Thursday, January 9, 2014

Hard Hunted (Andy Sidaris, 1992)

If I saw Becky Mullen walking down the street, I would approach her--in, of course, the most sheepish manner possible--and tell her that she single-handedly restored my faith in Andy Sidaris, the writer-director of such classics as Picasso Trigger, Savage Beach and Guns. And let's say I did have the opportunity to speak with her, I think our encounter would have gone a little something like this: (Yum-Yum): Hey, Becky! (Becky): ??? (Yum-Yum): Becky! (Becky): ??? (Yum-Yum): Becky! (Becky): Get away from me, creep. (Yum-Yum): I will in a second, I just wanted to tell you that your performance in Hard Hunted was amazing. No, scratch that, it was...spectacular. Yes, it was spectacular! (Becky): Hard what? (Yum-Yum): You remember, Hard Hunted. You play Becky, the plucky intern/hot tub enthusiast at KSXY. (Becky): Oh, yeah. Don't I just stand around in a red bikini pouring coffee for most of that movie? (Yum-Yum): It's true, you do stand around a lot, and you do seem to pour a lot of coffee. But the way did both was so compelling, that I stripped down to my bra and panties and started to rock back and forth in the foetel position every time you appeared onscreen. (Becky): Is that a good thing? (Yum-Yum): I don't know, you tell me. (Becky): I'd rather not. (Yum-Yum): Yeah, it's probably better if you didn't. Either way, you ruled in this movie. (Becky): Thanks. (Yum-Yum): So, you wanna go get some beef jerky, maybe rent a Pauly Shore movie? I hear Son-in-Law is a real hoot. (Becky): Nah, I gotta go lance a boil. Maybe some other time. (Yum-Yum): Bye, Becky from Hard Hunted. You not only restored my faith in Andy Sidaris, but my faith in humanity. (Becky): Um, okay. Bye.

Why is Becky Mullen lancing boils, you ask? Well, in my world, Becky gave up acting/bikini modeling in the mid-90s to become a dermatologist who specializes in lancing boils. Anyway, after the debacle that was Do or Die, me and Andy Sidaris weren't exactly on speaking terms. After taking a bit of self-imposed Andy Sidaris sabbatical, I began to eyeball The Andy Sidaris Collection once again. Determined not to have a  repeat of what happened the last time I sat down to watch an Andy Sidaris film, I approached the next film on the docket with just right amount of caution.

My trepidation melted away almost immediately, as Andy Sidaris gives us two sexy babes in black stockings right out of the gate. However, the film is technically a continuation of what occurred in Do or Die. Meaning, secret agents Donna Hamilton (Dona Speir) and Nicole Justin (Roberta Vasquez) are still on the trail of a super-villain named Kane. The only difference being Kane is now played by Geoffrey Moore and the film takes place almost exclusively in Hawaii and Lake Havasu City. If you remember correctly, most of Do or Die was shot in the swamps of Louisiana. Don't get me wrong, I love the swamp, it's just not that conducive to bikini-clad action sequences.

On a yacht located somewhere off the coast of Hawaii, Silk (Carolyn Liu) and Mika (Mika Quintard) are busy putting on a lesbian lingerie show for the crotch-based benefit of their boss Kane, a man whose thirst for power and riches is almost as great as his thirst for hot chicks in black stockings. Excited to finally get his hands on a jade Buddha figurine, one that contains the trigger to a nuclear bomb, Kane is on well his way to getting the power and riches he desires so thirstily. (I don't know, he seems pretty powerful and rich already.) Yeah, but they always end up wanting more.

The only problem with Kane's plan is that Silk and Mika are both in cahoots with the federal government. That's right, they're spies. While Silk is deep undercover, Mika is only mildly so. Which means, it's up to Mika to steal the jade Buddha from Kane. With the help of a windsurfer named Cole (Buzzy Kerbox), Mika manages to get jade Buddha away from Kane.

Meanwhile, over in Molokai, Edy Stark (Cynthia Brimhall) is back doing what she does best: singing cheesy pop songs for braindead tourists.

Arriving at Edy's with a leggy authority, Ava (Ava Cadell) gets out of her yellow jeep, plants her left leg on the pavement with a ton of gusto, and proceeds to make her way to KSXY studios, a radio station located near of back of Edy's. I don't know 'bout you, but it was weird seeing someone so large-breasted act so leggy. At any rate, removing her leopard print sarong, to reveal a leopard print bikini, Ava, despite being born in Hungary, grabs the mic and starts uttering English words with a breathtaking ease. Am I crazy, or is Ava Cadell's command of the English language far greater than everyone else who appears in this film?

I hope you don't mind, but I just did a little research on Ava Cadell, and it says that she attended school in England and is the author of at least seven books. Hot damn! I knew there was something more to Ava Cadell than just her giant tits. You can tell just by listening to the way she talks that she's got a lot going on when it comes to thinking thoughts and junk.

On the opposite end of the thinking spectrum, there's Becky Mullen. Wait, that didn't come out right. She might think thoughts, but she doesn't exactly get a chance to think all that much in Hard Hunted. Nevertheless, Becky Mullen plays Becky, the, according to Shane Abilene (Michael J. Shane), "outrageously gorgeous," agent in training who spends most of the movie getting Ava coffee in a red bikini.

Don't forget, Becky shoots three beer cans off a fence using Shane's .44 magnum, gets a fax, and hoses down a radio antenna. Oh, yeah, she totally does those things.

I might get around to explaining why Becky needed to hose down the KSXY radio antenna or I might not. Let's see how the next few paragraphs go first, shall we?

If you're wondering where Mika's headed with the jade Buddha, she's been instructed by Ava and Edy to meet up with Donna Hamilton and Nicole Justin, whose buttcracks are currently being strangled by something called a "thong" in the wilds of Arizona. I know, skimpy swimwear and Arizona aren't exactly a natural fit--and judging by the way they're going to town on their respective buttcracks, neither are the thongs--but just go with it.

Do you think Kane is going to sit idly by and let some double-crossing bimbo steal his jade Buddha? Think again. Kane sicks Al Leong's Raven and his super-cool gyro on her ass.

You know how I was surprised by the sharpness of Ava Cadell's brain? Well, I wasn't surprised at all by Al Leong and his ability to rule. And believe me, Al Leong rules so hard in this movie, it's not even funny.

Okay, I'm think ready to explain why Becky was asked to hose down the KSXY radio antenna. Apparently water helps strengthen the antenna's signal. That seems plausible. And the reason it needed strengthening was because Ava was trying to relay a message to Donna, who was being held captive by Pico (Rodrigo Obregón), the eye-patch-sporting leader of a gang of smugglers. Only problem being, Donna has amnesia. (Oh, no. Does that mean Dona Speir is going to try to act?) I'm afraid so. And get this, Roberta Vasquez tries to act as well. (Oh, the humanity.)

Luckily, Chu Chu Malave and Richard Cansino show up just in time to negate Dona and Roberta's feeble attempt to stretch their acting muscles (they should stick to doing what they do best, and that is, nothing). Playing, what else, bumbling assassins, Chu Chu (Wiley) and Richard (Coyote) are hired by Kane to kill Edy and Lucas (Tony Peck, who has replaced William Bumiller as the head honcho). Using their ACME Hovercraft A33Z, Chu Chu and Richard, while not dressed in drag like they were in Guns, bring some much needed intentional comic relief to the proceedings, as their hit on Edy and Lucas doesn't exactly go as planned.

(What do you mean, "doesn't exactly go as planned"?) Well, let's just say, Lucas is a master fisherman and Edy has a nasty surprise lurking underneath her sarong.

In a rare misstep, Andy Sidaris' decision to include a love scene right smack-dab in the middle of the film's explosive finale was ill-conceived, as it ruined the flow of the movie. Actually, I think he might have included two love scenes during the explosive finale. Either way, they took me out of picture. Nevertheless, Hard Hunted is a definite improvement over the tepid Do or Die, as it contains all the ingredients I look for in an Andy Sidaris film. Now, if you'll excuse, I gotta go see Becky Mullen about getting a boil lanced.


  1. I'm just working from memory, but based on your reviews of Sidaris films, they all seem to have the same plot. More or less. So they are similar in a way to Jean Rollin's vampire and horror films. Except without all the warping of space, time, and narrative logic combined with mind-bending erotic attention to the female form and the landscape around it. All Andy wants are some big old fake titties in his face. Rollin wasn't Bergman or Kurosawa, or Shindoh Kaneto. But in a certain context and in a very focused way, many of his films blend together like one long, meandering erotic fever-dream where ever color, light, landscape, and movement can make you feel sexually aroused.

    But Sidaris? I think the list is basically this:
    1) Fake titties? Check.
    2) One dimension plot scribbled on the back of a hotel bar napkin with a ball-point pen? Check.
    3) Racially stereotypical East Asian villains ripped off from that one Chuck Norris or Kosugi Sho movie watched the other night? Check.
    4) "Exotic" location on the cheap, preferable tropical or at least somewhere warm? Check.
    5) Random sex scenes? Double check.
    6) Blow shit up? Triple check.

    Those seem to be the most important six things. Again just working from memory here. Now that I think about it, Michael Bay (i.e. Lord Satan Himself) has the same checklist, although he tends to swap out the racially offensive Asian bad-guys with just lots of racists jokes and adds a Number 7: As much mutherfucking slow motion as possible. So there we go. Michael Bay learned how to make movies by watching Andy Sidaris pictures. Makes sense now. Old friends have forced me to sit through way to many of those stinkers years ago and time has not healed the wounds.
    Ok. That went on way too long. My main point:

    One of the most important things ever recorded.

    1. Putting the names Rollin and Sidaris together might seem odd, but they both were steadfast in their commitment to their particular proclivities.

      It should be noted... wait a minute, no it shouldn't. Nonetheless, there are no "fake titties" in Andy Sidaris' early films. But as the '80s morphed into the '90s, the titty landscape became awash with silicone, and, so, in turn, so did Andy's films.

      I should have known that tumblr post would Lunch related. :D

    2. If I had a time machine, I would go back to whoever started the whole breast implant thing and slap the shit out of him.

    3. Its just so abhorrently evil on a multitude of levels. Tells heterosexual men "dude, unnaturally huge and perfectly shaped breasts are the only thing you want" and makes women feel like shit about there own bodies. Just evil.

  2. Nice post. Needs more tits. Oh, and:

    @ido: Breast implants tell men that large, perfectly shaped tits are the only thing they want and they make women (the women who chose to get them) feel like shit about their bodies? Whose ass do you pull this stuff out of?

    1. Hmmm... the only rectum where I go for ideas is Mighty Sphincter. So you'll have to check there: