UHF (Jay Levey, 1989)

Watch out Rambo, Indiana Jones and 1980s-era Dire Straits, Weird Al Yanković is about to mock your ass with extreme prejudice in the mildly amusing UHF, the Fran Drescher film with not as much Fran Drescher as I would have liked. Don't you just hate it when that happens? No, not when 1980s-era Dire Straits gets made fun of by Weird Al Yanković. I'm talking about when you sit down to watch a Fran Drescher movie, but what you get instead is a Victoria Jackson movie. Granted, Victoria Jackson isn't in this film all that much either. However, as most sane people will tell you, any time screen time is taken away from the never not adorable Fran Drescher, Yum-Yum gets angry. Oh, and, yes, you're not seeing things, Victoria Jackson is the female lead. I know, who in their right mind would cast Victoria Jackson in anything, let alone the lead in a major motion picture? This is Orion Pictures (Desperately Seeking Susan and Making Mr. Right) we're talking about, not some dinky ass TV show on public access. At any rate, think about all the people who could have played Weird Al's girlfriend instead. Personally, I would have gone with Julie Brown or Judy Tenuta, as they're both... well, they're both awesome. But in reality, just about anyone would have been a better choice. I know that's a harsh thing to say, but Miss Jackson is about as interesting as a shoddily upholstered chair that only comes in beige.

On the bright side, we do get four separate and distinct Fran Drescher outfits in this movie. Yeah, yeah, we get at least five separate and distinct Fran Drescher outfits in your average episode of The Nanny. But I'll take whatever I can get, Fran Drescher outfit-wise.

Of course, I realize that back in 1989, when this film came out, it wasn't promoted as the film to see that summer for fans of Fran Drescher's unique sense of fashion. But this isn't 1989, is it? No, it isn't. Which means if I want to judge the film strictly from a Fran Drescher-related point of view, I'm going to. Who's going to stop me? Exactly. Nobody.

In fact, Fran Drescher is all I could think about, as I watched a fake commercial for Spatula City, a store that only sells spatulas, and a post-Fridays Michael Richards blast children in the face with a fire hose. Actually, this applies to my everyday as well, as Fran Drescher is never far from my mind. Can you believe that I don't own the complete series of The Nanny on DVD? What the hell is wrong with me? Don't answer that, by the way, it's one of them rhetorical question thingies.

If the idea of Michael Richards blasting children in the face with a fire hose sounds sexual to you, then I'm afraid you ain't hooked up right. Believe or not, I'm talking about an actual fire hose. And get this, it's the reward you get for finding a marble in a kiddie pool filled with oatmeal on Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse, a re-tooled version of Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse, a kids show on Channel 62, a struggling UHF television station.

 

Well, I should say, formerly struggling UHF television station. You see, when George Newman (Weird Al Yanković) and his friend Bob (David Bowe) take over Channel 62, it's in shambles. But that all changes when... Well, um, actually, it's not all that bad. I mean, look who's working at the front desk... (Let me guess, is it Fran Drescher?) Careful, man. I'm not digging your derisive tone. But, yeah, it's Fran Drescher.

Playing the delightfully named Pamela Finklestein, Fran Drescher openly complains to George and Bob upon their arrival about the lack of advancement at this TV station (she figures, since she's worked there for two years, that she should be the station's lead roving reporter by now).

I'm not sure about this, but the way the camera would focus on George and Bob's stunned faces every now and then as they listened to Pamela whine about her lack of advancement seems to imply that Fran Drescher's voice is annoying. They, co-writer and director Jay Levey and co-writer Weird Al Yanković, wouldn't do that, would they? Nah, they wouldn't do that. Even if they did, so what? She has the voice of an angel.

I don't mean to alarm any Frannies... What? No good? How 'bout Dreschers? Franophiles? No, Frannies is the way to go. As I was saying, I don't mean to alarm any Frannies (fans of actress Fran Drescher) out there, but Fran Drescher doesn't appear in UHF (a.k.a., believe it or not, "The Vidiot from UHF") until the sixteen minute mark. Of course, any true Franny worth their weight in gourmet mustard would already know that.

In the meantime, we have to endure a steady barrage of lame sight gags. I will say this, I did make a laughing sound when George Newman drops a dog in the punch bowl at a party. He just drops it... in the punch bowl. Classic.

The reason he drops the dog in the punch bowl is because his Uncle Harvey (Stanley Brock) and Aunt Esther (Sue Ane Langdon) have some good news for him. Well, I don't know if it's good news. Nevertheless, Uncle Harvey is going to let George run the rundown television station he just won in a poker game.

After checking out the place, and meeting Philo (Anthony Geary), the station's eccentric chief engineer, George, along with his pal Bob, set about turning around Channel 62's fortunes.

And... we have Fran Drescher! What a relief.

While the scene where George hand delivers a package that was supposed to go to Channel 8, a network affiliate, seems pointless at first. It does set the stage for the meeting between George Newman and Stanley Spadowski (Michael Richards), the second most important character in the UHF universe. Do I have to say who the most important character is? I didn't think so.

On top of establishing that the owner of Channel 8, R.J. Fletcher (Kevin McCarthy), is a dick (he thinks people like Stanley Spadowski should be put to sleep), and that Stanely Spadowski loves mops, the scene shows that treating people shabbily can have unforeseen circumstantial consequences. Fired as the Channel 8 janitor for misplacing a file he didn't misplace, Stanley Spadowski ends up working as Channel 62's janitor. Which sets the stage for Channel 8's downfall.

I know, you're thinking to yourself: How can a slightly retarded janitor with an unhealthy obsession with mops bring down the number one television station in the city? It's simple, really. After being dumped by his girlfriend Teri (Victoria Jackson), he stood her up on her birthday, George is too depressed to perform as Uncle Nutzy on Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse (a demented kids show). As he's heading out to a local bar with Bob to drink his troubles away (one blueberry daiquiri, please), he suggests that Stanley Spadowski finish the rest of the show.

To everyone's surprise, Stanley Spadowski is quite the performer, and the show, now obviously titled, Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse, becomes a smash hit. Brimming with confidence, this new-found success causes George to create more hits shows, such as: Wheel of Fish (hosted by the hilarious Gedde Watanabe... "Stupid! You're so stupid!") and Raul's Wild Kingdom (an animal show hosted by Trinidad Silva from his apartment... "We don't need no stinkin' badgers!").

Getting back to Fran Drescher for a second. Unless Fran Drescher's character is dating Noodles the cameraman (Billy Barty) behind everyone's back, why doesn't George ask her out? With Teri now out of the picture, this is the perfect time for him to make play for Fran Drescher. If I had to point out one major flaw in UHF, it would have to be George's taste in women. Granted, some people will tell that Fran Drescher and Victoria Jackson are equally annoying. But you can't sit there and tell me with a straight face that you would rather hook up with Victoria Jackson over Fran Drescher. Of course you can't.

When word gets around that Channel 62 is now number one in the ratings (thanks to shows like, Strip Solitaire and Bowling For Burgers), Channel 8's R.J. Fletcher plans to put Channel 62 out of commission once and for all. The fact that  R.J. Fletcher didn't laugh maniacally when he hatches his plan seemed out character. Anyway, will George Newman and his plucky band of boob-tube troublemakers be able to resist the corporate shenanigans of Channel 8? Probably.

For the best results, make sure to watch UHF alongside Tapeheads, as these films are like kindred spirits. Colourful films that satirize and/or ridicule pop culture from the late 1980s, these movies are your best bets for understanding the spirit/mood of that particular period of history. In order to make it a trilogy (why watch two films when you can watch three?), I'd throw Earth Girls Are Easy in there as well. Yeah, why not? And unlike UHF and Tapeheads, Earth Girls Are Easy had the sense to cast Julie Brown (though, to be fair, she did write that movie). Seriously, though, what were you thinking, Weird Al? No Julie Brown?!? Unacceptable!

The Night Before (Thom Eberhardt, 1988)

This movie doesn't know how close it came to being shunned. And by "shunned," I mean not reviewed... by me. While most film critics show their disdain for the movies they don't like by writing a "bad review." I, on the other hand, show my disdain by not writing a review at all. I know, some of the most entertaining/enlightening film reviews can be the ones for so-called "bad movies," but I have less important things to do than waste my time writing about them. And that's what almost happened to The Night Before (a.k.a. Eine verrückte Reise durch die Nacht), another in a long line of "all night movies." When word gets out that Lori Loughlin's character has been sold to a pimp named Tito (for a measly 1500 bucks), I thought to myself: I like where this going. However, I quickly followed up that thought we this thought: If I don't see Lori Loughlin (The New Kids) in hooker clothes by the time the end credits start to role, I ain't reviewing it. I don't care if Keanu Reeves (Flying) wears black and white monk vamp buckle creepers during the film's final third. I'm not typing a word unless I see Lori Loughlin dressed like a floozy.

Now, given that I'm currently typing words about The Night Before, it's obvious that Lori Loughlin donned hooker clothes that met with my approval. But I have to say, it was touch and go for awhile there. I mean, I nearly had a heart attack when Lori Loughlin dismisses the tube top and black vinyl mini-skirt she's given to wear as unsuitable. I know, you're thinking, "unsuitable"? Call me crazy, but that outfit sounds pretty fucking suitable. In other words, stop making sounds with your mouth hole, Lori, and put those skanky ass clothes on.

The reasons as to why Lori Loughlin doesn't want to wear a tube top and black vinyl skirt are too complicated to get into at the moment. But she does eventually put them on. Oh, and the cool thing about her sleazy ensemble is that it comes with a pair of handcuffs and an iron headboard. I know, you're thinking, huh? Well, I told you it was complicated.

You could say it's convoluted as well, but I think complicated and convoluted pretty much mean the same thing. I know the word I'm looking for. It's absurd! In fact, the movie on the whole is pretty absurd. And a little racist, too.

In the middle of the night, a dark-haired teen from–I'm assuming–the suburbs named Winston Connelly (Keanu Reeves) wakes up in an alleyway in East Los Angeles. Unaware of where he is or how he got there, Winston, who is wearing a white blazer with a pink carnation on the lapel, tries desperately to piece together the events of his, as we'll soon find out, wild and crazy night.

Told via flashbacks, the film employs an unusual storytelling style in the early going. Jumping back and forth between different times frames, Winston slowly learns how he ended up in this particular part of Los Angeles.

Yeah, I know, an owl fridge magnet is what caused the read-out on his dashboard compass to say that he was going west. But that still doesn't explain how he ended up in that alleyway.

Staggering to a nearby coffee shop, Winston, after ordering a coffee and a donut, asks the waitress where he is. Since informing half-wits from The Valley where they are is not part of her job description, the waitress (Pamela Gordon) instructs him to dial 411.

After burning his lip on the coffee, a flood of memories come rushing into Winston's head. The prom!, he shouts. It would seem that Winston had a prom date with Tara Mitchell (Lori Loughlin). I know, you're probably wondering, how did the vice president of astronomy club manage to get a date with a girl who was recently voted Galleria Teen Model of the Month? If I told you, you wouldn't believe me. Actually, you might. Yeah, of course you might. You see, there was this bet Tara had with her friend Lisa (Suzanne Snyder). While I don't recall the exact details of the bet, I do know this, the loser has to go to the junior/senior prom with Winston.
  

Just as they're about to leave, Tara's father, Capt. Mitchell (Michael Greene, Rubin and Ed), tells Winston that grave bodily harm will come to him if anything happens to his little girl. If that wasn't enough, Tara warns Winston that she will bail on him the moment things get weird.

Excuse me, honey. But women in white lace fingerless opera gloves have no right to accuse others being weird.

What's that? Interesting. I've just been informed that women in white lace fingerless opera gloves do in fact have the right to accuse others of being weird.

As we're being brought up to speed as to how flashback Winston got to where he is now, the other Winston, the one currently lost in L.A., has just learned that he owes a lot of money to a man named Tito (Trinidad Silva). Of course, when he's told this, Winston yells, "I don't even know anyone named Tito!"
 

In a strange twist, both Winstons end up at the Rat's Nest bar at the same time. Let me rephrase that. The way the scene is edited makes it seem like they're there at the same time. In reality, however, they're there at different times. Flashback Winston is there with Tara when it's packed with people, and the other Winston is there when it's closed. To be honest, I think I'm making this seem more tangled that it has to be. I actually liked the way the film jumped all over the place, as it gave the proceedings a disorienting quality that mirrored what the protagonist was going through.

The Rat's Nest sequence is by far the film's strongest. For starters, the band is lead by George Clinton and Bootsy Collins. And the bartender is played by Tommy 'Tiny' Lister. If that wasn't enough... Oh, and the band's female keytar player was wearing a pair of four buckle (western-style) winklepickers/pikes. As I was saying, if that wasn't enough, Winston and Tara perform an extended dancer number.
  

It's some time after this dance number that Winston accidentally sells Tara to a pimp named Tito for 1500. Enlisting the help of a hooker named Rhonda (Theresa Saldana) and an unnamed gardener (Clifton Wells), Winston must act fast or else Tara is going to be shipped off to Morocco.

Personally, I would have cut the scene with the toys thieves (these guys reminded me of Cheech and Chong from After Hours - a film I plan on reviewing one of these days). I don't know, but the film seemed to drag to a halt during this sequence. However, since the film would have only been seventy-something minutes without it, I would have added more scenes that featured Lori Loughlin handcuffed to a bed in her bra and panties. When in doubt, add more Lori Loughlin tied up in her underwear is what I always say.
   

I loved, by the way, the fact Lori Loughlin refuses to remove her bra when she eventually agrees to wear the tube top. Sure, wearing a bra with a tube top is basically one of the worst fashion crimes you can commit. But Lori Loughlin makes it abundantly clear that she doesn't like tube tops. In other words, she isn't going to be pushed around by some funnel-shaped piece of fabric. And, at the end of the day, that's the message I took away from this film. Stay true to yourself. And also that, according to this film, people of colour are mainly pimps, criminals and prostitutes.