Do or Die (Andy Sidaris, 1991)

Well, it's official. I'm tired of seeing Dona Speir topless. If I have to watch another movie that features a bunch of braindead chicks with unattractively large breasts being chased across the desert by incompetent assassins, I'm going to scream. I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you don't have to watch anything. What are you talking about? Don't watch them. Yeah, but, the collection I received boasts a total of twelve movies. You know you don't have to watch them all, right? Oh, I'm aware that I don't have to. But what if the Andy Sidaris film I decide to skip is the one that has a gaggle of tiny-tittied women with shapely legs shooting small calibre pistols at helicopters from the relative discomfort of a moving jeep? Tiny tits? Shapely legs? You might come across the latter, but there's no way Andy Sidaris would allow a woman who has small boobs to appear in one of his films. If memory serves me correctly, I recall seeing several women in Malibu Express who had smallish breasts. You're right, but that film came out in 1985. In other words, it was a different time; natural was in then. This, however, is 1991, and skinny women with no hips and enormous jugs are, unfortunately, all the rage. You can wade through the rest of Andy's expansive oeuvre hoping you might stumble across something that scratches your particular brand of perverted itchiness. But to be honest, you're probably better off firing up season one of Silk Stalkings again. You know what? As long Cynthia Brimhall is in these movies, I'm going to continue to watch them. Anyway, what's this one called? Oh, yeah, it's called Do or Die, and sadly, it has nothing to do with The Human League song of the same name. Do they even play the song in the film? Don't be ridiculous. I'll admit, that was pretty ridiculous. I mean, really? The chances of hearing the music of The Human League in an Andy Sidaris film is about as plausible as seeing Dona Speir do anything in a semi-convincing manner.
 

 

Is every paragraph of this review going to start and end with a spiteful comment directed towards Dona Speir? Maybe. What's it to you? Nothing. It's just that you should really think about not watching anymore film's that star Dona Speir. Yeah, I guess that would be the sensible thing to do. But I'm not going to let Dona Speir, or Pandora Peaks for that matter, ruin my self-induced Andy Sidaris marathon. You know that almost all his films star Dona Speir? Yeah, the keyword there being "almost." There's going to be a time when Dona Speir stops appearing in Andy Sidaris film, and when that time comes, I'm going to be there, dancing up a Dona-free storm.           
 

 

I don't know who told Dona Speir she was sexy, but the swagger she exudes does not reflect the level of hotness she is putting out there. The same goes for Roberta Vasquez, who displays none of the tight-panted allure she exuded in Picasso Trigger. In fact, you could say that Roberta is getting less appealing with every subsequent film. Maybe she's been hanging around Dona Speir too long? Now that's just mean. Though, I have to say, I like this new catty vibe you're putting out there.
 

 

What can I say? Not everyone deserves to be on the receiving end of the unique brand of praise I dole out on a regular basis. Some people are awful, and Do or Die is filled with people who are just that, awful. I would even go as far as to say that this is the worst Andy Sidaris film I've seen so far.
 

 

You can tell right away that this entry in the Andy Sidaris canon is going to lack the qualities that made his previous films so enjoyable by the rushed nature of the opening scene. Taking place at some kind of luau, one that featured authentic-looking Hawaiian dancing and costumes, Donna (Dona Speir) and Nicole (Roberta Vasquez) are confronted by Kane (Pat Morita), and his two henchmen, Lew (James Lew) and Chen (Eric Chen), who tells the ladies that he plans on killing them. Why? For causing him so much misery and grief. Duh. Seriously, though, I guess they hamper his ability to perform illegal activities with comfort level in which he is accustomed. 
 

 

Instead of killing them right then and there (that would, as he says, "undermine my reputation for fair play"), Kane informs them that six teams of assassins (none of which are transgender) are going to be unleashed on their asses.
 

 

What's the first thing Donna and Nicole do after they have been told that they're in a "do or die situation"? They jump in the hot tub. Getting in touch with Lucas (William Bumiller), the big cheese, via their hot tub adjacent satellite phone, he recommends that they head over to Las Vegas.
 

 

Meanwhile, Kane, with the help of his lovely assistant Silk (Carolyn Liu), sends the first team of assassins their way. But don't worry, two guys in a helicopter, Duke and Woody, are no match for Donna and Nicole, who blow them out of the sky with their cane/rocket launcher. If you're wondering how Kane is able to keep tabs on Donna and Nicole (the first team of assassins found them rather easily), he planted a tracking device in Donna's watch when she wasn't looking. And every time the assassins would fail to accomplish their task, and believe me, they all fail in spectacular fashion, Silk's computer would beep.
 

 

I'm officially declaring the exasperated look on Pat Morita's face every time Silk's computer would beep to be my favourite thing about Do or Die. Why's that? It's simple, as he's usually in the middle of giving or receiving a shiatsu massage when the beeping occurs.
 

 

The sight of Carolyn Liu sitting at her computer in clothing that is atypical of computer usage is up there as well (she wears mini-dresses and pearls, as supposed to stain-covered sweatpants). Though, it should be said that Carolyn at her computer and Pat Morita's exasperation face kind of go hand in hand.
 

 

You would think that Ava Cadell as an assassin named Ava would be up there in terms of greatness. But other than putting on a white thong-tard and a pair of leather trousers in a seductive manner and uttering the line, "you drive, I'll shoot," Ava is a bit of a bust (no pun intended).
 

 

I didn't care for Erik Estrada as Rico, an army officer Lucas hires to help protect Donna and Nicole. I much prefer it when he's the bad guy, as the smirking jack ass he plays in this film was no fun at all. The same goes for Bruce Penhall as Bruce Christian, Michael Shane as Shane Abeline, and even Chu Chu Malave and Richard Cansino as a couple of bumbling assassins. You sort of expect Penhall and Shane to suck, but Chu Chu and Richard were so memorable as the transvestite assassins in Guns. That being said, Chu Chu and Michael do exchange a fist bump at one point. So what? People bump fists all the time. Yeah, but, I had no idea people were bumping fists in 1991, as I always thought the custom was a more recent invention.
 

 

The film's four sex scenes, even the one that takes place between Cynthia Brimhall and William Bumiller, were tired and lame. Free tip: If you fast-forward past the sex scenes, the film goes from being a ninety minute slog to a spirited hour long jaunt through the woods. Wait a second. Fast-forward past the sex scenes?!? What a novel idea. Yeah, it's great. Try doing it with pornography. Anytime a sex scene starts up, just hit that fast-forward button. You'll be amazed by how much time you can save. 
 

 

Where's Kym Malin when you need her? Where's who? You know who. The hot chick in the super-tight sea green trousers from Guns, the untamed cowgirl from Picasso Trigger, and the...well, you get the idea. I'm afraid she's not in this movie. What the fuck? Now, I don't know if the blonde with the huge tits is supposed to be Kym's replacement, but this Pandora Peaks person is probably the least talented woman to walk the face of the earth. I wonder why Andy Sidaris decided to cast her? She can't even stand still right. Bizarre.
 

 

Luckily, Cynthia Brimhall shows up just in the nick of time to perform a country and western song called "Down on the Bayou" in a sexy white cowgirl outfit. Yee-haw! White stockings! Yee-haw! White garters! You rock, Cynthia!

 

Believe or not, nothing really of interest happens in Do or Die after the scene at the country and western bar until Cynthia Brimhall tries to operate a microwave oven.
 

 

The biggest let down about Do or Die were the assassins. That, and the fact the film takes place mostly in the woods outside Shreveport, L.A. No offense to Lake Caddo, but it doesn't have the same picturesque quality as Molokai. Getting back to the assassins for a second, they're so bland. And get this, out of the ten assassins thrown Donna and Nicole's way, only one was played a hot chick. I mean, that right there should tell you that this film is not running on all cylinders. A rare misstep from the fine folks at Malibu Bay Films.

video uploaded by asidaris

Guns (Andy Sidaris, 1990)

If ever there was a movie that lived up to its name, it isn't Guns. Oh, sure, it's got guns, plenty of guns; it's got guns up the wazoo. But I think the title sells itself short. This film, Andy Sidaris' latest attempt to make Dona Speir a movie star, has more going for it than just guns. It's got opera glove-wearing nightclub singers, magic shows, brunette-on-brunette violence, ninjas, stockings, and dyke bar-quality oil wrestling. Though, it should be noted that the so-called "opera glove-wearing nightclub singers" scene involves guns to some degree (the lyrics, and the song's title, for that matter, are both gun-centric), and the brunette-on-brunette violence involves guns, too. In fact, everything I just mentioned, even the stockings, involve guns in some shape or form. I guess I better just except the fact that this movie is called "Guns" and move on. I know you implied that you were going to move on, but how on earth does one combine stockings and guns? If there's anyone who knows how to mix stockings and guns, it's Andy Sidaris. Now, I'm fully aware that this the first Andy Sidaris film since Malibu Express to feature nylons of any kind. But you have got to remember, all the films made in-between Malibu Express and Guns take place almost exclusively in Hawaii. And, as most people know, Hawaii and hosiery don't exactly go together. Just in case you're not most people, the reason they don't get along is because of the island's climate. You see, it's humid in Hawaii. In other words, it's not the most nylon-friendly environment to wear stockings, pantyhose, or even socks. Don't believe me, pay close attention to all the scenes in this film that take place in Hawaii, you won't see a single pair of nylon-ensnared gams or knee-sock adorned feet anywhere.
 

 

You know what else I missed seeing during the last two Andy Sidaris films? Wow, you know me all too well. That's right, I'm missed the rampant transvestism. Okay, I wouldn't call Malibu Express and Hard Ticket to Hawaii films that are drenched in cross-dressing (mmm, films drenched in cross-dressing). I wish they were, but they ain't. However, at least they dealt with the subject. If you remember correctly, both films feature male characters who dress in drag, and surprisingly, given the film's action movie pedigree, both treat the subject in a respectful, nonchalant fashion. You could even say the films are trans-positive. But let's not get carried away.
 

 

Much to my chagrin, the two previous Andy Sidaris films were totally lacking when it came to cross-dressing. Well, I'm happy to report that Guns finds transvestism back where it belongs. An Andy Sidaris film without cross-dressing is not a true Andy Sidaris film. And I'm even happier to report that it's back in a big way in Guns. How so? I got two words for you: Transvestite assassins!
 

 

When you ask the average slob why they watch Andy Sidaris films, they'll tell you that they watch them for the hot chicks. I, on the other hand, watch them for...the hot chicks. Just kidding. I watch them for the off chance that one of them might boast a pair of transvestite assassins. And Guns delivers two of the most memorable transvestite assassins in film history.
 

 

Just so you know, I love the words "transvestite" and "assassin," so be prepared to hear the two words repeatedly slammed together over the course of this...whatever, the hell this is.
 

 

As I watched the Andy Sidaris films that proceeded Guns, I would always think myself, why doesn't Andy give Cynthia Brimhall a bigger role? (She wasn't even in Savage Beach.) Clearly more attractive and more talented than any of the other mouth-breathers that appear in these movies, to see Cynthia constantly relegated to the sidelines was unacceptable. Well, fear not fans of people who are clearly more attractive and more talented than Dona Speir, Cynthia Brimhall is about to get her chance to shine.
 

 

Headlining the Rio Casino in Las Vegas, Cynthia Brimhall's Edy Stark has finally hit the big time. No longer stuck greeting restaurant patrons in Molokai while wearing pastel-coloured mini-dresses, Cynthia is on stage performing "Guns" for a captive audience. Sure, the audience is mostly made up of degenerate gamblers and mid-level mobsters, but this Las Vegas, baby! And you know what? She ain't bad. I mean, I was totally humming the line, "Don't play with guns / They ain't no fun" after the film was over. It also helped that the song is heard again over the closing credits. But still, it was catchy and Cynthia has definitely got the goods. It didn't hurt that she was wearing a cleavage-accentuating bra, opera gloves, and a sparkly blue thong while she performed the song in question.
 

 

After the show is over we meet Juan Degas, a.k.a. the Jack of Diamonds, a semi-suave gun runner. Do you want to know who plays this semi-suave gun runner? You do? Okay. Are you ready? The semi-suave gun runner  is played by none other than Erika Estrada! That's right, Ponch himself. Look at me, acting like I'm the world's biggest Erika Estrada fan. My memory of CHiPs is foggy at best, and I don't think I've ever seen him in a movie before. But I have to say, his performance in Guns is outstanding.
 

 

You know how it didn't hurt when Cynthia Brimhall decided to wear that sparkly bra/thong combo when she performed the film's titular ditty? Well, it didn't hurt that Erika Estrada's right hand man throughout Guns is played by Danny Trejo. I'm telling you, if you thought the sight of Erika Estrada acting duplicitous was awesome, try picturing him acting like that while Danny Trejo is standing next to him. It doesn't get any better than this.
 

 

Oh, really? It doesn't get any better than that, eh? It's obvious you never seen Kym Malin walk down the streets of Lake Havasu City in a pair of super-tight sea green trousers before. 
 

 

Anyway, after informing a couple of would-be assassins that the 's' in his last name is silent, Juan Degas tells the would-be assassins, Cubby (Chu Chu Malave) and Tito (Richard Cansino), that he wants to hire them.
 

 

Much to my displeasure, it's not Donna (Dona Speir) that he wants dead, but her new partner, Nicole Justin (Roberta Vasquez). Hey, what happened to Hope Marie Carlton? She's not in this movie. In fact, Savage Beach was the last Andy Sidaris film she ever appeared in. Did they explain what happened to her character? Nope. Man, that blows. Well, at least Rocky (Lisa London) is back. Um, yeah, about that.
 

 

If you remember, I was quite taken with Miss London's brief appearance in Savage Beach (yeah, I remember). And it looks like she's still "busting heads and baking bread." Speaking of remembering stuff, do you recall the scene in Savage Beach when Rocky gets a bread making machine delivered to her restaurant? No? Well, I do. And I appreciated the fact that there's a reference to Rocky's bread making in Guns. These films have a tendency to reward attentive viewers.
 

 

You won't believe what happens next. How should put this? Let's just say Rocky has baked her last loaf of bread. You mean? Yep. On the bright side, she's killed by two guys dressed in drag. How is that on the bright side? I don't know, people say weird shit when they're in mourning. At any rate, instead of killing Nicole, Cubby and Tito, who, like, I said, are dressed in drag, put a bullet in the head of an another brunette (Allegra Curtis), one who just happened to be wearing the same dress Nicole was wearing.

 

"We're born naked, and the rest is drag." ― RuPaul
 

 

As Cubby and Tito are changing out of their clothes, Juan Degas is testing out a new Chinese made sub-machinegun. How did I know it was "Chinese made"? Oh, I don't know, the guy selling them was Chinese. (The reliably Chinese George Cheung, a.k.a. the limo driver from The Beach Girls, plays a Chinese gun salesman.) Wrong. It was because the gun had a red and gold, communist-style star on the handle. Wait. What kind of idiot would put a giant red and gold star on a gun? Let it go, man. It's only a movie. 
 

 

Spotting the assassins leaving the women's washroom, Nicole has a hunch that the Rocky's killers weren't women, but guys dressed as women. This hunch leads to an extended helicopter-airplane chase (yawn). But don't worry fans of transvestite assassins, Cubby and Tito get away. As expected, this tragic event leads to Lucas (William Bumiller), the leader of a secret network of federal agents, to assemble a team in order to stop Juan Degas' dastardly plan, which, I guess, involves guns.
 

 

Finding Edy Stark is a piece of cake, since Lucas, and his sidekick Brown (John Brown), who still hasn't found a jacket that fits him properly, are stationed in Las Vegas. Am I seeing things, or do Cynthia Brimhall's boobs look bigger than they were in Picasso Trigger? Hmm, interesting. Either way, I'm placing Kym Malin at the top of this film's hottie list (she looks amazing in this film). It's funny you should mention Miss Malin, as Lucas and Brown find Kym (Kym Malin), a.k.a. "Kyller Kym," and her glistening torso, wrestling against Hug Higgins (Donna Spangler) at "Oil Mania."
 

 

Also on the team are Bruce Christian (Bruce Penhall), Shane Abilene (Michael Shane), and Abe (Chuck McCann) and Ace (Liv Lindeland), who perform a magic act at the Rio Casino.
 

 

It's during the team's meeting in Lake Havasu City that we get to see Kym Malin in those super-tight sea green trousers I alluded to earlier. Call me, oh, what should I ask others to call me today? Oh, I know. Call me a cantankerous cold sore with three months to live, but I'd rather watch Kym Malin strut about in those super-tight sea green trousers, than watch any of the exhaustive action scenes that take place in this film. Also, the sight of Kym Malin cruising drag bars in a leather bra and fishnets (keep an eye for Sidaris regular Rodrigo Obregón as "Large Marge" during the drag bar sequence), guarding the casino's rear entrance during the film's finale, or the part where she contradicts Dona Speir (contradict that narcissistic hosebeast) all made Guns a worthwhile experience.    
 

 

How are Juan Degas and Tong (the actual name of Danny Trejo's character), going to be able to stand up to the team Lucas has assembled? I mean, two guys against ten federal agents? It doesn't seem fair. Well, Juan Degas has a leggy surprise in store for them. A leggy surprise, you say? A leggy surprise. Her name is Cash (Devin DeVasquez), and she desperately wants to kill something. Remember that brunette-on-brunette violence I mentioned earlier? It rears its full-bodied brunette head when Devin DeVasquez (Society) and Cynthia Brimhall go toe-to-toe with one another. Their first encounter involves cattiness, the second involves mirrors, a yellow towel, and a couple of silenced pistols.
 

 

Don't forget, Juan Degas still has Cubby and Tito on the payrole. How could I forget them? What's cool about Cubby and Tito is that they dress in drag in their spare time as well. Hold on. You thought they only dressed in drag when they killed people? No, no. They take cross-dressing very seriously. 

 

If it couldn't get any worse for Dona Speir, she has to endure being upstaged by the gorgeous Phyllis Davis (Sweet Sugar), who plays the attorney general of Nevada. And get this, we're supposed to believe that Phyllis Davis is Dona Speir's mother. Even though Phyllis is at least twenty years older than Dona (so, yeah, the math adds up), I thought, well, let's just say, their roles could have easily been reversed. Instead of seeing that as yet another slam against Dona Speir, I have chosen to view it as a compliment to Phyllis, who looks terrific with blonde hair. I also dug the pencil skirt/black stockings combination she wears throughout the film, as there's nothing sexier than a confident woman in her late forties who dresses for success.

guns trailer uploaded by asidaris