A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (Jack Sholder, 1985)

If anyone can expose the hetero-erotic subtext that lies beneath the surface of A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, it's me. Hey, what can I say? Uncovering Hollywood's super-secret heterosexual agenda is sort of my thing. (Um, I don't mean to cut you off while you're on a role, but don't you mean, homosexual agenda?) Why would I mean that? It's obvious to anyone with a brain that kinda functions that A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge is the gayest non-gay porn movie to come out of the 1980s. (Even gayer than Night Warning?) Way gayer. When I read that A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge had a reputation in some circles for being pretty gay, I thought to myself: I'll be the judge of that. Well, it took me maybe, oh, I don't know, two or three seconds to decide whether or not this film, directed by Jack Sholder (Crawlspace), was in fact the gayest thing since assless leather chaps. (So, is it mega-gay or what?) Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I made myself clear. Anyway, when a shirtless Mark Patton wakes covered in sweat after the opening dream sequence (a non-burnt Fred Krueger drives our dreaming hero over a cliff in a school bus), I threw up my hands and said: I give up! In other words, fasten your seat-belts, things are about to get fab-u-lous! *snap* That being said. I'm still going to do my darndest to uncover this film's murky heterosexual underbelly. After all, the film's female lead is played by none other than Kim Myers (State Park), and her freckled gorgeousness will not go unappreciated by this viewer.

Even though Kim Myers' Lisa Webber has got that alabaster skin thing going for her, and, not to mention, the shapeliest, creamiest legs in the entire tri-state area, Mark Patton's Jesse Walsh has not only got his gym teacher, Coach Schneider (Marshall Bell), trying to fix him up with Ron Grady (Robert Rusler), the school's hunkiest bad boy, but he's got this child killing burn victim in a crumpled fedora making a serious play for the ownership of his gay sex worthy organic structure.

You could say that Jesse and Grady were destined to be together. Nevertheless, Coach Schneider (a gay leather enthusiast/gay teen matchmaker), makes sure, just in case, by having them do push-ups and running laps together.

As for Fred Krueger (Robert Englund), the aforementioned child killing burn victim, his job is to make sure Lisa's pussy is sufficiently clam-jammed at all times. Meaning, whenever Lisa seems close to snagging herself a pristine piece of oh-so delicious boy-cunt, Fred would step in and deny her of her firm reward. And who do you think Jesse will turn to for comfort? That's right, he runs straight to Grady.

Sure, he would sometimes run straight to Ron's Place, the coolest gay industrial goth leather bar in town (despite the fact that Coach Schneider is a regular). But trust me, he would rather be with the man he loves.

Oh, Grady! Penetrate my freshman asshole with your thick cock underneath your brand-new Limahl poster.

While it's true that Jesse loves Grady. Don't underestimate Lisa's resolve. She's got a few tricks up her sleeve. What am I talking about? A few tricks? She could definitely fit more than a few tricks up her sleeve. (What on earth are you babbling about?) It being 1985 and all, the style of shirts Lisa likes to wear are pretty generous when it comes to material. So, if she wanted to shove some tricks up there, she could stuff a healthy amount.

If you don't remember what I wrote in my review for A Nightmare on Elm Street, that makes perfect sense, because I didn't write one. I was going to write one, but there was hardly anything in the film that struck my fancy. Don't get me wrong, it's a well-made film, but it's no A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge. Seriously, this movie rules. In fact, I'm gonna go ahead and declare it to be the best film in the Freddy franchise. It's true, I've only seen the original and Mahakaal (the Bollywood remake) so far. But I don't think any of them can touch Freddy's Revenge in terms of quality.

If you don't believe me. Check out the scene where Lisa tries to put the moves on Jesse in the change room at her backyard pool party. Not only does it feature twenty-something teenage girls frolicking pool-side to Bobby Orlando's "Whisper to a Scream," the gay tension in that change room is so thick, you could cut it with a beadazzled switchblade.

While it might seem that Fred Krueger has been reduced to playing Cupid to closeted LGBT youth, his motives are still sinister and shit. In other words, I wouldn't underestimate him. Tormenting Jesse Walsh, whose family just moved into the house featured in the first film, via his dreams... his sweaty homoerotic dreams, Fred hopes to take over the gay teens body, so that he can start killing teens in the real world. After asking him politely to use his body (Jesse says no), Fred resorts to demonic chicanery.

He may not be, to quote Grady, "mounting her nightly," but Jesse has an ally in the form of Lisa Webber, a classmate he drives to school in "The Deadly Dinosaur," the nickname of his 1966 Dodge Dart GT convertible. Actually, to call Lisa Webber an ally is a bit of an understatement. She not only finds the diary of the girl Fred hassled in the first film, she tells Jesse about Fred's origins as a child killing serial killer and eventually confronts Fred in a final girl-style showdown in a factory filled with steamy valves.

In a strange twist, the film is chock-full of dudes being butchered (okay, chock-full is somewhat of an exaggeration... two dudes and a couple of guys at the pool party are butchered). Nevertheless, it still manages have, like the first film did, a strong female heroine at its core. It's true, Lisa Webber is, thanks to screenwriter David Chaskin, surrounded by gayness (Jesse's late night trip to Don's Place looked like an outtake from Cruising), but she's not going to let the fact that her boyfriend is gay get in the way of preventing a knife-glove-wearing psychopath from consuming his soul.

Like I said earlier, I'm kinda new to the Freddy franchise. However, I must say, I thought A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge is not only better than all the Friday the 13th movies I've seen, it's one the best films of 1980s. Granted, a big reason I think this is because of the film's homoerotic subtext. But when you combine that with Kim Myers (who is hands down one of the most attractive/alluring final girls of all-time), Mark Patton (who gives a surprisingly strong performance) and some of the song choices ("Touch Me... All Night Long"), you can't deny its place in the pantheon of great '80s horror movies. Or maybe you can... what do I know?

Oh, and even though I don't think the words "dream" and "job" really go together, my "dream job" is to be the girl's archery teacher at the high school in this movie. If you look closely, you'll notice the girl's archery teacher is wearing, along with a pair of sunglasses, a green "Kill 'Em All... Let God Sort 'Em Out!" t-shirt. In other words, where do I sign up?

State Park (Rafal Zielinski, 1988)

Three friends enter Weewankah Park located in the wilds of Michigan... (Hold up. Aren't you going to bemoan the fact that this film is yet another Canadian production pretending to be American?) Nah, I'm done doing that. Besides, State Park (a.k.a. Heavy Metal Summer) was, according to my exhaustive research, shot in both Québec and North Carolina. However, when Rafal Zielinski's name appears in the credits, that should tell all you need to know as far as the national makeup of this motion picture goes. I know, he made Valet Girls, the ultimate L.A. movie. But, for the most part, the bulk of his cinematic output is Canadian. Like I said, though, I'm done doing that. Anyway, where I was? Oh yeah, three friends enter a Yellowstone National Park/Algonquin Provincial Park-style park located in Michigan. It sounds like a simple premise, but what occurs to these three friends whilst inside will... (Don't tell me, it will alter the spiritual trajectory of their lives forever.) It's true, some trajectories of a spiritual nature will be altered; three, to be exact. But the manner in which this film goes about altering these particular trajectories is the stuff of Canuxploitation legend.

Don't believe me? Um, a creamy, freckle-covered redhead dons a bear suit (in the middle of summer) to help a handsome environmentalist save his small business from an unscrupulous land developer.

Still not convinced, eh? How 'bout this. Instead of cheating on her boyfriend by engaging in vaginal intercourse with every able-bodied, penis-owning male in the park, a vivacious blonde gives them all haircuts.

Really? You still need convincing? Okay, if this doesn't convince you, than nothing will. A fashion-forward woman thinks she has landed a real hunk when she uses her no-nonsense gams to bag herself a good-looking fella down by the water. Only problem being, this anatomically correct hunk is actually a punk. Or, to use her words: "He's a heavy metaler!!! A disgusting lowlife!"

And thanks to a well-written scene that took place earlier in the movie, this fashion-forward woman makes it abundantly clear that she despises everything associated with heavy metal.

There you have it, this film has three strong female characters each with their own distinct personalities. Your move, other movies.

The cool thing about each character is that they all reminded me of someone else. The actress who plays Eve (Kim Myers), the creamy, freckle-covered redhead, was a dead ringer for Meryl Streep, while the actress who plays Linnie (Jennifer Inch), the vivacious blonde, had a Kelli Maroney vibe about her.

As for the fashion-forward woman, she reminded me of... Oh, who am I kidding? There's only one Isabelle Mejias. Not to take anything away from Miss Myers and Frau Inch, but the moment I saw Isabelle Mejias appear onscreen as the adorable Marsha, I knew she was going to be my favourite character.

You're right, her character could have turned out to be a real hosebeast. But I didn't care, I was on Team Marsha from the get-go.

Oh, and I just remembered who Isabelle Mejias reminded me of. She reminded me of, that's right, Isabelle Mejias. A channel called Citytv used to air a movie called Unfinished Business all the time back in the days when they didn't run infomercials 24/7, and the female lead was played by none other than Isabelle Mejias.

In an ironic twist, Unfinished Business features music by The Parachute Club. What's that? How is that ironic? Oh, I'm sorry. There's a scene in State Park where Isabelle Mejias is wearing what she describes as a "two hundred dollar jogging suit," and her designer jogging suit, believe or not, practically screamed The Parachute Club.

After enduring the film's goofy opening scene (a guy in a bear suit causes havoc on a construction site) and an opening credits sequence set to a song that was the definition of Yello-esque, we meet our principle cast. From what I gathered by paying attention to what the characters were saying, Eve needs money, Linnie is about to get married and Marsha... Well, Marsha, to put it in the crudest terms possible, just wants to get laid.

How about those guys a few cars back who are also waiting to get into Weewankah Park? What am I saying? Those guys are heavy metalers, and we all know how Marsha feels about heavy metalers. (Are you sure "heavy metalers" is the right term? I mean, I thought "headbanger" was the preferred nomenclature.) It is. But Marsha calls them heavy metalers. Which, in a weird way, makes me like her even more.

When the spiky-haired heavy metaler, Johnny Rocket (Peter Virgile) starts smashing his dark-haired pal, Louis (Louis Tucci), against the side of their van, Marsha says: "Violence is so passe."

Finally entering the camp... Though, you have to wonder how Johnny Rocket and Louis managed to get past Corky (Andrew Jackson), the park's sycophantic head of security? It wouldn't take much for Corky–who, on top of being sycophantic, is a real asshole–to send the heavy metalers packing. Hell, just looking at them would be enough. What I think happened was, Corky temporarily left his post to help Mr. Rancewell (Walter Massey), the area's resident evil businessman.

It would seem that Louis and Johnny Rocket and Eve, Linnie and Marsha have a lot to learn about camping, as both their attempts to prepare food are met with failure. To make matters worse, the women mistake one of Marsha's belts for a snake and Louis's Gerontophobia is brought to forefront when he discovers the camp site next to theirs is occupied by an elderly couple named Tallahassee Ray (Rummy Bishop) and Ethel (Jessica Booker). Upon seeing them, Louis says, "Old people.... weird, man."

Remember when I said that Eve "needs money"? Well, she needs it for collage. And she figures she can earn a quick 5000 bucks by winning the "Wilderness Challenge," a race that involves swimming, running, kayaking and orienteering, or, as Louis calls it, "oriental-teering."

This plan hits a bit of a snag when we discover that Eve doesn't know jack-shit about orienteering. And, to make matters worse, all the orienteering classes are booked solid. So what's a freckle-covered redhead with alabaster thighs to do? After rebuffing her first request to help her, Truckie Honeycutt (James Wilder), the owner of the Honeycutt Market, is given no choice but to help her when Eve threatens to reveal Truckie's secret identity. That's right, Truckie is a mild-mannered store owner by day, a bear suit-wearing environmental activist by night.

You see, while wandering the woods, Eve spotted a man carrying what looked a bear suit through the woods. She didn't see his face, but she did see his ass (which was packaged in a pair of tight cut-off jean shorts). Well, later that day, Eve saw that ass again (packaged in the same tight cut-off jean shorts). Anyone wanna guess who was attached to that ass? Yep, it was none other than Truckie.

Oh, and don't feel too sorry for Truckie for being saddled with a name like Truckie, his younger brother's name after all is Trailor (Christopher Bolton); who, by the way, spends the majority of the movie hitting on Linnie.

While Linnie is busy giving random dudes "haircuts" and Eve is out "orienteering" in the woods with Truckie, Marsha has decided to snag herself a man. Grabbing her trusty binoculars and slipping into a Adrienne Vittadini one-piece bathing suit, Marsha scopes the beach for man candy.

Spotting a colossal man-babe in the water, Marsha positions herself on the dock so that the first things he sees when he comes ashore are her sexy stems. Repositioning her legs in order to maximize their impact on the male viewer, Marsha uses her shapely lower half the same way a fishermen uses a lure to land himself a mackerel or a bass.

To surprise of no-one, Marsha catches her prey with relative ease. What is a surprise, however, is the identity of the man she caught. Yep, the guy Marsha snagged by employing her first-rate gams is none other than Johnny Rocket. Robbed of his spiky hair, make-up, leather jacket and chains, Marsha doesn't seem to realize that she has just fallen for a heavy metaler!

Will Marsha be able to put aside her prejudice towards heavy metalers and embrace the power of love? Will Linnie run out of men to give haircuts to? Will Eve win the Wilderness Challenge? Will Louis get over his fear of old people? Will...

Enough with the questions, tell the nice people if this film is good or not. Right. So, yeah, it's good and junk. In fact, it was more than good. It was refreshing to watch a camp-based movie that doesn't involve a masked psycho-killer murdering teens or one that has to rely so heavily on crass humour. Boasting a strong pro-environmental message, State Park (a.k.a. Heavy Metal Summer) taught me that you shouldn't judge people based on their clothing, some old people are not lame, and slow and steady does in fact win the race.