Sexandroide (Michel Ricaud, 1987)

You remember when a leggy and wonderfully muscular-armed Angela Bassett lip-syncs Tina Turner's "What's Love Got to Do With It" as Tina Turner at the end of the movie of the same name? Well, that's what most normal people think of when they hear that song playing, oh, let's say, while browsing the frozen food aisle at their local corporate supermarket. Us abnormal people (a.k.a. cult movie fans), however, whether we want it to or not, have to contend with the dizzying image of a naked, belly chain-sporting, recently turned female vampire dancing up a storm to the song immediately popping into our heads whenever the classic '80s jam decides to make its presence felt (while, of course, we're out buying frozen peas). Unfortunately, most folks won't be able to enjoy the sight I just described as they probably won't make it to the end of the ultra-strange Sexandroide, come for the scantily clad torture, stay... as far as away from this movie as you possibly can. Seriously, no good can come from you watching it. The way I see it, the Tina Turner/"What's Love Got to Do With It" sequence that ends the film is the reward for those who were able to slog through such a heinous exercise. (It can't be that be that bad, can it?) Trust me, it can. For starters, two pairs of stockings, one red, one black, are torn asunder in this flick. (Oh, I thought you were going to mention the nipple piercing scene.) Yeah, that's pretty awful. But seeing two perfectly good pairs of stockings ruined was too much for me.

The Michel Ricaud-directed film, which is, thankfully, barely fifty minutes long, opens with a faceless man/woman/creature of unknown origin opening an envelope that contains a photo of a blonde woman. Without wasting any time, the faceless individual starts abusing the photo. Meanwhile, a blonde women (who looks like the blonde woman from the photo) in red stockings is sitting (with her legs crossed) at a bar...

(What kind of dress is she wearing?)

It's a simple dress, but the colour is nothing but. If I had to describe it, I would call it red hot poker-esque, as it mixes yellow and red in a similar manner as the flower of the same name.

While in the ladies room, the woman suddenly feels sick and vomits in the sink.

After she's done throwing up, she suddenly feels a force tearing at her clothes. While I was somewhat saddened to see her red stockings and matching garter-belt removed in such a violent manner, the sequence itself is kind of awesome. In fact, if the entire film had been a series erotic vignettes involving lingerie-clad women struggling to prevent their clothes from being torn off by an unseen entity, I would have no choice but to declare Sexandroide to be one of the greatest films of all-time.

In a way, the film does adhere to that basic principal. But the middle "vignette" is so disgusting that... Though, I have to say, it's only vignette where the stockings make out pretty much unscathed. And the twist ending was a pleasant surprise... Actually, now that I think about it, the film isn't all that bad.

Note to self: Try to decide whether or not you like a film before you start reviewing it, not during.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, the blonde in the washroom was being tortured by an unseen individual wielding some kind of voodoo-style power. After they're finished with the photo, the unseen individual starts poking a doll with needles. As expected, the blonde, whose sexy legs used to be sheathed in red stockings, begins to bleed from the places that are being poked on the doll.

I don't know why this happening to her, or why I'm watching it for that matter, but I have to give it up to the actress portraying the washroom blonde. She had me convinced an invisible presence was fucking up her shit big time. Kudos to you, unnamed actress from the opening scene of Sexandroide, your unorthodox thespian skills did not go unnoticed by this viewer.

If you thought the blonde's thespian skills were unorthodox, the lithe brunette in the black hold-up thigh-high stockings takes unorthodox acting to the next level.

After descending a staircase in a dramatic, unorthodox fashion, the lithe brunette stumbles upon a red carpeted room. Wait, why did she shoot that hooded figure and why is she setting her hands on fire? This movie has taken a bizarre turn. Oh, sure, it was bizarre before. But this is ridiculous. Whatever, um. Removing her black dress, the lithe brunette (who is sporting a bob-style haircut) begins to whip herself with a cat o' nine tails.

Interrupted by a ghastly man-thing in Frankenstein leisurewear, the lithe brunette finds her skinny ass in serious danger, as the ghastly man ties her to a chair. Sticking nails in her nipples and tongue, the ghastly man removes one of her eyes and eats it... Ugh... this is disgusting.

(Yeah, it's fucking gross. But look at her stockings... there's not a scratch on them.) It's true, the fact that her stockings make it through this unspeakable nightmare unsullied was worthy of a smidgen of uncut giddiness. But still...

Again, I have to ask: Why is this happening to her and why am I watching it? Never mind that. The twist ending is surprisingly romantic. Yeah, I know, how can eyeball-eating and self-disembowelment be romantic? If anyone knows how to make those things seem romantic, it's the makers of Sexandroide.

The final vignette contains the same amount of garment-tearing and general unpleasantness as the previous two chapters in the Sexandroide saga. But alas, this one features the infamous "What's Love Got to Do With It" dance number.

It starts off with (yet another) a lithe brunette in sexy goth funeral clothes mourning over a casket that contains what looks like a vampire. Suddenly, without warning, the vampire springs from the casket and begins to rip off the lithe brunette's clothes. Damn, those were some nice black stockings. But just like that, they're gone. It's a fucking shame, I tell ya.

Biting her on the neck, the lithe brunette collapses against the coffin, the end. Oh, wait. The lithe brunette is a vampire now. Which makes sense, I guess. What doesn't make sense is why is the lithe brunette vampire chick dancing to Tina Turner's "What's Love Got to Do With It"? Or maybe it does... make sense. Either way, Sexandroide is, to put it mildly, a fucked up movie. Sure it's gory and sleazy, like hundreds of other films. But there's just something off about it that I can't quite put my finger on. And it's this "off-ness" that makes the film sort of worth watching. SORT OF.