Static (Mark Romanek, 1986)

Every time I think that the greatest decade in the history of humankind has unveiled every last electrifying piece of entertainment it has to offer, along comes another slab of fantastical oddness just itching to prove that the 1980s wellspring is deeper than a bottomless cavern. Staggering before me like an overly earnest butterfly selling defective dildos door-to-door, Static is the most current film from the boxy blazer decade to capture my sweaty imagination. However, unlike its vacuous brethren–you know, pornographic flights of fancy and mentally challenged horror flicks–this undertaking, by writer-director Mark Romanek ("Closer") and co-writer Keith Gordon (A Midnight Clear), isn't really that interested in titillating or shocking its audience. Though, I somehow managed to be titillated by it. (What can I say? I'm a brash deviant who's turned on by untied shoelaces and improperly applied make-up.) Whatever. It's got something that the majority of films from this particular era seem to lack: an underlying sense of disquietude. Of course, that doesn't mean it's a weighty examination of the afterlife. On the contrary, the sight of two young Amerasian twins dancing to new wave in lizard masks solidifies that it is not a highbrow crumpet jamboree. Yet it does cause one to contemplate the existence of some kind of celestial temple. Well, not really. But you truly get the feeling that the terribly sincere protagonist in this film really believes the malarkey he's peddling.

Stating off with the image of Julia Purcell (Amanda Plummer), a clearly dissatisfied keyboard player for a punk-new wave band made up members of The Plugz, walking off stage in the middle of performing "In The Wait," the film follows her as she makes her way to the small Arizona town where she grew up. While this is taking place, Ernie Blick (Keith Gordon) has just been fired from his job at the local crucifix factory. (He had the nerve to pocket all the defect crosses for himself and hang them on his wall as a part some outre art project.) Tying both sequences together is the sound of "This is the Day" by The The blaring its unsubtle message on the soundtrack.

If you don't count the song Amanda Plummer's band perform, not a word of dialogue is uttered for the first ten minutes; which is mildly prophetic since Mr. Romanek would become mostly known as a music video director in the coming years. Anyway, Ernie losing his job at the cross factory couldn't have come at a better time, as the invention he's been working on for the past two years is just about ready to go public.

Normally confiding in Patty (Lily Knight), a cute waitress who works at a diner shaped like a giant fish, Julia's sudden arrival in town usurps her role as Ernie's go to gal. As you'd expect, Patty ain't too pleased about this turn of events. I mean, if anyone deserves the undying attention of the ex-crucifix factory worker/kooky inventor in the trench coat (did I mention the film takes place in Arizona?), it's her. Either way, both are anxious to find out what it is that Ernie has been working on for so long.

Also hankering to know Ernie's been up to is his cousin Frank (Bob Gunton), a doomsday preacher/father of two who we first meet sermonizing on top of a dumpster behind Ernie's motel; he spots Julia in the crowd (six or seven people) and accuses of her being a CIA agent (he's a tad paranoid). The scenes that feature Bob (complete with apocalyptic moustache) and his family were definitely the wackiest. Radiation suits, Tang, walls covered in firearms, military saluting in a living room setting; they're super ready for World War III.

The way Static builds up Ernie's invention is the film's strongest plot-based element. Revealed in a slow and deliberate manner, the anticipation over his apparently life changing gizmo increases in a way that keeps the townsfolk buzzing with excitement.

Sure, a large segment of the population thinks he's completely meshugganah, but they all seem to respect his dedication. I also liked how both the women in Ernie's life were similar, not just in appearance but in the way they carried themselves with a quiet dignity.

The lovely Amanda Plummer (Freeway), the dream girl of demented losers the world over, is amazing usual as Julia, Ernie's long lost love. Giving a performance that oozes tranquility, Amanda is a master when it comes to trying to decipher the fragility of a tormented man and his wounded psyche. Her best scene is when she attempts to comfort Ernie after one particularly arduous experience involving his newfangled gadget.

Even quieter in terms of stillness, Lily Knight (she played the woman who listens to Maggie Gyllenhaal's character masturbate in Secretary) does an excellent job of portraying restrained jealously. I loved how she tried to spice up her image at the unveiling of Ernie's invention. Casting aside her drab waitress uniform, Lily's Patty attempts to "out new wave" her revival by wearing a shirt without sleeves and applying a bit of make-up were adorable...in a "Please stop paying attention to Amanda Plummer and feast your eyes on me" kinda way.

The best aspect about Keith Gordon's work in this film, aside from the fact that he co-wrote the screenplay, is credited as a producer, and freaking hottie, was how convinced he was about the greatness of his invention. When selling what he sells in this movie, you can't go half-assed, you have to attack the material with a unique brand of gusto (none of that weak, store bought gusto). Otherwise, you come off looking like some two bit charlatan.

Helping Keith in terms of creating an eccentric, almost surreal atmosphere was the film's terrific soundtrack. On top of the aforementioned The The song and performance by The Plugz, Static features tracks by OMD, Japan, Brian Eno, and Johnny Cash.

I don't really want to go into much detail about what Ernie's invention is actually intended to do; I found my not knowing to be quite invigorating. I will say that its germination came about after Ernie's parents died in a car accident and it's supposedly makes everyone who looks at it to behave in a manner that is the opposite of sad. Only problem for Ernie is trying to get people to look at it. And since social networking and reality television are still years away, a bus full of elderly women will have to do. Again, I don't want to comment on how a bunch of old ladies end up in the mix, but their arrival is a testament to what an unpredictable delight the film turned out to be. Highly recommended to those who like their '80s movies to be a tad off-kilter.

video uploaded by tiberiuswoodyboyd

(Warning: Embedded video clip contains spoilers after the two minute mark.)

...

The Legend of Billie Jean (Matthew Robbins, 1985)

Proving that even the most benign act can change the world, The Legend of Billie Jean is a true inspiration. A sharp critique of media sensationalism and a feisty tribute to grassroots activism, the film may appear to be only about a thrashed motor scooter (a trashed red Honda Elite motor scooter, to be exact), and the salacious circumstances centered around the unpaid restitution for said thrashed motor scooter. But the mangled moped is just a metaphor for the deep-seated malaise that was infecting the citizens of the mid-1980s. Establishing that forced sexual favours will not be tolerated when it comes to settling financial grievances, the spunky defender with the golden locks of the film's title and her mirthful band of reluctant fugitives set about making the wrong things right. Armed only with a couple of G.I. Joe walkies, a plastic handgun and the mantra "Fair is fair," the underage gang of Texas troublemakers, at first, shun conventionality (lay low and stay clear of the law). However, they soon find themselves transformed into folk heroes, as their scooter plight gains a rabid cult flowing. (Much like this film has over the years.) Prompting me to clench my fist and enthusiastically launch it in the air on numerous occasions, Billie Jean is the greatest superhero to ever beautify the big screen. Casting aside the yawn-worthy antics of say, Spider-Man; Arak, Son of Thunder; and E-Man, the accidental heroine is everywhere yet nowhere at once. Sure, she might be a tad lacking in the superpower department, but what she lacks in fancy powers, she more than makes up for with grit, moxie and humility. And that's why I prefer Billie Jean over other so-called superheroes; she knows her limitations.

 

 
Taking unsubtle cues from Joan of Arc and, to a lesser extent, Lois Ayres in The Devil in Miss Jones 3, the lithesome do-gooder doesn't want to change the world, she just wants six hundred and eight dollars and a one-way ticket to an idyllic wonderland called "Vermont." And, in an unfunny way, I respect that.
 

 
Actually, it's her brother who's obsessed with Vermont, not Billie Jean. Duly noted. In fact, he's so obsessed, that he's got a Vermont poster on his bedroom wall. I said, duly noted.

 

 
Moving on to the shaper of this champion, movie actress/lesbian icon Helen Slater dons the Billie Jean costume with the beaming confidence of a bedraggled prize fighter.
 

 
At first, she's just another attractive woman riding on the back of her brother's motor scooter (played by a bratty Christian Slater - the brother, not the scooter - like I said, the scooter is a red Honda Elite), but the moment she brandishes her do-it-yourself hairdo and slips on those fingerless gloves, Helen starts to live up to the legend. (I must admit, I felt a pronounced sense of liberation during the haircut reveal scene.)

 

 
The short hair may have been integral to the success of her performance, however, the empathic facial expressions and the plucky determination that saturated Billie's nimbus was all Helen. I also thought her scenes with unconventional hottie Keith Gordon (Static), who plays the son of the state's district attorney, elevated the story beyond your typical wrecked scooter/impromptu social revolution movie.

 

 
Permeating the proceedings like porcelain porcupine, "Invincible" by Pat Benatar is a spiky Goliath of a song. Pulsating and throbbing like a wave of robust elixir, the unclogged ditty crackles with defiance.

 

 
Now do I say "Fair is fair" whenever I find myself shortchanged by unruly carnival folk? No. (I prefer to punch people in the face.) But do I think it? Hell yeah.
 

 
Oh, and keep an eye out for the leggy Martha Gehman (her legs are tan and taut) and a forthright Yeardley Smith (Herman's Head) as Billie Jean's loyal sidekicks. And Peter Coyote and Dean Stockwell as the "grownups" who want to put a stop to Billie Jean's reign of teen terror.

...