Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (Rob Hedden, 1989)

It was pretty obvious, judging by the words I typed, that the intrinsic allure of Diana Barrows in a short skirt was what drew me to the hackneyed glow emanating from Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood. And it's pretty obvious what drew me to Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, the–in case you're like me, and are hopeless when it comes to Roman numerals–eighth film in the inexplicably popular horror franchise. Care to guess why I was drawn to the sequel? Anybody? That's right, Jason Voorhees, the world's most famous drowning victim, is hitting the streets of New York City, the Big Apple, baby! The city so nice they named it twice. Sick of killing horny teenagers out in the sticks, Jason sets his eyes on the people of New York City. Holy shit! This is going to be sweet. Just a second, someone wants to whisper something in my ear. - Could you hold on a second, I'm trying to write about Jason Voorhees roaming Times Square in search of supple adolescent flesh to penetrate with a wide array of foreign objects. What's that? You say it's pertinent to what I'm currently writing about. Okay, then go ahead. Uh-huh. You don't say. An hour?!? Really? - Hey, I'm back. Well, according to my whispering friend, it would appear that I'm not currently writing about Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan. What am I writing about? Would it shock you to learn that I just watched Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes East Vancouver. Oh, I see. All right, so what. They substituted Vancouver for New York City, lot's of films do that. They [the producers] save money that way. Let me rephrase that, I just watched Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Sails the High Seas. But Jason does eventually walk the rain-soaked streets of East Vancouver masquerading as Manhattan, right? Yeah, after we spend an hour aboard a rusty Panamanian freighter with a bunch of annoying teenagers.

These annoying teenagers you speak of, please tell me they're at least transplanted New Yorkers. What? No, they're not New Yorkers. Okay, so, why the hell am I watching this? And don't say fashion. I'm afraid you're watching this for the fashion. But it's 1989. What's that got to do with anything? I'll tell you what, it's probably one of the most heinous years the decade ever spawned in terms of fashion. I thought you loved '80s fashion. Yeah, I do, but 1989 is a separate entity all-together. I don't know what was going on during that particular year, but even I have to question the taste of some of these people.

However, I'm not looking at you, Saffron Henderson. Your Pia Zadora meets Chrissy Amphlett of The Divinyls with a touch of Joan Jett look was beyond topiary. Unfortunately, writer-director Rob Hedden botches your potential as a style icon at every turn. First things first, Rob, you killed her first. What were you thinking, man? Okay, technically, Saffron wasn't the first to die in the film, that honour goes to Jim (Todd Caldecott) and Suzi (Tiffany Paulson), a couple of teens who were boating on Crystal Lake. But she's the first die aboard the Lazarus, the rusty Panamanian freighter I mentioned earlier.

Secondly, there were no full body shots of Saffron's J.J. Jarrett, part-time cuttie pie, full-time rock 'n' roller. Huh? I wanted to see the entirety of her leather-friendly outfit, yet Rob Hedden failed to provide me with one.

The killing of J.J. Jarrett pretty much sums up what's wrong with these films. But you have only watched two. That's true, but I can tell already that they're made by people with little imagination. If I see something in the other chapters (if I ever get around to them) that changes my mind, I will gladly point it out. In the meantime, the handling of J.J. Jarrett, or, I should say, the mishandling of J.J. Jarrett, definitely put me in a foul mood. I mean, why introduce a character who's so appealing from a visual point-of-view, only to kill her off almost immediately? It's fucked up. Let it go, dude.

I'll let it go, but I reserve the right to complain about it later on down the road. Quirky fun-fact: Saffron Henderson is the daughter of Bill Henderson from the band Chilliwack.

Things start off promising, as we're given a brief taste of the sights and sounds of New York City after dark. Aptly paired with the song "Darkest Side of the Night" by Metropolis, the opening shows footage of punks hanging out in Times Square, junkies shooting up, yuppies being mugged, the director's sister pouring coffee for a mildly deranged customer at a diner, and commuters riding on the subway.

What's great about this opening sequence is that we'll being running into them all later on in the film. Only problem is, we have to wait a whole hour to do so. Until then, Jason Voorhees, played yet again by the appropriately menacing Kane Hodder, is resurrected by a couple of sexually active teens on a boat; some nonsense involving an anchor cutting into an underwater electrical cable. At any rate, the male teen does tell the female teen (a white pantie enthusiast with lower back dimples) the story of Jason Voorhees, which I found to be highly informative.

Since Jason Voorhees knows nothing about sailing, the boat he's on drifts toward the harbour. Disembarking from the dead teen's boat, Jason hitches a ride on the Lazarus, a freighter that's been chartered by the graduating class of some high school; Crystal Lake High, maybe?

Eww, what's with the frizzy hair? Huh? Look at their hair. Who's hair? Rennie Wickman (Jensen Dagget), a thoughtful teen who is skittish around water and Colleen Van Deusen (Barbara Bingham), her English Teacher. Their hair is atrocious. It's a good thing Rennie is wearing that crazy vest or else I would have disowned her ass; normally I would say, "shapely ass," but we don't get to see Rennie's ass in this movie, so I can't confirm if it's shapely or not, which is a shame.

I have a question: If Rennie is so skittish around water, why is she getting on a Panamanian freighter? Excellent question. And that's exactly what Charles McCulloch (Peter Mark Richman), Rennie's uncle and the school's principal, would like to know. He gives Colleen a disapproving look, but reluctantly allows Rennie and her dog to come aboard.

After a brief montage that features shuffleboard, skeet shooting, and disco dancing in denim skirts, we spot a couple making out near the ship's stern. No biggie, right? Wrong! Both are wearing blue jeans with black leather shoes and white socks! I feel like my eyes have just been scratched an armada of super-tiny rakes.

Is it okay if I skip past the next part? Why? Well, Saffron Henderson is about to appear onscreen, and just thinking about what happens to her makes me sad. Don't be such a baby. Okay, fine. Playing her pink-accented Gibson Flying V on the ship's upper deck, a leather clad J.J. Jarrett is rocking out while Wayne (Martin Cummins) films her with his hulking video camera. Deciding that her guitar will probably sound better in the engine room, J.J. heads down there unknowing that a hockey-masked killer is waiting for her.

Why didn't Wayne and his busy shirt go down with J.J. to the engine room? Well, for one thing, he's a damned fool. Excuse me, but wouldn't he have been killed by Jason if he went down below with J.J.? Good point. What I should have said was: He was a fool for not being into J.J. In the long run, however, it doesn't matter, as most of these people aren't going to make it to New York City alive. So, you mean we're still going to New York City? Yeah, but the film is taking its sweet time getting us there.

While we wait, please enjoy the sight of Kelly Wu in suspenders. And since this is 1989, Kelly wears her suspenders in an unorthodox manner.

Who's that vision of cattiness standing next to Kelly Hu? Oh, that's the wonderfully unpleasant Tamara Mason. Played by Sharlene Martin, Tamara is the film's resident hosebeast. And I must say, she does a bang up job when comes to dispensing beastly properties that are hose-like in nature. Don't believe me, check out the scene where she pretends to accidentally push Rennie off the ship. Does Tamara know that Rennie is afraid of water and is currently being haunted by the ghost of Jason Voorhees? Well, duh! Of course she knows that. Man, what a hosebeast. Yeah, tell me about it, she rules.

And get this, Tamara didn't just push Rennie into a kiddie pool or even a serene lake up in the mountains, uh-uh, she pushes her into the freakin' ocean!!!

Call me sane, but I think Tamara is my new favourite character in the Friday the 13th universe. Did I mention she does cocaine? It's true, she totally does, cocaine, that is (cocaine, by the way is cool, while crack will always be whack). A cocaine-snorting hosebeast who pushes skittish, frizzy-haired basket cases in the ocean and is best friends with Kelly mother-scratching Hu? I love Tamara Mason.

I'm not trying to make your head explode or anything like that, but Tamara draws her biology project on her body. Huh? I don't get it either. But she uses these drawings and along with a black bra and matching panties to seduce Mr. McCulloch.

Are they in New York City yet? Not quite. Jason has more people to kill. Let me guess, Tamara and Kelly Hu aren't going to make it to New York. Well, the latter is a hosebeast. And hosebeasts rarely make it to the end in these films. So, probably not.

On the positive side, when we finally do arrive in NYC, we get to witness the epic rooftop the battle between Julius (Vincent Craig Dupree), a boxer/badass, and Jason Voorhees, a former drowning victim turned mindless killing machine. Using his skills as a boxer, Julius pummels Jason with dozens of head and body blows. It doesn't make up for the fact that Tamara, J.J., and Kelly Hu didn't make it to New York, but Julius vs. Jason is definitely worth the wait. While thirty minutes in Manhattan might seem like a rip off, the scenes on the boat were not as tedious as I thought they would be. Oh, and did I mention that Tamara totally pushes Rennie into the freakin' ocean!!! The Ocean!!!

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (Jon Carl Buechler, 1988)

Tired of constantly being cast aside like some sort of non-leggy nonentity with some sort of hyper-contagious pussy disease, Maddy–last name unavailable due to either indifference or substandard screenwriting, though, my money is on the former, as the script is surprisingly well-written–has decided that she's had enough. Had enough of what, you ask? Well, if you watch Jon Carl Buechler's Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, like I just did, you too can totally find out what Maddy has had enough of. You can see it brewing on Maddy's face the moment we meet her in one of the houses situated on the picturesque shores of Crystal Lake. As each new scene begins, the amazing Diana Barrows (My Mom's a Werewolf), the actress whose job it is to bring Maddy to life, slowly unveils her character's frustration with the events that are transpiring right before her equally frustrated eyes at the surprise birthday party for a friend named Michael (William Butler). Okay, I've let this charade go on for long enough. Charade?!? What are you talking about? I mentioned the title of the film. Hell, I even name-dropped "Crystal Lake." What more do you want? It's not that, it's just that I couldn't help but notice that Diana Barrows gets tenth billing or something ridiculous like that. Actually, I think it was more like, seventh or eighth. But what's you point? Are you sure she deserves this amount of attention? Am I sure? What the fuck? Listen, buddy. If it wasn't for Diana Barrows, I wouldn't have even watched this film.

Oh, sure, the fact the film also features Heidi Kozak (Society) and five, count 'em, five, songs by FM made the decision to seek out the seventh chapter in the mildly storied horror franchise a whole lot easier. But make no mistake, Diana Barrows was the sole reason I dipped my toe in Crystal Lake in the first place.

It sounds like you have never seen a Friday the 13th movie before. And if that's case, what kind of person starts off their trip to Crystal Lake by watching part seven? Wait, let me guess, you're the kind of person, aren't you? You got that right. What I'd like to know is, what kind of person doesn't start off their foray into the mindless world of Jason Voorhees by watching part seven? In my mind, part seven looked like it had the most promise. At any rate, I've been known to peruse the occasional issue of Fangoria every now and then (i.e. issues with Lina Romay and/or Barbara Crampton on the cover), but wouldn't call myself a gorehound. That being said, the kills in this film, and, believe me, there are plenty of kills (a quick look at the film's expansive cast list backs this claim up), all seem to be mostly bloodless affairs. And you know what means? That's right, no arterial spray. Hold up, I thought you said you weren't a "gorehound"? Yeah, I'm not. But I do loves me some well-engineered arterial spray.

However, like I said, this film has no arterial spray to speak of. In fact, the only thing sprayed in this film is a mouthful of beer spewed all over the back of Melissa (Susan Jennifer Sullivan), the film's resident hosebeast, by David (John Renfield), the guy who fails to notice the shapely gams attached to the adorable torso belonging to–you guessed it–Maddy; her legs will not go unnoticed.

Okay, since the gore has been neutered, no doubt by the dreaded MPAA, what do you plan to write about? Wow, that's a tough question. Just kidding. My Friday the 13th reviews are going to be all about fashion and hosebeasts.

Getting back to Maddy for a second, the reason David fails to notice Maddy's shapely stems is because he never got a chance to see them in all their shapely glory. And, if you think about it, that's the most tragic aspect about Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood. I guess you could say the fact that almost everyone is murdered is tragic, but I still think unappreciated gams are more so.

What's really frustrating, gore-wise, is that there's more gore in the pre-opening credits prologue than there is in the entire film itself. Either way, it's a good thing the prologue was there, as it gave a Friday the 13th neophyte like myself a quick refresher course on what took place in the previous movie. And it would seem that Jason Voorhees (Kane Hodder) is currently languishing at the bottom of Crystal Lake.

Cursed to keep coming back to life to kill all the teenagers and adult hangers-on who dare to disturb his watery grave (he famously drowned in the lake as a child), Jason is resurrected by Tina Shepard (Lar Park Lincoln), a psychic teen with the same genetic structure that of actress Amy Smart (Crank: High Voltage). Haunted by the fact that she accidentally killed her father as a child (she caused the dock he was standing on to collapse with her mind), Tina is brought back to scene of that traumatic event by her mother (Susan Blu) and the shady Dr. Crews (Terry Kiser), a psychiatrist who thinks Tina is ready to confront her demons in the real world.

Oh, and you wanna guess the name of the lake where Tina killed her father? That's right, it's Crystal Lake, the very same lake where Jason Voorhees met his demise.

I'm no math whiz, but that doesn't sound like a lot of people for Jason Voorhees to kill. I mean, you listed, like, three people. Don't worry, the house next to Tina's place is filled to the brim with horny teenagers. They're apparently throwing a surprise birthday party for guy named Michael, the cousin of Nick (Kevin Spirtas), a hunky guy who awkwardly greets Tina when she arrives... at Crystal Lake.

You'll notice as Nick is awkwardly greeting Tina (he drops her suitcase, causing her delicate unmentionables to spill all over the gravel driveway) that Sandra (Heidi Kozak) and Melissa are watching from the comfort of their beach chairs. Clad in bikinis and drinking the latest soft drinks currently on the market, Melissa, for dramatic effect, pulls down her sunglasses from their normal position, and makes her first catty comment. I think she says something along the lines of: "There goes the neighbourhood." Well, whatever it what was that she said, it's clear that Jason Voorhees isn't the only one gunning for Tina.

Speaking of Jason, later that night, Tina inadvertently resurrects Jason Voorhees while moping near the lake. Wait, lake adjacent moping caused to Jason Voorhees to come back to life? Well, you see, Tina's telekinetic powers are at their strongest when she's emotionally distraught. And, the last time I checked, moping near a large body of fresh water is a legitimate form of adolescent agitation.

Soaking wet and covered with wounds (dig the exposed spine, bro), Jason Voorhees doesn't waste much time finding some horny teens to slaughter. Unfortunately, the first teens he stumbles across are Michael and his denim-attired ladyfriend Jane (Staci Greason) just as they were making their way to the lake. Hold on, isn't Michael the birthday boy? Yep. Aww, man, that's a shame. He also stumbles across some campers, too; bashing the female camper against a tree while she was still in her sleeping bag. Ouch.

When Nick, unaware that his cousin has been brutally murdered by a zombie in an old-timey goalie mask, invites Tina to come over to the party, we're introduced to even more teens. Yay! More teens means more machete fodder for Jason. And, most importantly, we're introduced to Maddy (Diana Barrows), a frumpy girl who, according to her friend Robin (Elizabeth Kaitan), could use "a little touch-up work." I know, some friend, eh? But the reason for the diss was because of David, the guy Maddy and Robin both have their eye on. And what Robin was trying to do was undermine her confidence; it's what teenage girls supposedly do to one another. Anyway, an annoying wannabe horror director named Eddie (Jeff Bennett), and Ben (Craig Thomas) and Kate (Diane Almeida), a nondescript couple, are introduced as well. I'm probably missing someone, but my attention is obviously elsewhere.

Am I crazy, or is Heidi Kozak wearing the exact same outfit (a pair of cut-off jean shorts and a yellow top) that she wore in Slumber Party Massacre II? Both films were made around the same time, so it's technically possible. But still, it's highly unusual. Costume recycling notwithstanding, Heidi Kozak looks amazing in this get-up.

Remember when Robin, who I think was wearing a yellow blazer at the time, tells Maddy that she needs "a little touch-up work"? Well, that comment has the opposite effect on her, as it motivates her to give herself a makeover. Instead of wallowing on the couch in self-pity, Maddy marches upstairs and busts out the lipstick.

That's right, it's Maddy makeover time. Even though I have only one Friday the 13th film under my belt so far, I can safely say that Maddy's makeover scene and the subsequent stalking sequence are probably the greatest the franchise has to offer in terms of fashion and stalking.

After putting the finishing touches on her lipstick, Maddy says to herself, "'Need a little touch-up' my ass." Yeah, baby! Work it, girl!

Wearing a super-short light blue dress, a white belt, and a pair of white pumps, Maddy and her legs are ready to wow David. Only problem being, she can't seem to find him? Now, I don't know what lead her to believe that he might be out in the woods. But nonetheless, that's where she looks.

Call me perverted, but I could have sworn I saw the top of Maddy's stockings when she crawls underneath a tool shed door. Yeah, you know what? I'm officially adding tan stockings to Maddy's ensemble. And in doing so, I just made the Maddy vs. Jason Voorhees sequence even greater. You're welcome, perverts.

It helps that Diana Barrows, on top of being a fine actress, is also a terrific screamer.

Holding her white pumps in her hand, Maddy awaits her fate. Which is something the other characters aren't given. What I mean is, the others are merely killed without much fanfare (each is summarily executed after coitus). Whereas Maddy's death sequence contains all the elements horror fans look for in a good kill.

In case you haven't heard, I'm new to the franchise. But Tina going toe-to-toe with Jason Voorhees can't be a normal sight in the Friday the 13th universe. In fact, I've read that Tina is one of the few characters who actually fights back against Jason Voorhees (she even causes Jason to employ several "what the fuck" head turns). Using her telekinesis to thwart Jason's many attempts to kill her, I thought Tina, not Jason, was the real threat in this movie (she removes his trademark goalie mask by simply raising her left eyebrow).

Adding everything I just mentioned about Diana Barrows and Heidi Kozak, I will be genuinely shocked if any of the other movies (holy crap, it says here they made ten films) can top the erratic awesomeness that Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood puts out there on a semi-regular basis.