Lovedolls Superstar (David Markey, 1986)

How do you go about making a sequel to an underground classic when most of the principal characters from the original were murdered? Well, according to David Markey, the writer-director-producer-editor of Lovedolls Superstar, his epic follow up to Desperate Teenage Lovedolls, all you need is a long lost hippie twin brother, a Ritz-cracker eating socialite bent on revenge, a demented Lovedolls super-fan, a brunette ghost, and you should be good to go. When I use to word "epic" to describe this film, I ain't kidding around. Sure, it contains all the drug use, violence, gore, music, and, not to mention, the multiple shots of Jennifer Schwartz's surprisingly shapely legs sheathed in colourful tights we've come to expect from The Lovedolls franchise. But this chapter seems determined to outdo its predecessor. First things first, they definitely had more money to work with this time around. Granted, it's still not a lot, especially when compared to other low budget movies. But that being said, all you have to do is take one look at the artists who contribute songs to the soundtrack (Sonic Youth, Meat Puppets, Dead Kennedys) to realize there's something different in the air. Mocking the music industry (a record company executive is brutally murdered by a mob in a scene straight out of an Italian cannibal movie), crazy religious cults, Bruce Springsteen/Rick Springfield, flower children, feminist television hosts, and celebrity culture, the film, while retaining the campy tone that made part one so enjoyable, has a developed a bit of a satirical edge since we last tuned in.
 

 

While all those topics and subjects are ridiculed to maximum effect, it's crazy religious cults that get skewered the most in the early going. You won't believe this, but Patch Kelly (Janet Housden) is now "Patch Christ," the not-so charismatic leader of a group of mindless followers. I know, you're asking yourself, who's this Patch Kelly/Patch Christ person? If you recall, she was the drummer of The Lovedolls who killed Kitty Carryall's mother; Kitty Carryall (the sexy Jennifer Schwartz) is, of course, the charismatic leader of The Lovedolls who fell on hard times at the end of Desperate Teenage Lovedolls. Anyway, most people will agree that Patch Kelly wasn't much a factor in the first film; okay, to be blunt, she was barely in it.
 

 

She might not have been memorable in the first flick, but Patch Kelly/Patch Christ is the reason Kitty Carryall is able to extricate herself from the Venice day spa she is currently wallowing in. And, no, being in a "Venice day spa" isn't as nice as it sounds; Kitty Carryall was ankle deep in sewer water when Patch and her gang of thieving juvenile delinquents happen upon her (she was giving herself an e. coli mud facial).
 

 

Made up of ex-fans of The Lovedolls, the cult steal, and sometimes kill, for Patch Kelly, who can pretty much make them do anything her heart desires. After hearing The Lovedolls on the radio, Kitty, who has since taken a shower (I dug the pink ribbon she wore in her hair to signify her newfound cleanliness), and Patch decide to put the band back together. Only problem being, they don't have a guitar player. If you recall, Bunny Tremelo (Hilary Rubens) met with an "unfortunate accident" at the end of Desperate Teenage Lovedolls.
 

 

While wandering the streets of Hollywood, Kitty and Patch bump into Alexandria (Kim Pilkington), the blonde junkie whose heroin habit hampered her attempt to become a rock star in the first film; remember kids, if you're going to develop a trendy heroin habit, wait until your rich and famous first. Working as a hooker with her red beret-wearing friend Shabu (Cheri Land), under the watchful eye of their pimp, Slick (Jordan Schwartz), Kitty and Patch convince Alexandria to drop the "trashy whore" routine and join the band as their guitar player.
 

 

Just because Johnny Tremaine (their former manager) and Tanya Hearst (leader of the She-Devils) aren't around anymore to hassle The Lovedolls, doesn't mean that outside forces are not conspiring against them. You wouldn't think it by looking at him, but Johnny Tremaine's twin brother Rainbow (Steve McDonald) is about to become The Lovedolls' primary nemesis. Living on a New Mexico commune called "The Freedom School" with a bunch of hippies (including Vickie Peterson from The Bangles), Rainbow decides to visit L.A. to see what his brother is up to (he has no idea he's dead).
 

 

Actually, Rainbow Tremaine is pretty harmless compared to what Patricia Anne Cloverfield (Tracy Marshak-Nash, a.k.a. Tracy Lea) has in store for The Lovedolls. Landing at LAX, Patricia, we soon find out, is Tanya Heart's mother. And if you're wondering why Patricia, who is sitting crossed-legged, suddenly stops eating her Ritz crackers, it's because she just found out her daughter was killed by The Lovedolls.
 

 

If that wasn't enough trouble for The Lovedolls, we're introduced to Carl Celery (Jeffrey McDonald), an obsessed fan of the group. If he's so into The Lovedolls, he should join their cult. Why should he? When Kitty Carryall visits him and instructs him to murder Bruce Springsteen. Don't worry, Kitty Carryall is not really making appearances in his squalid hellhole masquerading as a home, Carl is delusional.
 

 

Let's recap: The upstart band have not one, not two, but three antagonists to deal with in this chapter of The Lovedolls saga. And it would seem that Bruce Springsteen has an antagonist as well.  
 

 

It's a good thing The Lovedolls have a cult to back them up this time around. And they come in handy almost immediately when The Lovedolls go up against a sleazy (which should go without saying) record exec named Slim Crowley (Bob Moss). Instead of simply leaving his office after being rejected (he basically calls them has-beens), The Lovedolls sick their cult on him. That doesn't sound so bad. He was roughed up in the parking lot to the music of Sonic Youth, big deal. Roughed up? They stomp his guts out and drink his blood. So, yeah. You better cancel his ten o'clock with Madonna, he ain't gonna make it.
 

 

After only being in L.A. five seconds, Rainbow Tremaine (he should get together with Rainbow Harvest from Mirror Mirror fame - you know, because they have the same first name) is already feeling the effects of the city's corrupting influence (the flowers in this town are soaked in pesticide and the granola is chock-full of  artificial flavours). And not only that, a newspaper boy (Robert Wecker) informs Rainbow that his brother is dead, and tells him that The Lovedolls were the one's responsible. Meanwhile, Patricia Anne Cloverfield has bought herself a gun and has formed an alliance with Matt (Mike Glass), Tanya's boyfriend, and Switchblade Suzy (Annette Zilinskas), a disgruntled She-Devil.
 

 

Possessed by the spirit of Gene Simmons, Carl Celery, wearing the appropriate makeup, shows up at a Bruce Springsteen concert carrying the gun given to him by Kitty Carryall. Hey, check out the Courtney Cox (Modi Frank) wannabe in the front row (she sort of looks like Bunny Tremelo). At any rate, as Bruce (Jordan Schwartz) is finishing up an lyrically altered version of "Dancing in the Dark," Carl rushes the stage.
 

 

Speaking of people who sort of look like Bunny Tremelo, the ghost of Bunny Tremelo (complete with Linda Blair from The Exorcist sleepwear) appears in Kitty Carryall's bedroom. Warning her about the dark forces that are out to get her, the ghost of Bunny Tremelo gives Kitty the skinny on all the threats that are currently manifesting themselves against her.
 

 

Whether she takes heed or not is anyone's guess. In the meantime, Kitty and Patch appear on Women On Women, a feminist talk show hosted by Gloria Biaz (Carmel Moran). The great thing about this sequence, besides the fact that Kitty and Patch fail to live up to Gloria's idea of what a feminist should look like, was Kitty Carryall's crossed legs sheathed in red tights. In addition to looking fabulous on her, the red tights are good indication that The Lovedolls are well on their way. Remember what I said in my review of Desperate Teenage Lovedolls? You don't? Well, let me repeat it: Colourful tights = success. You could also add: Crimped hair = success to the equation, as the more successful The Lovedolls become, the more crimps seem to appear in Kitty Carryall's hair.
 

 

In the coming scenes, Jennifer Schwartz can be seen in blue, footless tights (she wears them during her confrontation with Mrs. Cloverfield), a one piece bathing suit with Argentine theme (it reminded me of the flag of Argentina) with matching blue shades (she wears both during her pool side confrontation with Carl Celery), and a purple feather boa (which she wears during The Lovedolls show at the forum).  
 

 

You'll notice I didn't mention Kitty Carryall's confrontation with Rainbow Tremaine during my Kitty Carryall fashion round up. Well, let me just say two words: Suicidal Tendencies. Oh, and my favourite Rainbow-ism uttered during this period was: "I have become semi-rebellious!" And it's no wonder, the city of Los Angeles. is no place for wide-eyed idealists, it warps your soul.
 

 

Just like the first film, Lovedolls Superstar was shot on super-8. However, the sequel has a more polished sheen to it. Yet, the film has somehow managed to retain its gritty aesthetic. Depicting Hollywood as the cesspool that it probably is, Dave Markey (best known for, I guess, directing 1991: The Year Punk Broke) has made farcical romp that ridicules the city, while, at same time, celebrates its many quirks. My only complaint would be that Kitty Carryall doesn't get a love interest in either film. Call me a romantic sap, but I wanna see Kitty's luscious thigh's gingerly groped by a tattooed gentlemen caller whilst in the throes of consensual, Patti Smith-approved passion.

 

video uploaded by Dave Markey

Desperate Teenage Lovedolls (David Markey, 1984)

In order to get in the mood to write about Desperate Teenage Lovedolls (word on the street is, the film was originally titled "Desperate Teenage Runaways," but Kim Fowley, former manager of The Runaways, threatened to sue), I've been listening to "Survive" by The Bags on repeat (and by "repeat," I mean two times in a row). Okay, before you say, "aren't you special," the song is featured in the movie; just in case you were wondering why I was randomly namedropping this classic slab of L.A. punk rock. In all honesty, what I'm really trying to do is summon my inner punk. And, yes, I have an inner punk; his name is Steve, he likes the Suburban Lawns, eats nothing but Doritos® Fromage Mordant, wants to perform cunnilingus on Sharon Mitchell in the worst possible way, and spends most of his time sniffing glue underneath the Santa Monica Pier. The reason you initially doubted whether or not I had an inner punk was probably because I rarely ever need to tap into him. In fact, the only time I ever seem to require his services is when I'm watching Repo Man; which is something I try to do at least once year ("Ordinary fucking people. I hate 'em"). In other words, Steve's not a big part of my life. However, I needed him desperately (no pun intended) when it came time to watch this micro-budget tribute to the L.A. punk scene (the only punk scene I subscribe to). And after listening to "Survive" by The Bags multiple times, I feel like I'm ready to delve into this gritty, shot on super-8, cult, trash, camp masterpiece.
 

 

It's a good thing I did, because I was immediately put off by the lack of synthesizers on the soundtrack; I kept telling myself: "Relax, man. Not every film can have synthesizers." Nevertheless, the film does use the music of SPK to punch up the drug trip gone awry scene. And, as most people know, SPK are one of the few bands that can be truly call themselves "industrial" (most so-called "industrial" bands make house music with distorted vocals slapped over top of it - not that there's anything wrong with that).
 

 

Reminding me of Ladies and Gentlemen - The Fabulous Stains, Breaking Glass, and Smithereens (films that sport ambitious female characters who crave fame and fortune, but quickly find out that both are not all that they're cracked up to be), Desperate Teenage Lovedolls, written and directed by David Markey (founder of the punk zine We Got Power! - I'm a wealth of information today), tells the tale of The Lovedolls, an all-girl punk band who become unwitting victim's of their own success.
 

 

When two long lost friends, the leggy Kitty Carryall (Jennifer Schwartz) and the exceedingly brunette Bunny Tremelo (Hilary Rubens), reunite at a bus station in Venice, California, they both agree that now is the perfect time to put The Lovedolls back together.
 

 

Even though it's still early, I'm having no trouble whatsoever picturing the members of Sleater-Kinney and Bikini Kill watching Desperate Teenage Lovedolls on their respective tour buses.
 

 

The third member of The Lovedolls, it turns out, is locked up in a mental hospital. Which, surprisingly, isn't going to be that big a problem, as Alexandra (Kim Pilkington) is planning her escape as we speak. Smashing her guitar over the head of her doctor (Jordan Schwartz), Alexandra makes a run for it.
 

 

Meanwhile, out in suburbia (our trip to the burbs is accompanied by a cheeky music cue taken directly from The Brady Bunch), Kitty, who is wearing a kick ass green sweater dress (if you don't think sweater dresses can kick ass - well, they totally can), and Bunny are rehearsing. When Kitty's mom (Jordan Schwartz) starts hassling her, Bunny decides to bail. Chilling in her room, showing off her amazing legs (which are tastefully encased in a pair of light purple pantyhose), Kitty is shocked to find Alexandra hiding under some blankets.
 

 

After telling her mom to "go fuck herself," Kitty and Alexandra leave in a huff. Well, actually, Kitty does the majority of the huffing during their exit. What I should said was, after hurling a series of fuck-based insults in the general direction of her mother, Kitty, along with Alexandra, leaves in a huff. I guess that's better. Either way, Kitty is now a teenage runaway.
 

 

While hitchhiking with Alexandra, you'll notice that Kitty is now wearing black pantyhose. Granted, you'll have pause the movie in order to properly appreciate the magnitude of the hosiery change. But trust me, her light purple pantyhose have been replaced by a pair of jet black pantyhose.
 

 

If you don't believe me, watch the outtakes. In them, you'll come across an extended version of the hitchhiking scene. And in this extended version you will clearly see that the shapely stems jutting out from the bottom half of Jennifer Schwartz's kick ass green sweater dress have been lovingly re-poured into a pair of super-tight, jet black pantyhose. To make matters even more titillating, there's a run in her hose (a long run that starts on her left thigh and goes all the way down to her knee).
 

 

You think that's titillating? Wait until you see the part where Jennifer Schwartz tells Kim Pilkingston to stop wasting her time using her thumbs to hitch a ride and proceeds to lift up the bottom of her kick ass green sweater dress to reveal even more pantyhose-ensnared leg. They're going to be mopping you off the floor.
 

 

And get this, she actually says, "The thumb trick doesn't work, but the pantyhose does," while hiking up her kick ass green sweater dress. Now, the only reason I think of as to why this scene didn't make it into the final version of the film was because of bad pantyhose continuity. Like I said, Kitty Carryall is wearing light purple pantyhose when she leaves in that huff I mentioned earlier, and seconds later, she is wearing jet  black pantyhose. People who leave in huffs don't usually have time to change their pantyhose. If she had left in say, a casual and relaxed manner, then I would have bought the pantyhose change. But not in a huff. It doesn't pass pantyhose muster.
 

 

Which is a shame, really. Because there's nothing sexier than a leggy woman, or in this case, a leggy teenage runaway, who knows how to harness the power of her shapely stems.
 

 

Most people when talking about Desperate Teenage Lovedolls seem to go on and on about the controversial scene where Kim Pilkington shoots heroin...for realz. Yet, here I am, rambling, semi-coherently, about, what is basically, a deleted scene. Oh, well.
 

 

As expected, Alexandra's drug habit prevents her from becoming a Lovedoll (you're supposed to develop a debilitating drug habit after you become famous, not before). Nonetheless, that doesn't stop Kitty, who hits the streets in search of a new drummer. Running into Patch Kelly (Janet Housden) while putting up flyers, Kitty asks her to join the band. Of course, not before thanking her for killing her mother. Here's a sample of the dialogue heard during Kitty and Patch's first meeting: Kitty Carryall: "Thanks for killing my mother." Patch Kelly: "No problem."
 

 

After stealing a guitar from some homeless guy in an afro wig, The Lovedolls soon find themselves on the road to superstardom. Only problem being, their manager, Johnny Tremaine (the amazing Steve McDonald from Redd Kross), is a bit of a scumbag (he rapes Bunny, puts Boy George on hold, and thinks a Beatles reunion with Kevin DuBrow from Quiet Riot as John Lennon's replacement is a good idea). And, oh, yeah, there's this all-girl gang called the She-Devils who are still pissed over the fact that Kitty killed their leader, Tanya Hearst (Tracy Marshak-Nash), with a switchblade during a violent confrontation on a Venice beach.
 

 

You could tell that Kitty and Bunny had finally "made it" just by looking at colour of their tights (colourful tights = success). Lounging around their mansion in Brentwood, Kitty, whose legs are fashionably sheathed in purple tights, and Bunny, who's rocking a pair of pink tights, have a contented air about them. However, as anyone who has ever watched a movie like this before knows, it all could fall apart at any moment. Meaning, the hottest band on the planet could be washed up in a matter of months. Scratch that, they could be washed up in a matter of days.
 

 

Despite its extreme low budget (the film purportedly cost around 350 dollars to make), Desperate Teenage Lovedolls manages to overcome its financial difficulties by fully embracing the D.I.Y. spirit of the L.A. punk scene. Boasting a campy edge (Steve McDonald's drug trip while wearing blue spandex trousers and his talk back while watching Dawn: Portrait of a Teenage Runaway are pure camp) and moments of violence (at least seven people are murdered in this film), the film isn't your typical tale of a couple of gals who go from the gutters of Venice to glamour of Beverly Hills. Uh-uh, it earns its status as a cult classic through sheer moxie and hard work.

video uploaded by Dave Markey