Meet the Applegates (Michael Lehmann, 1990)

Over the past year, I've seen the stocking tops of rock legend Deborah Harry (Drop Dead Rock), Star Trek: DS9 actress Nana Visitor (The Spirit), Dame Helen Mirren (The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover) and Brat Pack-adjacent cutie-pie Jami Gertz (Less Than Zero). Well, you can add another stocking top glimpse to my ever-growing list. No, not Stockard Channing. What's that? Cami Cooper? Uh-uh, not her either. At around the midway point in Meet the Applegates, the best satire about a family of giant praying mantis' living in suburban Ohio to come out in 1990, and, not to mention, the third best "Meet" movie from the period (Meet the Hollowheads is #1, while Meet the Feebles comes in at #2), we get to see the tops of Dabney Coleman's stockings. You heard right. I said, Dabney Coleman. I'll give you a few seconds to adjust your genitals, as they no doubt changed shape the moment I said Dabney Coleman's name in correlation with stocking tops. Are you good? Great. While I was already sold on this movie way before he even makes his first appearance, Dabney Coleman in drag pretty much solidified its standing as a substantial work of art.

Taking place in the same small town Ohio universe that birthed Heathers and Welcome Home Roxy Carmichael, Meet the Applegates... Actually, now that I think about it, Meet the Applegates could be seen as a sequel to Heathers. Sure, the script lacks Daniel "Fuck Me Gently With a Chainsaw" Waters' trademark snarky dialogue. It does, however, boast other less important  Heather alumni, such as writer-director Michael Lehmann, tubby southern dandy Glenn Shadix, three out of the four producers (including Denise Di Novi), and Mark Bringelson and Chuck Lafont (the cops from the "oh, man, I can't believe they were fags" scene). So, you see, it's got a lot more going for it than Dabney Coleman in drag.

If that wasn't enough... (Yeah, yeah. Not only does Dabney Coleman appear in drag, but he plays a praying mantis disguised as Dabney Coleman dressed in drag.) I was going to say, Susan Barnes (Repo Man) puts on a kooky sweater clinic in this movie. But you're kind of right. There are actually multiple levels going on with Dabney Coleman's character.

Let's see if I can break it down: Dabney Coleman plays Aunt Bea, the queen of a species of large praying mantises who live in the Amazon rainforest. In order to pass as human, Aunt Bea uses the body of a man who looks like Dabney Coleman. And since Aunt Bea is still a female praying mantis underneath her Dabney Coleman costume, she instinctively wears women's clothing.

Not to toot my own horn, but that has got to be the greatest Dabney Coleman/Aunt Bea break down ever.

The reason Aunt Bea is trying to pass as human is because the forest her species of praying mantis (the "Brazilian Cocorada bug") calls home is being threatened by deforestation. And since they can't strike back at humanity looking like praying mantises (though, I can't see why not), they decide instead to go undercover. And this is where the Applegates come in.

Sent on a mission to destroy a nuclear power plant in suburban Ohio, the Applegates,  Dick Applegate (Ed Begley Jr.), Jane Applegate (Stockard Channing), Sally Applegate (Cami Cooper) and Johnny Applegate (Robert Jayne, a.k.a. Bobby Jacoby), pretend to be an average American family.

In-between keeping Aunt Bea informed of their progress and maintaining the illusion that they're normal, the Applegate's struggle to resist the many temptations that humans face on a daily basis.

The first to succumb to temptation is Sally, who causes Vince Samson (Adam Biesk - Corey Halfrick from My So-Called Life), a high school football player, to pop a chubby when she walks by in red shorts. Now, it should be noted that while Sally is interested in Vince (and his erect penis), she clearly didn't want him to rape her on a trampoline.  No, that's definitely not what she intended. As a result of this rape, Sally's gets pregnant. However, instead of calling the police, Sally elects to rap him up in a cocoon and hide his anesthetized corpse in her bedroom closet.

In today's world, rape and high school football go hand in hand. But back in 1990, rape was frowned upon. In other words, this was a big deal back then. Or maybe it wasn't. I remember it being illegal, that's for sure.

You could apply the same logic almost every temptation subplot. Take Bobby's dilemma, for example. If you were to see a movie or a TV show made today that featured a teenage boy smoking pot, you would probably shrug your shoulders. But back in 1990, smoking pot was a no-no. As you might expect, the sight of a fresh-faced Bobby–who befriends Kevin and Kenny (Philip Arthur Ross and Steven Robert Ross), a couple of stoners/headbangers in matching denim vests–smoking weed out of a bong sent shock waves across the square, Just Say No-saturated landscape that was 1990.

Since I'm on a role, I might as well bring up Jane's temptation, which is, credit card debt. While browsing the local dumpsters for groceries (remember, they're praying mantises, not people), Jane makes friends with Opel Withers (Susan Barnes), the stylish wife of Dick's boss. When Opel takes Jane clothes shopping, she is surprised to learn that Jane doesn't have a credit card. Well, you can pretty much guess what happens next. (Jane gets a credit card?) And not only that... (She accumulates a massive credit card bill?) Well, yeah.

Anyway, like rape and marijuana usage, credit card debt is now seen as an everyday part of life. In fact, if you're not a pot smoking rapist in debt, the government views you with suspicion.

Should I mention Dick's temptation? What the hell. It's basically sex. The temptation for a man to mount the milfy hips of a shapely co-worker in a sexual manner  has always been around, so, this subplot lacks the bite of the others. Nonetheless, I found Savannah Smith Boucher's "milfy hips" to be sublime and would mount them in a New York minute... if she wanted me to. Remember kids. Rape is against the law. Oh, and Miss Boucher, in case you're wondering, plays "Dottie," Dick's sultry secretary.

While not really a temptation, per se, I thought the film's pro-environmental message to be a tad ahead of its time. Most folks don't know this, but the only people who were genuinely interested protecting the environment back in 1990 were Sting and, ironically, Ed Begley Jr., so, to see a relatively mainstream Hollywood movie imply that cutting down the rainforest could have a negative effect on the planet's ecosystem was quite daring.

If I didn't know any better, I think, judging by what I've written so far, that this film is trying to tell us something. Sure, it might have failed miserably at stopping the rise of rape culture, and its stance on drugs might seem outdated in today's pro-legalization climate, but Meet the Applegates was on the cutting edge when it came to saving the planet.

Messages aside, the film is actually funny in places. The biggest laugh comes when Jane stumbles across Dick watching television in the middle of the afternoon, and Dick says, "I thought I'd take the afternoon off to watch some curling." I don't know if Dick knows this, but watching curling is the least normal thing an American can do.

As the Applegate's start to run out of places to hide all the people they've "kidnapped" (each family member ends up cocooning someone in a sack made out of fibrous material), things begin to spiral out of control. It doesn't help matters that Dick's hooked on milf pussy, Jane's become a shopaholic, Johnny's a drug addict and Sally's a pregnant lesbian. If only there was a way for humanity and nature to coexist with one another. According to this film, coexistence is possible. But that dream has long since died. Well, that was a depressing thought. To cheer myself up, I'm going to put on my winklepickers and dance to The Sisters of Mercy... in the dark. "Black. Black planet. Black. Black world." Oh, yeah... that's the stuff.

Special thanks to Stacie for recommending this movie.

Tiptoes (Matthew Bright, 2003)

Okay, I've stalled long enough. It's time to talk about Tiptoes. (You were stalling?) Wasn't I? Think about it. (Aw, man, don't make us think. It's not a good look for us.) No, hear me out. Call it aught-phobia, call it achondroplasiaphobia, call it a nice greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray, but I always avoided this movie like it were the plague or The Big Bang Theory. Everyone once and a while, I would come across the film's poster and think: This looks like a giant piece of shit. To add insult to injury, the way the film's poster combined the colour green and Matthew McConaughey reminded me of The Wedding Planner. However, upon further inspection, I noticed that something weird was going on with Patricia Arquette and Kate Beckinsale's hair. The former's hair was in braids and the latter's hair had this Gary Oldman in Bram Stoker's Dracula vibe about it; to make matters even weirder, Kate was standing next to what looked like a regular-size Gary Oldman. More on Oldman's size in a minute. Either way, their respective kooky hairstyles caused me to do a little research. Well, it turns out, this movie, which, like I said, is called "Tiptoes," was directed by Matthew Bright, that's right, Squeezit/Rene from the Forbidden Zone and the guy responsible for Freeway and Freeway 2: Confessions of a Trickbaby . (How does that explain Patricia Arquette and Kate Beckinsale's hair?) If you have listened to director's commentary track on the DVD for the first Freeway movie, like I have, you're well aware that Matthew Bright had a hand in creating the various hairstyles seen throughout that now classic movie. And using my keen powers of observation, I can only assume that Matthew Bright was just as hands on when it came to the hairstyles in this movie as well.

Armed with the knowledge that Matthew Bright was the person who oversaw the follicle direction of this decidedly off-kilter project, I dove straight into its freckled coin slot with just the right amount of gusto. I know, the film probably had a team of hairstylists on the payroll (it even says here that Kate Beckinsale had her own personal hairstylist). But nothing gets put on film unless the director approves it first. In other words, I like to think that Matthew Bright had the final say when it came to hair.

Remember that big ass word I used earlier? (Achondroplasiaphobia?) Yeah, that's the ticket. It means the fear of little people. I don't have it, and I don't know anyone who has it, but apparently it's a real thing. Do you recall when I said that Gary Oldman looked "regular-size" on the film's poster? Yeah, well, how should I put this? He ain't so "regular-size" in the actual movie. That's right. The man who brought to life: Lee Harvey Oswald, Count Dracula, Sid Vicious, and Ludwig Van Beethoven is Rolfe, Matthew McConaughey's twin brother who penetrates Bridget The Midget's irregular pussy with his regular-size cock on a semi-regular basis.

I know, there's nothing "irregular" about little people pussy. In fact, I've been told it's the complete opposite of irregular. I was just being...What was I being again? Oh, yeah. I was being a dick; a dick, by the way, that is seemingly always on the outside when it comes to little people pussy.

While on their way to a meeting being held by the Little People Defense League, two little people, Rolfe (Gary Oldman), a normal-size actor wearing little-people-face, and Maurice (Peter Dinklage) a French Marxist with a grudge against society, stop to pick up a hitchhiker named Lucy (Patricia Arquette), a leggy free spirit, who, from the looks of it, was recently kicked off a bus. Hopping on the back of Maurice's trike chopper (Rolfe is driving one as well), the newly christened threesome continue on their way.

Meanwhile... You know what? I need to get something off my chest before I continue. I just want to say that I loved Patricia Arquette's overall look in this movie. Now, I might expand on these feelings later on down the road, but I just wanted to make it clear that Patricia Arquette's overall look in Tiptoes was a breathtaking sight to behold.

As I was saying, meanwhile, over at the loft where an artist named Carol (Kate Beckinsale) and Steven (Matthew McConaughey), a guy who trains firefighters, live together, a family secret is about to be revealed.

Well, the family secret in question is not going to be revealed to any of film's characters as of yet. However, we soon learn that Steven's entire family is made up of little people. Oh, and unlike Gary Oldman, Matthew McConaughey is playing his own height. I don't know why I felt the need to point that out, as Gary Oldman is the only actor not playing his own height. I guess I just didn't want people to think that all the actors were playing heights that weren't their own. (So, you say, Matthew McConaughey's family is little, eh? And by "little," I mean in stature, not in the size of the actual family.) No, I would say the family's size is quite normal in that regard. Not to imply that being little is somehow abnormal.

Anyway, judging by the way he interacts with the folks at the meeting of the Little People Defense League, hosted by Jerry Robin Jr. (David Alan Grier), he seems, despite the obvious height difference, to get along with everyone, including his parents, Bruno (Michael J. Anderson - The Man from Another Place) and Kathleen (Marcia de Rousse), and his siblings.

I would crawl across the muscled expanse that is Matthew McConaughey's acne-free shoulder blades to get the chance the chat up Tiffany (Cherub Freed), his smoking hot sister. I know, the Goldie Hawn-esque (Lucy's description, not mine) Kitty Katz (Debbie Lee Carrington) thinks she's the hottest little person in the room, even Bobby (Ed Gale), the guy who runs the Little People Defense League, seems to think so. But I have to say, I found myself drawn to the teenage angst bullshit Tiffany was putting out there. Oh, and like all the female characters in this movie, she has amazing hair.

"The asshole is the strongest muscle in the human body," and with that nugget of wisdom, Lucy, along with Rolfe and Maurice, arrives at the L.P.D.L. meeting. While Lucy and Maurice go inside, Steven and Rolfe, who walks with the aide of a cane, get reacquainted in the parking lot. I guess the people who the run the L.P.D.L. didn't approve of Lucy and Maurice's plan to steel their weight in food, as they are kicked out almost immediately.

"People just explode. Natural causes."

(What is this film actually about? I mean, other than the fact that Matthew McConaughey's shoulder blades are free of acne and that Cherub Freed is freaking adorable, you haven't done a very good explaining why this film exists.) First of all, since when do films need to justify their existence. And secondly, you sound like a "film critic" when you talk like that. (Ewww, I think I'm going to puke.)

You see, Carol–you remember, Kate Beckinsale's character–doesn't know that Steven's family is made up of little people, or, as she calls them, "midgets." So, when Carol tells Steven that she might be pregnant, his reaction to the news isn't exactly positive. You could say, he's downright hostile to the news. As you can imagine, things get even more complicated when Carol finds out Steven's little secret (get it, "little secret"). Neither of them want their baby to grow up to be a little person.

However, that all changes when Carol immerse herself in the little person scene. (Wait, there's a little person scene?) Sure, why not? It's tough being little. While Carol is open to idea of having a little person baby, Steven remains against it. You would think that Steven would the one open to idea, as he's spent his whole life around little people. Whereas, Carol was using the word "midget" just a couple of days ago. That's the brilliance of Tiptoes, it... (Stop! "The brilliance of Tiptoes"?!? What are you nuts? Gary Oldman is acting on his fucking knees. Peter Dinklage's French accent is a joke. And... Again, you're starting to sound like a "film critic.") Why can't a movie where Gary Oldman plays a little person and Peter Dinklage sounds like Pepé Le Pew be brilliant? (You're right. Carry on.)

Actually, I think I'm about done. In terms of having the best hair. I'm gong to say Kate Beckinsale's little person party look was the best -- you know, the one with the two large buns tied with a black ribbon. (Wow, I thought for sure you would have said Patricia Arquette's blonde braid look.) While I dug the braids, there was something about Kate's buns that sent me over the edge. On the other hand, I will give the denim/gold lamé outfit Patricia sports in the film my highest rating. Unfortunately, there's no director's commentary on the Tiptoes DVD, so we can't gain any insight into the making of this bizarre film. Nonetheless, I highly recommend listening to Matthew Bright's commentary Freeway DVD. I also recommend Matthew's commentary on the Fantoma Forbidden Zone DVD, the way he perves out every time Gisele Lindley appears onscreen is probably one of my favourite things in the world. Quirky fun-fact: The commentary track on the Fantoma Forbidden Zone DVD is the only commentary track I've listened to more than once.

Repo Man (Alex Cox, 1984)

Canoodling my subconscious like a gentle virus, Repo Man is a film that has lived with me for almost twenty years. From the days when I would tape snippets of dialogue from off the television and splice them with homemade industrial music to the time I used to be driven around the seedier parts of town in a large automobile made out of metal, this film has been a trusty companion. My thoughts on everything from friendship to employment, to youth culture and faith was shaped by the nonsensicality that transpires in this amorphous teaching tool masquerading as a ninety-minute movie produced by the wool-hatted member of The Monkees. I have even used the film to help boost my self-esteem whenever I've found myself cornered by those who have the gall to think they're hipper than me. Now, I know what you're thinking, and no, I don't use the fact I've seen the film well over thirty times to stymie their shifty, hipness-challenging advances. Nope. I tell them I own the soundtrack. However, this bit of information alone doesn't do the trick. Uh-uh. It's actually when tell them I own the soundtrack on vinyl that their hipster asses begin to crumple under the weight of my overwhelming coolness. The rush of smugness that courses through my retired porn star body as I over enunciate the word "vinyl" is downright exquisite. Educational and life affirming purposes aside, the wonderfully subversive film by Alex Cox still manages, after all these years, to exude the nourishment my undeveloped nerve endings crave so dearly just through the simple act of watching it. The fact that I have it memorized doesn't take anything away from the sheer nihilistic delight the film bestows upon me each time I look at it.

A surreal tonic for the disaffected soul, Repo Man is one of the few films that can unify the members even the most adversarial of subcultures. Well, except Mods, they never seemed to "get it" (even though there are actual Mods in it). But for everyone else, it's like watching deranged poetry.

A punk rock-fueled opus that appeals to new wavers, rude boys, industrial freaks, astrochemists, car thieves, Stacey Q fans, and linguistics majors, the film teaches us that life can be intense sometimes and that excessive driving can cause brain damage.

Lacking the proper parental guidance necessary to survive in the city of Los Angeles circa 1984, the film follows the misadventures of Otto (Emilio Estevez), an aimless juvenile delinquent who finds the structure he needs under the guise of Bud (Harry Dean Stanton), a street smart fella who repossess cars from people who have fallen behind in their payments. Learning the ropes from Bud, and to a lesser extent, Lite (Sy Richardson), Otto finds the repo business to be tough yet lucrative (it sure beats stacking cans of beans). Things are complicated slightly for Otto when he meets Leila (Olivia Barash), a UFO enthusiast and a young lady who just happens to possess a severe form of cuteness. Anyway, she's looking for a Chevy Malibu with space aliens in the trunk, and asks the rooky repo man to help.

Called me jaded, but that sounds like an easy enough task. Only problem is a secret arm of the U.S. government (lead by a metal-handed, leg-tastic Susan Barnes), the Rodriguez Brothers (Del Zamora and Eddie Velez), Otto's repo co-workers, and Debbi (Jennifer Balgobin), Duke (Dick Rude) and Archie (Miguel Sandoval), a trio of crime-obsessed punks, are also looking for the much sought after Malibu. Which is being driven by J. Frank Parnell (Fox Harris), an unstable individual whose mind might already be starting to erode.

Despite many attempts to sully his status as a cult movie hero with multiple acts of out-and-out lameness since its release, Emilio Estevez manages retain an air of blank dignity as Otto (his wide-eyed defiance and hatred of authority still reverberate). However, this air is no doubt retained due to the fact he gets to rub shoulders with the legendary Harry Dean Stanton, whose Bud has the temperament of a sage. Extolling handy wisdom at the drop of a drink (none of the products in this film have names that go beyond what they actually are), Stanton is quietly brilliant as the gruff and weary car taker backer.

Speaking of quietly brilliant, my two favourite performances are just that, quietly brilliant. The dishevelled Fox Harris (Dr. Caligari) and the equally dishevelled Tracey Walter are tremendous at displaying calmness in this topsy-turvy world. As well reciting the films most memorable monologues: Mr. Harris' being the one about the wonders of the neutron bomb and his overall mental, while Tracy's focused on the origins of humanity.

Comedically, I'd say Dick Rude's Duke and Zander Schloss as Kevin (Otto's pre-repo friend and co-worker) are the funniest characters in Repo Man. Spewing some of the films most quotable lines ("Let's get sushi and not pay" and "There's room to move as a fry cook."), Dick and Zander prove themselves to be adept comics whenever they appear on-screen.

On a non-comedic level, nothing quite beats the image of mohawked Jennifer Balgobin (Dr. Caligari) pointing a gun while in a silver raincoat. The super-adorable Olivia Barash brings a playful femininity to her plucky fruitcake role. Vonetta McGee shines whilst kneeing one g-man in the crotch and chairing another in the face. ("Shut up, Plettschner.") And I was surprised to find myself drawn to the steely presence of Susan Barnes this time around, and just like Miss Balgobin, the sight of a leggy Susan pointing a gun was just as alluring. (On the film's DVD commentary track, Sy Richardson sanely points out Susan's great legs as well.)

Gliding though the cockeyed proceedings like a drunken research scientist is the dreamlike music score by The Plugz. Sure, the film features songs by the likes of Black Flag, Circle Jerks and Iggy Pop, but it's The Plugz that make the film literally soar into the stratosphere. Their surf tinged guitars and electronic knob twiddling create a terrific aura, especially during "Reel Ten."

video uploaded by MorriconeRocks
...