Motel Sweets (Eric Edwards, 1987)

Did creepy men in raincoats still go to see "adult movies" in theatres back in 1987? If so, I wonder if any of them were as horrified as I was when they saw what porn had done to Taija Rae. Sure, she could have done it to herself. But I have a feeling someone within porn industry forced Taija to loose all that weight. If you don't know, the main reason Taija Rae is so fondly remembered as one of the greatest porn stars of the 1980s has nothing to do with her acting or charisma. No, the reason porn fans the world over loved Taija so much was because her body had oomph. What's "oomph," you ask? Well, to put it another way, Taija's body had a shapeliness to it that caused her to stand out in the porn crowd. Nowadays, porn stars come in all shapes and sizes. But back in the 1980s, all porn stars looked pretty much the same. Of course, stars like, Keisha and Lois Ayres stood out as well. But Taija Rae had that all-natural look long before anybody else. Which is why it was such a shame to see it eroded in Eric Edwards' Motel Sweets, a tepid porn sitcom set in a motel. Now, I wanted to say, "set in a weird motel," but the motel in this movie isn't as weird as Eric Edwards thinks it is. At any rate, getting back to Taija Rae's drastic weight loss. I don't know what she did to lose so much weight (drugs, perhaps?), but seeing her as an emaciated stick figure was disheartening. Her thick, delicious thighs reduced to formless pipe cleaners. Her rotund rump robbed of its ripple-inducing splendour. Her child-bearing hips plundered of their innate sway-appeal. Her juicy... Well, you get the idea.

Since I don't want this entire exercise to be about Taija Rae's tragic transformation from a shapely porn goddess to a gaunt, cocaine-soaked bag of skin, I'll try to complain about something else. Hmm, there's so much to choose from. (How about the fact that you have to wait thirty whole minutes before a pulsating pussy is properly penetrated by a pockmarked penis?) Nah, that's the kind of thing the raincoat crowd would complain about. I actually liked the fact that Eric Edwards made an attempt to tell a story. Only problem being, it's no Squalor Motel. And that right there is my biggest non-Taija-drastic-weight-loss-related problem with this movie. It thinks it's Squalor Motel. But trust me, it ain't.

As I stated earlier, Motel Sweets isn't as weird as it thinks it is. It also doesn't help that Eric Edwards' late night motel manager keeps saying that Friday nights bring out the weirdos. Every time he would refer these so-called "weirdos," I would say: What weirdos?

Yes, the extremely fussy Mrs. Tirebiter is a tad on the eccentric side, but Tantala Ray is basically channeling Audra Lindley's Mrs. Roper from Three's Company. In other words, she's not exactly weird. That being said, Tantala Ray proves yet again that she is one the finest actresses in the business. No matter what the role. Whether it be Moms, the owner of the cafe in Café Flesh, the warden in Desperate Women or the staunch lesbian in The Devil in Miss Jones 4, Tantala manages to elevate the material. However, unlike the movies I just mentioned, Motel Sweets needs all the help it can get.

While Tantala is working her milfy butt off to provide the comedy relief (to be fair, Eric Edwards says a few things that are on the cusp of being funny as well), who brings the sexy? After all, this is supposed to be a porno. And the last time I checked, porn is supposed to be sexy. At least it was back in the 1980s.

Well, since there's nothing sexy about Taija Rae in this movie, who's going to step in to fill the void? Why, it's none other than Shanna McCullough.

When I saw Shanna McCullough's delightfully round ass and workmanlike thighs appear onscreen for the very first time, I let out a sigh of relief. Bringing big booty majesty to the pre-Sir-Mix-a-Lot age, Shanna McCullough's never not pound-worthy organic structure is something I can always count on. And while Eric Edwards doesn't fully exploit Shanna McCullough's hefty thighs and larger than life buttocks to the degree I had hoped, I took solace in the fact that her curves were representin' something fierce.

However, until Shanna shows up, we have to endure Eric Edwards' wannabe film noir narration. Playing Sam Cooper, the night manager of a modest motel on the outskirts of town, Eric bemoans the fact that it's Friday night, his least favourite day of the week.

When Sam arrives to start the night-shift, he finds Taija Rae's Daisy the prostitute's skinny ass not making a dent in his office couch. I will say this, even though Taija no longer has the curves to properly fill her super-tight neon yellow tiger print hooker dress, the thrift store garment itself is quite fetching.

After we learn that Daisy prefers to be called "Sunshine" (she thinks it's more skank-appropriate), Martha (Tantala Ray) and George Tirebiter (Wayne Stevens) walk in the door. While Martha is paying the 27.50 for room 13, George is getting a cup of coffee. Well, at least he's trying to. You see, the coffee is as thick as molasses. And in order to stop the flow, you need a pair of scissors. Even though the cutting the coffee gag is only employed twice, it feels like it's employed at least five times. What I think I'm trying to say is: Would somebody fuck someone already.

Just kidding, I'm a big fan of character development. Besides, I loved it when Martha Tirebiter calls the front desk to complain that the toilet in her room doesn't have a sanitation strip on it, and Juanita (Ona Z), the night maid, misinterprets Sam's instructions to put a sanitation strip room 13's toilet (there's a bit of a language barrier between them). Instead putting a strip on their toilet, she performs a striptease, complete with black fully-fashioned stockings and wacky sound effects, for a befuddled Martha and George. I know this is an odd thing to say, but pay close attention to Tantala's face as Ona Z strips, her exaggerated facial expressions are pure gold.

Unlike the coffee cutting gag, the language barrier bit between Sam and Juanita is actually employed several times over the course of the film. (Several?!?) Okay, maybe three or four times. But still, it's more than two. Anyway, Juanita ends up in a three-way with a couple of truckers (Billy Dee and Jon Martin) and screwing Robert Bullock's Al the bug guy, who can be usually found hanging out in The Rusty Pipe Lounge, which, I have to say, is nowhere as cool as The Reptile Room, the motel-adjacent club from Squalor Motel.

After Sam gives newlyweds, Tom (Mike Horner) and Trisha (Shanna McCullough), a room on the house, Daisy/Sunshine finally hooks up with her trick for the evening. Now, I have to say, this guy (Nick Random) could be viewed as weird. I know, he seems harmless, but that puppet sex routine involving Mr. Weasel she makes Daisy/Sunshine partake in was not even close to being normal. In fact, you could call it abnormal. Either way, after some puppet-based foreplay, Nick Random sticks his dick Taija's primary fuck-hole... and the crowd goes wild.

(How come you didn't mention the fact that we get to see the tops of Taija's stockings during the puppet scene?) If Taija's thighs were the size they were a year ago, than, yes, I would have mentioned the tops of her stockings. But her thighs aren't the size they were a year ago, are they? No, they aren't. So, screw Taija's scrawny thighs.

As for Shanna McCullough... damn, girl! Sure, she doesn't wear stockings, but Shanna McCullough's rooftop sex scene with Mike Horner pretty much saved this movie from being an exercise in tedium.

Actually, Nikki Knights' "Devilina," who wears red suspender hose, does her best to fight tedium as well, with her devilish performance as "The Devil." While I liked Taija's hooker dress, I couldn't help but laugh when Devilina calls it "god awful" and tells her to "burn it."

You could say the same things about Motel Sweets. But it's not really all that bad. And, yes, the raincoat crowd must have found the thirty minute wait for penetration to be excruciating, I could care less. No, the film's biggest problems are simply this: Taija Rae is not hot as a skinny slut (Marlene Willoughby, on the other hand, is a hot skinny slut) and the film is basically a poor man's Squalor Motel.

White Bunbusters (Gregory Dark, 1985)

Don't worry, I'm going to talk about Shanna McCullough's killer thighs and what is easily the best porn movie theme song of all-time, I just want to discuss the A-Busters' business model before I go any further. Oh, and, just in case you're wondering, Shanna McCullough's killer thighs and the best movie theme song of all-time both appear in Gregory Dark's White Bunbusters, the zany poop-chute compromising fuck-flick that bills itself as: "The World's First All Double-Penetration Shocker!" Okay, from where I was sitting, it would seem that the A-Busters provide a service. As to what exactly this service actually entails is still a bit of a mystery to me. Sure, they have an office. They have tools. They even advertise (their radio spot is heard during the film at one point). But what do they do? They will tell you that they help women overcome their reluctance to allow grown ass men to insert their erect penises into their brownish assholes. But all I saw was a couple of rapists who force their mostly female victims to endure a steady barrage of condom-free cock in every orifice imaginable. Granted, there is an instance where a porn star named Cha-Cha (Rachel Ryan) enlists the help of the A-Busters (she says something about wanting them to loosen her rectum before a big shoot), but more often than not, The A-Busters basically show up at your door (wielding an inordinate amount of crap pipe-related gear and equipment) and sexually assault you... in the ass.

Of course, the reason I think the A-Busters are glorified serial rapists, and not entrepreneurs, is because I'm not currently existing in 1985. You see, back in 1985, door-to-door anal rape startups were seen as no big deal. But in today's outrage obsessed nothing-verse, companies like, The A-Busters; Rectally Yours; Sphinctersoft (softening your sphincter since the mid-1970s); and All Up In Your Bum, Inc., fail within the first two months. And not because of poor business acumen on the part of the owners. But because door-to-door anal rape is frowned upon. And I, for one, I'm glad it's frowned upon, as there's nothing funny about door-to-door anal rape. On the other hand, that doesn't mean I can't enjoy a thoroughly repugnant, occasionally hilarious hour long ode to the door-to-door anal rapists of yore. And that's exactly what this is.

Besides, even the most humour-challenged, politically correct nincompoop will love the film's catchy theme song. Written by Johnny Jump-Up (a.k.a. Antonio Passolini) and Wavy Dave, the song, which is playful, funny, clever and frightfully stupid all at once, will bore its way into your brain, and remain there for the rest of your life. Seriously, it's the kind of song that can and will pop into your head at any given moment.

"I'm going to call the White Bunbusters. And no matter where you are, they're going to bust your fucking buns. White Bunbusters, they're really going to bust some buns. White Bunbusters, they will fuck anything but nuns. "They're the WHITE!!!! Bunbusters! WHITE!!!! Bunbusters! Call White Bunbusters!

The almost five minute long song plays over the opening credits, which boasts a montage of all the wacky degradation we'll be "enjoying" over the next hour or so. If you don't like what you see during the opening credits, you might as well tap out now, as the montage is a pretty accurate sampling of what's to come. However, you would be a fool to "tap out." Unless, of course, you have an aversion to killer thighs. You don't, right? Have an aversion to killer thighs? That would be sad if you did. Anyway, the prospect of being rewarded with the sight of Shanna McCullough's shapely thighs encased in red fishnet stockings is worth any mental anguish you might suffer at the hands of this double-penetration opus.

An opus that opens with John Doe (Tom Byron) plowing into his wife's vagina with his cock. Utilizing the missionary position, John's bunny slipper-wearing wife, Jane (Shanna McCullough), doesn't seem all that responsive to the humping her hubby is putting forth for their mutual benefit. Checking her nails in-between his lackluster thrusts, Jane looks like she would rather be somewhere else.

Noticing this, John decides to mix things up, and sheepishly tries to insert his cock into Jane's anus. This hangdog attempt to penetrate her chocolate starfish does not go over well, as Jane protests by telling John, flat out, that she doesn't want his dick in her ass. Realizing he's in a no win situation, John backs down, and says to Jane: "Will you at least suck my penis." After thinking it over for two, maybe three seconds, Jane agrees and takes John's dingle-doodle  tonsil deep until it spews tiny droplets of cum all over her face and hair.

At work the next day, John and Bob (Greg Rome), his friend/co-worker, are sitting around the offices (their desks, by the way, are made out cardboard boxes) of ACME Proctological listening to Dark Brothers radio (the official radio station of the Dark Brothers). When the topic of anal sex comes up, Bob tells John all about the A-Busters. Actually, the ad for the A-Busters that airs on Dark Brothers radio does most of the legwork when it came to explaining the A-Buster's modus operandi. Either way, it's obvious that John is intrigued.

We get more information about their unique methods in the next scene, when we're whisked into the offices of the A-Busters. From what I could gather, the A-Busters seem to be two guys, Tex (Marc Wallice) and Doc (Steve Powers), who share an office (like ACME Proctological, their desks are made out of cardboard boxes). And every once and awhile, their phone would ring. This usually prompts them to yell "Ayyyyyyy-Busters!" When they do this, you can almost guarantee that some poor woman is about to get her buns busted.

Since it wouldn't be a Gregory Dark movie without Jack Baker, the animated actor appears briefly as a man whose wife (Erica Boyer) won't let him fuck her in the ass. When the A-Busters show up, wearing their trademark orange-tinted goggles, work boots, yellow suspenders and orange baseball hats, they grab Erica Boyer and begin to violate her. Eventually, the A-Buster's cocks wind up in Erica Boyer's vagina and butthole simultaneously. I thought it was odd that the A-Busters felt the need to penetrate Erica Boyer vaginally as well. I mean, they're the "A"-Busters," not the "V"-Busters." Whatever, they ejaculate seminal fluid all over Erica Boyer and Jack Baker pays them. Wait, did Jack Baker just pay two guys dressed like gay disco plumbers to rape his wife? Again, I'm not quite sure what kind service the A-Busters actually provide.

After the A-Busters are finished busting Erica Boyer's buns, you'll notice that Tex and Doc spray their flaccid bun busters with some kind of liquid. I'm guessing it's disinfectant. Sort of like, Lysol Antibacterial Kitchen Cleaner. Except instead of spraying it on counter tops, they spray it on their cocks.

Since Jane still isn't providing John with the anal delights he desires, John decides to stick his cock in the ass that belongs to Bobette (Keli Richards), Bob's wife. However, as Bob clearly states, this is a one time deal. The look on John's face when Bob says, "I can't let you come over every night and fuck my wife in the ass," spoke volumes, as I bet he genuinely thought that this could be a regular thing.

When a budding secretary (Jennifer Noxt) shows up at ACME Proctological for a job interview, John and Bob pepper her with questions: "How's your typing? Do you take shorthand? Dictation? Do you take it up the ass?" Anyone care to guess what happens next? That's right, they fuck her in the ass. Well, one of them fucks her in the ass, the other one makes his home in her vagina.

The great thing about this scene, beside the fact that both cocks move during the double-penetration phase (in scenes like these, one cock typically does the bulk of the thrusting, while the other one just sort of sits there languishing in a vaginal/colon stew), is that Jennifer Noxt's Velveeta is the only woman who is seen standing in this film. Come to think of it, they actually showing her walking at one point. This blew my mind. Seriously. Standing and walking? Madness.
  

After the A-Busters are done busting the buns of a new wave punk porn star named Cha-Cha (Rachel Ryan), she has sex with some guy (Dick Rambone) she had hidden under her bed (talk about filler).

Will John call the A-Busters, and get his rectal reward... Hold on. Let's say he does call them, and they come over and penetrate Jane's a-hole with their cocks. What happens next? Call me crazy, but what I think the film is trying to say is this: After the A-Busters have "serviced" your wife, she will allow you to penetrate her anus with your penis. Personally, if my husband did this to me, I would call the police. That being said, this is the type of film that shows a woman standing and walking for a split-second, while the rest of the time they're usually lying spread eagle or on all fours with their asses in the air. In other words, good luck getting the cops to be on your side.
   

  
On the bright side, all the women, except for Erica Boyer, wear lace fingerless gloves, stockings, high heel shoes during their sex scenes. And I did laugh when Shanna McCullough says to John: "My Mama told me, Jane, don't stick things in your ass."  [If you want to be cool like me and watch White Bunbusters, head on down to Eyesore Cinema and they will hook you up. Tell 'em Yum-Yum sent ya.]

Deviations (Domingo Lobo, 1983)

The producers of Deviations must have read my review for Rock Hard (or the very least, skimmed it), as it manages to avoid many of the same mistakes that film made. If you recall, my biggest complaint about Rock Hard was that two out of the three members of Adonna and the Sexelettes (the one's not named Adonna) did jack shit while on stage. In other words, they were glorified back-up dancers. Whoa, I just realized something, Deviations came out in 1983 (two years before Rock Hard). Meaning, there's no way the producers of Deviations could have read or skimmed my review. You know what that means, right? Exactly, the producers of Deviations decided to put musical instruments in the hands of the band at the centre of this San Francisco shot masterpiece on their own. Oh, and by "masterpiece," I'm referring to films that are in the rock porn genre. Anyway, just because the band members hold musical instruments, doesn't necessarily mean they know what to do with them. I'm looking at you, Connie Lindstrom. To be fair, this was Connie's first (and probably last) film. So, you can forgive her not knowing the proper way to hold a guitar. But then again, Connie Lindstrom's unorthodox guitar playing could be seen as her way of standing out from the crowd.

However, since it's 1983, you're going to need to do more than have a guitarist who holds their guitar funny to stand out.

Holy crap! It just dawned on me, they don't have a bass player. That's right, no bass!

And that poses a big problem for The Four Foxes, an all-girl pop band with new wave overtones. No, not the lack of a bass player... well, maybe that too. Nevertheless, the band can't seem to make any headway in the music industry.

(No headway, eh? Hmm, I wonder if giving head to others will lead them to attaining some of this "headway" you speak of.)

Lead by Ellen (Shanna McCullough), a shapely delight with killer thighs, The Four Foxes spend most of their time jamming in their fortress-like apartment/rehearsal space and getting... (Hold on, I gotta an idea. Why don't The Four Foxes emphasize Ellen's killer thighs?) They might just have to do that the way things are going. Only problem being, yep, you guessed it, Ellen has artistic integrity. (Killer thighs and artistic integrity? Now that's a losing combination.) Tell me about it.

While the other Foxes are more than willing to degrade themselves to get ahead, Ellen resists the urge to lower herself.

Sure, she'll have sex with a snake. But ask her to wear skimpy lingerie on stage and sing songs about anal sex? I don't think so.

Oh, and don't worry, I'll get to the snake in a minute.

After a close up shot of the cleavage belonging to Connie (Connie Lindstrom), the band's guitar player, the film gets underway. The other band members are introduced in a similar fashion. The band's drummer, Ginger (Adrienne Bellaire), is introduced via a close up of her camel toe in tight shorts, and the band's keyboard player, Goldie (Robin Everett), is introduced by focusing on her righteous booty in tight pink and white shorts. As for Ellen, she gets a close up all right, but it doesn't occur during the opening scene.

Belting out a song with lyrics like, "I love his hair and the clothes he wears... darling, oh, darling," Ellen's band is obviously not very good.

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door, or, I should say, a buzz. Would you look at that, it's Mr. Grundic, the band's landlord. Demanding that they pay their rent, Mr. Grundic threatens to evict them if they don't cough up the dough. Not wanting to be evicted, Goldie steps up to the plate. Removing her pink top, Goldie puts on a leopard print bikini, and offers to sit on Mr. Grundic's face in order to get a two week extension.

And the sexy blonde with the low center of gravity does exactly that, she sits on his face.

When the door-buzzer rings again, Goldie thinks it's Mr. Grundic back for more face-sitting. But it's only Stanley (Mike Horner), their next-door neighbour. Repaying Ellen with two cartons of eggs for the two eggs borrowed earlier in the week, it's clear that Stanley has a crush on her.

How could I tell? Check out the look on his face as he watches Ellen go to the kitchen to get Stanley some milk for his cereal, he wants to do nasty things to that booty. And why wouldn't he? Shanna McCullough has one of the most stain-worthy bums in porn.

Since jamming in their apartment isn't going to make them any money, The Four Foxes audition for Paul (Billy Dee) and Sybil (Lili Marlene), the owners of a local club. Wearing her finest black hose and a black and white striped dress, Ellen gives it her all, as she sings that awful, "darling, oh, darling," song.

While Paul thinks they're okay, Sybil dismisses The Four Foxes as "bubblegum," and tells her partner to break the bad news to them (Ellen is crestfallen). As they're leaving the club, Ginger is approached by Ziggy Rockstein, a music producer of some kind. Informing her that her band needs a gimmick, Ziggy says he's going to noodle with some ideas that are sure to make her band a success.

Meanwhile, back at Four Foxes HQ, Ellen dismisses the song she's currently working on as "cornball,"  and begins to openly bemoan the fact that she can't seem to express her true feelings in her lyrics.

Openly bemoaning must be a thing in this film's universe, as Paul and Sybil are doing exactly that at their club. Complaining that the crowds at their club are not as big as they used to be, Paul and Sybil are struggling to make ends meet. In  a moment of unexpected clarity, the stylish and sophisticated Sybil blames punk, new wave and blues rock for their financial woes, which she believes have become stagnant in recent years.

Instead of doing something about it, Paul and Sybil decide to have sex on the bar (I loved the close up of Sybil's garter belt adorned butt grinding against their modest returns as a direct result of Paul's first-rate thrusts - the bar is littered with cash).

Intertwined with  Paul and Sybil's bar sex scene is Ziggy and Ginger's meeting to discuss his ideas for The Four Foxes. As expected, Ziggy isn't all that interested in discussing his ideas. Well, for one thing, he doesn't have any. But more importantly, he seems more interested in eating Ginger's pussy, which he states that he's had a "burning desire" to do so since he first laid eyes on her.

After Connie and a reluctant Ellen (who still feels cheap) earn money posing for some wrestling photos (I'm a fan of the wrestling fetish, but only if the women are wearing slips), the band celebrate this sudden of influx of cash by drinking champagne on their deck. It's here that the idea to become more outrageous is born.

As Goldie is going on and on about how lewd they should be, Ginger chimes in and says, "We should change our name to The Deviations!" And with that, a new band is born. But what does Ellen think of all this? Who cares, let's get these gals in lingerie, stat!

Offended that the photo-shoot set up by Ziggy and the wrestling fetish photographer to promote their new look has turned into an orgy, Ellen storms off and has sex with a snake in another room. (Seriously?) Seriously. Coiled around her black fishnet-adorned legs, Ellen basically allows the snake to do everything but penetrate her vagina.

Speaking of penetrating vaginas, I can't believe that lumpy fuck Ziggy gets at least four helpings of pussy in this movie. It just goes to show you that even lumpy fucks can get laid if they... Actually, I have no idea he managed to pull this off. I guess it helps that he's in a position of power, but still... he's so fucking lumpy.

Debuting their new sound at Paul and Sybil's club, the Deviations hit the stage with a feisty, lingerie-clad aplomb.

Call me somewhat deranged, by I kinda liked The Deviations' music. Grabbing the mic, Ellen begins to wail: "We're The Deviations, we're into new creations / Normal is boring, kinky is wild / We're not straight, we deviate / I'm not mild, I'm a wild child... Let us demonstrate, how we deviate!" Don't judge me too harshly, but I was singing those lyrics under my breath in the supermarket the following day. And, as we all know, that's the hallmark of quality cinema.