The New Barbarians (Enzo G. Castellari, 1983)

If your idea of paradise is a world where every car is equipped with a dome-shaped sunroof, then you my friend will love the future depicted in The New Barbarians (I Nuovi Barbari, a.k.a. Warriors of the Wasteland), yet another Italian post-apocalypse movie from Enzo G. Castellari (1990: The Bronx Warriors), as it has more dome-shaped sunroofs than Ontario Place. (I don't care if no-one knows what Ontario Place is, I've always wanted to make reference to it, and I feel this is the best opportunity to do so to come along in years.) Fine. If that reference means nothing to you, how about this: If your idea of paradise is a car that has an elongated drill installed under the hood for the sole purpose of lancing other vehicles in order to exact homoerotic comeuppance on your enemies, then you my friend are gonna love The New Barbarians, as it has more elongated drills than the men's room at a Village People concert. If, however, you're not into those things–which, even I'll admit, are things with a very limited appeal–I'm afraid you're going to be hunted down and exterminated by an unruly gang of bearded fancy boys who wear white whenever they damn well please. Speaking of fancy, who designed their outfits? Whose outfits? The Templars–you know, the bearded fancy boys. Anyway, as I was saying, the outfits worn by not only The Templars, a gang who want to punish humanity for allowing itself to be destroyed by atomic weapons by killing everyone who had the gall to survive, but almost every citizen of this rubble-strewn universe is making a bold fashion statement. It's true, your average nuclear holocaust can be murder on your wardrobe. And I'm sure the most common question asked in this post-nuke realm is: Do these torn rags go with these hole-ridden shoes? Yet, looking at the people who kill and get killed in this movie, I don't think that question is asked very often.    
 

 

I know what you're thinking, how hard is it to scrounge around dilapidated sports stadiums to find old football pads? Yeah, but, you see, they don't wear discarded sports equipment in this film. The outfits they don are designer originals. Meaning, they were specifically made with the apocalypse in mind.
 

 

Okay, smart guy. How do The Templars, the self-proclaimed "ministers of revenge," who roam the wasteland in search of humans to exterminate, make their outfits? I mean, there are no lady Templars. Are you suggesting that a gang of  bearded men need a woman to make their outfits? In that, only a woman would know how to sew? Yes, that's exactly what I'm suggesting. Well, did it ever occur to you that The Templars are all card carrying Friends of Dorothy? What does that mean? They're gay! And what do gay men do? They make outfits. 
 

 

Determined to destroy what's left of humanity after the nuclear holocaust of 2019, the movie opens with The Templars arriving at a camp filled with humans who seem just as determined to carry on living. This desire to live irks The Templars, who want to punish them. And the best way they can think of to do so is by killing them. Circling the wagons sort of speak, the humans try to hold off The Templars. But it's to no avail, there are too many of them. Swarming their makeshift base with armoured cars and motorcycle troops, The Templars make short work of their defenses. Lead by Shadow (Ennio Girolami), an overly blonde man with a large mane of hair that made him look like The Cowardly Lion from certain angles (and by "certain angles," I mean every angle), The Templars finish off the stragglers utilizing their weaponized vehicles; the aforementioned Shadow uses the flamethrower feature on his car to dispatch one straggler and Mako (Massimo Vanni), a black-bearded Templar with a purple Mohawk, uses a bladed fan attached to the side of his car to decapitate another straggler.
 

 

You know how I said Shadow was the leader of The Templars? It would seem that One (George Eastman) is their actual leader. I just assumed Shadow was in charge, because, well, he oozes leadership. And, like I said, he has that whole Cowardly Lion thing going on. I guess One doesn't take part in raids. Anyway, One rips a Bible in two and declares the world dead.
 

 

In the past, I've stated many of what I think are the benefits to living in a post-apocalyptic world. And, I won't lie, most of them involve fashion. You see, thanks to the wanton destruction, the fascists who run the fashion industry are longer in control of what people wear. That's right, people can wear whatever they want. Yeah, I know, The Templars seem just as fascistic as the people in the fashion industry; they all wear the exact same thing (a white leather jumpsuit with testicle-shaped shoulder pads). But I don't think The Templars are supposed to represent freedom of choice.
 

 

The so-called "freedom of choice onus" is actually placed squarely on the shoulders of a loner named Scorpion (Giancarlo Prete), who we meet as he's blowing away a bunch of "crazies" (ragged nomads who wear welding goggles) and an archer named Nadir (Fred Williamson), an unflappable badass who seems to act as Scorpion's guardian angel. Here's some free advice, if you don't want to get shot in the head by one of Nadir's explosive-tipped arrow, don't bring up the the whole guardian angel thing, as he seems like the kind of guy who wouldn't like to be known as a "guardian angel." Come to think of it, I wouldn't use the word "unflappable" to describe him either.
 

 

After being introduced to Scorpion's mechanic, oh, let's call him, Timmy (Giovanni Frezza), a little blonde kid who, as we'll soon find out, wields a sling-shot with deadly accuracy, we're back on the road with The Templars, who have spotted an armoured van filled, no doubt, with pesky humans. Piercing its armour with his trusty hood-mounted battering ram, Shadow proceeds to spray the inside of the van with hot flames. Two of the occupants jump from the flame-engulfed van. The male occupant is quickly taken care of by Shadow (say hello to my little phallic-shaped hood ornament friend), while Mako and his male companion decide to have little fun with the van's female occupant.
 

 

They may be on friendly terms with Dorothy, but The Templars seem to have it in for all women not named Dorothy. Huh? They don't like women. All right.. At any rate, just as Mako and his male companion are about have their way with Alma (Anna Kanakis), Scorpion steps in to save the day. Oh, and when say, "have their way with Alma," I didn't mean to imply that they were about to rape her. It's more likely that were going to torture her before eventually killing her. Now that I have cleared that up. A visibly frightened Alma, who is wearing red-tinted goggles and purple leather tights, stands between two armoured vehicles. And just as Scoprion and Mako were about to ram into each other, Shadow intervenes just in the nick of time. It would seem that Scorpion has a bit of a history with The Templars. I don't know what exactly occurred between them in the past, but apparently if anyone is going to kill Scorpion it's going to be One.
 

 

As Scorpion is driving Alma to safety (she feels comfortable enough with him that she removes her goggles), Mako is planning his revenge. I thought you said that One wants to be the one to kill Scorpion? Yeah, but that doesn't seem to stop Mako, who gathers up a small group of Templars, from acting on his own. Fans of Italian exploitation will probably notice that Frank von Kuegelgen provides the voice of Mako in the English language version of The New Barbarians; his distinctive voice can be heard in Cannibal Ferox, The House on the Edge of the Park (two films where Frank's voice is used by characters played by Giovanni Radice Lombardo) and Hell of the Living Dead. Confronting Scorpion in what looks like an abandoned quarry, Mako and his men attack him with their vehicles and energy weapons. Holy crap, did you see that fucking mannequin head come apart? (Every time a Templar loses his life, a mannequin explodes into a million pieces.) As expected, Scorpion takes care of business, with, of course, a little help from Fred Williamson.
 

 

The scene where Fred Williamson scopes Anna Kanakis' legs, which, like I said, are encased in purple leather, using the scope on his bow was one the film's few instances where heterosexual titillation was paid any sort of lip service.
 

 

As far as synth-friendly music goes, it's a whole 'nother story, as The New Barbarians is chock-full of synthy goodness. The film's score, composed by Claudio Simonetti, is a synth-lovers dream. Check out the synth flourish at around the hour and twenty-three minute mark, it will blow your mind; it occurs when Fred Williamson is stalking Templars with his trusty bow.
 

 

A glorified western where the villains have traded in their spurs for jumpsuits that make them look like sperm, The New Barbarians is your classic gay vs. straight battle. On one hand, Scorpion and Nadir want to have heterosexual intercourse with Anna Kanakis (2019: After the Fall of New York) and Iris Peynado (a dreamy-eyed wasteland resident with the wasteland's most robust side-ponytail), while The Templars want to have gay sex with each other. You could say, since the gays are depicted as the "bad guys," that the film could be construed as anti-gay. But how can any film be classified as "anti-gay" when it features a mildly chiseled man wearing see-through, gladiator-style plastic armour during the film's man-penetrating climax? Don't look at me, 'cause I don't know. All I know is that the film, while anti-gay at times, can turn pro-gay on a dime. Which, given the circumstances and time period in which the film was made, is the best we can hope for. And besides, the film ends with an interracial "gimme five," something you don't see much of nowadays. Which is a shame, really, as I love interracial gimme fives, interracial gimme tens, and, of course, interracial fist bumps.
 

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1990: The Bronx Warriors (Enzo G. Castellari, 1982)

The world of motion pictures is made up of two separate yet equally important groups. First and foremost, you have the scumbags who are obsessed with telling a compelling story. As for the other group, well, they think every film needs to end with motorcycle helmet-wearing government troops on horseback setting people's faces on fire with flamethrowers. And which group do you think 1990: The Bronx Warriors belongs to? If you chose the latter, you're obviously well aware that this Bronxsploitation yarn was directed by Enzo G. Castellari, one of them inordinately Italian men I often refer to. Who else would feature something so exceedingly badass in their movie? No-one, that's who. I don't know what it is about Italians, the apocalypse, and flamethrowers (both Rats: Night of Terror and 2019: After the Fall of the New York boast scenes with flamethrowers), but they have taken the post-apocalyptic genre to a whole new level of awesome. Taking their cues from films like, The Warriors, Escape from New York, and Mad Max, the makers of this film envision a future where The Bronx, the northernmost of the five boroughs of New York City, is a lawless land overrun by gangs. The first thing you'll notice about the residents of this unlawful version of The Bronx is their sense of fashion; it's not only on the cutting edge, it serves a practically purpose in their day to day life. On the other hand, the uptight squares living across the river in Manhattan are all dressed in bland business suits. Proving yet again that instability is good for fashion, the gang members seen throughout this film are able to freely express their inner clothes horse thanks to society's undoing.
 

 

The practical purposes of the gang clothing worn in this movie are on full display during the film's stylish opening credits sequence. Featuring a black background, each credit is accompanied by an item of clothing, an accessory, a weapon, or an example of the makeup will be seeing over the course of the film. And judging by some of the weaponized accessories, elaborate lingerie, Toyah-esque makeup I saw during the credits, it looks like I'll be wallowing in my cinematic comfort zone for the next ninety or so minutes.
 

 

For those interested, the order goes something like this: Skull rings, makeup, knife knuckle dusters, green roller skate wheels, spiky elbow pads, an undefined skull, makeup (butterfly face paint), a spear, claw rings, makeup, another undefined skull, makeup, knife boot, and, last, but not least, lingerie!
 

 

The year is 1999, and there is no law...Wait a minute. Wrong movie. The year is 1990, and The Bronx has been declared a "no-man's land," one that is ruled by bikers, hot rod driving pimps, and bowler hat-wearing tap dancers. If that's the case, why is Ann (Stefania Girolami Goodwin), a Manhattan socialite, fleeing her cushy existence across the river? I don't know, but the second she crosses the bridge, she greeted by The Zombies, a gang of roller-skating fascists who wear white German army helmets paired with red and orange knee and elbow pads, and carry hockey sticks as weapons. Even though this gang is in desperate need of a stylist, they look quite formidable. Proving that looks are deceiving, The Riders, lead by Trash (Mark Gregory) show up to teach The Zombies a lesson or two in street fighting.
 

 

After the brawl is over, Trash goes over to collect his blonde prize. Now, you would think Trash would be hostile towards Ann; after all, she's from Manhattan. But much to my surprise, Trash let's Ann join The Riders. And, get this, he doesn't merely let her ride on the back of his bike like some "girlfriend." No way, Ann gets own bike. Which we can clearly see her on as Trash and the gang rumble their way underneath The Manhattan Bridge. Parked in a w-shaped formation, The Riders stare ominously at the body of one of their own as a loner drummer wails away on a drum-kit. I'll be the first to admit, I haven't done any research about the drummer. But I have a strong feeling that the bridge drummer from 1990: The Bronx Warriors has his own cult following, as the sight of him drumming for no apparent reason is pretty fucking cool. Oh, and I also liked how none of the other characters acknowledge his presence.
 

 

Even though the opening title card states that The Bronx is ruled by The Riders, the borough's largest gang are actually called The Tigers, a dapper group who take their cues from 1930s American gangster culture and mix it together with the gaudy swagger of your typical 1970s street pimp. Arriving under the bridge with a flamboyant aplomb (we're talking flame-adorned hots rods, baby), Trash requests to have a chat with The Ogre (Fred Williamson), leader of The Tigers, who, of course, smokes thin cigars and has a leggy sidekick named Witch (Betty Dessy). Telling Trash that the dead member of his gang was a spy, The Ogre says he'll let it slide this time and gives him a stern warning. It's true, I''m not that familiar with Fred Williamson as an actor, but even I know he's not someone to be trifled with.
 

 

Accepting what The Ogre told him to be the truth, Trash instructs his gang to hit the road. You'll notice that the bespectacled Ice (Joshua Sinclair), whose nickname should be Fisher Stevens, isn't convinced  that they had an informant in their midst, and starts to plant seeds of doubt in the minds of his fellow Riders. It's early on, but I can tell already that this Fisher Stevens fella is going to be trouble. And it's obvious he doesn't like the fact that Ann has joined the gang, either.
 

 

If you're wondering if anyone in Manhattan is concerned about Ann's whereabouts, we're introduced to The Hammer (Vic Morrow), a self-proclaimed badass who has been hired by some shady corporate types to bring her back safely.
 

 

Making his presence almost immediately, The Hammer guns down two Riders, Speedy and Sandy, in the stairwell of their dilapidated hang-out. You have to wonder why The Hammer chose to kill those seemingly random bikers. But his cruel actions do lead to one of the film's most memorable sequences. And that this, Speedy and Sandy's funeral. The cremation ceremony and the act of flinging their ashes in the East River (each biker flings a bit of ash) was downright poetic. Still not convinced that the Tigers are behind the series of setbacks that have befallen The Riders as of late, Trash must contend with Ice, who has managed to rile up the troops; some of which are calling for war with the Tigers. Having to deal with a gang that is fracturing, and the pressure that ultimately come with having a Manhattanite as a girlfriend, Trash heads to the beach to clear his head.
 

 

Leaving the sensible Blade (Massimo Vanni), a dead ringer for one of the guys in Man 2 Man, behind to keep an eye on Ice, whose got side deals going with The Hammer, a trucker named Hot Dog (Christopher Connelly), and Golan (George Eastman), the leader of the Zombies, Trash takes two of his men deep into Tiger territory. The plan is to ask The Ogre to form alliance with them, so that may defeat The Hammer and rescue Ann from the clutches of The Zombies. And while that sounds easy enough, they're going to have to get by The Jackals, The Scavengers and The Sharks. Now, I know the Scavengers are the one's in the ragged clothing who live underground. But I'm not sure about the rest.
 

 

Choosing my favourite gang from this movie was more difficult than I expected. The Tigers have great style, The Zombies wear white German helmets and get around on roller skates, and The Riders looked like they had just walked off the set of Cruising. However, after much deliberation, the tap dancing gang in the Toyah-inspired makeup and silver bowler hats, let's call them, The Dandies, were my gang of choice; you gotta love any gang that uses jazz hands to intimidate their rivals.
 

 

Picking my favourite gang member, on the other hand, was easy. What do you expect to happen when you put a lankly blonde woman in black stockings worn over black pantyhose, a black leather corset, and a silver cape? To put it in the simplest terms possible, Witch rules! Watching her dispatch Scavengers with her trusty whip and knuckle claws was downright electrifying. When we first meet Witch at the meeting between The Riders and The Tigers under the bridge, I figured she was just The Ogre's lady–you know, an accessory, like his thin cigars and puffy shirts. But the moment she springs into action, I was like, whoa, this woman is amazing. Looking at her bio, I was shocked to discover that 1990: The Bronx Warriors was her lone film role. Which is a shame, because she really has a great screen presence. The same goes for the bridge drummer. It should go without saying, but more films should feature unexpected drummers.

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