Metal Skin (Geoffrey Wright, 1994)

This is what happens when you leave Australians unsupervised for a few minutes. Am I right? New Zealanders know what I'm talking about. Just kidding, the Aussies in Metal Skin wish they were as loopy as their Aussie movie brethren. No, the wonderfully long-haired fellas that populate this not quite lawless version of Australia are just plain annoying. Oh, in case you're wondering. The reason I called them "wonderfully long-haired," as supposed to just plain long-haired, is because I'm sick of seeing people with undercuts. Sure, I used to sport one for what seemed like forever, but the moment I saw a smallish child on the subway rocking an undercut was when I finally decided enough was enough. So... what was my point? Oh, yeah, I liked how the two main guys in this movie had longish hair on every part of their head. Meaning, it was the same length on top, on the sides and in the back. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, the fact that the two male leads didn't have undercuts was the film's strong suit. (Um, aren't you forgetting something?) Okay, the drag racing was pretty strong, too. (No, not that, silly. The goth chick.) Uh, she wasn't goth. For starters, I didn't see any goth band posters on her bedroom wall. And secondly, her footwear wasn't pointy... at all. Of course, these aren't hard and fast goth rules. But just because you're a woman with a thing for dark makeup and witchcraft doesn't make you goth. Seriously, though, does this chick even own a Sisters of Mercy album? I doubt it.

Way too busy trying to cast love-spells on douchebags with great skin and even greater hair, non-practicing Satanist and full-time nut-job Savina (Tara Morice) spends the bulk of the movie acting like a boy crazy nincompoop. I'm sorry for using such harsh language, but that's what she is. Think about it. No self-respecting goth would repeatedly demean themselves the way Savina does in this movie. And even if they did, I like to think they'd choose someone a little less... (Douchey?) Yeah, all right... a little less douchey as the object of their affection.

Granted, this particular douchebag, Dazey (Ben Mendelsohn), like I said, does have great skin and hair, and he drives a cool car. But still, there are so many less douchey options out there. Or are they? You would think the obvious choice would be Joe (Aden Young), a co-worker at the warehouse-style mega-supermarket they all work at. But she, for some reason, decides to put Joe in the dreaded friend-zone.

If you take away all the character's quirks, it's essentially Pretty in Pink crossed with The Fast and The Furious (the DVD artwork for this movie tries to capitalize on that franchises blockbuster success). Except replace the high school setting with the Aussie version of Costco. And while you're at it, switch out Vin Diesel and Ludacris for a couple of floppy-haired Aussie gits.

While I would date Dazey in a heartbeat (his skin is so smooth), I can't quite see what the appeal is for the women in this movie. Take Roselyn (Nadine Garner), for example. It's implied that Dazey's reckless driving is the reason Roselyn can't wear a bikini to the beach anymore (there was apparently a terrible traffic accident some years ago). So, why does she still allow him to hover around the way he does?

The film is basically a critique about the toxicity of male-based rejection. While most guys handle rejection with either whiny griping or a series of indifferent shrugs. A small number tend to act out in a destructive matter. Now, a "small amount" might not seem like a lot. But all it takes is five or six spurned men to destroy the earth. In other words, a man whose recently been rejected by a woman has the potential to be a danger to all those around them.

And Davey and Roselyn learn this the hard way, when Joe decides one day that their aloof brand of smugness needs to be altered in an extreme manner. And given that the film is Australian, it only makes sense that these alterations be legislated via vehicular violence.

However, it should be noted that there are only a handful of car chase/car race scenes in this movie. This, I'm sure, will irk some viewers. No, the majority of the film centers around the dating ups and downs of the  four main characters. So, if you were hoping this was going to be the Mad Max of the 1990s, you're going to be severely disappointed. Personally, I found their antics to be more irritating than anything else. That being said, if you love Aussie weirdness, illegal street racing, annoying non-goth chicks and guys with floppy-hair, Metal Skin is the film for you.

Special thanks to Ian Butt for recommending this movie.

Strange Behavior (Michael Laughlin, 1981)

Who's ready for some Aussie horror fun from the early 1980s? Okay, you might not be, but I know I sure am. I've got a comically large can of Fosters. I'm wearing my lucky Akubra. Hell, I've even picked up some extra shrimp just in case some asks me to throw another shrimp on the barbie. Let's do this, mate. And... wait a minute. Why do these guys sound like yanks? At first I thought that Strange Behavior (a.k.a. Dead Kids) was going to be about an American father who moves down under with his teenage son after his wife dies. Then it dawned on me, everyone is American. It just goes to show that you shouldn't assume that all Aussie movies are going to be about Australians. Speaking of Aussie movies, remember my review for the Aussie body melt movie called Body Melt? Of course you do. Well, do you happen to recall what my biggest problem with that film was? No, it had nothing to do with the film itself. You might recollect that I spent a good chunk of my Body Melt review scolding my massive readership for not making me aware of films that boast milfy lady scientists wielding syringes that contain iridescent liquid.

Now, I don't want to sound like a broken record. But what the fuck, guys? Strange Behavior is probably the ultimate film in the milfy lady scientists wielding syringes that contain iridescent liquid genre. Think about it. Not only is Gwen Parkinson (Fiona Lewis) a lady, she's milfy, and, judging by her lab coat, she's definitely a scientist. On top of that, it looks like she's holding a syringe in her hand, and the liquid inside said syringe has a iridescent sheen to it. So, I'll say it again, what the fuck, guys?

Please, for the love of God. If you know of any other movies that boast milfy lady scientists wielding syringes that contain iridescent liquid, don't hesitate to inform me of their existence. I want to watch as many films that boast milfy lady scientists wielding syringes that contain iridescent liquid as I possibly can. Thank you.

If being a film that boasts a milfy lady scientist who wields a syringe that contains iridescent liquid wasn't enough, Strange Behavior has so much more going for it. I know, who needs more when you have a milfy lady scientist who wields a syringe that contains iridescent liquid  in your motion picture? But I think most of you will agree that slightly chubby gals with a penchant for dismemberment compliment milfy lady scientist who wields a syringe that contains iridescent liquid perfectly. As do wild costume parties that feature choreographed dance numbers.

It should be noted that I'm a tad uncomfortable calling the gal with the penchant for dismemberment "slightly chubby." Truth be told, she is slightly chubby when compared to, say, Dey Young, but the way she's characterized as "fat" and "overweight" by the authorities irked me like you wouldn't believe. Personally, I loved her shape. I mean, the way that purple dress hugged her curves was mind-blowing.

What's that? Why were the  authorities characterizing her as such in the first place? It's simple, really. It had nothing to do with her size (which, like I said, could be described as "slightly chubby"), it was because of her penchant for dismemberment. You see, the authorities tend to frown upon dismemberment, especially human dismemberment. As you might expect, when word gets out that a slightly chubby gal with a penchant for dismemberment is roaming around Galesburg, Illinois doing just that, dismembering people while being slightly chubby, the authorities spring into action.

You're probably thinking to yourself: What could possibly cause a slightly chubby gal to develop a penchant for dismemberment? I have nine words for: Milfy lady scientists wielding syringes that contain iridescent liquid. Seriously, was there ever any doubt that a card carrying milfy lady scientist was the main reason why a slightly chubby gal developed a penchant for dismemberment? I didn't think so.

If you were to judge this film based solely on its opening scene, you would be forgiven for thinking that it was going to be yet another lame teens in peril horror film. Sure, the fact that the film's youthful screenwriter, Bill Condon (Gods and Monsters), plays the the first victim does make the scene a tad more interesting. But I only found out that was Bill Condon after the fact. At any rate, as far as opening scenes go, I'd have to declare the one that opens Strange Behavior to be lackluster.

As I was thinking about what movie to watch next, the dark synths of Tangerine Dream began to percolate on the soundtrack. In all honesty, I think their music is the first thing we hear as the film begins. Either way, once I noticed the music of Tangerine Dream, I immediately put my plans to watch another movie on hold.

Lacking money, two Galesburg, Illinois teens, Peter Brady (Dan Shor) and Oliver (Marc McClure), decide to earn some quick cash by allowing themselves to be experimented on by scientists at the local university. Since Oliver's already been once, he takes Pete over there to meet Fiona Lewis' Gwen Parkinson, the ultimate milfy lady scientist. An appointment is set up for Pete for the following day. In the meantime, who's ready to party?

If there was any doubt as to whether Strange Behavior was worthy of my time, there isn't the moment Pete and Oliver knock on the door of a suburban house and Nicole Anderson (dressed as the Flying Nun) answers it. After she declares that she isn't wearing any panties, Peter and Oliver enter just as Lou Christie's "Lighten' Strikes" is starting to play.

As if the sight of a bunch of teens dressed in wacky TV character themed costumes dancing enthusiastically to "Lightin' Strikes" wasn't enough, the enthusiastic dancing slowly morphs into a choreographed dance number.

I have to admit, I'm having a bit of trouble deciding if the party sequence in Strange Behavior is one of the greatest scenes in film history or simply the greatest scene in film history. Nevertheless, the fanciful, on the cusp of being surreal tone of the party scene officially made me a fan of this movie. And get this, the scenes where a milfy lady scientist wields a syringe filled with iridescent liquid and a slightly chubby gal with a penchant for dismemberment makes with the dismembering are still to come.

The fact that the party scene also features a pretty decent slasher sequence is basically icing on the cake; a knife-wielding killer in a Tor Johnson mask chases a young party guest (Elizabeth Cheshire) across a lawn, famously hacking at her heels.

Despite the grisly events that took place at the party, Pete manages to keep his appointment with the milfy lady scientist (they're going to pay him a hundred bucks). After taking a pill (one that will supposedly make him smarter), Pete goes on a date with Dey Young, who plays Caroline, the lab's receptionist. Hey, would you look at that. It would seem that pill is already starting to work, as Pete is literally charming the pants off Dey Young.

Overwhelmed by the string of murders that have been plaguing Galesburg, Illinois as of late, the chief of police, John Brady (Michael Murphy), Pete's father, asks for help from Chicago, who send a detective who looks like he stepped right out of a 1940s film noir.

It looks like he's going to need all the help he can get, as Mrs. Haskell (Beryl Te Wiata) comes home to find some kid named Timothy dismembered in a bathtub. Now, I'm not sure what Mrs. Haskell's relationship is to Timothy (she's seen doing dishes for Pete and his father in an earlier scene), but nonetheless, her confrontation with Paula (B. Courtenay Leigh), a slightly chubby gal with a penchant for dismemberment, is downright sexy. (Um, Sexy?!? Paula stabs Mrs. Haskell with a knife, then chases her downstairs, where she slits her throat.) What's your point? I find the sight of slightly chubby women murdering women who not even close to being slightly chubby to be extremely arousing. You got a problem with that?

I also like it when milfy lady scientists inject iridescent liquid directly into people's eye sockets. Which is exactly what happens to Pete when he shows up for his second appointment.

Call me crazy, but I think the drugs the milfy lady scientist is giving to her test subjects are somehow connected to the recent spate of homicides. (You already came to that conclusion fifty paragraphs ago.) I did? Oh well.

At any rate, if you're into American-Australian horror films that are made in New Zealand that sport milfy lady scientists who wield syringes that contain iridescent liquid, slightly chubby gals with a penchant for dismemberment, the band Pop Mechanix ("Jumping Out a Window" and "The Ritz" are both on the soundtrack), Tangerine Dream, the sight of Louise Fletcher (Kai Winn from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) holding a yellow slip while wearing a purple dress, and choreographed dance numbers, you'd be insane not to watch this movie at least once.

Hurricane Smith (Colin Budds, 1992)

Did anyone else find it odd that a black man, a black American  man, is greeted at the airport by two women without booties? (They must have had some booty?) I don't think so. Aerobicized to the point of nonexistence, the booties attached to the two blonde Australian women who welcome Carl Weathers to Gold Coast by handing him a stuffed Koala Bear and giving him a peck on the cheek were as flat as a board. Now, I'm not trying to body shame these two ladies by pointing out the minuscule nature of their respective booties. I'm just saying, Carl Weathers looks like the kind of guy who likes a little junk in the trunk. If you know what I mean. (Yeah, I think we all know what you mean. You openly ridicule two Aussie women from 1992 for not having "booties" and you're a racist who thinks all black men like big butts.) Hey, man. I'm just going by what esteemed linguist Sir Mix-a-Lot taught us back in, coincidentally, 1992. (He actually raps, "I like big butts." Not, "All black men like big butts.") True, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and declare that Carl Weathers' character, Billy Ray 'Hurricane' Smith, in Hurricane Smith likes his asses to be as thick as Tallahassee molasses.

You can clearly see it on his face every time an Australian person would say to him, "No worries, mate." I mean, if anything, he's got nothing but worries. Think about it. The first women he comes across on this kooky continent are sporting absolutely no oomph in the bum department (which does nothing for his slumbering trouser anaconda). But most worrying of all, his sister is missing. So, no worries, mate? More like, lot's of worries, mate, or, a shitload of worries, mate.

What the Gold Coast airport lacks in big bootied greeters, the rest of the city makes up for it with its robust leggy floozy population.

Of course, I don't mean to imply that the entire city is teeming with leggy floozies (on the contrary, the city seems to have a nice balance between those who are leggy floozies and those who are not... leggy floozies). I'm just saying, Billy Ray 'Hurricane' Smith seems to have hit the leggy floozy jackpot. Check this out: the first house he stumbles upon upon arriving in Queensland happens to contain the mother of all leggy floozies.

While most non-leggy floozies like to lounge around their places of residence eating Aussie Cheetos (each bag comes with a complementary tub of Vegimite - mmm, dark brown food paste) in hole-ridden sweatpants and ratty bathrobes (watching Neighbours, no doubt), leggy floozies like to slink about in black lace teddies and black nylons... and black heels.

Lucky guy. I mean, one moment he's a humble construction worker from Marshall, Texas, U.S.A., the next he's in Australia playing two-up, wooing leggy floozies and being called a "septic" by the locals. Now, you could classify Billy Ray 'Hurricane' Smith (Carl Weathers) as your classic fish out of water. But I wouldn't recommend doing that. You see, Billy Ray wants to find his sister (who was last seen in the resort town of Gold Coast), and, by the looks of things, he's in no mood for overused idioms.

Using clues he obtained from his sisters letters and postcards, Billy Ray ends up at the door of Julie (Cassandra Delaney, Fair Game), a leggy floozy/prostitute. Well, it's not really her door, she just works there... Anyway, Julie, who initially mistakes Billy Ray for a client, seems willing to help the handsome septic in the white jean jacket find his sestra ("septic," by the way, is Aussie slang for Americans and "sestra" is the Ukrainglish word for "sister" - Orphan Black is my shit!!!!). After all, Julie and his sestra, I mean, sister, knew one another before she went missing. However, just as Julie is about to fix Billy Ray a drink, Shanks (David Argue), Julie's "manager," storms in and sends Billy Ray packing.

If you're wondering what the difference between a leggy floozy and prostitute is. It's simple, really. A leggy floozy is what you call a female prostitute when she's not having sex for money. So, if you see a prostitute sitting in, let's say, a bar, she's actually a leggy floozy. On the other hand, if you spot the very same leggy floozy in the alleyway behind the bar she was just sitting in inhaling a man's cock with her mouth, she's now a prostitute. Any questions?

Oh, and the reason I didn't call Shanks Julie's pimp is because I didn't want to make Charlie Dowd (Jürgen Prochnow), Julie's actual pimp, cross. Trust me, he's not someone you want to make cross. Besides, I don't think Shanks has what it takes to be a pimp. I mean, look at how understanding he is when Julie tells him that she doesn't feel like having sex with Mr. Nelson, a regular who had an appointment. Pimps are not understanding.

Undeterred by what transpired at Julie's brothel, Billy Ray breaks into Charlie Dowd's beach house to look for clues. Only problem being, Charlie Dowd, Shanks, some henchmen and a ton of leggy floozies show up for a party.

As Billy Ray is poking around upstairs and Charlie Dowd is giving Shanks a refresher course on how to be a pimp, you'll notice that you can see the stocking tops of one of the leggy floozies. At first I thought: Oh, the reason you can see the tops of her stockings is because she's sitting in a manner that is conducive to stocking top display. But that's just it, she wasn't sitting down.

You know what that means, right? Exactly. The top portion of the stockings attached to the legs that belong to Rochelle (Suzie MacKenzie), "Ro" to her fellow leggy floozies, are always visible. Yep, you heard right. I said, always visible.

Whether she's changing a flat tire, doing jumping jacks in the rain, cramming for an algebra exam... in the rain, buying a new toothbrush, listening to the radio while lying in a hammock, painting a self-portrait, or putting another shrimp on the barbie, the tops of Ro's stockings will always be visible.

In an ironic twist, Ro can be seen sitting at a bar in the next scene. How is that an ironic twist, you ask? Well, if you had been paying attention earlier, you would have noticed that I basically said that sitting at a bar is what leggy floozies do best. And, I have to say, after watching Ro sit at a bar for a minute or two, I'm going to have to agree with myself. Leggy floozies and bar sitting go hand and hand.

Getting back to the plot for second. When Jürgen Prochnow (I didn't buy that his name was "Charlie Dowd" for a second - Jürgen is such a Jürgen) gets wind that an American is snooping around his criminal enterprise, and that Julie might be helping him, he sets in a motion a series of events designed to stop these unwanted incursions into his affairs.

Animal lovers beware, one of these so-called "series of events" involves the murder of an Australian cattle dog.

While I'm happy to report that no leggy floozies were harmed during the making of this movie, the same can't be said for stylish gangster's molls with fluctuating loyalties. It should come as no surprise, but it would seem that dating German-accented Aussie crime bosses who pimp on the side can be bad for your health.

Oh, and if you doubt my claim that she's stylish. All you have to do is take a look at the red blazer she wears at the horse track.

Sticking with fashion. Fans of volumizing scrunchies will want to keep an eye out for the blonde extra who appears in two scenes. That's right, I said two scenes.

You can see her in a crowd when Billy Ray and Julie are walking down the street and again when Billy Ray and Julie stop at a cafe to discuss strategy.

In closing: I like Carl Weathers, I loved the sudden influx of leggy floozies, David Argue is funny at times as Shanks (the fact that he wore a Warrant t-shirt helped a bit - Warrant apparel = Comedy gold), Cassandra Delaney is hot and I learned a little bit about Aussie culture.