Lifeforce (Tobe Hooper, 1985)

I've got good news for all of you crybabies who are constantly worrying about not being around after you die. Are you sitting down? It would seem that there is life after death. Isn't that great? Unfortunately, the bad news is your everlasting soul is going to be immediately sucked up by the bat-like aliens currently orbiting the earth in their umbrella-shaped spaceship. That's right. If you had hoped to spend the next five or so years haunting the living fuck out of your obnoxious neighbours after you kicked the bucket, you can forget about it. Your spirit is needed elsewhere. To be more specific, your energy, or, "lifeforce" is required to help feed a race of sophisticated space vampires. While all this talk about the after life and vampires from outer space is fascinating, what does the plot of Lifeforce entail? I mean, you're already halfway through your first paragraph and you have yet to touch on the film you're purportedly writing about. Oh, haven't I? What? No. Really? Get out of here. You mean to tell me that Lifeforce, directed by Tobe Hooper (Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2) and produced by Menahem Golan (The Apple) and Yoram Globus, is about space vampires?!? No way. That's impossible. For one thing, the film is filled with classically trained British actors. First of all, I don't know what it is about the cast being predominantly British that makes you to doubt its existence. And secondly, to answer your question, yes, that's exactly what the film's about. Now, you can either remain wrapped in a veil of denial or come with me as I bask in the first-rate insanity Lifeforce was putting out there on a semi-regular basis. So, which is it going to be?

 

 

Judging by the fact that you're still here, I take it you're ready to dive headfirst into this film's kooky world of shapely, naked space vampires who are able to woo impressionable astronauts with a nipple-protruding ease. Wait a minute. Hold on. You never mentioned that the space vampires were naked. I didn't? Huh, that's funny. I'm usually quite reliable when it comes relaying details like that, especially when they involve naked space vampires who are purported to be shapely. Anyway, they're naked, all right. Naked for an extended period of time, if memory serves me correctly. Okay, I got it, they're not wearing any clothes. You make me sound like some kind of pervert who only cares about nudity. Well, aren't you? Pish motherfucking posh! I'm a well-rounded movie watcher whose interests are the epitome of multifarious.
 

 

Watching you get all defensive about the space vampires lack of clothing reminded me the way some of the characters behaved when they come face-to-face with the naked space vampires for the very first time. Reduced to a blithering pile of heterosexual inadequacy, most people, particularly males, when they meet the space vampire at the centre of this crafty enterprise can hardly move. Stricken with something I like to call, "erotic dementia," the men in this movie act as if they have never seen a naked woman in the flesh before. Is it because they're repressed? Nah, British people are surprisingly sexual. Which reminds me, is it because they're British? Don't be daft. Perversion is alive and well in Britain (they have photos of topless women next to the five-day forecast in their newspapers).
 

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the reason the men were so enamoured with the naked space vampire was because she was just that, a naked space vampire. Sure, most guys will go goo goo gaga over a housewife from Surry prancing around a field nothing but a garter belt and stockings, but put them in front of a naked space vampire, and we're talking total sexual subservience up in this girdle factory.
 

 

 

How do I know all this? Just ask Col. Tom Carlson (Steve Railsback), commander of the H.M.S. Churchill, a space shuttle headed to Halley's Comet, he knows all about the intrinsic allure of naked space vampires. His date with a naked space vampire begins when his shuttle approaches the comet, and the crew (a joint mission between British and American astronauts) spot a needle-like structure floating near the comet's tail.
 

 

Measured at around 150 miles long, Col. Carlson decides to lead a team to investigate the strange object. What do they find? What do think you think? That's right, large, desiccated, bat-like creatures. As they're bagging one of the giant bats to take back to their ship, the alien vessel literally opens its umbrella. After that occurs, a door opens. Inside they find three transparent cases containing three naked humanoids. Ignoring the naked fellas, Col. Carlson is drawn to the female (after he puts his tongue back in his mouth, he orders his away team to bring all three of them aboard).
 

 

Jumping forward thirty days, we find out that the Churchill is currently floating in space above the earth and isn't responding to hails from British mission control. Worried, the Brits enlist the help of the Columbia shuttle. And before you can say, "Houston, we have a problem" (something that is actually said in this movie), the rescue team find nothing but charred bodies and three transparent cases containing three...well, you know what they contain. 
 

 

Undamaged by the apparent inferno that took place aboard the Churchill, the three cases are brought back to England to be studied. If a professional astronaut had trouble resisting the womanly curves of the naked female (Mathilda May) under glass, what chance does a lowly security guard have? Let me tell you, he's doesn't have a prayer. And what do you know, a security guard is standing over the encased female with an inquisitive expression on his face that practically screams sex. Instead of biting him, like a normal vampire, she casually sucks out his lifeforce through his eyes, nose, ears, and mouth (i.e. anything with a hole), reducing him to a shriveled raisin of a man. Rejuvenated by the guard's energy, the naked female gets up and heads out the door. On the way out, the space woman grabs some energy from Dr. Bukovsky (Michael Gothard)–who must open at least twenty glass doors in order to get to the lab–but not enough energy to cause him to shrivel up, and she zaps a few guards along the way.
 

 

As the survivors of the naked space ladies escape are regrouping, including the aforementioned Dr. Bukovsky and a Dr. Fallada (Frank Finlay), a new character bursts onto the scene. I'll admit, when I first saw Col. Colin Caine (Peter Firth), Special Air Service, arrive to investigate the weird goings on at the spacelab, I thought to myself, who's this pratt? Which is a thought I think a lot when watching movies such as this. You see, I usually cannot stand macho tough guys who think they're so cool. However, I found myself strangely not annoyed by this trench coat-wearing S.A.S. commando. Like most people, I assumed Col. Caine was there to antagonize the protagonists (i.e. be a major dick). But after about five seconds, I quickly realized that Col. Caine is not only a reasonable chap who's only interested in what's best for Britain, but he is, to put it bluntly, a badass. Again, and I can't emphasize this enough, I'm wired to hate this guy, but I thought every decision he made was the correct one. In fact, every time an idea was thrown out there regarding what to do about the naked female vampire who drains people of their lifeforce, I would look to Col. Caine, and if he nodded in agreement, I would nod as well.
 

 

If you thought Col. Caine was a badass as a solo act, you should see him when he's paired with Col. Carlson. Wait, didn't he die in the Churchill? No, apparently he survived. Anyway, Col. Carlson is brought over to England to help Col. Caine piece together the events that occurred on the Churchill. 'Cause if you remember, we're not told what happened after the naked humanoids are brought aboard the Churchill. And according to Col. Carlson, things were quite insane. Actually, some might say what occurred aboard the Churchill is now taking place on earth.
 

 

Leaving shriveled bodies in her wake, the naked female humanoid starts to hop from body to body. My favourite being the body belonging to the gorgeous Nancy Paul, who plays a redheaded nurse named Ellen. Call me crazy, but I much preferred Nancy Paul over Mathilda May. Call me even crazier, but the sight of Nancy Paul walking in a black raincoat is way more sexy than any of the scenes that feature Mathilda May walking around naked. I know, I know, that's a lot of craziness to digest all at once. Buy, hey, I'm just being honest. I should start a support group for people who prefer a fully-clothed Nancy Paul over a completely naked Mathilda May. Yeah, that's a terrible idea.
 

 

Speaking of a fully-clothed redheads, the scene where a hypnotized Col. Carlson enters the mind of the space chick (yeah, he can totally do that) as she's wooing a man in a Volvo in the body of Nancy Paul was the film's sexiest. Now a strawberry-flavoured redhead with seductive eyes, the space girl has to feed on human energy to remain strong. But she doesn't want to leave a trail of wrinkled corpses in her wake. Good golly, what's a peckish space vampire to do? Suck in moderation, that's what. Taking little bits of energy here and there, the space girl feeds on people by extracting only what she needs, leaving the sucked party only a tad groggy.
 

 

In order to entice a male Volvo driver, the Nancy Paul version of the space vampire uses the ashen smoothness of her thighs to lull her victim into a state of erotic complacency. Inviting the male Volvo driver to caress her left thigh by lifting up skirt well above her knees, Nancy Paul is well on her way to getting the energy her supple body needs.
 

 

I think we can all agree that no one wants to see the Patrick Stewart version of the space vampire walking around naked. I have nothing against Patrick Stewart or his body. It's just that, to quote Elaine from the Seinfeld episode, The Apology,  "Whoa! Walking around naked? Ahh…that is not a good look for a man."
 

 

As more and more people come in contact with the space vampire, the more chaotic the situation becomes in Britain. Which is a bit of an understatement really, especially when you consider the fact that London is swarming with wrinkly zombies. You could say that the nation's world renowned stiff upper lip has become in desperate need of some kind of lubricant. But I'm not going to be the one to say something that egregiously lame. If you like movies where respected British actors and Steve Railsback openly talk about being in love with a vampire chick from outer space, you'll love Lifeforce. Of course, Peter Firth does not once express feelings of love toward any of the creature's many incarnations. Though, Peter Firth's character (I love the way he answers the phone simply by saying, "Caine!") does say that's he's a voyeur at heart at one point, which made me like him even more. At any rate, if you like the things I just listed, and dig high concept science fiction that takes itself way too seriously, you need to see this flick pronto. Even more so if your name is Tonto and you live in Toronto.

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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (Tobe Hooper, 1986)

An inoperative chainsaw as a metaphor for erectile dysfunction is just one of the many subtle intricacies that populate the astounding The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Tobe Hooper's logically titled, demented follow-up to the highly influential 1974 horror flick about a crazed family of maverick meat packers. The roads of Texas may be unclogged of inquisitive hippies (the year is now 1986), but that doesn't mean there ain't tons of people driving around out there who are unwilling to become the prime ingredient in an award winning bowl of chili. What has always struck me as strange is how chainsaws, human butchery and Texas became intertwined with one another. I mean, the image of clearing brush on your ranch with a chainsaw has since become commonplace (even though I still don't associate the state of Texas with the lumber industry), but chainsaws and slaughterhouses are definitely a weird combination (the chainsaw is meant for wood, not meaty flesh). Nevertheless, it's the instrument of choice of Leatherface and the gang when comes to dispatching the human animal. And am I glad it is, as it is quite the menacing tool when wielded improperly in a non-forested environment. The story basically involves a cowboy hat-wearing Texas Ranger named Lefty (Dennis Hopper) who is obsessed with finding the Sawyer family, the cannibalistic cabal whom he believes killed his brother back in the '70s, and itching to exact some Texas-style revenge on them. Again, I'm not 100% sure if acquiring vengeance via the rumbling splendour that only a large chainsaw can provide is how things are normally hashed out in Texas. But for the sake of this movie, I'm willing to go along with it.
 

 
Helping Lefty out in his quest for man-eater blood is Stretch (Caroline Williams), a local DJ who listened while the Sawyer's took out a couple of obnoxious frat boys while making a request on their car phone, and, for some inexplicable reason, she wants to assist the slightly unbalanced lawman.
 

 
The opening shot of a head being turned into a broken water fountain assured me that I was in the presence of something special. However, it was the sheer looniness of the radio station confrontation and the extended nut-jobbery of the showdown in the subterranean labyrinth the Sawyer's call home that comforted me the most. It's true, the dinner party sequence pretty much plays out exactly the same way it did in part one; their now 137 year-old grandpa is wheeled out and encouraged to hit a woman in the head with a hammer. But this film had a romantic subplot, chainsaw thrusting, and a ruined Sonny Bono wig.
 

 
In a way, I can understand the other two, but a romantic subplot? Yeah, that's right, Leatherface (Bill Johnson) falls in love. Other than the sight of a totally bonkers Dennis Hopper screaming nonsensical gibberish of a biblical nature while sawing support beams, the humanization of Leatherface was the film's strangest turn of events. I get misty just thinking about the scene where Leatherface forces Stretch to wear the freshly cut-off face skin of a deceased co-worker.
 

 
If you thought Dennis Hopper's acting execution sounded a little kooky, he ain't got nothing on the stellar crazy turned in by Bill Moseley (Repo! The Genetic Opera) as Bo 'Chop Top' Sawyer, the most excitable member of the Sawyer brood. In a seemingly constant state of extreme agitation, Bill twitches and rants like a raving lunatic ("Dog will hunt. Get that bitch, Leatherface"). Abundantly supplied with quirky eccentricities of an off-putting nature, my absolute favourite had to be his penchant for heating the end of a wire coat hanger with a cigarette lighter and then sticking in his ear. I'm not sure, but I think he did this in order to loosen up his ear wax, so that he could consume it more efficiently (liberated ear wax is easier to eat than subjugated ear wax).
 

 
Anyway, I found this bit of oddness to be the insane icing on the top of an already messed up cake/performance.
 

 
A screeching angel wailing madly amidst all the chaos, Caroline Williams is gorgeousness personified as Stretch, the leggy DJ who entertains the Dallas area with her nightly rock and roll radio show.
 

 
The music heard on her radio show is surprisingly not lame. Check this shit out: Oingo Boingo ("No One Lives Forever"), The Cramps ("Goo Goo Muck"), The Lords of the New Church ("Good to Be Bad", and a couple of songs by Concrete Blonde.
 

 
Fans of Skinny Puppy will recognize some of the dialogue uttered in the film, as the band sampled quite heavily from it on their Cleanse, Fold, and Manipulate album. In particular, Stretch's "They live on fear" is used on the song "Shadow Cast."
 

Getting back to the subject at hand. Her scrumptious lower-half sheathed in a delectable pair of denim short-shorts, her upper-half in a never buttoned denim cowboy shirt (girl, I dig the sparkly touches on the collar), Miss Williams is put through hell in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. In that, from the moment she finds Chop Top lounging in her radio station's lobby, she is under constant threat of being eviscerated by a chainsaw.
 

 
Saved only by the glistening sweat on her exquisite gams, the stressed out disc jockey repeatedly uses her sexy legs to sway Leatherface into not murdering her. Yet, when employing her shapely stems is no longer an option, I thought Caroline still did an excellent job of manipulating the lovesick chainsaw enthusiast; even it means wearing a co-worker's recently removed face as a mask.
 

 
If you're wondering how Stretch manages to keep her mouth-watering legs looking so taut, you needn't look no further than the stairs that lead up to the radio station she works. Walking up and down stairs is an excellent way to strengthen your leg muscles.
 

 
I also liked the inconsistency of her gutsiness. Sometimes she is able to fight back in an effective manner, sometimes she just screamed and hoped for the best. This plucky to non-plucky ratio is summed up perfectly during the film's mountain showdown; an epic struggle that culminates in with of the most satisfying and bold final shots of the era. In other words: This movie fucking rules.

video uploaded by The Tobe Hooper Fan Page

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