Monday, July 13, 2009

Repossessed (Bob Logan, 1990)

I realize that there's no way to officially quantify this, but I'm just go right ahead and say it: 1990 is by far the cheesiest year, pop culture-wise, in the history of human existence. Proving that this cocksure proclamation of mine is entirely factual is the heinous Repossessed, a diseased corpse masquerading as a mainstream comedy. Boasting enough bloated references to Morten Downey Jr., Rob Lowe's home movies, Manual Noriega, Sean Penn punching photographers, and Technotronic to compel one to invent a time machine solely for purpose of traveling back to January 1, 1990 in order to commit suicide, the film, written and directed by Bob Logan, is so egregious in terms of soft penises dangling in a non-laughing state of bemused paranoia, a character is named "Luke" just so a couple of lame Star Wars gags could be properly implemented. However, that being said, any film that features the adorable Linda Blair yelling "lick me" while dressed as an ice cream cone can't be all that bad, can it? The stench of 1990 really permeates this film like no other I've ever seen. I mean, some films are able to mask their affiliation with this peculiar period of time by using well-established themes to tell their story.


This film, on the other hand, cannot hide behind universal truths and the poetic grandeur of a sentence spoken in the English language, uh-uh, it has to rely upon the idiocy of the day. And if that means priests rapping and Leslie Nielsen engaging in the millionth parody of that Robert Palmer video (you know the one), than so be it.


Despite all the sucking going on, Repossessed does have one feather in its cap, and that is: Willie Garson, who ventures outside his acting comfort zone to play a nerdy student who insists on asking Leslie Nielsen's Father Mayii a lot of probing questions. Just kidding.


Actually, the alluring Melissa Moore is the real star of the film.


Credited simply as "Bimbo Student," the shapely actress teases Father Mayii by recklessly molesting her own legs in a shameless attempt to arouse all those in and around her sexy aura.


Aided by the fact that her stems were sheathed in some sort of stocking-like material, the seated enchantress has the priest (who rarely acquires an erection via an adult female) and all the saps in the audience under her command.


Unfortunately, the moment "Bimbo Student" stops provoking her gams with her fingers is the moment this film runs out of gas and becomes the cinematic equivalent of being beaten to death with a Bible that was purchased from a vending machine that sells Bibles.


Luckily, the gorgeous Linda Blair is front and centre during the film's opening and closing. Yeah, that's right, opening and closing. I have no idea why she goes AWOL during the film's middle section, but her presence is sorely missed. This is especially true during the sequence that takes place at the heath club, as it was one of the longest, most unfunny chunks of cinema I have ever had the displeasure of witnessing.


Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, playing Nancy Aglet, a housewife who becomes possessed by a demon after sitting to close to the television, Linda seemed surprisingly comfortable writhing around on a bed while covered in painful lesions and dry sick. Though, I wasn't surprised that she took to being evil so easily; I'd be aligned with Satan and spewing fire-hose-quality vomit, too, if I was married to an overly chipper asshole (Goodyear pitchman, Thom Sharp) who thought her possession was a some kind of Joe Cocker-related ailment.


In case you're wondering, Nancy's son thinks it premenstrual syndrome and her daughter thinks...well, I don't remember what she thinks. I do, however, recall Nielsen's character saying something about both kids being terrible actors. Now that was a funny bit.


The overall level of humour in Re-re-re-Repossessed can be gauged (measured) simply by watching the scene where a stagehand pokes an announcer with a pool cue after being told to "cue the announcer." If that tickles your funny area, you should definitely be able to extract some positive nectar from this film (you know, despite the abundance of stale 1990isms). If not, than I would recommend you do something else with your time. Of course, if you're Linda Blair fan, this should be mandatory viewing, as she manages to look scrumptious even covered in slime. I just hope you have an easier time getting through the extended exercise sequence than I did. Hell, pure, unadulterated Hell.


video uploaded by TheGreatest007
...

12 comments:

  1. I remember watching this with a bunch of buddies years ago. I don't remember much about it. We did seem to get a few laughs out of it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. i've never seen this but i give you a lot of credit for taking one for the team. the minute and 15 second preview you provided was nearly enough to cripple me with cringes.

    and does Nielson speak in a thick accent? i couldn't hear it over the din of Devil With a Blue Dress On.

    yikes.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Keith: Man, you've seen a shitload of films.

    wiec?: Yeah, sorry about the trailer. On a more positive note, it was the least cringe worthy (and the shortest) one of the lot.

    Yes, his accent is quite thick.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Morton Downey Jr. jokes? Wow.

    I am in totally agreement about 1990 and the early 90s in general. When was Rico Suave released? That song encapsulates everything cheesy about that era.

    By the way, I'm still laughing at your "irritable Bauhaus syndrome" line in the Once Bitten review. Awesome. My father is obsessed with Blazing Saddles, so he appreciates Cleavon Little's comedic genius.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Okay, I know I claim to be a purveyor of badness...but even I have to draw the line somewhere....and said line is usually drawn at the feet of the director of MEATBALLS 4.

    I'm pretty sure that in just one sentence fragment* your review is already a hundred times more entertaining than anything in the 89 minutes of this film.

    A few things I did find amusing about REPOSSESSED:

    It has a Wikipedia page.

    There are 8 translations of the film's title listed on that page...my favorite being the Finnish: "Manattu mikä manattu"!

    Your favorite part was covered HERE at the short-lived Tight Skirts Heaven Blog (for some reason I really like the look of this blog's layout).


    *"...is so egregious in terms of soft penises dangling in a non-laughing state of bemused paranoia..."

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think I watched this movie roughly 7-10 times as a young child, on VHS recorded off TV. I thought of it as very naughty, and therefore valuable. I realise now that it is a bad movie, but I also have fond memories of not understanding jokes, as well as not knowing who John Hancock was. Of course, The Exorcist was banned in my country when I was a kid, so this did not help with the funny-ometer. As an adult, and having seen The Exorcist, I now get the "pea soup" joke...not funny at all.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Kamir Amir: 1991. Hey, I didn't know Gerardo was Ecuadorian. Fascinating.

    You can thank the ads for Peter Murphy's upcoming T.O. concert for "irritable Bauhaus syndrome." His chiseled mug must have seeped into my subconscious or something.

    "Hey, where the white women at?" - Cleavon Little

    Your fave, Urgh! A Music War played Harbourfront Centre, last week. I would have gone, but the ungodly 2pm start time scared me away.

    Mr. Canacorn: As far as drawing lines near the feet of Hollywood professionals goes, you're on pretty solid ground. However, the director of Meatballs 4 sounds like the type of person who wears clown shoes on a regular basis. Hence, an imaginary line drawn near his feet would be rendered strangely humourous.

    The Wikipedia plot description for Repossessed is way longer than it needs to be.

    Thanks for providing a link to Tight Skirts Heaven. I kinda felt bad for taking one of their skirt pics without giving them credit. Anyway, the act of choosing one out of the eight Melissa Moore leg shots featured was the most fun I've had all year.

    Gore-Gore Girl: The fact that I understood every single pop culture reference uttered in this movie filled me with a profound sense of shame. In other words, I envy your initial non-understanding.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You don't do 2pm screenings? Man, I'd go see Urgh! if it were screened at 2 in the morning.

    So, what Robert Palmer video? Johnny and Mary? Looking for Clues??
    'Cause I can totally see Leslie Nielsen dancing on a giant xylophone.
    ;)

    ReplyDelete
  9. To be fair, the Urgh! screening was ancient history (two days old) when I finally got around to hearing about it.

    Ah, 2 in the morning. Now that would have been an excellent time to screen this flick.

    Your winky symbol usage tells me you already know. Anyway, I remember Looking for Clues; it was on your 80s song list.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I can quantify 1990 being the cheesiest year ever: the creation of "Beverly Hills 90210"...
    -Billy

    ReplyDelete
  11. OK, so the movie wasn't that great, but Jesse Ventura as the commentator, as well as the scene Leslie Neilson asks the wigi board if Ted Kennedy will ever become President, made it worth it.

    I laughed my a$$ off for the entire rest of the movie after the Ted Kennedy thing. Maybe it's just because I'm a political junkie, but it still struck me as hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I seem to be the only person I know who really enjoys this film. Maybe it's simply my obsessive devotion to Linda Blair that blinds me, or maybe it's because I have a weakness for lame humor and stale outdated pop culture references. ::shrugs::

    ReplyDelete