Mission: Killfast (Ted V. Mikels, 1991)

If this film is really from 1991, then why does Sharon Hughes' hair look exactly the way it does in Chained Heat... from 1983? Of course, I found out later that Ted V. Mikels' Mission: Killfast was actually shot in the early 1980s but not released until 1991. But still, the amount of 1980s stuff in this film (big hair, Uzis, Jewel Shepard's puffy nipples, etc.) threw me for a loop. I know, I've said in the past that 1991 is more '80s than some years that appeared in the actual 1980s. But this is 1983, or maybe even 1982, we're talking about. Anyway, after clearing up the whole year thing, I decided that I was going to accuse Ted V. Mikels (Corpse Grinders) of ripping off Andy Sidaris. But thanks to the year debacle, it looks like that's not going to happen now (I had this idea that Ted V. Mikels was trying to replicate Andy Sidaris' Girls, Guns and G-Strings formula). Nonetheless, the film, whether it's an Andy Sidaris clone or not, is still a garbage. However, there were certain parts that I did enjoy. Though, I have to say, the film's annoying habit of killing off my favourite female characters did test my patience. I mean, at least four hot babes are murdered in this movie. Either way, the film's fixation with showing Shanti modeling bikinis was wonderfully bizarre. Why is it "wonderfully bizarre"? It's simple, really. You don't often see mature models in movies. Yet, this film features a woman (with, mind you, a shaved head) in, oh, let's say, her early fifties, modeling bikinis... in the middle of the day!

When I saw Shanti (a.k.a. Wendy Altamura) modeling '80s-style swimwear pool side (like I said, in the middle of the day!) at around the eleven minute mark, I thought to myself: Damn, I might have to review this piece of shit.

Then I saw Shanti sending a fax using a fax machine (duh) while wearing a kufi and red thigh-high boots. When I saw this, I was like, Stop it, movie. Don't make me review your stupid ass.

The film ultimately left me no choice when it showed a bikini-clad Shanti posing for photos at the beach. If I didn't have a soft spot for mature women with ultra-short hair, I would have tossed this movie's bloated corpse in the nearest dumpster.

Or would I have? You see, the film introduces us to Sharon Hughes' Catt Valone pretty late in the game. And, I think most people will agree, she's the best non-Shanti thing in this movie. For starters, she's a real actress. And secondly, she has big hair. Think about that. She can recite scripted dialogue in a semi-convincing manner and she has big hair.

I'm afraid the same can't be said for the rest of the chuckleheads who appear in this movie.

The film's supposed "star," Tiger Yang, is adept at kicking people in the face and that's about it.

As for the actors who play the seemingly never-ending cadre of lumpy, middle-aged henchmen, they bring nothing to the table. Hell, one of these lumpy fucks is repeatedly upstaged by a never not pool side leggy blonde floozy. Clearly told by the director to fawn all over this lumpy fuck, the never not pool side leggy blonde floozy gets nowhere with him. Yep, this Crisco-scented tub of reticulated ass-fuckery just sits there as a leggy angel in a black one-piece bathing suit acts circles around him. Or maybe she was overacting? Nah, it was all that tubby asshole's fault. To make matters worse, they have two scenes together.

On the bright side, the never not pool side leggy blonde floozy is the only female character who doesn't die horribly in this film. Yay?

Should I bother doing a synopsis of the film's plot? Um, sure, why not. Let's see if I remember what happens, plot-wise.

A unnamed big-haired brunette steals case containing detonators for an atomic bomb. When the big-haired brunette tries to sell the detonators to a gang of criminals, she winds up dead (she asks for too much money). Not wanting the detonators to fall into the hands of terrorists, the government (lead by Ronald Gregg) enlists the help of Tiger Yang, a retired C.I.A. agent turned martial arts instructor. Detonators. Terrorists. Tiger Yang. Yep, that pretty much covers it.

Did I mention the criminals who steal the detonators run a magazine called "Scam"? No? How strange. At any rate, some of the film's best scenes involve the running of this magazine. Mainly the scenes, where, you guessed it, the milf-tastic Shanti poses for photos.

Fans of older women in headbands will love the fact that Shanti's headbands always match her outfit. (Get the fuck out of here. They can't always match.) Trust me, they always match. Always.

If you're wondering if Jewel Shepard's headband matches her outfit, stop wondering. Her character, in a shocking twist, doesn't wear clothes. (Not even a headband?) Man, you guys and your obsession with ladies in headbands. No, she doesn't wear a headband.

Even though Mission: Killfast is a colossal failure as an action movie (even the explosion effects are laughably bad), the film will definitely satisfy fans of Andy Sidaris/Amir Shervan-style action-adventure films. In other words, if you like gross incompetence and '80s fashion, you might want to check out this out. At the very least, fast-forward to good parts, i.e. the scenes featuring the unknown big-haired brunette, Shanti, Jewel Shepard and Sharon Hughes.