The Specialist (Howard Avedis, 1975)

Is this some kind of misguided attempt at artistic legitimacy, or the just dullest legal drama ever devised by barely sentient humans? It's hard to say exactly what director Howard Avedis (credited here as Hikmet Avedis and Russell Schmidt) and producer Marlene Schmidt (The Teacher and The Stepmother) were trying to convey with this tepid tale about a shady lady known as The Specialist. But I do know one thing, that they have somehow managed to make paranoid lawyers, blandly furnished courtrooms, overweight judges, and horny bailiffs seem more uninteresting than they already were. A film that is not quite sleazy enough to be redeemed by gratuitous nudity and wanton violence, yet not competent enough in the acting and storytelling department to be considered a normal movie, this amateurish enterprise will no doubt leave fans of debased cinema and so-called "prestige pictures" severely disappointed, as it repeatedly fails to satisfy the needs of each distinct group. The sordidly minded amongst you will notice that there is very little in terms of seediness going on in this film (yeah, there was nudity, but it wasn't shameless enough for my taste), while your typical sane viewer will surely be put off by the sluggish place, and, not to mention, the sheer number of scenes that seem to go nowhere.

The film's plot is basically about one lawyer trying to screw over another lawyer. Recently fired big shot lawyer, Pike Smith (John Anderson), hires a sexy juror (Ahna Capri), through his underworld connections, to seduce his rival, Jerry Bounds (Adam West), during a court case involving a former client. You see, the idea is to get him disbarred (apparently attorneys and jurors aren't supposed to fraternize outside the courtroom), but of course things get complicated and don't go exactly as planned (he gets caught canoodling with the coquettish con-woman). Well, they do go exactly as planned, except the lawyer being entrapped by the shapely fake juror isn't going down without a fight. Along with his attractive, and apparently very forgiving, wife Elizabeth (Marlene Schmidt), the dishonoured lawyer will do just about anything to clear his name.

Wow, that sounds like a pretty exciting movie; you know, for something that's crawling with lawyers. But trust me, it's not. I think the biggest flaw with The Specialist was the specialist. In that, I didn't think she was that special. I bet a lot people who see this film will use the same lame pun I just did, but there's no getting around the fact that Ahna Capri's Londa Wyeth was not worth the hype she receives during the film's early going. I mean, all this talk about how great she was when came to her seductive prowess did nothing but inflate the audiences expectations of her. And when she does finally decide to appear, I was letdown by the fact that she was just some blonde chick with big boobs.

Now, I realize that's all it takes in some circles to classified as "special." However, if I'm expected to believe that the counties best attorney is gonna throw his career away just because some large breasted woman with a well-stocked picnic basket and orange panties flirts with him by the drinking fountain, you got to at least make her personable. And I didn't get that from Ahna. Her seduction of Pike's artist son, Hardin (Harvey Jason - think Gene Wilder's gayer brother), was more plausible in that regard (he would have sex with anything with an active central nervous system). I just don't see a cagey lawyer falling for her hackneyed charm so easily.

Never one to let me down in terms of being fabulous, the gorgeous Marlene Schmidt is totally alluring as Elizabeth Bounds, the fiercely loyal wife of the set up lawyer. The fact that Marlene is a major hottie, even while wearing in a purple turban, was yet another reminder of how contrived this film's premise was. I understand that attractive people get cheated on as well. But come on, man, she's Marlene Schmidt, Miss Universe 1961! Anyway, even though she was playing the dreaded spurned wife character, I thought Marlene did an excellent job of looking tremendous in a serious of chic outfits (yeah, including the purple turban). Which, if you ask me, is a pretty hard thing to do in 1975 (a nightmare year for fashion).

Okay, let me see: dull film, not very seedy, titular character isn't special, gayer version of Gene Wilder, and Marlene Schmidt is sexy. Yeah, I think that pretty much covers everything. The section on Adam West's cool manner of speaking will have to be rescheduled for another day.

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