Hellbound: Hellraiser II (Tony Randel, 1988)

Is there such a thing as too much crazy? The opening chapter in the series gave us the gourmet batshit we desire in small, economic doses. Teasing us with some hooked flesh here, some splattered guts there, Hellraiser was rather crafty when it came to bringing brainsick to the masses. As is the nature with most sequels, especially the one's that immediately follow where the first film left off, Hellbound: Hellraiser II is nothing but wall-to-wall insanity; in fact, there's little time to breathe, as we're inundated with one wonky aberration after another. (You sound like you're not a fan of the direction part two decided to take.) I do? Well, it's not that I didn't like the film, I just found it a little overwhelming at times. I mean, there's so much... (Yeah, yeah, we know, it's so crazy! What did you expect, it takes place mostly in Hell, a place where everything either bleeds or is covered in cockroaches, and creepy blonde girls who like they just walked off the set of The Dark Crystal wander the halls looking for ornate puzzle boxes to solve.) Hell is a crazy place. And I should know, I've been there. No, I'm not talking about Etobicoke. I'm talking about... wait a second, I am talking about Etobicoke. As most people know, Hell isn't an actual place, it's more of a state of mind. Some of us can drift aimlessly through life and not experience Hell once. Others, like myself, on the other hand, experience Hell on a daily basis. Damn, that's probably one of the bleakest things I've ever said.

Remember when I stated that I would throw one of my world famous hissy fits if Julia Cotton wasn't in the sequel? Well, she's in the sequel, all right. While can I understand why Clare Higgins doesn't play Julia Cotton without skin (the make-up for "the skinless look" must take hours), I was genuinely relieved when she finally appears onscreen. Playing the role of the wicked stepmother in the first film, Julia Cotton has since graduated to the post of the evil queen.

You could call her The Queen of Hell. But don't let "Pinhead" (Doug Bradley) hear you say that, as he pretty much rules Hell with an iron fist. Or does he?

In the film's opening scene, after a brief refresher course reminding us what happened in the previous chapter (previously on Hellraiser: some people opened an ornate puzzle box, and, as a result of this action, some people were torn apart by hooks attached to chains), we get a motherfucking Pinhead origin story! Wow, I didn't expect that. I always figured that the Pinhead character would remain a bit of a mystery, a ghastly creature who is forever doomed to exist solely within the confines of our nightmares. While I kind of like the idea of not knowing too much about his past, it was good to know that he's not just some boring boogeyman with no humanity or personality (like most movie modern monsters).

We actually see the pins, or, I should say, nails, enter Pinhead's head for the very first time. It turns out that Pinhead wasn't always Pinhead. It would seem he was just another white person with a thing for playing with shiny, ornate puzzle boxes. Here's some free advice that bears repeating: If you ever see white person sitting cross-legged on the floor, run immediately in the opposite direction, some freaky shit is about to go down. And, yes, this includes white people who do yoga and meditate on a regular basis.

Taking a much needed rest after a long night of fighting Cenobites, Kirsty (Ashley Laurence) eventually wakes up. Unfortunately, she wakes up in the Channard Institute for the Mentally Deranged; it's not actually called that, but it's a pretty accurate description (stay away from the so-called "maintenance" level, if you know what's good for you). When a police detective is finished interviewing her, Dr. Channard (Kenneth Cranham) and his assistant Dr. Kyle (William Hope, a.k.a. the guy from Aliens) take over. As the detective is leaving, Kirsty says, "You have got to destroy that mattress!"

If you remember, the mattress has Julia's blood on it. And you know what that means? (Hey, isn't this the same mattress that Kirsty's father cut his hand while trying to move it upstairs?) Yep. You could say the entire Hellraiser series owes a debt of gratitude to that grungy mattress.

(Not so fast, Kirsty clearly told the detective to destroy the mattress. In other words, no mattress, no Julia.) Oh, you're so naive. The detective has no intention of destroying the mattress. Besides, he thinks she's nuts. It doesn't matter because Dr. Channard has already arranged that the mattress be delivered to his house. (What does he want with a bloodstained mattress?) Excellent question. When Dr. Kyle overhears Dr. Channard talking about securing the mattress, the very same mattress Kirsty insisted they destroy, he decides to do a little sleuthing.

Meanwhile, as Dr. Kyle is going into Nancy Drew mode, Kirsty is visited by a skinless man who writes, "I am in Hell. Help me," in blood on the wall of her room. Assuming the skinless man was her father, Kirsty seems more determined than ever to get out of this place; if only she had an ornate puzzle box.

Breaking into Dr. Channard's house via the back door, Dr. Kyle discovers that his study is basically a makeshift museum dedicated to the ornate puzzle box; in fact, he's got three boxes on display. I didn't care for way Dr. Kyle talked to himself as he poked through Dr. Channard's collection of oddities, as people talking to themselves in movies while snooping is a pet peeve of mine. Anyway, he better keep his mouth shut, as Dr. Channard is home. Hiding behind some curtains, Dr. Kyle watches, or, I should say, listens, as Dr. Channard sits one of his patients (a guy from the maintenance level) down on the bloodstained mattress, hands him a straight-razor, proceeds to allow him to cut himself repeatedly (the patient thinks maggots are crawling all over his skin). Charming.

As the mattress becomes soaked with the patient's blood (the patient, by the way, is played by Oliver Smith), a skinless woman emerges. Wrapping her legs and arms around the blood-drenched patient, the skinless woman absorbs his essence, much the same way Skinless Frank (Oliver Smith) did the first film. Since it's Julia's blood that was originally on the mattress, we can assume the skinless woman currently lapping up blood is Julia. However, Skinless Julia is played by Deborah Joel, who, I must say, looks amazing. The skinless make-up is stunning. I mean, the way it glistens in the light is so wonderfully ghastly; I want to look away, but I just can't, it's so, ugh.

Skinless Julia isn't enamored with her appearance, as she thinks she looks "strange," "surreal," and "nightmarish." In order to rectify this, Dr, Channard wraps Skinless Julia in bandages.

(How is Dr. Channard going to lure people to his home like Julia did in the first film? He doesn't have shapely gams, and he doesn't wear satin blouses.) Don't forget, the maintenance level of his institute is filled with people. (He's not going to feed his patients to Skinless Julia, is he?) Yep. And get this, he has a special room where Skinless Julia can absorb them in private. Judging by the number of shriveled corpses hanging from the ceiling, I'd say it took about seven patients to make Julia whole again. And you know what that means? Enter Clare Higgins.

After seeing what he saw heard at Dr. Channard's house, it's safe to say that Dr. Kyle is firmly on Team Kirsty. Sadly, his time on Team Kirsty is rather short-lived (no one can resist the charms of Julia...when she has hair and skin).

On the bright side, Team Kirsty will soon discover that they have an unexpected fan in Pinhead. Now, I'm not implying that Kirsty and Pinhead will be going on picnics together any time soon. But the odd rapport the two display with one another whenever they're onscreen together is one of the film's strongest elements.

If you're wondering why Dr. Channard is so eager to make Julia whole again, it's quite simple, he needs her to help guide him through Hell. (Kind of like Jack Baker helped Lois Ayres in The Devil in Miss Jones 3 and 4?) Yeah, I guess. At any rate, to get to Hell, Dr. Channard employs the puzzle-solving skills of a patient named Tiffany (Imogen Boorman). Solving the puzzle box with relative ease, Tiffany opens the gates of Hell, allowing Dr. Channard and Julia to begin their journey of self-discovery. Of course, Tiffany and Kirsty enter Hell as well; the former still has this cockamamie idea in her head that she's going to rescue her father.

Favourite Doug Bradley line readings in Hellbound: Hellraiser II: "But please, feel free, explore. We have eternity to know your flesh"  and "Go on... but trick us again child, and your suffering will be legendary even in Hell!" I love the way Doug says the words "flesh" and "suffering."

The scenes in Hell, an ashy labyrinth of hallways where the sound of babies screaming is played on a loop, are pretty effective in terms of creepiness (I really need to get myself some of those drawers that contain writhing women that open and close every now and then). However, I thought the so-called "New Cenobite" was a tad lame. Maybe I'm not familiar with the story or how things work down there, but I don't see how the New Cennobite could be stronger than the old Cenobites. Plus, the New Cennobites appearance was nowhere near as cool as Pinhead (the most eloquent movie monster of all-time), or the "Female Cennobite" (Barbie Wilde). Nonetheless, my feelings toward the New Cennobite are summed up perfectly by Tiffany when she first sees the New Cennobite and says, "shit" (her first words). Other than that, this movie is pretty fucking awesome.

Hellraiser (Clive Barker, 1987)

Lurking in the shadows, patiently waiting for the right moment to strike, you might not know it yet but evil incarnate has moved in upstairs. And get this, they desperately want to feel the warmness of your flesh rubbing against their body. Now, most of you will probably think the "evil incarnate" I'm describing in relation to this film is a demon with a leather fetish and a pin cushion for a head. However, a select number of you out there know exactly who I'm talking about. No, not the guy without skin or that bloodstained monstrosity with the chattering teeth. Let me give you a hint. She has a propensity for satin blouses, she loves to loiter about in a bewitching manner (especially in darkened stairwells) and she never goes anywhere without black stockings firmly attached to her shapely English legs. You know who I'm talking about now, don't you? Well, if you haven't seen Clive Barker's Hellraiser, you probably still have no idea. But those who have, seen the film, that is, know I'm talking about Julia Cotton, one of the greatest horror characters in movie history. What's that? You think Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers and Freddy Krueger are the greatest horror characters of all-time? Well, first of all, none of them wear stockings. And secondly, they're asexual bores. In other words, they do nothing for my genitals. On the other hand, the sexual energy Julia Cotton was repeatedly flinging to and fro from her pulsating pores throughout this movie set my junk on fire. (Hmm, I don't know, is that a good thing? I mean, what you're describing sounds like it might sting a bit. What am I saying, of course it's a good thing; it's a bloody good thing, and not even close to being a waste of good suffering.)

Don't tell anyone this, but it's been a longstanding my dream of mine (and by "longstanding," I mean I've had it since about five days ago) to be zapped with a shrink-ray so that I may live out the rest of my days inside one of Julia Cotton's pumps. (Aren't you worried about being squished by her English feet?) No, no, just tuck me down the side. I'm sure I'll be fine.

(You are aware that by writing this down, you are in a way telling everyone this?) Oh, yeah, I guess I am. Well, nonetheless, let's keep this between you and me, shall we? I don't want the whole world to know that I have this somewhat sane desire to take up residence inside one of Julia Cotton's sensible pumps. (But you just told... never mind.)

Given the reputation this film had when I was a creeper-wearing teen, I'm surprised I never got around to watching it sooner (at the time, I had heard the film was a must-see for fans of sample-heavy industrial dance music). I think the reason I avoided it was because I saw Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth in theatres, and the experience left a bad taste in my mouth, Hellraiser-wise. (Hold on, you saw Hellraiser III before seeing the first two?) That's right. (What's wrong with you?) I don't know. Oh, wait, I actually do know. I was going through my Clive Barker phase when part three came out. And it just so happens that it came out right as I was starting to go to the movies on a semi-regular basis.

(This is all fascinating, but could you get back to lavishing praise on Julia Cotton?) Sure. I just thought I'd give you a quick refresher course on my history with the Hellraiser franchise. (And congratulations, you just did that, now let's get back to Julia Cotton, as we're all dying to know where else it is you would like to dwell on Julia Cotton's anatomy.)

As things get underway, we see a man sitting crossed-legged on the floor surrounded by lit candles. It should go without saying, but whenever you see a white man sitting cross-legged without a shirt, you know some weird shit is about to go down. At any rate, holding an ornate puzzle box in his hands, the man pushes at certain pressure points on the box. Suddenly, part of the box opens up, and hooks tear into his flesh. The sound of chains rattling and the sight of body parts hanging from said chains are what greet us next. We see these odd-looking, some might say, grotesque figures standing about in the darkness. And then the box closes, and everything, the chains, the body parts, the cross-legged man, the grotesque figures, disappear in an instant.

This sequence was just a sneak preview of the ghastliness to come. In the meantime, an American named Larry Cotton (Andrew Robinson, Garek from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) and his British wife Julia Cotton (Clare Higgins) arrive at their new home somewhere in London, England; even though the film takes place in the U.K., the film lacks an overt national identity. Judging by Larry's enthusiasm, it would seem that he used to live in this house (I think it might even be he's childhood home). However, it's obvious to anyone with eyes that Julia does not share her husband's enthusiasm, as she looks unamused by the home's maggot-laden charms.

Wearing a grey blazer, a long dark skirt (don't be alarmed by its excessive length, Julia's innate sex appeal is no match for any garment), black stockings and a pair of black heels, Julia pokes around upstairs. Coming across what looks like a makeshift bed in one of the rooms, Larry informs Julia that his brother Frank (Sean Chapman) was probably crashing here. And by looking at the state of the place, it seems as though he hasn't been here for quite some time. (Am I crazy, or does Frank look like the guy who opened the ornate puzzle box in the opening scene?) You're not crazy, they're one in the same. (Oh, boy, this does not bode well for anyone.)

Getting back to Julia, as Larry answers the phone, it's his daughter Kirsty (Ashley Laurence), she snoops around Frank's sleeping area. The camera angle used in this scene, by the way, proves I'm right about Julia's innate sex appeal, as the low angle really brings out the bumpy sheen of her stocking-ensnared ankles. Coming across a box filled with homemade erotica, Julia seems excited by the pictures. (Does Julia have a thing for Frank?) Um, as we'll soon find out, Julia has more than just a thing for him.

In fact, if you call the psycho-sexual mind-fuck that is, or, I should say, was, the relationship between Julia and Frank in this movie a "thing" again, I'm going to tear your soul apart!

As Julia reminisces about the non-thing (careful, don't make me tear your soul apart as well) that was their relationship, Kirsty comes over to act all bubbly and junk. Not wanting to be disturbed (her memories are quite titillating), Julia employs her aforementioned talent for lurking in stairwells. Though, I think Kirsty does hear her lurking up there. Nonetheless, the sight of Julia looking over the banister ever so slightly as her cheerful stepdaughter calls out to her in vain was worthy of one "yeah, baby" (lurk the shit of out of that creepy ass stairwell, you saucy minx) and one mild celebratory, LPGA-approved fist pump.

Remember how I said the fact that Frank is the same guy who is seen opening the ornate puzzle box in the opening scene does not bode well for anyone? Well, the best way to avert disaster is to not spill any blood in the attic. Sounds simple enough, right? Wrong! Larry cuts his hand on a nail while moving a bed. And guess who he goes running to? (Julia.) Right, and guess where she's lurking? (The attic?) Bingo. The next thing you know, Frank's arms are crashing through the floor and his spinal column is connecting itself with his brain. If what I'm describing sounds disgusting. It is, and beautifully so.

When Julia stumbles across Frank in the attic, he's basically a skeleton covered in goo. In order to put more flesh on Frank's bones, Julia must spill more blood.

You know what that means? That's right, it's time for Julia to bust out her orange blouse. (Um, I don't get it.) You see, Englishmen can't resist a woman in an orange blouse. And since Julia Cotton is a blouse-wearing machine (meaning, no one rocks a blouse quite like Julia Cotton), the Englishmen have no choice but to come with her. Of course, they have no idea she's going to hit him in the face with a hammer so that her skinless lover can absorb their blood in order for him to become whole again.

(How many Englishmen is it going to take to make Frank--gooey Frank is played by Oliver Smith--whole again?) I have no idea. But the sight of Julia standing over her first victim (his face reduced to a bloody mess), the seams on her black stockings tearing up the backs of her legs like black laser beams, is wonderfully lurid.

Even more so is the glass clasping, blouse-flaunting swagger Julia displays after killing the second victim, as she looks like she could do this all day. You'll notice her blouse is blood-free after dispatching the second victim, whereas the orange blouse was covered in blood. That means that Julia has learned the proper way to hit Englishmen in the face with a hammer without creating a torrent of unnecessary splatter.

Proving that we all have things to learn, Julia botches her attempt to kill the third victim. The hammering went fine, it's just that she didn't take in account that Kirsty might drop by.

Holy shit! I just found out that Clive Barker had originally asked Coil to do the film's score (released as The Unreleased Themes of Hellraiser). Anyway, Christopher Young is the actual composer, and I must say, the chime sound that occurs when the Cenobites appear in Kirsty's hospital room is off the bleeding charts in terms awesomeness.

One of my least favourite expressions of the modern area is when people refer to throwing someone under the bus. Well, get ready, as I'm about to use it myself. As the Cenobites (the grotesque figures I mentioned earlier)  show up in Kirsty's hospital room, including the "Lead Cenobite" (Doug Bradley) and "Female Cenobite" (Grace Kirby), Kirsty totally throws Frank under the bus. I don't blame her, as the "Chattering Cenobite" (Nicholas Vince) had her in a headlock and the Lead Cenobite was threatening to tear her soul apart.

Speaking of tearing souls apart, every line uttered by Doug Bradley is perfectly delivered. Imbued with just the right amount of authoritative menace, Doug Bradley's performance is the reason the Cenobites are the horror icons they are today. Even though I have no intention of watching all seven(!) Hellraiser  movies, I'm sure Doug Bradley is the best thing about all of them.

Well, to be perfectly honest, he's second best thing about the first film, as Clare Higgins is the film's real monster. Whether bashing in heads with a hammer or lurking in stairwells, Clare Higgins is sexy and dangerous. (Don't you mean, dangerously sexy?) Whatever. She has decided to make her lover whole again and will stop at nothing to make it happen. And, I have to admit, I admire her dedication. Oh, and she better be in the sequel.

Unlike any horror movie I have ever seen, the influence of Hellraiser can be seen everywhere. (Really?) Yeah, baby. You can see it in movies, comic books, video games, music (the industrial music scene had a field day sampling this movie), and even fashion (any time you see someone with a pierced forehead in line at a coffee shop, you can thank Hellraiser). In other words, the reach of this film seems to have no limits.