Sunday, April 12, 2015

Pretty Peaches (Alex de Renzy, 1978)

Is it okay if I use the word "spunk" to describe Desiree Cousteau's performance in Alex de Renzy's Pretty Peaches? The only reason I ask is because I'm sure lot's of other people have used the word "spunk" to describe Desiree Cousteau in this hardcore gem from the late 1970s and I don't want come across as a hack. However, after watching my first(!) Desiree Cousteau movie, I'm afraid no other word is applicable. You didn't here it first, but it bears repeating: Desiree Cousteau has spunk. To not fall under her spunky spell in... (Spunky spell?!?) What? No good? Let me put it another way: It is virtually impossible for one not to be enchanted by this frequently naked enchantress. Impossible, I tell you. (Even when she has a torrent of rectum-adjacent water spewing from of her anus?) Are you kidding? Even more so. In fact, the enema scene did nothing but solidify my opinion that Desiree Cousteau is a spunk-ridden spunk factory. It also didn't hurt that the flood of mountain stream-quality poop-chute water spraying from her impeccably designed butt-hole was so powerful, that it caused the "physician" administrating the enema to fall to the floor in a comical manner.

While the scene I just described might sound a tad off-putting to those not firmly ensconced within the wet and wild confines of the enema community, it's actually one of the funniest scenes ever committed to celluloid. And you wanna know why it's so funny? Well, yeah, the sight of people being knocked over by ass water is inherently funny (it would have been even funnier if the ass water had a taupe sheen to it). No, it's funny because Desiree Cousteau has–yep, you guessed it–spunk.

It's a good thing she's got spunk. I mean, imagine how grim this film would have been had it starred a non-spunky actress? Noodle with that thought a bit. I dare you. Pretty frightening, eh?

Obviously we don't have to think about that, as Desiree Cousteau's shapely stems transport her from one depraved situation to another with a wide-eyed sense of confused wonder.

Speaking of confused wonder, has any actress nailed being a clueless twit so effortlessly? Sure, Tara Reid's exemplary work in Josie and the Pussycats immediately comes to mind. But other than that, I don't think I have ever seen an actress play stupid so convincingly.

Opening with the line, "My daddy's getting married today and I'm going to the wedding," Peaches (Desiree Cousteau) hops in her jeep(!) and heads to the ceremony. And by "ceremony," I'm talking about a dingy strip mall chapel/casino located somewhere in the wilds of northern California.

Arriving just in time to see her father, Hugh (John Leslie), marry some skinny chick with hairy legs named Lilly (Flower), Peaches congratulates the happy couple and hugs her new mom.

Feeling neglected by the happy couple while playing the slots, Peaches drives off in a huff into the countryside. Am I crazy, or is Desiree Cousteau really driving that jeep? The only reason I ask is because she's not taking it slow. In fact, she's tearing across the rugged landscape with what is clearly a reckless abandon.

Crashing into some shrubs near where a couple of dudes, Kid (Joey Silvera) and Terry (Ken Scudder), are experiencing car trouble, Peaches stumbles out of the jeep and collapses on the ground.

Nowadays, the decision to not grope an unconscious woman is an easy one (at least I hope it is). However, back in the late 1970s, things were a little more complicated. Now, I'm not saying groping the comatose was a common practice back then, I'm just saying... Actually, I have no idea what I'm saying. Nevertheless, Kid and Terry decide to loosen Peaches' clothing–you know, to help alleviate her not conscious state.

"Do you think her panties are on too tight"? asks Terry to a perplexed Kid. After gingerly sliding her panties off, Kid begins to stroke her pussy.

While Terry thinks they have gone far enough, Kid takes it one step further and inserts his erect penis into her slumbering vagina. In a weird twist, Peaches begins to foster his thrusting. Of course, this doesn't make it okay, but it does manage to dampen some of the awkwardness.

When Peaches wakes up, she discovers that her panties are on inside out and that two strange men are with her. That's not the only thing she discovers, it would seem that Peaches doesn't know who she is. Taking advantage of her condition, Kid and Terry pretend her jeep is their jeep. Realizing that she doesn't want to be left alone in the woods, Peaches chooses to tag along with the two men, who are on their way to... San Francisco.

In order to cure Peaches' amnesia, Kid and Terry take her to see Kid's Uncle Percy. Now wearing a slinky black dress, Peaches enters the building her trademark swagger (I'd say her walk is a weird mix of idiocy and confidence). I'm not sure if this "Uncle Percy" is a real doctor. Think about it, would a real doctor try to treat amnesia with enemas? I know they're good for what ails you, but I think Peaches' problem is in her head, not her rectum.

Nevertheless, the sight of wave after wave of crystal clear water spurting from Peaches' faultless anus brought a tear to my eye. I only wish I could tell you how many spurts took place during the soggy barrage. But, alas, I forgot to keep track of them. If I were to guess, I'd say it took at least four separate spurts to empty Peaches' rectum. I can't believe I failed to count the number of spurts... I must be slipping.

Anyway, you would think that Peaches would never to want to speak to Kid and Terry after what just happened, but she ends up crashing at their place.

Meanwhile, Hugh and Lilly have just returned from their honeymoon, much to the chagrin of Hugh's housekeeper, Katja (Juliet Anderson, a.k.a. Aunt Peg). Worried about his daughter (it's not like her to run off like that), Hugh can't help but think she's in trouble. Oh, the reason Katja is experiencing chagrin-like symptoms is because she now has to share Hugh with another woman.

Did anyone else cry out in agony when John Leslie thoughtlessly pulls off Aunt Peg's fishnet stockings at the beginning of their sex scene? Just me, eh?

The enema Peaches' received from Uncle Percy is going to seem like a walk in the park compared to what the sleaze-bags at a local club have in store for her. Answering an ad in the paper, Peaches auditions for a job as a dancer. Sounds innocent enough. Only, the audition soon turns into a live sex show, one that features a bound Peaches being poked and prodded by a gang of unruly lesbians wielding dildos (some are strapped on, some are handheld) for a paying audience. That's San Francisco in the 1970s for you. One minute you're eating Bran Chex in your rapist's kitchen, the next you're lying spread eagle on a stage being violated by a gaggle of angry dykes.

Will Peaches remember who she is? Will Hugh ever find his daughter? Will Kid be charged with sexual assault? If you watch all the way to the end, you will receive the answer to at least two of these questions.

As usual, Pretty Peaches finishes with an orgy scene (one with an oil theme). Having your film end with an orgy scene, in Alex de Renzy's mind, is the best way to conclude a narrative-based motion picture, as it forces the characters to make decisions at their most vulnerable (naked and covered in other people's cum). And, I have to say, as far as formulas go, it works. Everything, well, almost everything, is resolved, and the showers that take place when the director yells cut are going to be glorious; there's nothing more satisfying than showering after an orgy; believe me, I don't know.

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