Monday, May 3, 2021

Untamed Cowgirls of the Wild West Part 2: Jammy Glands from the Rio Grande (Rinse Dream, 1993)

Contempt... pure, unadulterated contempt. You can feel it pouring off the screen. If your climax-based discharge resembles molasses, monetize that shit, motherscratcher! You be ejaculating liquid gold! It turns out Rinse Dream detests more than just your erection. Mmm-dee-lish! Is there anything more pantie captivating than manic Manitoba-style cackling, distorted monkey noises and Barbara Bush's pre-gray whisker biscuit? I don't know. I lost my ability to discern nonsense in a parasailing accident over Mauna Loa. This isn't your skeevy uncle's porn, this is a targeted hit job by an erudite man who has had enough. He hates porn. The people who watch it, the people who appear in it, and even the people who make it. And Untamed Cowgirls of the Wild West Part 2: Jammy Glands from the Rio Grande solidifies this hatred in the most unambiguous terms possible. In the early 1980's (sometime during Yuri Andropov's brief tenure as leader of USSR), Rinse Dream made two films, Cafe Flesh and Nightdreams. Both satirized the whole idea of watching people fuck onscreen. It was pretty compelling stuff and was unlike anything that came before it. Fast-forward ten years to the early 1990s, and the satire of those earlier films has been replaced by a full frontal audio-video assault on the very idea of porn.
 

I can't confirm this, but I think the executives at Zane Entertainment must have given Rinse Dream some production notes after seeing chapter one. Because unlike the other Rinse Dreams sequels (Party Doll A Go-Go! 2, I'm looking in your general direction), where the style and tone is pretty much the same as the first film, the style and tone Jammy Glands from Rio Grande is slightly different. There's less dialogue during the sex scenes, the music is more western themed, and the performers wear their cowgirl hats more often (even though they eventually end up being tossed on the floor mid-hump/lick).
 

In order to get around the restrictions placed on him as a visionary, Rinse Dream has decided to go all-in with the text inserts. HUMDINGER! The humour presented in these spruced up newfangled jammy-gland inserts is sharper and even more biting. Don't get me wrong, the dialogue uttered in this debacle slathered boondoggle still needs to find its way into the Smithsonian. Seriously, put it next to Ernest Borgnine's colostomy bag, stat! It's just that the text inserts are so good at rearranging your internal organs without the express written consent of Major League Bocce Ball (Yo! Look at me! I'm being all Italianski over here). Ugh. Burn the pink bra and white cowgirl boots that Sagebrush Sally is wearing. I think I'm gonna vomit spider eggs.
 


Yeah, I love to watch moist lumpy folds of damaged nerve endings get licked to the sound of bloodcurdling screams and maniacal laughter. I mean, who doesn't? Actually, I don't. (You could fast forward?) What and miss a cheeky text insert? I don't think so... "Rinse Dream makes me feel like... Humpin' Jack Lord's hair." Yes! "Rinse Dream makes me feel... as pretty as red M&M's." Yes! Yes! "Rinse Dream makes me feel like... makin' spam hoagies for a bell tower assassin." Yes! Yes! Yes! This is hilarious, Emma! Rinse Dream has become more self-referential than ever. I also love the way your cum travels to the Lemko-Rusyn People's Republic via your washboard abs. Mount me with your chiseled aqueduct!
 

I still don't see any stockings. But I do see tumbleweeds. But they ain't exactly tumbling... now are they? I wish I could detach myself from my roots and roll across the Ukrainian countryside. (My dainty feet are about to be slathered in toxic sludge... yet he chooses to stare longingly at my bellybutton lint as it blows across the interstate.)
 

When Cricket (Jeanna Fine) and Sagebrush Sally (Tiffany Million) briefly exchange Pulitzer Prize winning dialogue after T.T. Boy finally coughs up his curdled consignment, I think got hint of a plot. It would seem that Sagebrush Sally, who offers Cricket a peak at her photos of Barbara Bush's nether region, is on her way to the ponderosa to drop off a gross of adult diapers. Papa-oom-mow-mow! Have orgasm--will travel. "Tie me up and make me a KY sundae."
 


Getting back to men and women without hats. There once was a pink cowgirl hat that sat upon the head of a limp fuckface. Then the pink cowgirl hat magically appears on Cricket's head as the limp fuckface muff dives. After only a few seconds of wear, Cricket then tosses the pink cowgirl hat towards a wild west yard sale masquerading as a radioactive New Jersey landfill. Don't you ever accuse Jammy-Glands of not possessing any drama or suspense. Talk about being on the edge of one's seat.
 

The painting that Dr. Caligari has delivered to Dr. Avol's place of residence in the cinematic equivalent of discovering first-rate cunnilingus at the world's worst hot dog stand makes several appearances during Jeanna Fine's third junk pile pussy taste test. I think it's safe to say that I could pick out Jeanna Fine's squishy petunia in a pussy lineup with a breathtaking ease. Anyway, I took the repeated shots of the imprisoned teary-eyed wide-eyed subject to represent the sadness Stephen Sayadian must be feeling. He doesn't really want to be making this movie. And we the audience don't really want to be watching it. But here we are... so, let's try to make the best of it.
 


At the end, Zane tease about there being a Chapter 3 in the works. If I was in charge, Untamed Cowgirls of the Wild West: Even Cowgirls Get Blue Balls would be about a saloon located on the outskirts of a radioactive swamp that caters to connoisseurs of chicks with dicks. Run by a woman named Cathy Catheter, she tries her best to turn a profit and keep her harem of wily t-girls safe from the roving bands of ravenous pansexual dope fiends that litter the unforgiving landscape. The film doesn't take place on Earth per se, but in a realm called the Ultra-0-Verse (ul-tra-zero-verse). It rains estrogen, and since not everyone wants to drink estrogen, the only water available is unclouded t-girl cum. Which, of course, Miss Catheter bottles and sells at her saloon. Yee-haw!    
 


Huge thank you and howdy to Tom Clark (Vortice Mortale) for hooking me up with this overstuffed hamper chock full of creamy Rinse Dream goodness.

 





 

23 comments:

  1. Yes. Unfortunately(?), Zane had enough of Stephen.
    It turned its production efforts to a director whose real name was Paul Little. He had directed a number of porn videos previously. But the name which appeared on the box and tape was Max Hardcore. Guess what? That made Zane a lot of money from rentals.
    Even those who do not follow smut, though, knows how that wound up.

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  2. Das full-tilt surreal Stephen Sayadian shamrock shenanigans made the heads of the Zane executives explode like ravioli.

    Mr. Hardcore sounds like a ray of harsh sunshine.

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  3. Can't believe this blog is still going

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    1. it's on the cusp of being unbelievable

      a sound that resembles laughter

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  4. i love this blog so much i always come back hoping for a new post>_<

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  5. Hello, sorry for messaging through the comments but I’m not really sure how to contact you. I was wondering if you’d be interested in checking out my surrealist horror film. It’s as self indulgent as it gets. https://youtu.be/g28iFUTw6QU

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  6. Have you seen Mondo Macabro are releasing DR CALIGARI on bluray and 4K? They are!

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    1. Jack, would you agree that Bombay-Rolling (tit-fucking) the quite astonishing 17 year-old Pauline Hickey and then spunking all over the birds incredibly perfect tits in 1985 would've essentially been like experiencing the ultimate Holy Grail of sexual ecstasy and pleasure ! ?.

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  7. Yes. I heard the good news regarding Dr. Caligari getting a bluray release on Mondo Macabro. Very exciting.

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  8. Yum Yum, would you agree that 37 years ago in 1985 when the truly incredible Pauline Hickey first appeared on the big-tit modeling scene at the age of 17 the bird was, quite simply, THE most mind-bogglingly unbelievable and breathtakingly perfect mega-titted beauty in the entire history of the universe ! ?.

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  9. Why haven't you posted any reviews for almost 10 months ?.

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    1. I'm pinned underneath Pauline Hickey's ginormous breasts.

      This predictament is hampering my ability to travel to Blockbuster Video to rent, oh, let's say, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, with the comfort I'm accustomed to.

      We ask that you please bear with us as we deal with this big tittie situation.

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    2. You have to admit though that being 'pinned' under Paulines breathtakingly exquisite tits is a truly glorious way to be 'pinned' (so to speak), in fact i dont really understand why you`d ever want to 'unpin' yourself from such a fabulously perfect situation ! ?. However the next time you do get to Blockbuster perhaps you could forget about the Matthew McConaughey nonsense and instead rent "The Sexy Secrets of the Kiss-O-Gram Girls" (1985), its the only film that Pauline Hickey ever appeared in and it was made 37 years ago when the bird was at the absolute pinnacle and peak of her physical attractiveness and desirability ! ! !.

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    3. Yes Yum-Yum, i`m the first to admit that Pauline Hickeys tits weren't the biggest of all-time (not by a long chalk ! ! !) but they were THE most perfect tits i`ve EVER seen, in fact i`ve always regarded Paulines tits as being the ultimate representation and definition of the phrase: "BOMBAY-ROLL (tit-fuck) PARADISE" ! ! !.

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    4. Yum-Yum, For me the ideal life and existence would be to have my knob squashed and squeezed between the quite astonishing 17 year-old Pauline Hickeys mind-bogglingly perfect tits for 24 hours-a-day, non-stop, uninterrupted, for the next 10,000 years (and i would of course be spunking a gallon of jizz all over those amazing knockers literally every 5 minutes during the entire 10,000 year period, obviously!).

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    5. Mitch McConnell is pushing 80 now but he always said that the greatest time of his entire life occurred 37 years ago in 1985 when he was still a relatively young 43 year-old, he`d gone to Ireland with his family for a holiday in the countryside near to Cork, and one night while the rest of the family were asleep he sneaked away in his car to see a bit of night life in Cork and more specifically the red light district and strip clubs they had there, and it was his incredible good fortune that the quite astonishing 17 year-old Pauline Hickey was there doing a routine in one of the strip clubs, McConnell said he could not believe what he`d seen up on that stage and that he`d then resolved to go backstage and talk to the truly amazing mega-titted lust-pot he`d just seen. When he went into her dressing room he realised he still had £500 in cash on him as spending/fun money and he didn`t waste any time at all before offering her the entire wad of cash for sexual favours, and she immediately accepted. He always said that it was THE best 500 quid he`d ever spent, and as a bonus the strip club was also a hotel so he and Pauline hardly had to do any traveling at all before he was shoving his willy up her lushious arse-hole and then unloading half-a-pint of spunk into her, he then proceeded to fuck her, sodomize her, 69-her, pearl-necklace her, spunk all over her, fist-duck her (both vaginally and anally), bugger her (again!, and this time donkey punching her as well, obviously!) and, of course, OF COURSE, TIT-FUCK THE INCREDIBLE BIRDS UNBELIEVABLE KNOCKERS SENSELESS. And during that amazing 10 hour session of sexual debauchery he also provided her with quite a few more wads, but not wads of cash, but rather massive wads of spunk!, up her arse, up her twat, in her mouth (and down her throat, obviously!), all over her, and, of course, OF COURSE, ALL OVER THOSE TRULY MIND-BLOWING TITS ! ! !, until the tits were literally drenched and immersed with jizz and dripping with spunk. He said it was THE greatest experience of his entire life (sexual or otherwise) and he recalled that when he returned to the cottage where he and his family were staying his wife looked like a ludicrous old hag who he never really wanted to fuck again, and its easy to understand him, after all, he`d just spent an incredible night of sexual ecstacy with arguably THE most mind-bogglingly unbelievable meg-titted beauty of all-time, so returning to the middle-aged bird he`d been married to for the previous 20 years was obviously going to be a murderous step-down. He ultimately did re-adjust to shagging his mediocre wife again on a fairly regular basis and providing for his family, but hes always re-iterated that that totally astounding one-night-stand of incredible and unbridled lust with the equally astounding 17 year-old Pauline Hickey in 1985 in Ireland was like something he`d never experienced before or since, and the sight of Pauline literally drenched with his jizz was THE most memorable image and memory of his entire life. McConnell also said that the quite astonishing 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985 was literally like a totally perfect mega-titted sexual-Goddess who`d been sent to earth specifically to show all the other 17 year-old birds in the world exactly what a quite stunning 17 year-old mega-titted lust-pot is supposed to look like!. I think he was right, the fucking lucky bastard ! ! !.

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    6. Yum-Yum, did you know there is a different and much better version of Abraham Lincolns Gettysburg Address from 1855 that is often unfairly overlooked, allow me to quote it here: "I promise you all that i shall find a way to travel forward in time by 130 years to 1985 and when i arrive there i will immediately locate the quite astonishing 17 year-old mega-titted beauty called Pauline Hickey, and, as God is my witness, i shall then proceed to spend 1000 years having my willy squashed and squeezed between the birds mind-bogglingly unbelievable tits, 24 hours-a-day, non-stop, uninterrupted, for the entire millennium (and jizz literally a gallon of spunk all over the birds amazingly perfect knockers every 10 minutes during the whole 1000 year period, obviously ! ! !). This i do for you the people, for America will gain in strength and power every time my willy unloads another massive wad of spunk all over THE most stunningly perfect tits in the entire history of the universe". Now, i think you`ll all agree, that 'REAL' and 'TRUE' Gettysburg Address is much more preferable to the ludicrously false and phoney one we`ve been reading for the last 167 years ! ! !.

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    7. Daniel Craig...said...: "Being James Bond has brought me incredible levels of fame and fortune over the last 20 years or so but i would gladly exchange it all for being able to somehow travel back in time by 37 years to 1985 and have my knob squashed and squeezed between the truly mind-blowing 17 year-old Pauline Hickeys unbelievably perfect tits, 24 hours-a-day, non-stop, uninterrupted, for the next 10,000 years ! ! !. Back in those days that bird was totally beyond beyond belief in her completely unparalleled magnificence and astounding mega-titted perfection. I`m sure Ian Fleming shagged literally hundreds of gorgeous sex-pots in his life but i doubt if he ever got to screw or Bombay-Roll anything quite like the truly mind-boggling Miss Hickey, if he had done he`d have never written any 'espionage/Bond' novels at all because he`d have been to busy having his willy squashed and squeezed between the birds unimprovably perfect tits, 24 hours-a-day, uninterrupted, every day of his life ! ! !.


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    8. I think I've seen The Sexy Secrets of the Kiss-O-Gram Girls.

      Large breasted women dancing topless... in England.

      Liz Leather teaches them the proper way to gyrate in lingerie near the seashore.

      Hmmm, weird.

      I detected an aversion to Limey nonsense.

      I guess exceptions can be made... especially when shapely breasts are involved.

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  10. Yum-Yum, Joe Biden has been officially quoted as saying that he'd gladly give up the Presidency of the United States in exchange for somehow being able to travel back in time by 37 years to 1985 specifically to have his willy squashed and squeezed between the truly amazing 17 year-old Pauline Hickeys mind-blowingly exquisite tits, for 24 hours-a-day, non-stop, uninterrupted, for the next 10,000 years (and squirt a gallon of spunk all over those stunningly perfect knockers literally every 5 minutes during the entire 10,000 year period, obviously!) ! ! !.

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  11. i wasn't prepared for what the fuck would be going on in this comments section lmao

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  12. So much great content on this blog, even in the comments section. Miss you Yum-Yum!

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