Sunday, October 20, 2013

She Mob (1968)

Holy crap! Are you sitting down? Okay, check this shit out: Big Shim and Brenda McClain are played the same actress! Isn't that crazy? I'm sorry, I know that was an abrupt way to start a movie review, but I can't believe Big Shim, the toughest bull dyke to walk the face of, oh, let's say, the motherfuckin' earth, and Brenda McClain, the richest milf in all of...wherever in the world this sweaty armpit of a movie takes place, were both played by Marni Castle. I was wondering, for what seemed like an eternity, why the actress who plays Brenda wasn't listed in the credits. Then it dawned on me (i.e. I opened my eyes), Big Shim and Brenda were one in the same. I was truly amazed. Anyway, I would put Marni Castle's duel performance alongside other great duel performances such as: Mary Huner's stunning turn in Slime City and Anne Carlisle's gender bending work in Liquid Sky. Playing on opposite sides of the sexual spectrum, Marni must ooze a rampant form of uncut Sappho and display heterosexual desire simultaneously. Which, believe me, isn't an easy thing to do. Quick question: Is this longest anyone has gone without mentioning stockings in relation to She Mob, the most nylon-friendly film in existence? I don't know about anyone, but it's definitely the longest I've gone without mentioning stockings when talking about any film, let alone one of the most nylon-friendly in existence. Which is exactly the point I was trying to make. Seriously, look how long I went without mentioning stockings. It's truly mind-blowing. Truth be told, I would have started off, like any sane individual, on a tangent about stockings, had it not been for Marni Castle and the bi-sexual tour de force that is her performance in this movie.


Even though I'll probably only come across a handful of reviews for She Mob, I'm curious to see how long they go without mentioning the word "stockings." What if they don't mention them at all? Wait, how this that physically possible? You would have to be blind not to notice the stockings in this movie. Or either that, been born without working genitals. Of course, I'm not mocking the visually impaired, or even those with wonky junk, I'm just trying to better understand the inner workings of the human brain.


I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume the others who have reviewed this film can see and can get hard and/or moist. And if I find out that you failed to mention, making passing reference to, or sight in anyway the nylons that appear in this movie, I'm going throw the biggest hissy fit the known universe has ever seen.


You're just trying to make everyone feel bad to cover the fact that you're a perverted closet case. Huh? You want others to think and act like you in order to mask the guilt you feel for being such a deranged fetish freak. Normally, I would agree with everything you just said, but a character in this film does change her stockings three times before the crack of noon.


Three times, eh? Don't forget, before noon. Noon, you say? Actually, I said the crack of noon. The crack? Is there any logical reason for showing her changing her stockings three times before the crack of noon? None that I could see, and I have 20/20 vision and a functioning set of store-bought genitals. Interesting. Maybe I was a little quick to judge you. No, I'm telling you, this film is the pinnacle of stocking-based sleaze.


What about that rumour that's not even close to going around about one of characters having breast implants? I know, breast plants in 1968!?! As far-fetched as that sounds, Baby's tits are totally fake, and, to put it in the bluntest terms possible, they're fucking gross. Unfortunately, thanks to some up-close camerawork, we get a bird's-eye view of her breasts and the surgery scars that stretch across the underside of her bosom like scabby bolts of fleshy lighting. Hold up, if the scars are on the underside of her breasts, how could a bird see them? Um, duh, she was lying down; and she manipulated them in a manner that would totally allow a bird to see her boob scars.


You know what? I'm tired of talking about Baby's fake tits. Let's start talking about Harry's stocking-encased legs and how this film is pretty much my ultimate fantasy in a nutshell, shall we? I thought you would never ask.


Whenever I sift through the garbage looking for cinematic trash, I usually come away brokenhearted. Either the film isn't sleazy enough, or it fails on every level to arouse and titillate. Well, She Mob is trash in its purest form, and I couldn't be more happy that its garter-belt infused aura wafted its way through my cagey cerebellum.


However, I should warn you, you're going to have to wait at least seven minutes to witness an actual garter belt suspender tearing its way across the palish thigh of an exceedingly attractive woman. Something must happen during those seven minutes. Well, you do get to see Brenda McClain (Marni Castle) wash her legs in the bathtub. That doesn't sound so bad. Yeah, but for seven minutes? After she's finished washing her legs, Brenda calls out to Tony (Adam Clyde) a total of twelve times. You counted? Of course I counted, I was bored out of my mind. After the twelfth time, Tony, Brenda's primary gigolo, decides to crawl out of bed and do what he's paid to do, and that this, placate Brenda's properly pruned and pulsating pussy with his professional penis.


After watching gallons of soapy water enter and exit Tony's ass crack as a direct result of his passionate thrusts for seven minutes straight, we finally get to see Brenda in black stockings. Judging by the quality of her gold lame business suit, I'd say Brenda is quite well off. In fact, she's probably downright wealthy if she can afford a stud like Tony. What do you mean, "a stud like Tony," what's so special about him? He ejaculates sperm one dollop at a time just like everybody else. Didn't you see the way he made sweet love to Brenda in her spacious bathtub? His humping technique was sublime. And, as the film progresses, we'll soon learn how important his cock is to the shapely women of that populate this sun-baked hellscape.


Don't you think it's time we met the "She Mob"? Um, yeah. Just as I was starting to get antsy over the fact that She Mob has yet to provide us with an actual "She Mob," we're introduced to them just as their most annoying member is about to wake up. Actually, our introduction officially begins when Baby (Eva Laurie) starts pawing at her fake tits in an erotic manner. While I appreciate the fact that she sleeps in black stockings and a matching garter belt, her fake tits are awful (yeah, yeah, we know).


Someone who obviously doesn't agree with that assessment is Big Shim (Marni Castle), the leader of the "She Mob," who puts on her pointiest leather cone bra, takes a seat in the corner of the room, and commences to sweat profusely while grabbing her girlish genitals every now and then to the sight of Baby's impromptu mid-morning fake breast inspection.


As Big Shim is she-bopping to Baby's gruesome franken-titties in the bedroom, Twig (Twig), a skinny blonde with short hair and a small bruise on her left thigh, is waking up in the living room. Grabbing her trusty radio, Twig starts bouncing around like a coked-up three year-old. This childish bouncing causes Harriet (Joy Dale), a leggy brunette with a modicum of junk in her truck, and Lorenz (Ann Adams), a leggy blonde with two moles on her chin, to wake up as well.


What is the first thing Harriet does when she wakes up? Anybody want to take a guess? Yeah you in the rainbow afro wig: Grab a cup of coffee? Nope. The guy in the Styx t-shirt: She brushes her teeth? Uh-uh. The lady in the purple poncho with the lazy eye: Punch Twig in the face? That's what I would have done, but, no. Get this, she immediately puts on her black hold-up, checker-patterned stockings. She doesn't even get up off the couch. She wakes up, takes a second to yawn, sits up on the couch, and then, boom, her robust legs are being lovingly poured into a pair of stockings.


If that wasn't awesome enough, Harriet, Harry to her friends, puts on a pair of sunglasses and proceeds to light a match using the bottom of her shoe.


Sitting next to her, a not yet stocking clad Lorenz begins to whine openly about the fact that it's been five years since she's been with a man. You see, the members of the "She Mob" have just busted out of prison, and are currently hiding out at a farmhouse located somewhere in rural Texas.


Noticing that Harry and Lorenz are complaining about the lack of cock in their lives, Big Shim tries to rectify this by making a few calls. And who do you think she ends up being put in touch with? Why, it's Tony, of course. Hold up, doesn't Tony "belong" to Brenda? I guess, but that doesn't mean he can't make a little cash on the side.


When Big Shim learns, thanks to Tony's big mouth, that this Brenda chick is loaded, she decides to hold the clueless gigolo for ransom.


In the meantime, Harry, Lorenz and Twig fight over Tony like he were the last wing in a bucket of greasy chicken. Awash with stockings and garter belts, the woman grab at Tony in a veiled attempt to attain corporeal satisfaction.


Stepping in to break up the madness, Big Shim instructs Twig to tie Tony to the bed. A ransom note is penned (Big Shim wants 100,000 or else they'll turn Tony into a choir boy), which is quickly sent to Brenda, who is just starting to wonder where her boy-toy has disappeared to. Instead of calling the police, Brenda gets in touch with Sweety East: Girl Detective (Monique Duval), the best girl detective in the business.


Carrying an ocelot and wearing a gold lame one-piece (one that accentuates her exquisite coin slot) and a saucy headband, Sweety East tells Brenda that getting Tony back shouldn't be a problem.


In order to pass the time, Big Shim decides to let the girls win a chance to have sex with Tony by playing poker (best four out seven goes first). Please let Harriet win, please let Harriet win. Yes! Harry gets the first crack at Tony. But not before Big Shim uses Tony's bellybutton as an ashtray. Ouch! Either way, you know what that means? Big butts, stockinged legs, and plenty of softcore groping.


As expected, Big Shim's caper hits a few snags along the way, as treachery, cross-dressing, castration, car chases, and shoot-outs muck things up for the "She Mob." Did someone say, "cross-dressing"? Yep, in the film's second hottest scene (the first being the one where Harriet lights a match using the bottom of her shoe), Harriet, Lorenz and Twig dress Tony in lingerie.


Taking place mostly indoors, the characters in this wonderfully putrid slab of succulent sleaze seemed to be always in a hurry whenever they decided to venture outside. Sure, they're engaging in both foot and car chases at the time, activities that are renowned for their penchant to cause those participating in such activities to move even faster than usual. Yet, I couldn't help but think the reason they were in such a rush was because if anyone found out what they were up to, they ["the actors"] would have been arrested on the spot. Which is something I totally wouldn't want to happen. I mean, just the mere of thought of this landmark production being shutdown by a shadowy cabal of puritan pukes causes my eyes to overflow with tears of unhappiness.


I'm not sad for "the actors," the crew, or even the dozens of raincoaters waiting to bask in its seedy glow, no, I'm sad for the lingerie. The terrifying prospect that the women, and the occasional unconscious male gigolo, who appear in She Mob, the only film that I know of to be filmed entirely in Garter-Vision™, would be denied the right to wear black silk stockings in a cheap exploitation flick shot in the wilds of Texas fills me with rage. Thankfully, no one, at least to my knowledge, was arrested during the filming of this scuzzy masterwork. And because no one was arrested, its existence cannot be denied. It should go without saying, but this film rules on so many levels.


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