Thursday, June 20, 2013

Picasso Trigger (Andy Sidaris, 1988)

According to Newman, the air in Hawaii is so dewy-sweet, that you don't even have to lick the stamps. And after enduring my third, or was it my fourth? Who has time to count? Anyway, after enduring yet another Andy Sidaris film, I think Newman might be right. The air in Hawaii does seem more moist than...Hold on, did I just say, "enduring"? Let me check. Yeah, it looks like I just did. That's not right. What I should have said was "enjoying," as there's no denying that, despite what they might lack in terms of everything, the films of Andy Sidaris are always enjoyable. Sure, you think they're enjoyable now. But wait until you're writing about your tenth Andy Sidaris film. He made ten movies?!? More than that, actually. Holy crap! So, yeah. Talk to me after you have watched Fit to Kill and Hard Hunted, then we'll see how committed you are to the cult of Andy Sidaris. Hey, as long as they all have hot chicks prancing around in mini-dresses, I'll be fine. What about your world famous aversion to big boobs and bad acting? When did I say I had say I had an aversion to big boobs and bad acting? I think you might have misheard me or something. I don't like fake boobs, which are usually big boobs. As for bad acting? I love bad acting. But I'm not a fan of bad bad acting. Let give you a quick example: The sort of symmetrical Dona Speir is a bad bad actress; she has no charisma, she can't smoke a cigarette in a convincing manner, and she thinks her stupid tits are all that. On the other hand, the adorable Hope Marie Carlton is a good bad actress; her face has pep and she does a killer Mae West impression. Wait, you thought H.M.C.'s Mae West impression was killer? I'd say it was average at best. Okay, maybe it wasn't a "killer." But at least she tried, and that's more than I can say for some of the dolts and dunderheads that appear in Picasso Trigger, the two-pronged action thrill ride with more unexpected explosions than an ill-conceived diarrhea awareness convention. Aren't all diarrhea awareness conventions ill-conceived? Touché.     
Taking his Playboy Playmates shooting automatic weapons in a tropical environment formula and not changing it one bit, Andy Sidaris expands his global reach with this film about double-crossing spies. Stop for a second. Is Andy sticking with his usual game plan, or is he mixing things up? Which is it? Actually, I think he's doing more of the latter in Picasso Trigger, as the film opens in Paris, France of all places.  
I wonder if Andy Sidaris and his crew actually flew to Paris to film the opening scene? Which, like I said, takes place in Paris, France. You don't wonder that. You're right, I'm more concerned about Cynthia Brimhall, Roberta Vasquez, Kym Malin, and Hope Marie Carlton. I mean, how long do I have to wait until I see their shapely bodies onscreen?  
The Picasso Triggerfish is known for its survival skills, and so is Salazar (John Aprea), codename: Picasso Trigger. However, after donating a painting of a Picasso Triggerfish to a Paris art gallery, Picasso Trigger is gunned down by a sniper while leaving the gallery. Who would want him dead? The question you should be asking yourself is, who wouldn't want him dead? I have a nagging suspicion that a drug lord named Miguel Ortiz (Rodrigo Obregón) had something to do with his death. But what's nagging me even more is the fact that Miguel and Salazar looked like they were in cahoots with one another; Miguel sends Salazar a taped message informing him that the plan to avenge the death of his brother is "in motion."
Meanwhile, at the Sands Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Kym (Kym Malin) and Pattycakes (Patty Duffek) are putting on a show. Dressed up like untamed cowgirls of the wild west, Kym and Pattycakes dance erotically while Juan (former Mr. Universe, John Brown), an undercover agent, Shiavo (Nicholas Georgiade), a snuff film director, and a chubby dude and a blonde guy with a ponytail attentively watch from the audience. When you get right down to it, the only real reason this paragraph exists, besides explaining the nefarious makeup of the Sands audience, is to point out that Kym Malin is an attractive woman. And now that I have done that, we can safely move on. That doesn't mean I'm not going to bring up Kym Malin's attractiveness at a later date, I just wanted to make sure I didn't skip over her, as I've noticed that a lot of Picasso Trigger reviews seem to fail to mention Miss Malin, who is easily in the film's top three when it comes to sex appeal.
Oh, and remember those two guys? You know, the chubby one and the blonde  guy with the ponytail? What about them? Well, one of the associates of the snuff film director puts a homing device on their person as they're leaving the casino. Tracking them in a helicopter, the snuff film director associate kills them in the middle of the desert with some sort of rocket launcher. Tracking devices? Helicopters? Rocket launchers? It all seemed so overly complicated. I mean, couldn't they just have shot them? You obviously haven't seen that many Andy Sidaris films. People in his films are always dispatched in this manner. Okay, maybe not always. Take the next scene, for example, as two assassins target two federal agents in Molokai. They were simply shot while walking on the beach. But for the most part, all the violence in his films usually involve helicopters, toy planes, toy cars, jet skis, hovercrafts, airplanes, boomerangs, medical prostheses, speedboats, you name it. Spear guns? Sure, spear guns.
Funny you should mention toy planes, as federal agents Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) are about to be targeted for assassination. Someone tries to kill them with a toy plane? Exactly. Except, they were off snorkeling when the toy plane (one packed with explosives) destroys their boat. 
It would seem that someone is bumping off federal agents. And it's not just agents in Molokai and Las Vegas, they're even being targeted in Texas. Just ask L.G. Abilene (Guich Koock), who is nearly blowed up real good at his ranch. If the name "Abilene" sounds familiar, that's because L.G. is related to Travis Abilene (Steve Bond), the cousin or brother of the Abilene's who appeared in Malibu Express and Hard Ticket to Hawaii. And just like those other Abilene's, Travis is no marksmen, but he is a hit with the ladies. 
Enter Pantera (Roberta Vasquez), the leggiest, most badonkalicious federal agent currently in the spy game. She apparently worked undercover with Salazar, and, so, Travis decides to bring on board the team he's assembling to stop the bloodletting that is currently afflicting much damage on the federal agent community. But won't Donna be upset that Travis is working so closely a woman he once dated?  
When Travis gets one look at Pantera's legs, he'll be saying, Donna who? Seriously, look at her legs. Look at them!!!
After taking in some line dancing at Cowboys, the premiere club for all your synth-flavoured country and western needs, and engaging in some against the wall  intercourse, Travis and Pantera drive, in his red Ferrari, to Uncertain, Texas, to meet up with L.G. at the Big Pines Lodge.
While I admire you attention to detail. But what I really want to know is, what is Roberta Vasquez wearing? Oh, I'm sorry. She's only wearing the tightest pair of white leopard print pants ever to exist on this or any other plane of existence.
The sight of Roberta Vasquez's ample booty encased in those ridiculously tight pants are the real reason to watch this movie.
Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise, obviously has a different opinion than mine. And I respect that. But come on. You have to admire its oomph-like panache.
After an extended speed boat chase (yawn), we see Pantera leaning against Travis's Ferrari in a manner that practically screams Whitesnake.
As she leans, a hush suddenly falls over the audience. Will Pantera turn around once more and give us one last look at her robust ass sheathed in those super-tight pants? Spoiler alert: She totally does. And the crowd goes wild.
Instead of ending on a high note, Picasso Trigger inexplicably continues for another forty or so minutes. After all the agents are briefed in Las Vegas, Donna and Pantera get in a bit of pissing contest over the ownership of Travis's American cock. In reality, Donna's non-existent booty wouldn't stand a chance against the junk Pantera is packing in her trunk. But Travis ends up spending the night with Donna. Boo! You suck, Travis!
You might be thinking to yourself, what does Cynthia Brimhall get up to in this flick? Well, let me tell you. On top of sporting a tight stripped number on the tarmac of some airport, Cynthia's Edy Stark teams up with Jade (Harold Diamond) to take down one of Ortiz's associates. The kicker being, that Edy and Jade dress up as the least convincing telephone repairmen in the long, storied history of the fake telephone repairman ruse to do so; they look like a couple of strippers, all that was missing was their boombox blasting out "Wild Thing" by Tone Lōc.
Hot tub sex, Liv Lindeland's milfy legs strutting pool side, weightlifting sex, boxy blazers (it must be murder for Mr. Universe to find a jacket that fits), a motorbike chase (one that involves Bruce Penhall), Hope Marie Carlton wielding an uzi, and a crutch-zooka (a combination crutch/bazooka), Picasso Trigger checks all the boxes you want to be checked when faced with an Andy Sidaris film. Mind you, that doesn't mean it's a good movie. I'm just saying it provides everything you've come to expect from the jacuzzi-obsessed director. Personally, I thought Roberta Vasquez's bum in those leopard print pants, Kym Malin's untamed cowgirl theatrics, and Cynthia Brimhall's overall gorgeousness were enough to satisfy my frightfully superficial needs and wants.
As usual, we're treated to a coda where our "heroes" drink champagne to celebrate yet another successful mission. And in terms of making a lasting impression fashion-wise, I have to give Hope Marie Carlton's pastel outfit the prize for being the most fabulous, as she looks amazing (dig those unattached sleeves, girl).

video uploaded by asidaris


  1. Given the cast of actresses in this film and their fashion choices, it really makes you wonder what a competent director could have done. Like Jess Franco. Kym Malin's sexy cowgirl casino night club act would be an Act 1 feature with throbbing hypnotic lights and inappropriate zoom ins. Roberta Vasquez dry humping the hood of the Ferrari in those tights to jazz music for about 15 minutes, her hair cascading like a dark waterfall in the harsh sun as she thrashed about. Unfortunately dumbass didn't have his priorities straight.

    Based on your reviews, Sidaris reminds me of a low-budget Michael Bay. Only without the meth-ed out editing, non-stop product placement, and 13 year old racist/sexist/scum-fuck humor.

  2. Mmm, inappropriate zoom ins.

    Quirky fun-fact: Kym Malin plays the topless chick who gets sucked into the chimney during the raucous party in Weird Science.

    Don't forget, Michael Bay movies don't have transvestite assassins and boxy blazers.

  3. Nothing to add to the discussion except to say you provide my favorite movie reviews out there. Great movie choices, entertaining reads, and tons of eye candy. Nice work.

  4. @yum-yum: Oh, the Sidaris films have better fashion sense for sure. That goes without saying.

    I really fucking hate Michael Bay. Not as much as I deeply, truly loath that twitching piece of racist, Orientalist cracker plagiarist filth whose name I don't even like to mention.

  5. Thanks, Gilligan Newton-John.

    @ido: The only Michael Bay movie I've seen from beginning to end is The Island.

    I think I know who you're referring to. :D


    Of course, the comments are all like, "OMG HOW DID YOU LEAVE OFF ______?"

    Ditto what Gilligan said. :)

  7. Woo-hoo! The Taint and Lifeboat sketches made the cut.