Cruel Intentions (Roger Kumble, 1999)

When I first saw Cruel Intentions (a.k.a. Eiskalte Engel), the updated version of Les Liaisons Dangereuses (the Choderlos de Laclos novel, not the German electro group who pioneered industrial dance music during the early 1980s), I thought it was merely a WB sitcom masquerading as edgy satire (you know, with its racy language and backstabbing). On top of that, the cast just screams low ratings and mainstream indifference. However, upon further inspection, I was surprised by how much I was able to delight in the scheming antics of the Kathryn and Sebastian, two mentally-adroit step-siblings, especially during the film's early going, when they were at their most ruthless. Sure, it still struck me as tame, and even wholesome at times, but Roger Kumble's snarky dialogue filled in the non-titillating gaps wonderfully. Taking place in Manhattan's Upper West Side, the film is basically about this bet between the aforementioned siblings, a swishy pair of bored teenagers who seem to have no parental guidance whatsoever. One wants to get back at a doltish classmate (a naive young half-wit), the other just wants to stick his dick in a new hole. I think that sums it up. Oh, wait, get this, Sebastian, the adventuresome shaft wielder, ends up falling in love with his intended victim (a virginity enthusiast and ill-defined Jesus supporter). And, as you would expect, this upsets Kathryn, who openly wants to feel the exquisite hardness of his brother's well-seasoned cock in her ass. You see, him penetrating her in any opening he desires is her reward for winning the bet. Or is it his reward? I can't remember. Anyway, much teen-based treachery and adolescent blackmail ensues.

Bringing conniving while lounging to a whole new level of hose-beastery, Sarah Michelle Gellar just plain rocks in Cruel Intentions. It's true, she has the juiciest part to begin with, but Sarah Michelle seems to revel in playing a catty brat. I can't think of another actress I'd rather see hurling emasculating put downs while lollygagging than SMG.

Horny and extremely unpleasant, I loved the calculated and devious looks she would throw the outmatched Ryan Phillippe. And her revilement towards Selma Blair's Cecile, well, that was an unsavoury treat to bask in. I mean, the way she mumbled insults under her breath was exceptional, especially when Selma was engaging in her infamous "secret society" dance.

Now the tongue massage tutorial that takes place in Central Park between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair is one of coolest mouth kissing scenes I have ever seen, and is justifiably extolled by reprobates and sane people the world over. However, what most fail to realize is what a fantastic sexy leg feast this film is when looked at from that particular angle. Yeah, yeah, the underrated Tara Reid is seen sitting at a desk, not a tantalizing gam in sight. But as for everyone else, it's a veritable stem-off.

You know you're in for something special when even Swoosie Kurtz and Christine Baranski are given the opportunity to shine, leg-wise. Hell, the film opens with Ryan Phillippe complementing Swoosie on her "killer legs." Selma is shameless when comes to showing some leg (there's nothing sexier than a woman who is keenly aware that she has great legs), while Sarah Michelle is a little more subtle. She waits until the third act to unveil her first-rate legs, but when she does, it's a beautiful thing. Reese Witherspoon, on the other hand, was very stingy when came to exposing some stemage. And... nope, I think that covers everything.

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