Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (Joseph Zito, 1984)

In order to prevent myself from experiencing Friday the 13th fatigue, I recently decided to start watch 'em two at a time. At first I thought I had made the right call, as I wasn't experiencing any fatigue whatsoever. Sure, there was some mild mental erosion and a shitload of regret, but no fatigue. Well, after recently enduring Part III and the so-called "The Final Chapter" back-to-back, I have to admit, I'm starting to feel a tad sluggish. Repeatedly hitting me over the head with the same tired formula, the Friday the 13th franchise has got to be one the of the most artistically bankrupt in movie history. Other than a few variations here and there, every film is exactly the same. Since I'm writing about it, let's take, for example, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (the fourth film in the teens in peril slasher series), which opens with Jason Voorhees (the world's most famous deformed drowning victim) coming back to life.  Given that it's way too early for Jason to be killing the film's leads, he usually targets secondary characters who just happen to be in the area (a.k.a. bit part machete fodder). After these people are murdered, we're usually introduced to a young sexually inactive woman who lives with her mother in a house near a large body of water. And then suddenly, like a clockwork, a car, or a van, filled with horny (sexually active) teenagers shows up and moves in next-door.

The young sexually inactive woman develops a crush on one of the car/van boys at some point during the film, but he's typically killed by Jason just as she's about to put the moves on him. But he's not the first teen to die. No, that honour is usually reserved for the most sexually active (female) member of the group.

I'm sure this has been said a thousand times before, but I think these films are trying to say that sex is bad. Or at least they're trying to imply that if you have sex, you will be brutally murdered. On the other hand, if you don't have sex, you might live to see the end credits.

What am I saying? Trying to imply?!? These films are blatantly anti-sex. In fact, they're downright puritan at times. Ugh, I can't believe I just watched... Wait, how many have I watched so far? 1, 2, 3... Okay. Someone call an ambulance, I've just been subjected to six puritan propaganda films. Luckily for me, I watched them in groups of two, so their corrosive message had little effect on my psyche. But still, you should add "dirty and ashamed" to the long list of things these films have caused me to feel.

While it's obvious that these films have a pro-abstinence agenda, that doesn't mean a skilled degenerate like myself can't find tiny droplets of perversion languishing between all the film's sexless sermonizing.

Even though a major hurt is coming their way, we can still enjoy the puerile antics of the film's vagina and cock-starved characters; who, like I said, just arrived and are ready to party like it's 1984.

After a lengthy recap that features clips from parts 1, 2 and 3 and a dull opening credits sequence, we're whisked to the hospital where Jason's "dead body" was taken. The reason I put the phrase "dead body"in quotes is because Jason ain't dead. In a shocking twist, Jason comes back to life to kill more teenagers.

Of course, he can't kill any teenagers this early in the movie, so, he settles instead on a sexy nurse (Lisa Freeman, Savage Streets) and a horny orderly named Axel (Bruce Mahler, Rabbi Glickman from Seinfeld). The best part of this sequence is not that Axel's head is cut off with a saw, but the fact he's watching Aerobicise just before he loses it (his head).

Technically, I should mention that the film's lead character is introduced in the next scene, but the sight of Corey Feldman (National Lampoon's Last Resort) playing Zaxxon in an alien mask is too distracting. A fedora-less Corey Feldman plays Tommy Jarvis, the younger brother of Trish Jarvis (Kimberly Beck, Roller Boogie), who is anxious because six teenagers are apparently moving in next-door.

When I saw that the six teenagers were four boys and two girls, I let out an annoyed sigh. That being said, two of the male of teens are played by Lawrence Monoson (The Last American Virgin) and Crispin Glover (Rubin and Ed). And since these two are the film's most capable actors, they're given a long dialogue scene in the back of the car where their characters, Ted and Jimmy, discuss matters of the heart.

After Ted calls Jimmy a "dead fuck," and after they fail to pick a hitchhiker (Bonnie Hellman), the six teens arrive at their destination (the hitchhiker, of course, is killed by Jason moments after the teens drive by her without stopping).

Since the other characters were virtually ignored during the car ride, we learn a little about the group's two female members. It would seem that Samantha (Judie Aronson, Weird Science) is a bit of a skank, and that Sara (Barbara Howard) is not... a bit of a skank. Hmmm, I wonder which of these young ladies is going to be murdered by Jason first.

In order to even up the female to male ratio, twins Tina (Camilla More) and Terri (Carey More) are introduced (they just happened to riding their bikes along the same path the teens were).

Of course, Crispin Glover sees this sudden influx of semi-attractive twins as an opportunity to prove to The Last American Virgin that he isn't a dead fuck. And what better way to disprove this than by dancing spastically to "Love is a Lie" by Lion for Terri's benefit?

I don't know what I liked better, the sight of Crispin Glover dancing to heavy metal party rock or Kimberly Beck's predilection for prancing around in shirt dresses. It's a tough call. But I will say this, Crispin Glover's dance is the only thing in this movie that didn't smack of trite tedium. Similar to Tiffany Helm's scene in Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, Crispin injects the film with a much needed dose of creativity.

In fact, the only thing that director Joseph Zito (the man responsible for the bland and uninspired The Prowler, a film totally not worthy of the HOSI touch) gets right in this film is his decision to allow Crispin to choreograph his own dance moves. At any rate, while not as terrible as Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives and Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter proves that the franchise was already starting to overstay its welcome. Oh, and unless I change my mind, that's it as far as Friday the 13th movies go. I'm done, see ya!

Friday the 13th Part III (Steve Miner, 1982)

Just a second, I want to listen to the theme song from this movie one more time before I begin. And... done. As usual, I was in a foul mood before I sat down to watch Friday the 13th Part III, the third film in the inexplicably popular horror franchise about a... well, you know what. And the opening scene, an extended recap detailing the events that occurred at the end of Part II, did nothing but exacerbate the foul nature of my mood (the most annoying thing about watching the Friday the 13th movies in reverse is the recap scenes pretty much ruin the endings of the previous chapters). Mildly irritated over the fact that yet another ending of a Friday the 13th was spoiled, I tried to put on a brave face as I prepared myself for the mediocrity that was surely to follow. To my surprise, however, this one unleashes the disco-tinged awesomeness that is this movies' theme music. Playing over the opening and closing credits (it's also heard briefly during the grocery store scene), the theme, by composer Harry Manfredini, managed to lift my spirits.

I know, you're thinking to yourself: Sure, the music that bookends the film is great and all, but there's still ninety-something minutes of "movie" to endure. In other words, I don't care how amazing the film's theme is, you're still going to have wade through what looks like a pretty formulaic teens in peril slasher movie.

You might be right, it does look like a "formulaic teens in peril slasher movie." But let's get one thing straight: There's nothing formulaic, or teenage, for that matter, about Cheri Maugans' knees.

(Most people when talking about Friday the 13th Part III will usually mention the fact this is the film where Jason Voorhees first dons his famous hockey mask, or the fact that this chapter is in 3-D before they inevitably start talking about Cheri Maugans' knees, but you played the Cheri Maugans knee card right away.)

First of all, I didn't play the Cheri Maugans knee card right away. As you can clearly see, I talked about the dangers of watching the Friday the 13th movies in reverse and Harry Manfredini's theme music before I breathed a perverted breath about Cheri Maugans' knees.

And secondly, who in their right mind wouldn't talk about Cheri Maugans' knees before all that other junk? Unless, of course, you have an aversion to sexy babes with agreeable knees. And judging by the cut of most of your jibs, I'd say you're totally down with the trajectory this review is currently taking.

Don't worry, I'll get to the foursome of slinky brunettes who vie for our attention during the bulk of this film's running time. I just want to bask in the sonic bouquet that is Harry Manfredini's theme music and revel in the irregular attractiveness that is Cheri Maugans a little while longer before I'm dragged–no doubt kicking and screaming–back into the ho-hum realm that is this uninspired franchise.

Since the aforementioned slinky brunettes and their male companions can't be killed by Jason right away, the film introduces what I like to call "bit part machete fodder." Characters, usually non-teens, who are introduced merely to be murdered in order to keep the audience's bloodlust satisfied until the second act mayhem gets underway.

Most of the time, the machete fodder aren't that interesting as far as characters goes. But sometimes the bit part machete fodder can surprise us. And that's exactly what Cheri Maugans does as "Edna," a woman who runs a market with her husband Harold (Steve Susskind). Now, the average Friday the 13th fan will take one look at Edna and think: "What a hosebeast." Not me, I saw Edna as a forthright go-getter with, yes, terrific gams.

Constantly nagging her husband to be less of a fuck up, Edna hurls a barrage of emasculating put-downs at him while bringing in the laundry (she can multitask like nobody's business). It's at around this time that Edna learns about the slaughter that took place nearby in the previous film on the news. Even though she's disturbed by what she hears, that doesn't stop her from berating Harold, who she finds trying to find solace with a bunny rabbit in the snack cake aisle.

The cool thing about the demise of Edna and Harold is that they're stalked and killed by a mask-less Jason; no hood either.

It's true, I was sad to see Edna go, but she served her purpose. If I ever do a Top 10 Friday the 13th Hotties list, I won't forget you Edna.

Arriving right on time, a van filled with slinky brunettes and their male companions appears onscreen. But wait, I thought there were four slinky brunettes, I only see three. What gives? Never mind, they're picking up the fourth slinky brunette at her house as we speak.

Don't get me wrong, I love slinky brunettes. But don't you think having four onscreen at the same time will confuse the audience? You would think that having one of the slinky brunettes, Vera Sanchez (Catherine Parks), be Latino would help alleviate some of the confusion. But it doesn't, as she's not that Latino, if you know what I mean. No, we're pretty much stuck with four dark-haired white chicks with indistinguishable personalities. *sigh*

It would seem that SCTV's parody of 3-D wasn't that far off in terms of accuracy, as Chili (Rachel Howard), the stoner brunette, just shoved a lit joint toward the camera, giving us our first taste of 3-D. Other items shoved in our faces over the course of the film include: Yo-yo's, eyeballs, spears, pitchforks and blood.

Okay, let's see, so far I've mentioned Vera, the Latino brunette, and Chili, the stoner brunette, who am I forgetting?  All right, so, there's Chris Higgins (Dana Kimmell) and Debbie (Tracie Savage). Now, how should I sum up their characters? Well, Debbie's easy, she's obviously the blue bikini brunette, as she famously dons a blue bikini shortly after the teen arrive at "Higgins Haven." But what about Chris? How 'bout, the brunette brunette? Nah. The buzzkill brunette? That's a bit better. The axe-wielding brunette?

How do you denote someone a brunette-themed nickname based on their appearance or persona when they don't give you anything to work with?

Anyway, when we notice that Shelly (Larry Zerner), the group's resident prankster, has brought along with him a bag filled with horror props, we can't help but wonder if he has an old-timey hockey goalie mask tucked away somewhere in there. But before we can find out, Shelly and Vera must contend with a trio of unruly bikers. And just like Edna and Harold, the bikers, Ali (Nick Savage), Fox (Gloria Charles) and Loco (Kevin O'Brien), are nothing but bit part machete fodder. Though, at least they're somewhat interesting to look at; except for Debbie's blue bikini, none of the teens bring anything to the table in terms of fashion.

When Jason (Richard Brooker) finally does get around to targeting the film's leads, I had lost all interest in finding out who will live and who will die. And the prospect of watching one ratings board neutered kill after another wasn't that appealing either. The only things make Friday the 13th Part III worth watching are Cheri Maugans as Edna (putting rollers in her hair and having her wear a ratty-looking housecoat can't undermine her innate sex appeal), the film's theme song, and the 3-D spear-gun kill (a definite candidate for the best kill of the entire series).

Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI (Tom McLoughlin, 1986)

C'mon, you stupid movie, give me something to write about! Ugh. It just dawned on me, there are no naked breasts in this movie. Come to think of it, the only nudity in Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI comes in the form of Tom Fridley's knees poking out from the holes on his strategically ripped jeans. And I could have sworn no one says "fuck" in this movie; if you remember, the word "fuck" is overused in Friday the 13th: A New Beginning. What gives, man? Maybe the studio sent the producers a memo that said: "There is to be no nudity and no swearing in the next chapter of our highly successful horror franchise." I don't see how one can go about making a Friday the 13th movie without tits or cuss words. Well, writer-director Tom McLoughlin clearly doesn't see things that way, and has definitely done just that. (Look on the bright side, at least the film has fashion forward new wave chicks prancing about in brightly coloured clothing.) Um, yeah, about that. (What? Don't tell me. No fucking way. I'm not watching a horror flick without fashion forward new wave chicks.) I'm afraid you already have. (Aww, man. Yeah, well, I'm not watching it again.) You shouldn't be surprised. I mean, does the name "McLoughlin" sound Italian to you? Please tell me there's at least some perversion to be found in this film? 'Cause seriously, how do you go from having naked breasts and new wave dancing in every other scene (like there were in the last chapter), to having none at all? It doesn't make a lick of sense.

You say you want perversion, eh? Well, let's see. I got it. When Tommy Jarvis (Thom Mathews) and Megan Garris (Jennifer Cooke) are driving to Camp Crystal Lake, renamed Camp Forest Green (for obvious reasons), their orange Camaro runs into a police road block; Megan's dad, Sheriff Michael Garris (David Kagen), doesn't want her daughter hanging around this Tommy punk (mostly because he thinks he's trouble). In order to prevent the Sheriff's deputies from seeing her with Tommy, Megan, whose driving (it's her car after all) grabs his head and shoves it between her denim ensnared legs.

Now, I'll admit, the scene had the potential of being even more perverted had Jennifer been wearing a short skirt (preferably a red leather mini-skirt with jet black panties). But still, the fact we get two close-up shots of Jennifer's crotch is nothing to poo-poo about.

Keeping with the perversion theme, other than jettisoning the nudity and the swear words, the film doesn't deviate much from the Friday the 13th playbook. One that involves Jason Voorhees (C.J. Graham) murdering couples who are not directly connected to the film's plot. (You mean random people who are killed simply to add to the film's body count?) Exactly.

Well, the so-called couple in this film are Steven (Roger Rose) and Annette (Cynthia Kania), who, from the looks of it, just got engaged (Annette can be seen admiring the newly acquired ring on her finger when the scene commences). Why they decided to make out in the woods is anyone's guess (they're mature adults, couldn't they spring for a motel room?). Nonetheless, when Steve and Annette are about start swopping mouth spit, we can briefly see right up Annette's dress. (Wait a minute, did you say, dress?) That's right. Congratulations, Annette, you are the sole female character in Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI who dresses like a woman.

Of course, I'm not saying you have to wear a dress to be considered a woman. On the contrary, I think women should be able to wear whatever they please. However, when all the other female characters in the film dress like twelve year-old boys, even a smidgen of traditional femininity is a welcome sight.

Oh, and just because a film doesn't have nudity, doesn't mean you can't a raucous sex scene. And, boy, does this film have a doozy. Straddling him with a vice-like vigor, Nikki (Darcy DeMoss) pounds her vagina and surrounding pelvic region into Cort's cock with two tons of gusto in the back of her camper. Great, not only have I seen Tom Fridley's naked knees, I have now seen his naked stomach. (So, I take it that Tom Fridley plays this Cort fella?) You catch on fast. Anyway, I liked the aggressive manner in which Nikki went to town on Cort's cork-like penis.

(Is that it?) Is that what? (Is that it as far as perversion goes in this film?) I guess. Unless you think having Ron Palillo in your movie is somehow perverted, that's it I'm afraid.

(Are there at least some bold fashion choices to talk about? It is, after all, 1986.) None that I can think of at the moment. Oh, who am I kidding? The reason I can't think of any at the moment, is because there are none. (Nothing at all?) Zero. Nada. Zilch. Ništa.

I just remembered another perverted moment. Sure, it occurs during one of the perverted moments I already mentioned. But I think most of you will agree, it's top drawer as far as perversion goes. As Tommy's face continues to bang into Megan's crotch as a direct result of the dirt road car chase their currently engaged in (and the fact that Tommy's head is in her lap), Megan tells Tommy that she plans to lose the cops by turning onto Cunningham Road. Get it. Cunningham Road! His face is bashing against her cunt. Cunningham Road! Cunningham! Cunnilingus! Cunningham! Cunnilingus!*

And not only that, Megan warns Tommy that there's a hairy turn up ahead. Get it. Hairy turn! Hairy pussy! Tommy's face might be knocking on a hairy pussy. Knock-knock-knockin' on Megan's hairy pussy. Knock-knock-knockin' on... Okay, okay, they get it.

Who needs naked breasts when you have writing like that?

Should I even bother describing the plot? (Yeah, go ahead, but not too much.) Let's see, the film opens with Tommy and Horshack digging up Jason Voorhees' grave; the latter wants to make sure he's dead. Seeing his rotten corpse isn't enough, though, so Tommy stabs Jason's maggot-laden body with a large iron rod. Just as he's about to cover him with gasoline, the iron rod is struck by lightning. This causes Jason to spring back to life a la Frankenhooker, except Jason doesn't want a date, he wants to straight up kill your ass.

Since killing Horshack isn't going to be enough to satisfy the audience's lust for blood, some of Megan's camp counselor friends are introduced: There's Paula (Kerry Noonen), Sissy (Renée Jones), and Cort (Tom Fridley). I don't think that's going to be enough. It should be noted, by the way, that Kerry Noonen is wearing a flowery skirt with lavender tights when he character is introduced at the police station where Megan's dad works. However, the frilly nature of her skirt and the tightness of her tights are completely ignored in this scene. But then again, I'm not surprised, as this is what happens when you hire a non-Italian to make a horror film.

In order to pad things out a bit, Jason kills some people in the woods who were playing paintball. Yawn. On the plus side, this film does boast a creepy atmosphere. You'll notice the woods are much more eerie than they were in the previous chapter. Wow, I can't believe I just praised the woods. What have I become?

* I'm aware that "Cunningham Road" is probably not an allusion to cunnilingus, but a shout out to Sean S. Cunningham, director of the first Friday the 13th film. Whatever, man. I'll take my cunnilingus allusions where I can get 'em.