Sunday, October 11, 2015

Swimfan (John Polson, 2002)

Looking back, I think I might have been a little hard on 1995 in my review of Powder. If any year deserves to be mocked for having no discernible character whatsoever, it's 2002. Seriously, 2002, you are one bland motherfucker. And the cast of 2002's Swimfan encapsulate this blandness by being one of the most boringly-attired groups of people I've ever laid eyes on. There is, however, one exception. And that is the film's heroin, Madison "I'm Not Going to be IGNORED" Bell. Played by Erika Christensen, the round-faced, shapely non-suppressive person wears leather skirts, trench-coats, argyle sweaters and heels, lot's of heels. To be fair, her peers are mostly jocks. In other words, their wardrobes are 99% hoodies and sweatpants. But still... What's that? What does the other 1% of their wardrobe consist of? Oh, that is usually made up of something black. And, no, they're not closet Goths... though, I kinda wish they were (Hey, bro. Wave-Gotik Treffen is going to be off the chain this year... now let's go drink Mountain Dew and play sports). Uh-uh, the reason they have a black outfit in their wardrobe is so that they will have something to wear at their friend's funeral when they're justifiably beaten to death with a baseball bat. Yep, you heard me. I said, "justifiably beaten to death." You got a problem with that? Good, let's move on.

On top of being a fan of brown leather skirts, Madison Bell likes it when the globs of soft tissue that line her vaginal wall seize the erect penis of a man who loves her. Arriving at a new school, one that is filled with penises to clasp onto vaginally, Madison applies some lip gloss to her lips (her facial vulva), and selects the cock she wants to fuck.

Given that Madison prefers it when the men attached to the cocks she wants to fuck are relatively hunky, she selects Ben Cronin (Jesse Bradford), a former drug addict/bad boy turned star swimmer/straight-up dullard.

Since she can't go right up to him and say, "I want you to insert your chlorine-soaked penis into my dank cubby-hole-esque vagina, and then I want you to fall in love with me." She concocts some cockamamie cock and bull story about not being able to get her locker open. Realizing that Ben can't use his cock to open the lock, she makes sure that he can clearly see the hair clip in her hair.

Seeing the hair clip, Ben asks Madison if he can use it. Of course, Madison agrees, and she proceeds to watch Ben repeatedly cram her hair clip into her lock until it pops open.

Now, most people will view what just happened as a simple act of kindness. They saw a  relatively hunky fella help a round-faced teen with womanly hips out of a non-life threatening pickle of a jam, and that's it. On the other hand, what Madison Bell and I saw was something else all-together. He might not know it yet, but Ben just passed the most important test he will ever take. Think about it. Thanks to his impromptu locksmith skills, Ben is about to be taken on a wild, wild vaginal ride, one I hope his chlorine-soaked penis is prepared to make.

What's that? You say Ben already has a girlfriend. Nah, that's his little sister. Wait, maybe you're right. When I first saw Amy (Shiri Appleby) and Ben making out in his truck in the opening scene, I thought: Hmm, they seem close. But then it dawned on me, brothers and sisters don't usually open mouth kiss one another with such reckless abandon; at least not this far north. Nevertheless, I hope Ben let's Amy down gently when he kicks her to the curb. I mean, it's the least he can do given that she has no booty whatsoever to cushion her fall when she lands on the unforgiving curb concrete after Ben kicks her there.

Unfortunately, no such kick is forthcoming. I know, the fact that Ben took the time out of his busy swimming schedule to help Madison open her lock is all the evidence you need to prove that he doesn't like Amy anymore. But Ben has this idea in his head that he can continue to date Amy and mount Madison on the side. First of all, Madison is not the type of woman you mount on the side (if you're going mount her, you better mount her with everything your pelvis has to offer). And secondly, why haven't you kicked Amy to the curb yet? Drop that clingy bint. Do it now!

If you need further proof that Ben has round-faced shapely chicks with ultra-smooth calves on his mind, look no further than the scene where he's driving home. Spotting a round-faced shapely chick with ultra-smooth calves walking down the street, Ben, as he gets closer, notices that the round-faced shapely chick with ultra-smooth calves isn't Madison. However, as he's realizing this, Ben nearly runs over another round-faced shapely chick with ultra-smooth calves, who turns out to be–you guessed it–Madison.

Did anyone else think Madison actually hired the other round-faced shapely chick with ultra-smooth calves in order to distract Ben? I know, it's a little far-fetched. But Madison, as we'll soon find out, is pretty crafty. I can picture her ad in the classifieds: Wanted: Curvaceous round-faced woman with ultra-smooth calves for convoluted seduction purposes. Bring your own raincoat.

If Madison didn't hire the other round-faced shapely chick with ultra-smooth calves, she definitely left her notebook in his truck on purpose.

As Ben is heading out to return Madison's notebook, his mom asks him why he's dressed so fancy. To which Ben replies: "It's pants and a shirt, mom." Isn't that disgusting? In this universe, Ben is considered nattily dressed. Can you believe this? Someone needs to drag all these slovenly dressed losers over to Trash and Vaudeville to get better wardrobes. Ask for Jimmy, he'll hook you up.

Anyway, the classic leave behind trick works like a charm, as Ben and Madison end up hanging out. And by "hanging out," I mean, making love in the pool at their school. And by "making love," I mean, fucking Showgirls-style in the pool's deep end.

You would think that now would be the perfect time to kick Amy to the curb. But what does Ben do, he tries to act like nothing happened. Well, let's just say, Madison has a few tricks up her sleeve. In other words, Madison is going to make sure Ben knows that she's not one to be trifled with when it comes to matters of vaginal jurisprudence. Let me put it this way: If you enter her pussy, you better be prepared to enter it again and again and again and again and again. Or else.

Oh, sure, "or else" initially entails leaving her panties in his truck (an oldie but a goodie). But things are gradually ratcheted up as the film progresses. We're talking pop ins, chat room trolling, e-mailed selfies, calve flashing, switching meds, pager spamming, urine sample tampering, baseball bats to the head, vehicular homicide, drowning, and even kidnapping. Of course, none of this seems to phase Ben, who still insists on dating Amy. I know, what a tool.

Call me someone who ain't hooked up right, but I think this film is trying to tell us that round-faced shapely chicks with ultra-smooth calves are unworthy of being loved. And as someone who's always been pro-round-faced shapely chicks with ultra-smooth calves, I found the film's message to be offensive and gross.

Granted, that doesn't mean I don't think anyone should watch it. I'm just saying, if you're like me and totally on Team Madison, be prepared to be outraged.


  1. This may come across as a strange question; but Madison doesn't do anything horrible to a cute animal, does she?

    1. Not counting Shiri Appleby, no, I don't think Madison harms any cute animals in Swimfan.