Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI (Tom McLoughlin, 1986)

C'mon, you stupid movie, give me something to write about! Ugh. It just dawned on me, there are no naked breasts in this movie. Come to think of it, the only nudity in Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI comes in the form of Tom Fridley's knees poking out from the holes on his strategically ripped jeans. And I could have sworn no one says "fuck" in this movie; if you remember, the word "fuck" is overused in Friday the 13th: A New Beginning. What gives, man? Maybe the studio sent the producers a memo that said: "There is to be no nudity and no swearing in the next chapter of our highly successful horror franchise." I don't see how one can go about making a Friday the 13th movie without tits or cuss words. Well, writer-director Tom McLoughlin clearly doesn't see things that way, and has definitely done just that. (Look on the bright side, at least the film has fashion forward new wave chicks prancing about in brightly coloured clothing.) Um, yeah, about that. (What? Don't tell me. No fucking way. I'm not watching a horror flick without fashion forward new wave chicks.) I'm afraid you already have. (Aww, man. Yeah, well, I'm not watching it again.) You shouldn't be surprised. I mean, does the name "McLoughlin" sound Italian to you? Please tell me there's at least some perversion to be found in this film? 'Cause seriously, how do you go from having naked breasts and new wave dancing in every other scene (like there were in the last chapter), to having none at all? It doesn't make a lick of sense.

You say you want perversion, eh? Well, let's see. I got it. When Tommy Jarvis (Thom Mathews) and Megan Garris (Jennifer Cooke) are driving to Camp Crystal Lake, renamed Camp Forest Green (for obvious reasons), their orange Camaro runs into a police road block; Megan's dad, Sheriff Michael Garris (David Kagen), doesn't want her daughter hanging around this Tommy punk (mostly because he thinks he's trouble). In order to prevent the Sheriff's deputies from seeing her with Tommy, Megan, whose driving (it's her car after all) grabs his head and shoves it between her denim ensnared legs.

Now, I'll admit, the scene had the potential of being even more perverted had Jennifer been wearing a short skirt (preferably a red leather mini-skirt with jet black panties). But still, the fact we get two close-up shots of Jennifer's crotch is nothing to poo-poo about.

Keeping with the perversion theme, other than jettisoning the nudity and the swear words, the film doesn't deviate much from the Friday the 13th playbook. One that involves Jason Voorhees (C.J. Graham) murdering couples who are not directly connected to the film's plot. (You mean random people who are killed simply to add to the film's body count?) Exactly.

Well, the so-called couple in this film are Steven (Roger Rose) and Annette (Cynthia Kania), who, from the looks of it, just got engaged (Annette can be seen admiring the newly acquired ring on her finger when the scene commences). Why they decided to make out in the woods is anyone's guess (they're mature adults, couldn't they spring for a motel room?). Nonetheless, when Steve and Annette are about start swopping mouth spit, we can briefly see right up Annette's dress. (Wait a minute, did you say, dress?) That's right. Congratulations, Annette, you are the sole female character in Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI who dresses like a woman.

Of course, I'm not saying you have to wear a dress to be considered a woman. On the contrary, I think women should be able to wear whatever they please. However, when all the other female characters in the film dress like twelve year-old boys, even a smidgen of traditional femininity is a welcome sight.

Oh, and just because a film doesn't have nudity, doesn't mean you can't a raucous sex scene. And, boy, does this film have a doozy. Straddling him with a vice-like vigor, Nikki (Darcy DeMoss) pounds her vagina and surrounding pelvic region into Cort's cock with two tons of gusto in the back of her camper. Great, not only have I seen Tom Fridley's naked knees, I have now seen his naked stomach. (So, I take it that Tom Fridley plays this Cort fella?) You catch on fast. Anyway, I liked the aggressive manner in which Nikki went to town on Cort's cork-like penis.

(Is that it?) Is that what? (Is that it as far as perversion goes in this film?) I guess. Unless you think having Ron Palillo in your movie is somehow perverted, that's it I'm afraid.

(Are there at least some bold fashion choices to talk about? It is, after all, 1986.) None that I can think of at the moment. Oh, who am I kidding? The reason I can't think of any at the moment, is because there are none. (Nothing at all?) Zero. Nada. Zilch. Ništa.

I just remembered another perverted moment. Sure, it occurs during one of the perverted moments I already mentioned. But I think most of you will agree, it's top drawer as far as perversion goes. As Tommy's face continues to bang into Megan's crotch as a direct result of the dirt road car chase their currently engaged in (and the fact that Tommy's head is in her lap), Megan tells Tommy that she plans to lose the cops by turning onto Cunningham Road. Get it. Cunningham Road! His face is bashing against her cunt. Cunningham Road! Cunningham! Cunnilingus! Cunningham! Cunnilingus!*

And not only that, Megan warns Tommy that there's a hairy turn up ahead. Get it. Hairy turn! Hairy pussy! Tommy's face might be knocking on a hairy pussy. Knock-knock-knockin' on Megan's hairy pussy. Knock-knock-knockin' on... Okay, okay, they get it.

Who needs naked breasts when you have writing like that?

Should I even bother describing the plot? (Yeah, go ahead, but not too much.) Let's see, the film opens with Tommy and Horshack digging up Jason Voorhees' grave; the latter wants to make sure he's dead. Seeing his rotten corpse isn't enough, though, so Tommy stabs Jason's maggot-laden body with a large iron rod. Just as he's about to cover him with gasoline, the iron rod is struck by lightning. This causes Jason to spring back to life a la Frankenhooker, except Jason doesn't want a date, he wants to straight up kill your ass.

Since killing Horshack isn't going to be enough to satisfy the audience's lust for blood, some of Megan's camp counselor friends are introduced: There's Paula (Kerry Noonen), Sissy (Renée Jones), and Cort (Tom Fridley). I don't think that's going to be enough. It should be noted, by the way, that Kerry Noonen is wearing a flowery skirt with lavender tights when he character is introduced at the police station where Megan's dad works. However, the frilly nature of her skirt and the tightness of her tights are completely ignored in this scene. But then again, I'm not surprised, as this is what happens when you hire a non-Italian to make a horror film.

In order to pad things out a bit, Jason kills some people in the woods who were playing paintball. Yawn. On the plus side, this film does boast a creepy atmosphere. You'll notice the woods are much more eerie than they were in the previous chapter. Wow, I can't believe I just praised the woods. What have I become?

* I'm aware that "Cunningham Road" is probably not an allusion to cunnilingus, but a shout out to Sean S. Cunningham, director of the first Friday the 13th film. Whatever, man. I'll take my cunnilingus allusions where I can get 'em.