat–you mean, Varushka Wuttenburg, ably played by Claudie Lange? yeah, her–might help Valentina shed some light on the situation (her sister was murdered by a man wielding a spiky iron glove, only her sister was a blonde with regular-size eyes). But she does nothing but confuse matters. It didn't help that Valentina and Varushka were both wearing tan-coloured articles of clothing during their joint light shedding symposium/mental asylum fact finding mission.

Since the police, especially Inspector Serino (Carlo Gentili), are no help at all when it comes to figuring out her unique dilemma, Valentina decides to cut lose. And how does an out of work fashion model pushing thirty cut lose? They put on their most metallic wig and paint the town red. Given that Stefano is a sculptor, do you think he made Valentina's metallic wig? I wouldn't be surprised. I mean, it doesn't look like the kind of item you'd find sitting on the shelf of your average wig shop. The wigs the members of Company B wore circa "Fascinated," on the other hand, are definitely the kind you can find at your average wig shop.

Have I mentioned that Valentina occasionally spots the spiky iron glove guy lurking about in the vicinity of her person, and that the film could be construed as a ninety minute ad for J+B scotch-whiskey? No? Okay, than I just did.

You might think one hour is a long time to wait to finally see Nieves Navarro's no-nonsense legs dangling from a dress, but it's totally worth it. Paired with an orange blazer, Nieves Navarro spends the final leg of this film in this particular garment.

Now, you're probably thinking to yourself, what kind of slit does her dress have? Don't be alarmed, but her dress doesn't currently have any slits. No slits?!? Not to worry, you slit-obsessed reprobate, a couple of scumbags named Juan Hernandez (Raúl Aparici) and Hans Krutzer (Luciano Rossi) are here to rectify that. You mean? Actually, I have no idea what you mean. Due to the nature of their scumbaggery, Juan and Hans give Valentina's dress some slits. Huh? They rip her dress in a manner that gives her non-slit dress slits. You mean, makeshift slits? Exactly. You could call them improvised slits as well.

Despite the fact that the slits on Valentina's dress had to be acquired through violent means, I am happy in the knowledge that her sturdy Italo-Spanish thighs can finally breath.

Sure, Death Walks at Midnight does drag in places; the middle section is a murky, confusing mess. However, it does culminate with a surprisingly feisty rooftop fight sequence, and, like I said, boasts some forceful third act dress alterations. On top of that, the jazzy score by Gianni Ferrio is awesome, Luciano Rossi gives snickering fiends a good name, and, of course, Nieves Navarro shines bright as the fashionable lead.

The Forbidden Photos of a Lady Above Suspicion (Luciano Ercoli, 1970)

You're an attractive redhead who's addicted to tranquilizers and has a bit of a drinking problem... You're joking, right? "A bit of a drinking problem"?!? Okay, she's got a lot of a drinking problem. And you [the attractive redhead] think you have just hit the jackpot when you decide to marry a guy who owns a company that manufactures scuba diving equipment. Well, think again, red. He didn't marry you for the shapely stems that jut out from the bottom half of your equally shapely torso. Come again? Her legs. He didn't marry her just for her legs. Why didn't you just say that in the first place? Eat my ass. It couldn't have anything to do with money, as he owns his business. Yeah, but, you'll notice that I didn't say, "successful business." Five out of ten scuba gear companies fail within the first six months of operation. Did they marry each other for love? Don't be naïve. No one married for love back in 1970. I'm confused, so who's conning who here? I don't know, but as I was watching the exceedingly Italian The Forbidden Photos of a Lady Above Suspicion, I began to wonder: does it really matter? Even though it bears several of the markings of your typical giallo, you won't find much as far as grisly murders go. In fact, I don't think anyone is stabbed in this film, unless you of course count the pulsating pussy attached to...You know what? I'm not going to finish that thought. C'mon, why not? I don't know, I'm tired of being rude, lewd, and lascivious. Okay, stop pulling my leg, I'll finish my thought. Firstly, I was nowhere near your leg. And secondly, your use of the expression, "pulling my leg," was not apt at all. Do you want me to finish my thought or not? Go ahead. In fact, I don't think anyone is stabbed in this film, unless of course you define the act of allowing a pulsating pussy to be penetrated by an erect penis as being "stabbed."

Has the groaning subsided yet? It hasn't? Dang, tough crowd. I'll wait a couple of more seconds then. In the meantime, feast your eyes on Dagmar Lassander as she soaks her dainty nooks and her sophisticated Euro-crannies in the tub in the film's opening scene.

The worst offense you'll see in this film, directed by Luciano Erocoli, besides some questionable fashion choices, is blackmail. However, on the plus side, the photos used in the film's primary blackmailing scheme are pornographic in nature.

Just kidding, by the way, about the questionable fashion choices, 'cause from where I was sitting–and, if memory serves me correctly, I was sitting pretty freaking close–there isn't a single fashion faux pas to be found in this motion picture.

Despite her determination to stop smoking, to stop drinking, and to stop taking tranquilizers, Minou (Dagmar Lassander) reneges on all three before her lavish mane of red hair has even had time to dry; she was taking a bath when she made a promise to herself to quit those particular vices. Hold on, her hair wasn't wet. Who said anything about the hair on her head? Zing! Actually, I don't think the tufts of pubic hair that surround her pinkish yet not even close to being mawkish vagina match the hair that sits atop her pretty little head. Follicle symmetry aside, Minou has Drink #1 immediately after getting dressed; tranq #1 is taken shortly after she has a drink, but I'm going to focus my attention mostly on her chronic alcoholism.

Don't focus too much, though. Why is that? You failed to mention any details when it came to Minou getting dressed. You're right, I didn't. Let's rectify that, shall we? Hopping out of the tub to the lounge-tastic strains of Ennio Morricone's "Dell'Orso," Minou puts on a robe and paints her toenails on her bed. As she combs her hair in the mirror, Minou wonders to herself if the pink mini-dress she is wearing is too conservative. With a pair of white pantyhose already pressing tightly against everything below her pristine undercarriage, Minou finishes off her ensemble by sliding on a pair of almost knee-high black boots.

I think most of you will agree, judging by her fierceness, that Minou is ready to be harassed by "The Blackmailer" (Simón Andreu), a shady sex fiend with dark hair who vexes the fashion-forward redhead throughout this stylish motion picture. And what better place to be harassed/vexed than a dark alleyway. Holding a switchblade (one with an extra long handle) to her throat, The Blackmailer, whose real name is never uttered, informs Minou that her beloved husband, the equally dark-haired Peter (Pier Paolo Capponi), is a murderer. Leaving her to absorb/contemplate this little nugget of juicy gossip, The Blackmailer drives off on his motorcycle.

Wandering in a "I wasn't just killed by a dark-haired sex fiend, but told instead that my dark-haired husband is a murderer" haze, Minou takes refuge in a nearby tavern, and orders to two small brandies. Since she ordered two drinks, does that mean Minou has two drinks? Huh? I'm keeping track of Minou's alcohol intake, and would like to know how to label each drink she has. You know what? I'm going to count the two small brandies as Drink #2. After all, she drinks them both in quick succession.

After being picked up by husband, much to the chagrin of two Carlsberg-drinking barflies, Minou is back at home with Drink #3 in her hand. Reassured that Peter wouldn't love any less because of some sex fiend, Minou puts on a blonde afro wig and heads out to a local nightclub. Sipping on Drink #4 in one of the club's booths, Minou, despite the raucous nightclub atmosphere, still looks somewhat preoccupied. If anyone can cheer Minou up, it's her best friend, the fabulous with a capital 'F' Dominique (Nieves Navarro), a chic force of nature whose arrival causes the less chic to crumble the moment they lay their not as chic eyes on her.

While taking another bath, in, get this, a different bathtub all together (the scuba gear racket has done all right by them), Minou notices that her pet turtle (oh, let's call him, Tik Tok) has inadvertently pushed one of her pink slippers underneath the shower curtain. The only reason I'm mentioning Tik Tok is because he or she actually play an important role later on in the film, and the slipper pushing incident is merely included to remind us that Tik Tok has a tendency to shove things around.

Having a drink, make that, "Drink #5," with Dominique at an outdoor cafe, Minou tells her exceedingly chichi friend all about the incident with The Blackmailer. Instead expressing sympathy, Dominique seems jealous. She even says, "I would have adored being violated," at one point. Since the table is obscuring the view of Minou's black pantyhose adorned legs, the action moves to Dominique's swanky pad, where the two friends drink booze (Drink #6) and look at pornographic photos. You gotta love a movie that features two leggy gal pals lounging in a leggy manner while looking at so-called "dirty pictures" that may or may not boast leggy models.

Just in case some of us weren't satisfied by the quality of the leggy lounging in the previous scene, Minou's pantyhose adorned legs are the focal point of the next one.

Remember when The Blackmailer told Minou that her that husband is a murderer? Well, it would seem that Minou is starting believe what The Blackmailer said was true. Growing increasingly suspicious, Minou thinks her husband might have been responsible for the death of a local businessman, one that, get this, her husband owed money to.

When The Blackmailer calls Minou in the middle of the night, she decides to have Drink #7. I wish I could tell you what kind of beverage she has every time she pours herself a drink (I'm not good at spotting booze). However, I'm guessing she's a J+B scotch whiskey kind of gal. Don't ask me why, it's just a hunch.

It's only a matter of time before Minou and The Blackmailer meet again, and they do so at his menacingly decorated apartment. Did anyone else notice that The Blackmailer didn't offer Minou a drink? I know, how rude.

Thankfully, she has plenty to drink at home. Only problem is, her husband nearly catches her in a lie. "Nearly" because a quick-thinking Dominique steps in to save the day. To celebrate a successful save, Minou enjoys Drink #8; which helps her wash down tranq #3.

Made at a time when love was a fraud, drinking was mandatory, drug abuse was tolerated, and fashion was dangerous, The Forbidden Photos of a Lady Above Suspicion might seem like a stylish morality tale about a wide-eyed redhead struggling to survive in a world filled with dark-haired sex fiends. In actuality, it's just an excuse for the director to film his girlfriend, Nieves Navarro, in various outre outfits.

Actually, the film is pretty suspenseful in places, and Dagmar Lassander gives an excellent performance as an alcoholic trendsetter who grows increasingly frazzled as the film progresses. That being said, there is some truth to what I said about Nieves Navarro, as she looks amazing in this film.

My favourite Nieves Navarro looks in this film were the black all-slit number she wears when Dominique tries to comfort Minou during a crisis (Drink #9) and the black trench coat shes dons during the action-packed climax. If you're wondering what "all-slit" means. It's when a garment has an unending slit down the side. And in the case of Dominique's slit-heavy getup, it has two unending slits on each side.

Oh, and for those keeping track at home, Minou consumes a total of 10 alcoholic beverages in this movie (the tenth one is served just before the action-packed finale). Cheers.