Some Kind of Wonderful (Howard Deutch, 1987)

The act of re-watching some of my favourite movies with trans-tinted glasses over the past two or three months has been quite the rewarding experience. Like, did you know Dr. Caligari is the ultimate transgender movie? Well, if you didn't, you need to watch it again. It's so trans, it's ridiculous. Anyway, it's also been quite the horrifying experience, as some of the films are just plain awful. Now, Some Kind of Wonderful (a.k.a. Ist Sie Nicht Wunderbar) isn't close to being awful, but watching it again recently (in widescreen for the first time ever) was kind of awkward. And I think you all know what I'm about to say next. That's right, the amount of heterosexual stalking in this movie is insane. Every time you see a character doing something, you should always assume that another character is leering at them from a safe distance. What was once a lighthearted, John Hughes-approved romp, is now a dark, twisted movie about a socially maladjusted auto mechanic who exploits his trans-lesbian gal pal in order facilitate the entry of his erect penis into the vaginal cavity of a leggy redhead. While that might sound like quite the leap in tone, it's not. The movie hasn't changed one iota since it came out in 1987. It's me who's different. And I'm not going to sit idly by and let this movie's pro-stalker, pro-entitlement stance slide. Of course, I'm kinda kidding around. But part of me is dead serious. Some Kind of Wonderful is a dangerous movie.

If you think about it. Unpopular high school senior, Keith Nelson (Eric Stoltz), is basically a serial rapist/killer in training. Guilty over his desire to rape and murder a popular classmate named Amanda Jones (Lea Thompson), Keith pretends to attempt suicide everyday while walking home from his after school job at a garage.

His does this by walking in front of a moving train, but then stepping aside at the last minute. To give his psuedo-suicide attempt more significance, the industrial pop of Propaganda blasts on the soundtrack. Oh, and as with the majority of John Hughes' (teen) movies, the music heard throughout the production is outstanding (more on that later).

And not only does Keith time his train dodge perfectly, he manages to time it so he arrives at the home of Amanda Jones just as she's saying goodbye to her boyfriend, Hardy Jenns (Craig Sheffer), who is a giant dickwad.

Since he doesn't have the nerve to manhandle Amanda's organic structure, Keith takes out his frustrations on Laura (Maddie Corman), his younger sister, by physically abusing her. When Laura tries to complain to her parents, they simply shrug it off.

Her younger sister, Cindy (Candace Cameron), might be able to help Laura. But unfortunately, she's clearly deranged... in 1987 terms. If Cindy was around now, she would be a productive member of society; she believes in self-care and seems to give a shit about the environment (something unheard of in 1987). But this isn't now. So, Keith's reign of terror continues unabated.

In order to better familiarize himself with his victim, Keith sketches Amanda in full view of that giant dickwad Hardy, who is justifiably annoyed by this creepy ass display.

Realizing that Keith must be stopped at any cost, Watts (Mary Stuart Masterson), a staunch yet stealth trans-lesbian, decides to pretend that she's a heterosexual trans-woman who has a crush on him.

While most of the rubes who go to this high school buy the fact that Watts is a heterosexual trans-woman, Duncan (Elias Koteas), an affable skinhead (he's a punk with a shaved head), doesn't... buy it, and nearly blows Watts' cover by outing her in front of Keith, and a smattering of Goths and Metalheads.

Since serial rapists/murderers don't really have any use for college, Keith repeatedly shuts down his father's (John Ashton) multiple attempts to get him to "buckle down," and choose a college to attend once he finishes high school.

In the movie's most disturbing scene, Keith gets in trouble on purpose (he pulls the school's fire alarm). You see, the plan is to get sent to detention. I know, that doesn't sound like much of a plan. But the reason he does this is because he thinks Amanda is going to be there (while stalking her, he learns that Amanda has been given detention). Little does he know, but Amanda, no doubt using the shapeliness of her killer gams, manages to sweet talk her way out of serving any detention.

Finding it difficult to suppress her lesbian desire, Watts struggles to keep her girl cock under wraps. Watching her covet Amanda's femininity in the girls locker room was quite the eye-opener, and, not to mention, relatable af. I mean, who among us hasn't looked at Lea Thompson and said: I want to be her. I want her hair. I want her skin. I want her body. I want her everything. Am I right? Of course I'm right.

The look on Watts' face when Keith finally makes his move on Amanda says it all. She just let a vicious psychopath get his hooks into the woman she swore to protect. It's tragic.

As you might expect, this simple act upsets the balance of the universe, as the entire school's social order is thrown into disarray.

Will Watts be able to stop Keith before he rapes and murders Amanda Jones? And how long will she be able keep the fact that she's a trans-lesbian a secret? It's hard to say, as the film offers no easy answers. I mean, will Watts have to masquerade as a trans-woman who digs a cishet man for the rest of her life?

God, I hope not. Look at him! He's not Goth at all. *shudders*

  

Speaking of Goth, the film's soundtrack might open with an industrial-tinged pop classic. But make no mistake, Some Kind of Wonderful is a Goth movie. Well, Goth pop. Or, better yet, Goth pop-lite. Three of the movie's key songs are performed by bands/artists who are super-Gothy.

Sadly, Flesh for Lulu (veterans of the Batcave scene) and The March Violets (veterans of the Leeds scene - the same scene that spawned The Sisters of Mercy) were not as Goth when this movie came out. Meaning, what you are hearing from them is basically watered-down Goth. Which is a damn shame. All that's missing from the OST is a song by Gene Loves Jezebel, who are another great example of a Goth band who slowly turned pop as the '80s progressed (they went from "Shaving My Neck" to "Desire" within the span of three short years).

In case you're wondering... Yes, I consider Charlie Sexton's "Beat's So Lonely" to be Goth. Okay, it's Goth-adjacent, but still... At any rate, "Beat's So Lonely" is probably my fave song from the movie as of right now.

As for a favourite character. I'm torn between Maddie Corman's Laura and Elias Koteas' Duncan. Anytime these two are onscreen the film seems to come alive. Plus, they're hilarious and are the only ones who didn't give off a stalker-ish vibe.

Oh, and that whole subplot that involves Keith spending all his hard earned money on a pair of earrings to give to Amanda Jones was just plain stupid. I mean, I can see spending it on electrolysis or laser hair removal (I've read that doing a bit of both can be quite effective). You know, something worthwhile. But earrings?!? What the fuck, Keith. You bland, totally unhinged, creepy as fuck, non-Goth motherfucker.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to piss like a racehorse (damn these fuckin' titty skittles).

Pretty in Pink (Howard Deutch, 1986)

As they're leaving Trax to go on their first date, Blane asks Andie, "So, do you wanna go home and change"? Obviously implying that what she is currently wearing is not appropriate first date attire. Can you believe this guy? There's a lot to like about John Hughes' Pretty in Pink, but there's a lot that will make your spiro-saturated blood boil. And the scenario I just mentioned is one of the most infuriating. If I was Andie, the date would have ended the second that glob of verbal repulsiveness passed through the mouth-hole attached to Blane's smug face. Now, you could say: Hey, give the guy a break. I mean, he's not used to dating girls who shop at thrift stores. But I'm not going to be doing that today. No fucking way. Besides, his decision to then take Andie to a party being thrown at James Spader's house was just as misguided. And, no, this isn't the kooky, lovable version of James Spader from 2002 we're talking about. This James Spader circa 1986. In other words, we're talking about someone who is a major douchebag. I don't know 'bout you, but "major douchebag" actually undersells the level of douchiness James Spader is putting out there in this movie. At any rate, what was Blane thinking? I realize that the whole dating sequence is set up to highlight the colossal divide that exists between Blane and Andie's different social structures. But never have seen someone act so clueless before. Seriously, you would think, judging by his actions, that he was trying to sabotage his relationship with the redheaded enchantress right from the get-go.

Mind you, I'm not one of those Pretty in Pink fans who, after they're done trashing Blane, goes ahead and starts listing the reasons why Andie should be dating her best bud Duckie instead. I don't think so. Despite possessing "strong lips" and a unique sense of style, Duckie is a clingy crybaby and a bit of a stalker. Actually, all the men in this film have a stalker-ish vibe about them.

Watching Blane stalk Andie in the halls and then show up at Trax, the record store where Andie works after school, like that was kind of unnerving. Think about it. Who wants some guy with no personality or fashion sense following you around for most of the day? I know I sure don't.

Wait, did I just say that Duckie, played by Jon Cryer (Dudes), had a "unique sense of style"? While it's true, Duckie is a style icon. You'll notice that when Blane (Andrew McCarthy) goes to talk Andie (Molly Ringwald) in the place where all the cool/misunderstood students hangout, the joint is crawling with Duckie clones.

We're talking garish blazers, brightly-coloured blazers, tweed blazers, check blazers, blazers covered with anachronistic military insignia. It's like an irregular blazer free-for-all back there. Not to mention, vests! Bolo ties! Studded bracelets! Jelly bracelets! Pointy monk strap shoes!

And my God. The fedoras! Never have I seen so many young people in fedoras. Of course, that statement makes sense when said between 1986 and, oh, let's say, the year 2000. But have you walked down the street of any major North American city over the past fifteen years? There are fedoras everywhere. You could say that everyone has morphed into Duckie. Yeah, yeah, not everyone looks like Duckie. But you can definitely feel his presence. It's kinda eerie when you think about it.

Who would have thought a character from a John Hughes movie would go on to become the template for the hipster movement?

Don't be fooled, though, the toxic brand of masculinity that the likes of Blane and Steff stink of still permeates the atmosphere. Anytime you see a man assume that a woman owes him something, whether it be her attention or even sex, you can thank the likes Blane and Steff... And, in a way, Duckie is no better than them. He has this idea in his head that if he keeps harassing Andie, she'll eventually fall in love with him.

At the end of the day, Andie shouldn't date any of them. Okay, she should definitely fuck James Spader... a bunch of times. But as for long term relationships? Yeah, I don't think so.

   

My advice to Andie is: Listen to music... on vinyl (it's 1985/86!!! Depeche Mode, Skinny Puppy, Cocteau Twins and countless others are putting out albums, like, all the time), continue to play around with fashion, try dating a woman. It's 1986! You're living in one of the most exciting times to be alive. Don't waste it by dating a bunch of needy twerps.

Hell, date a trans person. I'm not sure, but I think I spotted one during the fedora scene. They're wearing a brimmed hat and carrying a camouflage backpack. Trans or not, there's definitely some gender fluidity brewing at this particular high school.

Anyway, yeah. I'd tell Andie to date Iona (Annie Potts), the owner of Trax, but she seems to fall under the soul crushing spell that is mid-1980s heterosexuality. Sure, heterosexuality is fun now (you know, with all those newfangled kinks and fetishes and whatnot), but mid-1980s heterosexuality was a different story all-together. You can watch Iona slowly succumb to it by watching how her wardrobe changes over the course of the film.

In her first scene, she's rocking a bondage-inspired punk look. And to top it off, she uses a stapler against a shoplifter. Bad-ass.

Her second outfit is a new wave look with new romantic flourishes. All that was missing was a Visage song blasting chic-ly on the soundtrack (the film's real soundtrack features three(!) New Order tracks).

The third and I guess fourth outfits combine cultural appropriation and nostalgia, as Iona embraces that brief trend where everyone pretended they were Chinese or Japanese (or, in some cases, both at once) and sports a 1960s-style beehive hairdo/pink prom dress.

Of course, if you were Chinese or Japanese in the 1980s, you pretended you were Madonna. Who, by the way, is mentioned in this film. This might sound odd, but it was kinda freaky hearing people talk about Madonna in the 1980s.

At the end, Iona sells out and becomes a yuppie. Which, in a way, sums up the last ten years (1976-86) pretty accurately.

You start off with punk (safety pin earrings)  and new wave (pink lip gloss on weekdays), dabble with cultural appropriation (remember when you wore a Japanese rising sun bandana to that Kajagoogoo concert?)  and nostalgia (admit it, you used to watch Sha Na Na reruns... unironically). And then you sell out and move to Connecticut. The end.

Random PIP observations:

Duckie, from the looks of it, lives in an abandoned crack house.

Gina Gershon can be spotted twice, once during the gym scene and again at the prom.

Did you know that Trax, the record store where Andie works, is based on Wax Trax! Records, the iconic record store/record label in Chicago? Yeah, I didn't know this. Apparently it's where John Hughes used to shop when he lived in Chicago.

The DJs at the prom are ridiculous. I mean, really? Does it take that much gear to spin OMD records?

A copy of The Residents' Diskomo/Goosebump can be seen for sale at Trax for 7.99.

Hey, Duckie. Yeah, Ed Norton from The Honeymooners called, he wants his entire wardrobe back.

And finally, Andie can't even surf the 1985-86 version of the internet without being harassed. Typical.