Thursday, March 3, 2016

Jungle Virgin Force (Danu Umbara, 1988)

Even though it contains a shitload of stuff that I wholeheartedly approve of, it took quite some time for Jungle Virgin Force (a.k.a. Perawan rimba) to give me something to latch onto. Let me put it this way. Whereas the similar Virgins from Hell had things to latch onto from start to finish, this particular Indonesian action-adventure movie was a tad lacking in the latch department. However, unlike Virgins from Hell, Jungle Virgin Force has cannibalism going for it. I know, there's a scene in Virgins from Hell where leggy virgins are roasted on a spit, but they weren't eaten. At least I don't think they were. Anyway, the colossal douche nozzle in the Fila shirt in this movie is definitely eaten. Accept he isn't roasted on a spit. No, this guy is zapped by a laser beam that came shooting out of the hand of an elderly high priest/nutjob/wizard. So, yeah, this film's got cannibalism going for it. Yay! Wait, did I mention what I eventually latched onto? I didn't? That's weird. Displaying some mildly objectionable qualities when we first meet her, the gorgeous and wonderfully skanky Enny Beatrice doesn't let her hosebeast flag fly to its fullest potential until the final third when she brilliantly orchestrates a three-way battle for the ownership of the Indonesian archipelago's finest slab of Indonesian cock.

Actually, she orchestrates a battle featuring two women, not three. You see, she's only pretending to be interested in his Indonesian cock. What Enny Beatrice is really interested in is hidden treasure, and the man attached to this Indonesian cock is the only one who knows where it's hidden. 

(Why did you feel the need to nationalize his cock?) I'm not nationalizing his cock. I abhor nationalism. It's made-up nonsense. Geography, on the other hand, is real. In other words, what I'm doing is more in line with genital geography than it is with cock-based nationalism.

As I was saying, Doris (Enny Beatrice), utilizing her innate irresistibleness, sets in motion a series of events that will hopefully pit Jelita (Lydia Kandou), an almost jungle queen, against Maya, a leggy reporter. And by doing so, create a wedge between them and the man attached to the aforementioned Indonesian cock.

Of course, if this plan doesn't work out, there's always plan B. As expected, this plan is eerily similar to plan A. Oh, and before you starting accusing Doris of having Indonesian cock on the brain, ask yourself this: If you looked as good as Doris does in skimpy black leather shorts, would you waste your time trying to achieve your goals via non-Indonesian cock-related means? I don't think so.

What I think I'm trying to say is this: Cut Doris some slack. All she wants to do is snag herself some hidden treasure. And if that means debasing herself a little bit in order to do so, than so be it.

While there are many obstacles that stand in Doris' way, I think most observers will agree that the biggest one is the tribe of black magic practicing cannibals that populate the jungles where the treasure is hidden.

Located on an island somewhere in the middle of The Triangle of Death, the hidden treasure is currently on the radar of some city folk. Told by their professor to stay away from The Triangle of Death, a group of students, Haidar (Harry Capri), Maya (Nena Rosier), John (Torro Margens), Larasati (Rita Zahara) and Matt Solar (Mat Solar), ignore the professor's warning and plan on leaving right away.

Since the professor doesn't want his students deaths on his conscience, he has arranged that Mr. Bunion (Pitrajaya Burnama) be their guide.

You're probably wondering, how does Doris and her group find out about the treasure. Well, you can blame John for that. You see, John let's slip that he's going on a treasure hunt to his girlfriend. Anyone care to guess who John's girlfriend tells? That's right, she runs straight to Doris. When Doris and her gang confront the professor and demand that he give them a map to the treasure, a huge brawl breaks out. One that has Larazati attack Doris with a teaching skeleton.

Meanwhile, on The Triangle of Death, a power struggle is brewing between a witch and a wizard. The cause of this struggle is Jelita, a mysterious woman who wears a magic medallion. While the witch and her followers (sexy women in animal print bikinis) want to make Jelita their goddess/queen, the wizard and his crew (scallywags and scumbags, some sporting horns) are not down with this course of action. The power struggle eventually morphs into an all out war, as the two sides battle with one another over Jelita's role in their society.

Of course, Haidar's group and Doris' group (they managed to bribe the pilot who took Haidar's group to The Triangle of Death to fly them there too) have no idea that they have landed smack-dab in the middle of a jungle war zone.

Jungle war zone or not, that doesn't stop Doris from shaking her money-maker. When shaking it in the general direction of Haidar gets her nowhere, Doris turns her mouth-watering money-maker toward John. Exploiting his weakness for fine Indonesian booty, Doris manages to convince John (and, I suppose, his Indonesian cock) to switch sides with a relative ease. Sure, it might not be the Indonesian cock she wanted, but in this kooky topsy-turvy world, where upside down decapitation and douchebag BBQ are never not de rigueur, any Indonesian cock will do.

If films about skanky hosebeasts who will do just about anything to find hidden treasure are not to your liking, I have to say, what the hell is wrong with you? She's skanky and a hosebeast... what more do you want? Seriously, though, if you want more, just open your ears real wide and let that fucking amazing synth score wash over you. It's so good, I thought I was listening to a lost Coil album.

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