Wet Hot American Summer (David Wain, 2001)

Of course, wouldn't you know it, all my memories of camp involve getting frostbite, sleeping in a mice-infested cabin and being shunned by chunky Finnish chicks. I mean, seriously, whose bright idea was it to drag a bunch of kids from the relative comfort of the big city and plop them in the middle of the wilderness? Oh, did I mention that this wilderness dragging took place in the middle of January? No? Well, it totally did. Sure, I didn't have to spend the entire winter up in Algonquin Park, but you try spending three days locked in a drafty cabin with a bunch of people you don't like. In other words, there were no Abby Bernstein's to swap mouth spit with, no burger-flavoured blondes to swap mouth spit with, and there were definitely no bowlegged brunettes named Katie to swap mouth spit with either. Even though it's filled heartbreak, casual child murder, flippant heroin usage and sexual perversions you didn't even think existed, I envied the characters who populate Wet Hot American Summer, one of the greatest summer camp movies of all-time.

All this talk of swapping mouth spit got me thinking: Anyone wanna guess whose mouth spit I desperately wanted to swap with after watching this movie? Okay, you in the purple muumuu. (I'm going to say, Ron von Kleinstain.) Yes, I wanna swap mouth spit with Judah Friedlander. Ha ha, very funny.

Yeah, you. Yeah, the guy in the Quebec Nordiques jersey. (Well, since you mentioned her first, and given you're exquisite taste in women, I'm going to go ahead and guess that you wanted to swap mouth spit with Abby Bernstein.) Ding, ding, motherfuckin' ding! We have a wiener. By the way, anytime I see someone wearing a hockey jersey that isn't a Quebec Nordiques jersey, I shake my head in disgust.

At any rate, not only did I want to swap mouth spit with Abby Bernstein, I wanted to pound her pussy into submission. I know, I better get in line if I want to pound anything located on Abby's shapely organic structure, as her wet hot American holes are very popular throughout Camp Firewood. But still, every time the sexy camp counselor in the pink "I've Been Civilized Long Enough" t-shirt would appear onscreen, significant biological changes would occur within certain pants-based parts of my anatomy.

In a weird twist, not much is really pounded in this movie. That is, if you don't count a helpless Frigidaire and Bradley Cooper's not quite limitless asshole, as both those things are pounded pretty hard. No, as far as showing the characters displaying affection for one another, writer-director David Wain seems to have a thing for open mouth kissing.

Alright, maybe calling it a "thing" is a bit of a stretch, but there were times where it felt like I was watching a series of scenes strung together that featured Paul Rudd's Andy aggressively making out with a burger-flavoured blonde (Elizabeth Banks) or a bowlegged brunette (Marguerite Moreau), or Abby Bernstein (Marisa Ryan) aggressively making out with, well, just about everyone.

Oh, and when I say, "everyone," I mean, everyone. Don't believe me. Okay, you see that kid who lit one of his farts on fire at the talent show? She totally makes out with him.

It's August 18, 1981 and it's the last day of camp. Located somewhere in the wilds of Maine, the campers and counselors at Camp Firewood have one last chance to make some memories that will, hopefully, last a lifetime.

A sexually frustrated camp counselor named Coop (Michael Showalter) sees this day as his final opportunity to woo Katie (that's right, the bowlegged brunette). Only problem being, she spends a better part of her day cleaning out the inside of Andy's mouth with her tongue.

While Coop's focus is on Katie, a sexually frustrated camp counselor named Victor (Ken Marino) sets his sights on Abby Bernstein, the hottest female camp counselor on the entire Eastern Seaboard.

When Victor spots Abby licking a spoon in the camp mess hall in an erotic manner, he nearly jizzes in his jean shorts.

It looks like the nerdy kid in the cape (Gabriel Millman) is beating both Coop and Victor to the punch. No, he's not making a play for Katie and Abby. He's hitting on a bunch of girls his own age in the mess hall. Sure, his attempt to court them goes terribly awry when the focal point of his advances (the blonde on the right) calls him a "douchebag", but at least he's making an effort. Which is more than I can say for the adults in this movie.

Take Henry (David Hyde Pearce), for example, a sexually frustrated astrophysicist who is spending the summer living in a cabin next to Camp Firewood. He's hit on by Beth (Janeane Garofalo), the camp director. But what does he do? He pushes her away after she asks him if would like to come teach the kids about science.

If you think that's it as far as sexually frustrated characters go, you would be wrong. Get ready, because we're about to meet Gene (Christopher Meloni), the camp's, you guessed it, sexually frustrated chef/Vietnam vet. Though, to be fair, Gene's frustration goes well beyond anything sexual. Whether letting slip that he has a bottle of dick cream, informing others that he wants to fondle his sweaters, getting the word out that he needs to smear mud on his ass, or telling those who will listen that he wishes to hump a fridge, Gene has some serious issues to work out. However, I don't think a single day in late August is enough time for Gene to fix what's wrong with him.

Or is it? You'd be surprised by what one can accomplish in a single day, especially at camp in the early 1980s.

The film's best scene when it comes to getting a lot of shit done in a short amount of time just happens to be the film's funniest. It's when Beth drives into town to pick up some lube for Nancy (Nina Hellman), the camp's nurse (the lube, by the way, is for her pussy). As she's driving away, a group of camp counselors hop in the back of her truck. What happens next is the greatest montage to involve french fry consumption, cigarette smoking, beer drinking, marijuana usage, back-alley cocaine purchasing, purse snatching and heroin abuse in the history of cinema.

I know, some people will tell you that the scene where a jean jacket wearing Paul Rudd reluctantly cleans up after himself in the mess hall is the funniest scene in the film. It's true, the scene is funny (he really doesn't want to pick up those utensils off the floor), but the amount of involuntary laughter I expelled from my primary laugh-hole as I watched a twitchy Janeane Garofalo laid out in the corner of a dilapidated drug den was off the charts.

Speaking of Janeane, the scene where her character puts mousse in her hair to impress Henry was very relatable. I mean, haven't we all put mousse in our hair to impress someone at some point in our lives? While the mousse does impress Henry (it gives her hair more volume), her lack of knowledge when it comes to astrophysics could doom their relationship before it even begins. However, a quick trip to the library solves  that problem, as the town's library has a surprisingly robust astrophysics section.

Oh, it wouldn't hurt if Henry stopped by the library to do some boning up as well (a relationship is a two way street). Luckily, like their astrophysics section, their one on camp directing is surprisingly robust as well.

Did I mention that Molly Shannon and Amy Poehler are in this movie? (like Andy, I'm way too lazy to check). Whatever, Molly plays an art teacher whose going through some marital problems (she's comforted by one of her students) and Amy Poehler plays the director... or is she the producer? She runs the camp's theatre with Bradley Cooper. Anyway, the art teacher plotline gets creepier and creepier as the film progresses and I loved it when Amy uses the word "usurp."  As in: "How dare you usurp my authority..." The emphasis she puts on "usurp" made me giggle.

Boasting a talking can of mixed vegetables, four child murders (well, two of them are negligent homicides), a gay tool shed sex scene, two Ruth Buzzi references, a character credited as "Cure Girl," a non-played baseball game (my favourite kind), "Love Is Alright Tonite" by Richard Springfield, Elizabeth Banks in a bikini, and at least two scenes that involve the stunning Abby Bernstein shoving a stick of gum in her mouth before inhaling some guys face, Wet Hot American Summer is one of the few movies to capture the spirit of the early 1980s, and I have no problem whatsoever placing it alongside other camp-set classics such as Sleepaway Camp and Little Darlings. Sex, drugs and casual child murder! Woo-hoo!

Clueless (Amy Heckerling, 1995)

Reinventing the way words are uttered and clothes are worn for an entire generation of open-minded men and stylish women, Clueless remains the pinnacle of teen cinema. Bubbling over with every conceivable colour in the known universe and sporting life lessons of a synergetic nature, the film, written and directed by the super-cute Amy Heckerling, deftly mixes the moronic with the profound, as it follows the adolescent ups and downs of one the most engaging and complex characters to ever grace the screen that I watch stuff on. The exalted character I'm referring to is, of course, Cher Horowitz (Alicia Silverstone), the patron saint of unintentional magnificence. An angelic shopaholic in strappy heels, a stem exposing humanitarian, if you will, who aimlessly transverses the trendy quagmire that is Beverly Hills, California, Cher is an inspiration to all those who are willing to look fabulous on the outside, while oozing a social conscious on the inside. This agreeableness manages to shine through despite the fact she appears to be an overly shallow, uninformed brat, and that her father (the occasionally hilarious Dan Hedaya) makes money off the misery of others. You see, in most movies, Cher would be the villain, a vixenish hosebeast bent on destroying the integrity of some plucky brunette. But in this strange, rearwardly universe, the vacuous prevail.

It's not an opinion set in stone, but I'd say Cher is the closest cinematic representation to what I consider to be absolute perfection when it comes to teenage adolescence. Sure, she might have a couple of flaws here and there, but it's those little blemishes that make her so appealing as a character. So much so that my central nervous system melts whenever she puts the words "as" and "if" together. Displaying no talent whatsoever when it comes to operating a motor vehicle, yet exhibiting a world-weary gumption when it comes to deciding what kind of juicy cock she wants sporadically traveling through the rarely visited confines of her special area, Cher is not only a fashion icon, she also helps the less fortunate find romance.

This selfless desire to find other people dates is the nitty-gritty of Cher's plight, as she neglects her own dating needs to her detriment. The film's title actually refers to her incompetence when comes to her own romantic instincts, not her intelligence. Which is lacklustre from a scholastic point of view, but judging from an unconventional plain of existence, Cher is one smartest characters I've come across in years.

Anyway, while secretly motivating middle-aged teachers to fuck and giving makeovers to new students who dress like farmers, Cher discovers that her gaydar is nonexistent and that Josh (the absolutely dreamy Paul Rudd), her college age, non-blood-related stepbrother (their parents were married for a little while), who comes over every once and while, is starting to look pretty darn hunky.

Call me full of expired eyeliner, but I could have sworn that Alicia Silverstone was getting more cute as the film progressed. At any rate, the film's sharp writing definitely had a hand in molding Cher from archetypal teen bimbo into the eloquent voice for millions of disenfranchised daughters of overpaid litigators. But it was the sheer gusto of Alicia's performance that elevates the proceedings to the sphere of excellence. Spewing her lines with what seemed like a grating bluntness, the scrunchy-faced actress tackles the unique dialogue with a poetic flair.

Fashion froward to an almost extreme level, the clothes in Clueless dominate every scene with an aggressive temperament. The fashion riskiness is best represented by Amber, Cher's friend/rival. Made flesh by the gorgeous Elisa Donovan, the "whatever" character sports some of film's most "out there" outfits. Which include: irregular tights, faux fur, and subversive footwear. Alicia Silverstone and Stacey Dash, while just as tight-obsessed as Amber, their looks seemed to play up their inherent legginess, as skirts of a skimpy nature rule the day.

The adorable Brittany Murphy plays the pint-size Tai, an outsider who finds herself thrust into the spotlight when Cher makes the new student her pet project, and manages to make "Rollin' With My Homies" seem romantic. It's hard to believe this is the same actress who would go on star in movies where she's called upon to tell Mickey Rourke that he is a "fucking fuckface fucker" in Spun.

Stand-outs on the soundtrack include: The Muffs' version of "Kids in America," "Shake Some Action" by Cracker, Jill Sobule's sobulic "Supermodel," and "Need You Around" by a band called The Smoking Popes.

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