Runaway (Michael Crichton, 1984)

It's easy to sit back and laugh at bold predictions that fail to materialize in works of speculative science fiction that came out thirty years ago. However, just because evil bastards who look like Gene Simmons from KISS aren't running around stealing microchips with the help of an army of robot spiders doesn't mean the premise of Runaway is that far-fetched. Sure, the film, written and directed by Michael Crichton, might come across as a little hokey, but it pretty much predicts humanities over-dependence on technology. Of course, you still might say that the idea of a robot cooking you dinner is something straight out of The Jetsons. So while the aesthetics are a tad off, the theory the film puts forth is eerily accurate. Though, I have to wonder, who's designing these robots? I mean, why are so many of them malfunctioning? Actually, they're not just malfunctioning, they're hurting people. Don't believe me, just ask Kirstie Alley's jet black pantyhose-ensnared thighs, as they just got zapped by a burst of electricity that came from her 577 Sentry (a glorified paper shredder on wheels).

Don't look at me like that. You didn't think I purposely went out of my way to watch a movie that stars Tom Selleck, did you? C'mon, man, you know me better than that. All it took for this film to pique my interest was the sight of Kirstie Alley looking all business-like in her blouse, belt, skirt, hose and heels ensemble. It also helped that I liked Michael Crichton's previous film, Looker, which starred Albert Finney and Susan Dey.

Unfortunately, Tom Selleck is no Albert Finney. I know, that's my second dig at Mr. Selleck, but simply put, he just not that good in this. You would think he'd be perfect as a cop. But he's not merely a cop, he's a cop who's in charge of pacifying "runaway" robots. And I didn't buy for a second that Tom Selleck knew anything about robots.

No, what this film needs an actor like, oh, let's say, Harrison Ford or Peter Weller. Or better yet, turn it into a Hong Kong set Category III flick called "RoboCops" (with, of course, Danny Lee in the Tom Selleck role and Anthony Wong as the villain). But then again, every film in existence would be better off if it was remade as a Hong Kong set Category III flick. Seriously, think of a film. It doesn't matter, just pick one. Okay, now imagine it took place in Hong Kong circa 1991-94. Pretty awesome, eh?

Okay, let's get things back on track. First off, the poster for this movie lied to me. Not once does Jack Ramsay (Tom Selleck) hold the cool futuristic pistol that fires mini-heat seeking missiles.

Most cops have to deal with the dregs of society on a daily basis, but Jack Ramsay is in charge of tracking down and disabling wonky robots.

On the day he's assigned a new partner, Jack gets a call about a 7799 Pest Controller (your standard agricultural model) that's running amuck in a corn field. Wait is it "amuck" or "amok"?

Ah, who gives a shit. Check out the gams on Ramsay's new partner. I bet you're wondering how I knew her gams were worth checking out, you know, because she's wearing a pair of standard issue lady police pants (which are infamous for dampening lady-based legginess). Well, that's just it, she wasn't wearing lady police pants, she was wearing a lady police skirt. Nothing too short, but short enough to get a good idea what she had going on gam-wise.

At any rate, Ramsay's new partner is a failed dancer named Thompson (Cynthia Rhodes)–which is apt since Cynthia is best known for being a dancer. After a couple of mild hiccups, Ramsay and Thompson manage to wrangle the wayward robot. It's no wonder it malfunctioned the way it did, it's CPU was an 8088. Am I right, fellas?

The next call the robot police get is a 709, which, according to Marvin (Stan Shaw), is when a robots kills someone. It would seem that a model 912 stabbed to death two people and threatening to kill a baby with a hand gun.

Arriving at the scene (a quiet suburban street), Ramsay asks them to prep a "floater" (a drone) to send in the house, so that he may access the situation. Deciding that the only option is to go inside himself, Ramsay dons his trusty electromagnetic scatter suit and prepares to face down the killer robot.

Despite a few minor glitches, Ramsay emerges from the house a hero. I have to say, this particular sequence  is pretty gripping stuff. Granted, Tom Selleck looked ridiculous in his electromagnetic scatter suit  (even the name is giggle worthy), but the scene is kinda cool. Oh, and you know something sinister is afoot when we see Gene Simmons' Luther lurking in the crowd that has gathered to watch Ramsay do his thing.

And wouldn't you know it, Luther was the one who planted the "non-standard chip" inside the model 912 that made it go nuts. Meaning, this was no runaway, this was murder.

The non-standard chips are highly sought after by Luther, who wants to sell them to terrorists (nice guy). And when we meet him again, he's shaking down an employee at Vectrocon Security Systems for a butt-load of these non-standard chips. Unsatisfied with merely attaining more non-standard chips, Luther wants the templates that will allow him to produce more. And it looks like, judging by the way dispatches one Vectrocon stooge with a bunch of robot spiders and another (Chris Mulkey from The Hidden) with a gun that fires heat-seeking missiles, he'll do just about anything to acquire them.

While investigating the Vectrocon connection, Ramsay comes face-to-face with the shapely splendour that Kirstie Alley circa 1984. Playing a Vectrocon employee named "Jackie," Kirstie, it would seem, is having a little trouble with her 577 Sentry (it keeps zapping her black pantyhose-adorned thighs). Luckily for her, Ramsay and Thompson are currently in the building.

I liked how when Thompson offers to get Ramsay's electromagnetic scatter suit from the car, he says no. Now, before you accuse Ramsay of being careless. It should be noted that Ramsay doesn't want to look like a total dork in front of Jackie. Yes, even a seasoned professional like Ramsay is willing forgo safety in order to impress an attractive woman. And it looks like, much to Thompson's chagrin, Ramsay's gamble is paying off, as Jackie's pussy is clearly pulsating at a magnum-infused rate of speed. (Huh?) She totally wants to fuck him. (Oh.)

Even though the script seems to favour the pairing of Ramsay and Thompson, I thought Ramsay and Jackie produced more heat.

Speaking of pairing things, if I had to pair Runaway with any other film, I would go with Black Moon Rising. Think about it, both film's feature tons of newfangled gadgetry, yet no attempt whatsoever is made to make their respective worlds seem futuristic. Though, in terms of quality, I have to give Black Moon Rising a slight edge. It's simple, really, Tommy Lee Jones is a better actor than Tom Selleck. That being said, Runaway has robot spiders and Kirstie Alley in black pantyhose going for it. So, yeah.

The Hidden (Jack Sholder, 1987)

A super-sexy and more lithe than usual Claudia Christian wields a Steyr AUG and a Mossberg 500 Bullpup whilst wearing a red thong near the middle portion of the totally kick ass 1980s sci-fi action thriller, The Hidden, a staple on Citytv in the early '90s. (Quirky fun-fact: Before television was ruined by infomercials and reality shows, some channels used to show movies.) Okay, now that I got that out of the way (for me to not mention Claudia Christian, her red thong ensnared butt-crack or the sweet ass guns she fires in this movie straight out of the gate would be tantamount to treason), let me quickly take care of some industrial music-based business. When one of the senator's body guards yells, "Back against the wall now!," I thought: Hmm, that sounds strangely familiar. Where have I heard that line before? Oh, who am I kidding? I knew the line was sampled in the Front Line Assembly track "No Limit," taken from their album "Gashed Senses and Crossfire," the instant I heard it uttered. And to think, my "friends" used to tell me there were no benefits to listening to electro-industrial music.

Show me any horror or action film made during the 1980s and I'll be able to identify which electro-industrial group sampled from it within five seconds of hearing it. Yeah, I know, it's a pretty impressive talent. Though, you have to wonder, if I'm so talented, how is it possible that I haven't gotten laid since Donald Igwebuike was kicking field goals, kick offs and extra points for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers? Weird.

Anyway, is this film, directed by Jack Sholder and written Jeff Kouf, a parody of '80s action movies?

In the film's opening chase sequence, a wanted criminal named Jack DeVries (Chris Mulkey), who just robbed a bank and is using a stolen black Ferrari as his getaway car, crashes it through a large pane of glass that was being carried across the street by two men. And get this, moments earlier, he crashes through some construction barriers. And to make the scene even more cliched, the construction workers frantically wave their hands in the air in a futile attempt to stop the out of control luxury sports car.

The fact that the construction workers dodged out of the way at the last minute is definitely cliched. But you'll notice that glass moving guys weren't so lucky. And as anyone who's well-acquainted with the crashing through the pane of glass gag will tell you, the guys (who are usually wearing jumpsuits) don't usually get hurt. Meaning, The Hidden is not ashamed to embrace '80s action movie cliches, but it's not afraid to ridicule them either.

Similar in the way the movie Dead Heat deftly combined the buddy cop movie with a zombie flick, The Hidden is a buddy cop movie crossed with a film about body snatching aliens who dig fast cars, adore trashy women and like to blast Concrete Blonde on their illegally obtained boomboxes.

After the aforementioned Jack DeVries is riddled with bullets and badly burned during a high speed pursuit through the streets of West Hollywood, the slug-like alien that is controlling DeVries decides to use the body of the patient lying in the bed next to him. Only problem being, the body belongs to Jonathan Miller (William Boyett),  a man with some serious gastrointestinal problems.

Since it's obvious "it" loves loud music and fast cars, it only makes sense that his first stop after leaving the hospital be a record store. Stuffing cassettes in his pockets with a reckless abandon, Mr. Miller seems somewhat out of place–you know, with him being a paunchy middle-aged man with serious gastrointestinal problems. Serious gastrointestinal problems or not, it doesn't stop him from beating the creeper-wearing record store clerk to death with his own club.

Meanwhile, back at police headquarters, Det. Tom Beck (Michael Nouri) is finishing up the paperwork for the DeVries case, when an F.B.I. agent named Lloyd Gallagher (Kyle MacLachlan) tells the detective that he's been assigned to help catch Jack DeVries. (Doesn't the F.B.I. know Jack DeVries is lying near death in the hospital?) Apparently not.

When Agent Gallagher rushes over to the hospital, it would seem that he's too late, as all he finds there is a dead Jack Devries. It would also seem that Agent Gallagher knows the thing that caused Jack DeVries go on his crime spree (he was mild-mannered family man two weeks ago) is still on the loose.

Figuring that the creature moved into the body of the patient next to him, Agent Gallagher sets his sights on Jonathan Miller. Of course, Tom Beck can't quite understand why Gallagher wants to track down Mr. Miller (he has no criminal record). In fact, from Tom Beck's perspective, none of this makes any sense.

However, when the bodies start piling up (Mr. Miller kills a few people at a Ferrari dealership), Tom Beck begins to think that Jack DeVries and Jonathan Miller might have been in cahoots. Mind you, he doesn't think they're being controlled by an intergalactic space slug, but he's getting there.

As luck would have it, one of the guys Mr. Miller kills at the Ferrari dealership happens to be a gun runner. And when Mr. Miller (using the address on his business card) goes to his office, he stumbles upon a cache of bullpup firearms.

Unfortunately, Mr. Miller's body is slowly becoming a terrible host. Hopping in his brand new red Ferrari, Mr. Miller heads the Harem Club to look for a new body.

Finally, we have Claudia Christian. Dancing on stage at the Harem Club, Claudia's Brenda Lee Van Buren might not know it yet, but her wondrous body has been selected to be the alien's next host.

Call me crazy, but I thought the outfits worn by Harem Club waitress staff were a tad on the skimpy side. (A tad?!?) Okay, they were whatever the opposite of a tad is. The point being, if I was a man who possessed genitals that were fully-functional, I would be down at the Harem Club ogling lingerie-clad goddesses and ordering Mai Tai's like a bandit every night.

The difference between what the women living on the so-called fringes of society wear on a day-to-day basis and what mainstream ladies are wearing is staggering.

The best example of this style variance can be found between the witness to the record store homicide, a.k.a. "Record Store Girl" (Jill Friedman),  and the woman who tells the alien to fuck off, a.k.a. "Rodeo Drive Girl" (Lenna Robinson).

While the Record Store Girl's ensemble is teeming with quirky flourishes, the Rodeo Drive Girl's outfit exudes nothing but staid conformity.

Just for the record, the Record Store Girl is wearing a white tutu, a black bomber jacket and black tights with white socks, and Rodeo Drive Girl is wearing a white shirt with green pants and a chunky belt.

Getting back to Claudia Christian for a minute: Since her character lives on the fringes of society, her wardrobe reflects this outsider status. Though, I thought the coin slot exposing nature of her dress was a bit much. I mean, it's fine to wear inside the Harem Club. But it isn't something to wear to the corner store. Or maybe I'm just being a prude.

Either way, the film's best moments are when Kyle MacLachlan and Michael Nouri go after Claudia Christian, who fires a Mossberg 500 Bullpup and a Steyr AUG at them during an extended chase sequence; one that culminates on the roof of a mannequin factory.

Speaking of guns, when the alien sets its sights on the body of a U.S. senator, we're treated to some excellent Uzi action. The great thing about the Uzi shoot out is that they're being used properly (in close quarters). And the people firing them, for the most part, employ obstacles as cover (most Uzi users in movies fire them wildly in wide open spaces).

Take special note when a cop, played by Law and Order's Richard Brooks, shows Kyle MacLachlan's character a flamethrower he seized during a recent bust, as it will make a significant second appearance later on in the film.

Oh, and did anyone else tear up at the end? I'm not saying I did or anything like that, I'm just asking a simple question. At any rate, I laughed, I might have cried, I saw Claudia Christian's butt-crack. Four stars.