Sorority House Massacre II (Jim Wynorski, 1990)

I'll admit, after the mini-debacle that was the first Sorority House Massacre, I wasn't all that thrilled with the prospect of watching the same exact movie again. What's that? How do I know the sequel is going to be exactly the same as the first one? That's easy. Fresh ideas are hard to come by and I doubt the makers of Sorority House Massacre II are going to be the one's stumbling upon any anytime soon. Hold up, it says here that part two was directed by Jim Wynorski (Demolition High). Which means... Actually, this does not bode well, either. As Mr. Wynorski's track record when it comes to delivering the goods is a tad sketchy at best. For every 976-EVIL II and Chopping Mall, there are dozens of stinkers. While not exactly his best, this film is the forerunner to his Hard to Die (a.k.a. Sorority House Massacre III). Meaning, we should expect to see scantily clad bimbos running up and down stairs in bad lingerie. I know, what is exactly constitutes "bad lingerie"? I mean, how can lingerie ever be bad? Right, that's pure, unadulterated kooky-talk. Well, I have news for ya, fellas. The lingerie in this film pretty god awful. Though, I shouldn't be surprised, as I distinctly recall the lingerie in Hard to Die being pretty god awful as well.

For one thing, none of the women are wearing nylons. Seriously, there's not a single pair of stockings in the entire film. We do, however, get two jean skirts, one pair of jean shorts and a single pair of jeans. (Wow, that's a lot denim.) You got that right. And I'm still shaking my head over it. I can sort of see two of the women wearing denim of some kind, but four out of five? That's ridiculous.

What do we want? Less denim in Sorority House Massacre II! When do we want it? Um, now would be nice.

Since Dana Bentley's "Janey," is the only co-ed not wearing denim during pre-lingerie stage of the film, I immediately gravitated towards her. Of course, she's probably going to be the first to die. But I don't care. I'll take a gothy brunette dressed in all-black over four denim-slathered blondes any day of the motherfuckin' week. To make matters worse, when she does die, it will most likely be done off-screen, as I don't think this film was given much to work with as far gore budgets go.

Anyway, just like in Hard to Die, we're told the story of the Hockstatter murders that took place in Slumber Party Massacre. Yeah, I'm confused, too. After watching an entire scene from Slumber Party Massacre (narrated by one of the girls), the girls come face-to-face with Orville Ketchum (Peter Spellos), the large (creepy) man who lives next-door. Oh, and before you ask if Orville is the killer. Remember this, this is Jim Wynorski we're talking about, not Fred Olen Ray. In other words, expect the unexpected.

Other than Gail Harris' first-rate panties and Dana Bentley's shunning of denim, I would say that Orville Ketchum is the best thing about this movie. Yeah, that's right. The scary-looking fat guy who enjoys lurking and eating raw meat. He gives, believe it or not, a nuanced performance as the neighbour who can't be killed.

It's a shame the same can't be said about the rest of the cast, who all give the same variation of your typical stupid and confused late '80s co-ed.

You might have noticed that before I singled out Dana Bentley's denim snub, that I alluded to Gail Harris' first-rate panties. Which might seem odd, as you might recall, I pretty much dismissed every stitch of lingerie that appears in this film.

Well, I'm making an exception for Gail Harris' panties. Now, some of you might be thinking yourself: You only liked her panties because they wore you out. What I mean is, they were onscreen for such extended period of time, you grew to tolerate them.

While, yes, it's true. Gail Harris' panties, and, I suppose, her crotch and buttocks region, are featured quite heavily throughout this movie. I did fall madly in love with them the moment they appeared onscreen. But make no mistake, this was purely a pantie anomaly. Everything else is an abomination. (Even the black one-piece Dana Bentley puts on during the film's lingerie phase?) If it had been paired with stockings, I might have given it a pass. But black lingerie without stockings is unacceptable in my book.

I'm currently in love with a woman who has a port-wine stain on the left side of her face. She's beautiful and fierce as fuck. (I'm happy for you. But what's this got to do with the movie you're currently reviewing?) Oh, sorry 'bout that. If you look closely, you'll notice that Gail's panties have a port-wine bloodstain on them at one point. And I say, "at one point," as the bloodstain seems to change in-between shots. In one of the shots, her panties appear completely devoid of blood. Did she wash them while going from the living room to the kitchen? I doubt it.

I wonder who was Gail's pantie wrangler on this flick. Now, that's what I call a dream job. Although, I bet a large part of the job involves keeping the cross-dressing crew members from trying them on in-between takes (I hear precum stains are a nightmare to get out, especially on white panties). Oh, and who am I kidding, this film didn't employ "takes." If it did. Wow, that's pretty sad. No, this film looks like it was shot over a couple of days. The only one who seemed to put in any real effort was Chuck Cirino, whose score is top-notch, as usual.

Demolition High (Jim Wynorski, 1996)

What the hell? I don't believe this, but it looks like I just dragged myself away from playing Borderlands 2 to write about a film where Dick Van Patten (Spaceballs) plays a four star  general and fountain pens are shot out of the nozzle of a fire extinguisher. Yep, that's right, Jim Wynorski, director of Chopping Mall and 976-EVIL 2, and Corey Haim, star of National Lampoon's Last Resort and Prayer of the Rollerboys, have teamed up to produce Demolition High, the ultimate melding of Die Hard and The Breakfast Club. And if that wasn't enough, they, for some inexplicable reason, decided to bring Alan Thicke (Thicke of the Night) along for the ride. The kind of movie that even the most devoted Corey Haim fans would refrain from renting at their local Blockbuster Video (I don't think this movie came out in theatres), this film reeks from start to finish. I know, you're probably asking yourself: If that's the case, why am I writing about it? It's simple, really. There's a scene where Corey Haim kills an Uzi-wielding terrorist with an Uzi he obtained from the Uzi-wielding terrorist he killed in an earlier scene; it's basically Corey Haim's version of "NOW I HAVE A MACHINE GUN... HO-HO-HO."

Anyway, after peppering the Uzi-wielding terrorist's body with an entire clips worth of Uzi bullets, Corey Haim realizes he's out of ammo. The panic-stricken twenty-five year-old teen puts down the empty Uzi and grabs a walkie talkie and runs from the classroom.

(I don't get it, I thought you had a soft for submachine guns?) Sure, I love SMG's, I mean, who doesn't? It's just that Corey Haim didn't pick up the Uzi belonging to the Uzi-wielding terrorist he just killed. He just ran right past it, and this, as you might expect, infuriated me.

The only logical reason I can think of that justifies this bonehead decision on Corey Haim's part is that the writers wanted his character to get in touch with his inner MacGyver/MacGruber. Meaning, they thought it would be more interesting if he improvised weapons out of items found lying around your average classroom. (Like the fire extinguisher that shoots fountain pens?) Exactly. And it doesn't make sense for Corey Haim to be fashioning weapons out of unorthodox materials if he's carrying an Uzi, now does it?

Nevertheless, the sight of Corey Haim running past the dead terrorist's fully-loaded (that's right, the Uzi-wielding terrorist didn't even get a shot off during his encounter with the Haiminator) submachine gun was one of the stupidest things I've seen in a long time.

The film opens with a group of criminals masquerading as right-wing extremists stealing a nuclear missile from a military base. And before you ask, they were able to simply walk out of there with a nuclear missile because of three things: Some of them wore trench coats, some of them had ponytails and all of them were carrying Uzis.

Not wanting to fuck things up, their fearless leader, Luther (Jeff Kober), is taking no chances, as he is wearing a trench coat, sporting a ponytail and carrying an Uzi; he's what we in the stating the obvious business like to call a triple threat.

Proving that the Uzi has many uses (besides filling hapless security guards with lead), Luther employs the firearm in ways you wouldn't expect. Sure, he hits Gerrit Graham in the head with an Uzi (he Uzi-whipped him good) and uses an Uzi to unlock a locked gate. But did you know you that Uzis can be used to shred lettuce? Okay, unlike the first two things I just mentioned, we don't actually see Luther shred lettuce with an Uzi. Nonetheless, is there anything an Uzi can't do?

It just dawned me, this film, while rife with Uzis, is actually not from the 1980s. Now, how could I tell this film was not from the 1980s? Well, for one thing, it says it was made in 1996. That being said, despite the heavy Uzi-usage, Demolition High oozes 1996. Meaning, it doesn't ooze anything.

I know, you're thinking to yourself: It's got to ooze something. Oh, really, it's got to, eh? Are you familiar with 1996? Never have I witnessed an era with no distinguishable style.

In most high school movies, especially the one's that were made between 1978-1993, the background is typically filled with punks, skateboarders, gangbangers, new wavers, preppies, nerds, metal chicks and goths. But not this film. All I saw was an amorphous blob of vanilla-flavoured nothingness. It was almost as if everyone at Mayfield High had been robbed of their panache. And all that was left was a sea of flannel shirts and ill-fitting denim.

People who dress this dull don't deserve to be murdered with an Uzi. Every now and then I would get this sudden urge to throw buckets of paint at them. I mean, damn, I was alive in 1996, but I don't remember it being this drab.

To be fair, 1996 is not solely to blame for this dreary debacle. Some of it has to be hurled at Jim Wynorski and his crew. Think about it, did the makers of Clueless (1995) and Jawbreaker (1999) let the era's lackluster style saddle their films with dull fashion? I don't think so.

If you're curious about the film's plot, just take a look at any random review of Die Hard and replace all the positive adjectives with negative ones. Or better yet, don't watch Demolition High all-together. Seriously, who casts Alan Thicke as a police detective from The Bronx?

And the film's so-called femme fatal was a bit of a bust (no pun intended). Parading around in these tight black trousers like she's the hottest woman on the planet, Melissa Brasselle, who plays Tanya, Luther's sidekick, brings nothing to the table in terms of camp. And this film could definitely use an injection of camp; Corey Haim's painfully unfunny one-liners are just not cutting it.

Despite all this, I did enjoy the minor subplot that involved Mr. Johnson (Arthur Roberts) and Ginny (Katherine Ann McGregor), employees of Mayfield Power, the town's nuclear power plant. When they learn a missile is aimed at their plant, the interplay between Mr. Johnson and Ginny was strangely compelling. In closing, I would only recommend this film to hardcore Corey Haim fans and masochists who get off on being exposed to uninteresting mid-1990s fashion.

976-EVIL 2 (Jim Wynorski, 1992)

A lot of people have this misguided notion that the 1980s ended when the calendar flipped over to 1990. However, as 976-EVIL 2 (a.k.a. 976-EVIL 2: The Astral Factor) constantly points out, the spirit of the 1980s burned bright well into the '90s. The idea that the cultural temperament of a particular era changes overnight is ridiculous. Maybe in a 100 years these differences will seem unimportant. But to those of us who lived through these linear chunks of time, the differences are crucial to understanding who we are and where we stand in the world. I mean, for many of us, the instant women stopped using hairspray was a watershed moment. Yet, hairspray usage among women did not cease come January 1, 1990, and the wonderfully diminutive Debbie James in this Jim Wynorski-directed sequel to a movie that wasn't that great to begin with is proof of this. Even though her so-called "big hair" is mostly realized by sporting crispy bangs and employing scrunchies in a manner that help facilitate the illusion of follicle aggrandizement, there's still enough product in her hair to start a small brush fire.

You could say Debbie's hair is stuck in the '80s. But, if you think about it, she's just continuing to ride the style waves that were laid by her bimbo fore-mothers in the early days of the fingerless glove decade. It's true, the style wave eventually petered out. That being said, some people continued to ride this wave well into '90s.

Even so, big hair was finally killed the first time a woman entered a hair salon and asked for "The Rachel," the bouncy, square layered hairstyle Jennifer Aniston wore in the first couple of seasons of Friends. I hope you're happy, Jennifer Aniston, or, I should say, Jennifer Aniston's hairdresser, you murdered the 1980s. Granted, the decade, in terms of being a cultural force, was already on its last legs, but you put the final nail in the coffin.

Wow, judging by what I've typed so far, you wouldn't know this was a review for 976-EVIL 2. But trust me, it totally is.

In a surprise twist, I'm not going on and on about Debbie's hair because the movie is lacking in the not being lame department. Get this, the film is actually pretty good. No, no, no, here me out. Sure, the film is a sequel to the Robert Englund-directed horror flick about about a killer psychic hotline (one that prompts you to dial '666'), but I thought part two was kinda clever in places.

Am I crazy, or does Karen Mayo-Chandler's t-shirt get more skimpy as the opening scene progresses? Anyway, after taking a swim, college co-ed, Laurie Glazer (Karen Mayo-Chandler, Stripped to Kill II: Live Girls), is creeped out by weird noises while showering. Since investigating "weird noises" in a skimpy t-shirt and a towel is a tad awkward, Laurie slips on a pair of white panties.

No ordinary pair of white panties, mind you, Laurie's white panties are lacy in the back and smooth as satin in the front.

Once the white panties are pulled up as far as they will go, Mr. Grubeck (René Assa) decides to reveal himself to Laurie as the one responsible for making the weird noises. As expected, Laurie is freaked out by Mr. Grubeck's sudden appearance, and like any sane person, makes a run for it.

Finding nothing but locked doors during her initial scamper, Laurie stumbles onto the set of Faust in the school's auditorium. At first, I wanted to say that Mr. Grubeck kills Laurie using one of them pointy cave thingies. But I soon discovered that they're actually called stalagmites. Isn't that strange? Nonetheless, as opening scenes go, the one that opens 976-EVIL 2 is not bad.

The opening credits and post-opening credits scene isn't too bad either, as it features the always amazing music of Chuck Cirino (Chopping Mall) and a brief appearance by Sigal Diamant, who plays the world's cutest biker bar bartender.

Arriving at said biker bar, the Mad Dog Inn, Spike (Patrick O'Bryan), who you might remember from the first film (he got to feel up Lezlie Deane's stocking encased legs), takes a seat at bar and orders a beer and some fries. After watching a news report on the bar's television detailing the gruesome events that befell Laurie in Slate River, the bar's pay phone starts to ring in that rather ominous fashion they tend to do in these movies.

Since no-one else can apparently hear the phone (the cute biker bar bartender says, "What phone?", in response to his query, "Isn't anyone gonna answer that phone?"), Spike reluctantly answers it. And wouldn't you know it, the first thing he hears is a sinister voice say: "Out of the darkness and into the light..." That's right, Spike may have survived the events from the first film, but he's still tormented by that damned psychic hotline.

Meanwhile, in Slate River, a shapely blonde with a sweet ass is about to discover her college professor is a deranged serial killer. Heading down to police headquarters to visit her police shrink father, Robin Jamison (Debbie James) bumps into–you guessed it–Mr. Grubeck, who was arrested thanks to a tip from a witness; Buck Flower was in the auditorium when Laurie Glazer was killed with a stalagmite.

Wearing a sleeveless doily-esque top with a pair of jean shorts covered in doily-esque flourishes, Robin is too adorable for words.

When Robin bumps into Mr. Grubeck, he must have imparted psychic powers onto her, as she can now see into the future.

The last thing you want to do is give Mr. Grubeck access to a telephone, but that's exactly what the Slate River cops end up doing. Calling "976-EVIL" without fail, Mr. Grubeck is granted the power to astral project. Meaning, he can continue murdering people, yet stay in his jail cell at the same time.

Did anyone else get a mild rash on their taint when Spike says to Robin that the fries at Cadillac Jacks (a cool local diner) are "not as tasty as the company"? Just me, eh? At any rate, Spike and Robin (who is wearing a pink top with black spandex exercise tights (with colourful flourishes down the side), team up to fight evil... or some bullshit like that.

Of course, Robin still needs a little more convincing, as she has her doubts that a locked up Mr. Grubeck is killing people thanks to a demonic psychic hotline.

What is it with Robin and her obsession with doily-based clothing? The top she wears while wandering around campus looks like something an old lady might cover her dinning room table with when not in use.

Not accustomed to seeing her fully clothed, Monique Gabrielle (Evil Toons) shows up as Susan Lawlor, the buttoned up prosecutor in charge of bringing charges against Mr. Grubeck. She's only in two scenes, but the sight of her in her lawyerin' clothes and the car scene should satisfy fans of the bosomy actress. The latter scene features several cutaways of her nylon ensnared feet struggling to press on the breaks and some impressive stunk work (I think).

An equally fully clothed Brigitte Nielsen (Chained Heat II) also makes an appearance as the gothy owner of Lucifer's, an occult bookstore. However, unlike Monique Gabrielle, Brigitte's part is merely a cameo... so, don't get too excited.

In terms of rating the many looks Robin sports in this film, my favourite has to be the pink belly-revealing top/jeans combination she wears throughout the film's final third (white belt, ftw).

You would think a film that has everything I just mentioned would eventually run out of steam. Think again, as 976-EVIL 2 saves the best for last. Exhausted after a long day of battling the forces of darkness, Robin decides to unwind by watching a movie with her pal Paula (Leslie Ryan). Unfortunately, Paula wants to watch Night of the Living Dead; Robin would prefer if they watched It's a Wonderful Life.

After flipping back and forth between the two films for a few minutes, Robin finally gives up and goes to the kitchen to get popcorn. Sitting on the couch in her 90s-friendly attire (unlike Robin, Paula's style oozes the 1990s), Paula is suddenly zapped into the television and finds herself on the set of It's a Wonderful Life during the "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings" scene.

The way Jim Wynorski and his team managed to make it appear as if Paula was in It's a Wonderful Life was shockingly adept. Seriously, it was seamless. To make things even more awesome, the scene is combined with Night of the Living Dead.

It's true, both films were, at the time at least, public domain, so it made sense for budget conscience filmmakers to use them in this manner. But still, the way the effect was executed was first-rate. It's too bad the entire film couldn't have been at this level of craftsmanship.