Troma's War (1988)

Who would have thought that a meticulously planned full-scale invasion of the United States of America would ultimately be thwarted by a woman wearing yellow flats? Sure, there were others sporting more conventional combat footwear who helped her out. But make no mistake, as far as I'm concerned, it was a practical pair of yellow flats that saved the U.S. from utter annihilation. (Whoa, be careful, man. You're using a lot of words that are considered "red flags" to some.) You mean, flats?!? (No, silly. Words like, "invasion," the "United States of America," and "annihilation," to name a few.) Jeez, you're right. Well, just to let all you paranoid reactionaries out there know, I'm writing about Troma's War, a bloated anti-war satire that envisions a hypothetical scenario that pits a small group of Tromaville residents against a gang of heavily-armed revolutionaries. (Wait, a "gang"? Judging by the sheer volume of heavily-armed revolutionaries killed in this movie, I would say they're a bit bigger than a gang. No, I would say they're an army, pure and simple.) Anyway, why I'm bothering to write about a film that pretty much looks like a nonstarter as far as fashion and titillation goes? Well, you know what they say, looks can be deceiving. Meaning, Lloyd Kaufman and co. have plenty of surprises in store for those of us who are not here to relish in what has to be the largest movie body count of all-time. And I'm not talking about thousands of people being killed off screen in some sort of natural disaster or alien attack, the producers of this film make sure every death is shown in lurid squib-popping detail. Actually, now that I think about it, this flick must feature more squibs than any other film in history.

After thinking about it even more, it's safe to say that Troma's War looks exactly like the kind of movie I would have made...when I was ten years old, as the film is basically a non-stop cavalcade of gun-based violence.

I don't know where to squeeze this thought in, and I definitely don't want to forget, so, I'll just squeeze it in here. My favourite death in Troma's War, and believe me, there are plenty to choose from, has to be the guy who buys it while wearing nothing but a nondescript pair of tighty whities. The way he went flying into that puddle after being shot sent my inner ten year-old into a giddy tailspin. As a person who used to take pride in the manner in which he died, I give this particular death a ten out of ten.

Oh, and what I mean when I say that took pride in dying has to do with the fact dying was my favourite part of playing war in the school yard. What can I say? Some people enjoy killing, I prefer dying.

A Tromaville Airlines flight crashes on the beach of tropical island in the Caribbean. Amidst the rubble and the bodies of the dead, a small group of survivors gather together to assess the situation.

Not to sound cruel, but I hope someone shoots Shelly Somers (Nora Hummel) real soon, 'cause I don't know how much more of her shrill voice I can take.

I'm no good at counting and junk, but I'd say there are at least twenty survivors. If that's so, how the hell am I supposed to keep track of all these people? (Just focus on the characters that interest you. Take, for instance, the metal band.) You mean the two blonde chicks in tight pants, the black chick in the lacy pink pantyhose, and the guy in the leather vest? (Yeah, them.) Excellent idea.

The black chick, Nancy, is played by the leggy Aleida Harris, and she gets her teeth knocked out, stuffs a grenade in a bad guy's mouth, and chops pair of conjoined twins in half with a machete (don't worry, they were totally evil).

I'm not sure which blonde is which, but I do know they were played by Mary Yorio and Susan Bachli. The one in the black tights gets AIDS and kills a guy with a crossbow, while the one in the chartreuse tights gets shot in the ass by some fat fuck. (Hold on, "some fat fuck"? Show some respect, that's Joe Fleishaker, you ingrate. Anyway, what about the guy in the leather vest?) Oh, he's Sean (Alex Cserhart), he kills the director of Redneck Zombies with a guitar string. (Nice.)

Who else is there? (How 'bout the guys responsible for the nearly three hundred or so deaths that occur in this film?) Fuck yeah, I loved those guys. There's Parker (Rick Washburn), a Vietnam vet (Airbourne!) turned used car salesmen, Taylor (Sean Bowen), a no-nonsense kind of guy who digs chicks who wear flats, and Kirkland (Patrick Weathers), a not-so mild-mannered Englishmen who has a blow gun taped to his leg (it's never explained why he has a blow gun taped to his leg, but he turns out to be quite the asset to the Tromaville team).

I didn't think Jessica Dublin could ever top her milf-tastic performance in Island of Death (she gets peed on and decapitated by a bulldozer in that film), but here she is, as Dottie, wielding an M-60 like she was Rambo.

Anyone else turned on by the sight of Jessica Dublin stretching during that pre-battle training montage? Anyone?

It's not a Troma film unless there's a hot blind woman. And Troma's War does not disappoint in that regard. Blinded as a result of the plane crash, Jennifer (Lisa Petruno) might not be able to see, but she can still fire a Tubbs-style shotgun in anger and fill out a pair of white shorts like nobody's business. (Wait, they give her gun?) As she says in the movie, just point her in the right direction.

In a surprise twist, Jennifer falls for Cooney (Ara Romanoff), a tubby coward turned bona fide hero. Speaking of cowards, the less said about Wall St. weasel Hardwick (Charles Kay-Hune), the better; he's such a dick.

Am I forgetting anyone? Oh, yeah, the woman with the baby (Brenda Brock) and the old guy (Steven Crossley) with the artificial arm. Yeah, yeah, there's them. But I think I'm forgetting someone more important. The Latino chick (Lorayn Lane Deluca) in the torn red dress? Loved her attitude, but no.

I know, the tough blonde gal in the yellow flats. Yeah, Sweet Cheeks, a.k.a. Lydia (Carolyn Beauchamp), the woman with the film's highest kill count. You gotta love a woman who can operate a machine gun while wearing flats.

It's also not a Troma film unless we get a shot of some quirky-looking extras, and this criteria is met when we meet the group who are in charge with spreading AIDS across America.

As far as villains without AIDS go, I have to say, I've got a bit of a soft spot Alexis Grey as Maj. Ramirez. Sure, they never show her firing a gun, but in terms of being sexy, Alexis had it going on. Sporting a gigantic mane of teased blonde hair, black leather gloves that went all the way to her elbows, high heel leather knee-high boots, a long charcoal trench coat, and a demented grin/sneer, Alexis chews up as much scenery as Lloyd Kaufman will allow her.

Oh, and you might have noticed that I failed to mention what Alexis was wearing on her thighs (i.e. the area just north of her high heel leather knee-high boots). The reason for this has to do with the fact there are no clear shots of Alexis' body in the early going.

(In the "early going"? Does this mean there are some full body shots in the late going?) You're way ahead of me, my perverted friend. As the revolutionaries are preparing to send a group of "regular-looking" folks to the U.S. (infiltrate American society and cause chaos within), we see Maj. Ramirez organizing this event. Carrying an uzi and barking orders to her subordinates, Maj. Ramirez parades back and forth with an air of authority.

And since parading involves walking, her trench coat opens briefly with every step, giving us an unstructured view of her thighs, which were being strangled by a pair of black, lacy pantyhose.

Essentially, there are three main action scenes in Troma's War. The first being the one where Parker takes on an entire platoon by himself. The second involves Parker, Taylor, Kirkland (wielding a Steyr AUG), Lydia, and Maria rescuing the members of their group after they were captured. And the third is the survivor's valiant attempt to prevent the baddies from launching their invasion of the U.S.A. If I was forced, at gun point, of course, to choose a favourite action sequence, it would have to be the second one, as it features most of my favourite kills. And not to mention, my favourite death. Yo, guy in the tighty whities who back flips into a puddle after being shot, this review of Troma's War is dedicated to you. Airborne!!!!

The Toxic Avenger Part III: The Last Temptation of Toxie (1989)

While I haven't forgotten the leggy legacy that is Andree Maranda in the original The Toxic Avenger, it's impossible to deny the amount of girlish spunk, forthright sticktoitiveness and pure, unadulterated awesomeness that Phoebe Legere brings to the role of Claire, the extremely leggy blind girlfriend of Melvin Junko, a.k.a. The Toxie Avenger, or just plain, Toxie, in The Toxic Avenger Part III: The Last Temptation of Toxie, the third chapter in the epic saga about the hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength from New Jersey. It's hard to believe there was an actually moment in time when I thought Phoebe Legere couldn't fill Andree Maranda's red pumps. In fact, I may have even looked at Phoebe Legere with a scornful glare when she first appeared onscreen in The Toxic Avenger Part II. Nowadays, however, I look at Phoebe Legere with nothing but a childlike sense of wonder. If you can believe this, I was worried that Phoebe Legere's penchant for jerky head movements and frenzied eye-darting would be curtailed by a peskier than usual plot point. While I won't divulge what this pesky plot point entails exactly–at least not at this particular juncture–but let's just say I thought Phoebe Legere's innate creativity was going to be severely stymied by the events that this so-called pesky plot point could potentially set in motion. Let me assure you, not only does it not dampen the appeal of Phoebe Legere's outre performance, it actually enhances it. Enhances it how, you ask?

I thought you would never ask. What's that, you never did ask? Well, either way, I'm answering anyway. Even though Claire goes through serious changes in this film, it doesn't alter the fact that Pheobe Legere will bring the fullness of her unique brand of insanity to the toxic table.

You don't merely watch Phoebe Legere in The Toxic Avenger Part III: The Last Temptation of Toxie, you experience it. Have you ever heard the expression, "on the edge of your seat," used to denote something that is either thrilling or exciting? If you have, the act of sitting on edge-like surfaces is a great way to describe Phoebe Legare's performance, as you constantly feel like you're about to fall face first into her cotton-covered crotch every time she appears onscreen.

Seemingly teetering on the brink of madness from the moment she wakes up in the morning to the moment she goes to bed at night, the sheer volume of uncut brainsick Phoebe Legere is putting out there caused this viewer to pause the film on several occasions. That's right, I was so overwhelmed by the unending deluge of crazy being hurled in my not-so general direction, that I felt the need to take a breather every now and then.

Oh, and by the way, don't think for a minute that Phoebe Legere's unsoundness of mind is diminished just because she's asleep. Uh-uh, the insanity continues long after her pretty head hits the pillow. Are you ready? She sleeps in white stockings with her legs wide apart. If that doesn't sound unsound enough for you, she sleeps with an accordion between her legs. And don't forget, she lives in a shipping container in a toxic waste dump with her equally toxic boyfriend.

Welcome to Tromaville. After a brief recap of the events from the previous films, part three gets underway at Tromaville Video, where bikini-clad ladies are browsing the latest videotapes available to rent. When all of a sudden, the serenity of their tape browsing is interrupted by a gang of tattooed thugs wielding automatic weapons. Since Toxie's tromatons are still in working order, Melvin Junko: The Toxic Avenger (Ron Fazio/John Altamura) should be dropping by at any moment now. Oh, and in case you don't remember, tromatons are what Toxie uses to detect evil. Entering the video store, Toxie makes short work of the gang of tattooed thugs. Using the intestines of one unlucky tattooed thug to jump rope with and severing the hand of another with a VCR, it's obvious that Toxie hasn't lost his touch when it comes to dismembering criminals.

(Wait, I thought Toxie had ridden Tromaville of criminals?) He did. This is merely a flash-forward to the middle of the story. After the video store scene, we pick up where the last film ended. Peace and quiet has finally come to Tromaville. But what's a hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength supposed to do with no criminals destroy, no corruption to stamp out, and no toxic waste to clean up? (Hey, this sounds like the plot of part two?) You're right, it is similar. But get this, Toxie becomes a yuppie! I know, pretty gross, eh?

What we need to see right about now is a shot of Claire (Phoebe Legere), Toxie's non-seeing girlfriend, strutting her stuff down the center of Tromaville. And wouldn't you know it, the Troma gods have clearly been listening to my prayers, as we get a shot of Claire, who seems even more leggy than she does in part two (which is technically impossible since part two and three were filmed at the same time), walking down the street in the shortest skirt ever.

It should be noted that Phoebe Legere designed all the outfits she wears in both part two and part three. So, whenever you see Phoebe wearing nothing but white stockings and oven mitts, it was probably her idea.

When Toxie learns there's this new eye surgery available that can cure Claire's blindness, he seems genuinely excited. Unfortunately, it costs around 537,000 dollars. Since there's no money to made in crime-fighting, and even if there was, there's no crime to fight in Tromaville, Toxie gets a job at the IRS. When that doesn't work out, he works at the video store. And when that doesn't... well, you get the idea.

Unable to pay for Claire's surgery, Toxie goes into an even bigger funk; he even contemplates suicide at one point.

Meanwhile, across the river in New York, Apocalypse Inc., the unabashedly evil corporation, are having a very stimulating board meeting. A plan is hatched that involves convincing Toxie to work for them. (Hold on, why would Toxie sell out and work for Apocalypse Inc.?) Um, he can't afford to pay for Claire's surgery. And on top of that, it's 1989. Meaning, it was cool back then to jettison your principles. In other words, you can't blame Toxie for choosing to work for an evil corporation, he's just doing what society has told him and countless other to do, and that is, make as much money as you can no matter how it effects the world or those around you.

Clouded by his desire to make money, Toxie seems oblivious to the fact that he is about to become a cog in the wheel that is preparing to run over the soul of Tromaville.

Hmm, from the sounds it, you could say The Toxic Avenger Part III: The Last Temptation of Toxie is more than just a film about a hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength killing bad guys with a mop. Personally, I prefer to view the film as the best opportunity to bask in the not even close to being undue length of Phoebe Legere's long ass gams in a cinematic setting currently available. However, you could approach the film as a satire on the yuppification of modern society.

(Can't you view/approach the film as both?) What? (As a satire on the scourge that is yuppie scum and as a showcase for Phoebe Legere's mouth-watering stems?) I suppose you could do that. Even though it does sound like a lot of work.

Anyway, ignoring Claire's advice to put on a fresh tutu, Toxie starts his new job as a spokesmen for Apocalypse Inc.

You gotta hand it to Phoebe Legere, only she could make lying in a hospital bed seem sexy.

With his leggy girlfriend's eye operation a success (the scene where Claire sees Toxie for the very first time is very moving) and a new job that pays well, things are looking up for Toxie. Yeah, they're going great for Toxie, but what about Tromaville? The place is turning into a fascist hellhole.

Are things really all that great for Toxie? Sure, the money's nice, but the residents of Tromaville, even Phoebe, all hate this new Toxie (one who plays tennis and carries a briefcase). What will it take for Toxie to realize he's helping destroy his beloved Tromaville? He needs to see the Chairman of Apocalypse Inc. for what he really is. Now, I don't want to say who exactly the Chairman really is. But let's say he has horns and is tad on the slimy side.

A classic battle between good and evil ensues that uses the video game format (Toxie must pass five levels to attain victory). Some time around level five, Phoebe Legere wields a shotgun.

Speaking of wielding shotguns, Lisa Gaye, who plays Malfaire, an Apocalypse Inc. employee, does exactly that, wields a shotgun. But she's not as prominent as she was in part two. Which was mildly disappointing. She's got this Gina Gershon/Marica Karr/Fran Drescher vibe about her that is quite appealing.

Despite the lack of Lisa Gaye and the fact the film isn't all that gory (other than the video store scene, the film is surprisingly tame, gore-wise), The Toxic Avenger Part III is a passable chunk of filmed entertainment. Oh, and make sure to keep an eye on Phoebe Legere during Toxie's battle with the Chairman of Apocalypse Inc. as the amount of effort she puts into reacting to the events unfolding before her is off the charts as far as outré enthusiasm goes.

The Toxic Avenger Part II (1989)

Her name is different, yet she's still blind?!? I'm confused. I mean, am I supposed to believe that Melvin, a.k.a. The Toxic Avenger, or just plain Toxie, the first hideously deformed monster hero of superhuman size and strength to come from New Jersey, dumped one leggy blonde blind chick for another leggy blonde blind chick? 'Cause if that's what you're saying, I'm going to have a difficult time suspending belief while I watch The Toxic Avenger Part II, the wonderfully inevitable follow up to the first The Toxic Avenger. Seriously, where's Sara? And don't tell me Sara dumped Melvin, as there's no way she would do that. I don't have to tell you, but what Sara and Melvin had together was beyond special. (All right, before you head down to Troma headquarters with your "We Want Andree Maranda" and "Bring Back Sara" signs, I think I should tell you that Phoebe Legere plays Melvin's new girlfriend.) Is that supposed to mean something to me? We're not talking about replacing any old actress up in this here putrid toxic waste dump, we're talking about Andree Maranda, the actress voted Miss Jerky Head Movement Queen, 1983. (I don't know, "Jerky Head Movement Queen"? That sounds made-up.) You wanna know why it sounds "made-up"? Because I totally just made it up. I make things up, it's what I do (by the way, it's Miss Jerky Head Movement Queen, respect the crown, asswipe). However, unlike other people who make things up, when I make something up, it motivates those very same "other people" to achieve great things.

Now, where was I? Ah, yes. How can you replace Andree Maranda? (Well, hiring another actress is a start.) Very funny. Her jerky head movements were sublime, and the way her eyes bounced around in their sockets was truly inspirational. How do you replace that? (Well, I have two words for you: "Phoebe" and "Legere"?) Again, is that name supposed to mean something to me?

(Remember that kooky blonde in the black fishnet stockings in Mondo New York?) Oh, boy. How could I forget her. She was amazing. (Yeah, well, she's Melvin's new leggy blonde blind girlfriend. And get this, she lounges around Melvin's apartment in white lingerie for most of the movie.)

(Hello? Shouldn't you being picking your tongue off the floor right about now?) Well, you kind of expect Phoebe Legere to wear skimpy lingerie like they were regular clothes, it's a part of her schtick, so my tongue is currently where it usually is, in my mouth.

What I would really like to know is, how does her head move? (You mean does she jerk her head in a manner that was both decidedly off-kilter yet frightfully precise at time? Not only does she manage to capture the essence of Andree Maranda's award-wining jerky head movements, she adds some subtle touches of her own. Mainly, she adds body twitching and spastic convulsions to the mix.)

Body twitching and spastic convulsions?!? Have I died and gone to heaven? The only reason I ask is because jerky head movements combined with body twitching and spastic convulsions are what I live for. It's not even close to being sad, and it's 100% true.

Never quite sure which direction she was going to hurl herself next, I watched Phoebe with a sense of awe, wonder and concern. (I can understand the sense of awe and wonder, but why the concern?) It's simply, really, Phoebe Legere is so committed to acting twitchy and spastic in this film, that I thought she might hurt herself or someone around her.

Seriously, look at those legs! One errant kick to the face from one of her super-long, super-shapely appendages will guarantee an extended stay in the nearest hospital.

Anyway, after stamping out every single last trace of evil and corruption in Tromaville, Toxie (Ron Fazio/John Altamura) is basically left with no heads to crush. Oh, sure, seeing a Freudian psychiatrist and volunteering at the Tromaville Center for the Blind keeps him busy. But as we all know, Toxie excels at ripping the arms off evildoers, not helping old ladies cross the street.

With no criminals to destroy, what's a hideously deformed monster hero of superhuman size and strength to do? Don't worry, the Chairman of Apocalypse Inc. (Rick Collins) and his sultry sidekick Malfaire (Lisa Gaye) are here to fill the villain void. (I hope Toxie's happy, because a shitload of blind people had to die in order for him to get his purpose in life back.) Yeah, I guess that was rather unfortunate. On the bright side, Claire (Phoebe Legere), Toxie's gorgeous, prone to gesticulating girlfriend, didn't die in the explosion that leveled the Tomaville Center for the Blind.

When the Chairman of Apocalypse Inc. and Malfaire discover Toxie wasn't killed in the blast, they sick about a dozen or so henchmen on his charred tutu-wearing ass.

If you like gruesome kills and excessive gore you'll love the next scene; an extended fight sequence where Toxie battles a bunch of Apocalypse Inc. goons outside the ruins of the Tromaville Center for the Blind. However, if you're like me, and you would rather watch Phoebe Legere cower while in the crouched position, you'll be rewarded with a few shots of Phoebe cowering while crouching. But not enough to fully satisfy all your Phoebe Legere crouching while cowering needs. (Wait, I thought it was, "cowering while crouching," not "crouching while cowering"?) Either way, turning dwarves into basketballs supersedes anything that involves cowering or crouching or crouching or cowering over the next ten or so minutes.

After losing a ton of henchmen (their bodies ripped to shreds by Toxie), the not-so fine folks who run Apocalypse Inc. assemble to discuss their Toxie problem. You see, they're an evil corporation who want to take over Tromaville, yet they can't because, you guessed it, The Toxic Avenger won't let them. And since Lisa Gaye (her thighs, and I suppose the rest of her legs, smothered in jet black nylons) is the only actress in this film with the verbal fortitude to vomit out such an exceedingly large chunk of exposition with anything close to resembling verve, she delivers a lengthy monologue that explains the goals that Apocalypse Inc. hope to achieve over the course of this sequel.

If you listen to Malfaire's monologue, and why wouldn't you, she's only one talking when she delivers it, you will hear her describe Claire's legs as "long." I have no real point to make, I just wanted to make it known that I'm not the only one who noticed that Claire's legs are longer than usual.

On top of waxing poetically about the length of the legs attached to his girlfriend's torso, Malfaire lays out her plan to neutralize Toxie's "tromatons," the chemicals that cause Toxie to instinctively want to destroy evil. The plan involves getting Toxie to go Japan, where an anti-tromaton spray is being produced. (Couldn't they just bring the anti-tromaton spray to Tromaville?) Nah, it's too volatile. (All right. How are they going to get Toxie to travel all the way to Japan?) It's simple, really. Tell Toxie, via his shrink (who has long since sold out to Apocalypse Inc.), that his long lost father lives in Japan. Oh, and make sure to feed him some warmed-over gobbledygook about how he needs to reconcile with his father in order to attain spiritual harmony.

With Toxie busy windsurfing to Japan to find his father, Apocalypse Inc. take advantage of his absence to remake Tromaville in their own corporate image and crush all those who stand in their way.

(Did Toxie at least give Claire's aching pussy a good going away pounding with his radioactive penis before he left?) You bet he did. And not only that, Toxie and Claire had a going away picnic as well. (A going away radioactive penis pounding and a going away picnic? Is Toxie the best boyfriend or what?)

Well, Claire ain't no slouch, either. I mean, she serves up Chicken à la Clorox in white stockings for her deformed man like a pro.

Searching the Tokyo streets, with a little help from the adorable Masami (Mayako Katsugari), Toxie immerses himself in Japanese culture. In fact, he met Masami at a Taiyaki stand. He rescues her from a trio of reprobates, one has their nose turned into a Taiyaki-shaped monstrosity, another is tuned into a noodle dish in an overheated hot tub, and a demented/leggy Yôko Ohshima is transformed into a radio transmitter. More bizarre deaths occur as Toxie and Masami track down his father to a large fish market.

Anyone else notice the similarities between Masami's light blue two-piece number and the light blue two-piece Diana Barrows wears in Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood? No? It was just me, eh? Okay.

Meanwhile, in Tromaville, the Chairman of Apocalypse Inc. has a brief exchange with a homeless Tromavillian in the park. After being asked if he can spare any change, the Chairman tells her: "'Neither a borrower nor a lender be,' William Shakespeare." To which the homeless woman responds: "'Fuck you,' David Mamet." Classic.

In what could have been the film's greatest scene, but doesn't quite get there, Claire does battle with Malfaire in the cramped quarters of her shack. Wearing her trademark white stockings and playing the accordion when she arrives, Malfaire attempts to violate the leggy beauty with her probing hands. Egged on by smattering of "Bad Girls," including Helen Wheels, there's so much nylon and spandex in this scene, it will make your genitals spin. Ending with a sharp knee to the cunt, the "cat fight" scene is painfully short. Whereas the chase between Toxie and "The Dark Rider" seems to drag on forever.

Judging by the words I just typed, it would seem that The Toxic Avenger Part II was a mild success. And speaking of things that would seem, it would seem that my initial concerns regarding the whole Sara-Claire situation were completely unfounded. Kudos to Phoebe Legere for doing the impossible, making me briefly forget about Andree Maranda. And kudos to Lloyd Kaufamn for casting her. I would love to lavish more praise on Phoebe Legere, but it says here she's in The Toxic Avenger Part III. In other words, I don't want to use up all my Phoebe praise all in one go. How many of you want to bet that I use the word "leggy" more than once to describe Phoebe in part three?