Monday, February 18, 2019

The Amateurs (Usama Alshaibi, 2003)

 
I don't remember François Truffaut or Karen Finley being mentioned in any of Ed Powers' depressing Dirty Debutantes movies. But then again, I haven't seen all that many (THANK GOD!!!!!). I can see a wall of pornographic videotapes at one of the many adult video retailers I accidentally walked into over and over again back in the day. The innocent faces of the women peering back at me from the cover boxes. Sadness mixed with shame. A boatload of regret. If I remember correctly, the guy behind the counter reeked of hot dogs and rape.

I think there was a screening room at the back... there was a curtain... so, I couldn't see what was going on... but I recall hearing a lot of moaning.

People eat Ethiopian food at an Ethiopian restaurant in that location nowadays.

I wonder if they realize the walls are encrusted with at least twenty years worth of failure-tinged jizz as they make their order.

So, yeah, Usama Alshaibi's The Amateurs pays tribute to/mocks/ridicules/celebrates the pathetic hilariousness that is amateur porn.

 
It opens with two would be performers being interviewed by a director.

When Camilla Ha (as Mini Chang) name-drops Karen Finley (the mom from You Killed Me First), I relaxed immediately.

The conversation that follows is funny and stupid simultaneously. 

The guy in the wig won't perform unless a fish is produced... the director doesn't have any fish... he demands that the two potential performers get with "the suck and the fuck."

"We don't do kink."



The next interview is depressing. Uh, yeah. I don't want to talk about it.
 
 
Spoiler alert: "Princess" injured her eye with a pool cue while drinking moonshine. lol


Reluctant to perform with a woman with one eye... the director tries to convince his non-dashing male lead that it's okay by telling him that: "Not everyone has two eyes."

When the non-dashing male lead offers to warm up the speculum he's been instructed to insert into Princess' pussy, I nearly lost it. So romantic!


Next up is Echo and Coco... Um, the wide-eyed Echo needs to take a shit and Coco's filthy white t-shirt gave me a pseudo yeast infection.


Hi, Billy and Kalyx... thanks... bye! Worst annilingus ever!

Yay! Woo-hoo! I'm done with the Solar Anus Cinema collection. 🎉 I managed to type words about every single one of them. Of course, I didn't have to... but, in a way, I did. And I'm beaming with misguided pride. What I think I learned is that, um, porn is gay, and that Ukrainian women and sort of Ukrainian women need our support (now more than ever). Now, who wants to order Ethiopian, er, I mean, Thai food?




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