Saturday, December 13, 2008

Cruel Intentions (Roger Kumble, 1999)

When I first saw Cruel Intentions (a.k.a. Eiskalte Engel), the updated version of Les Liaisons Dangereuses (the Choderlos de Laclos novel, not the German electro group who pioneered industrial dance music during the early 1980s), I thought it was merely a WB sitcom masquerading as edgy satire (you know, with its racy language and backstabbing). On top of that, the cast just screams low ratings and mainstream indifference. However, upon further inspection, I was surprised by how much I was able to delight in the scheming antics of the Kathryn and Sebastian, two mentally-adroit step-siblings, especially during the film's early going, when they were at their most ruthless. Sure, it still struck me as tame, and even wholesome at times, but Roger Kumble's snarky dialogue filled in the non-titillating gaps wonderfully. Taking place in Manhattan's Upper West Side, the film is basically about this bet between the aforementioned siblings, a swishy pair of bored teenagers who seem to have no parental guidance whatsoever. One wants to get back at a doltish classmate (a naive young half-wit), the other just wants to stick his dick in a new hole. I think that sums it up. Oh, wait, get this, Sebastian, the adventuresome shaft wielder, ends up falling in love with his intended victim (a virginity enthusiast and ill-defined Jesus supporter). And, as you would expect, this upsets Kathryn, who openly wants to feel the exquisite hardness of his brother's well-seasoned cock in her ass. You see, him penetrating her in any opening he desires is her reward for winning the bet. Or is it his reward? I can't remember. Anyway, much teen-based treachery and adolescent blackmail ensues.

Bringing conniving while lounging to a whole new level of hose-beastery, Sarah Michelle Gellar just plain rocks in Cruel Intentions. It's true, she has the juiciest part to begin with, but Sarah Michelle seems to revel in playing a catty brat. I can't think of another actress I'd rather see hurling emasculating put downs while lollygagging than SMG.

Horny and extremely unpleasant, I loved the calculated and devious looks she would throw the outmatched Ryan Phillippe. And her revilement towards Selma Blair's Cecile, well, that was an unsavoury treat to bask in. I mean, the way she mumbled insults under her breath was exceptional, especially when Selma was engaging in her infamous "secret society" dance.

Now the tongue massage tutorial that takes place in Central Park between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair is one of coolest mouth kissing scenes I have ever seen, and is justifiably extolled by reprobates and sane people the world over. However, what most fail to realize is what a fantastic sexy leg feast this film is when looked at from that particular angle. Yeah, yeah, the underrated Tara Reid is seen sitting at a desk, not a tantalizing gam in sight. But as for everyone else, it's a veritable stem-off.

You know you're in for something special when even Swoosie Kurtz and Christine Baranski are given the opportunity to shine, leg-wise. Hell, the film opens with Ryan Phillippe complementing Swoosie on her "killer legs." Selma is shameless when comes to showing some leg (there's nothing sexier than a woman who is keenly aware that she has great legs), while Sarah Michelle is a little more subtle. She waits until the third act to unveil her first-rate legs, but when she does, it's a beautiful thing. Reese Witherspoon, on the other hand, was very stingy when came to exposing some stemage. And... nope, I think that covers everything.



  1. My sister digs this movie. Like you, I thought it was some crappy teen sex drama, like Gossip Girl? (You don't watch that, do you? EW is obsessed with GG.)

    "Sexy leg feast." Hee hee. Sounds like a holiday dinner.

    And to respond to an earlier comment, Harper and Blogojevich should get together and discuss hair care (replacement?) products.

    Oh, some dishonest person stole my iPod. As I wrote somewhere else, I hope that person likes Microdisney.

  2. I have wanted to see this for a while, being a fan of 18th century French decadence. I never got that little kick-in-the-butt though. Consider it kicked! Going to Amazon now :-)

  3. Karim Amir: I saw a teenage girl down in the subway the other day who was dressed exactly like one of the characters from Gossip Girl (complete with chic headband and tartan blazer).

    Oh, and, no, I don't watch GG.

    Yeah, a holiday dinner for cannibals. ;)

    I noticed that Blogojevich's hair does move slightly when it comes in contact with inclement weather. Maybe Harper give Blogo some tips. You know, like on how to curb the scourge that is follicle spascisity.

    Man, that sucks. Those things seem to be the item of choice for thieves nowadays. In fact, someone was stabbed recently over an iPod near my current place of residence.

    Microdisney? How come I've never heard of them? You and your weird 80s music. ;)

    Darius: It kinda puts a late 20th century twist on 18th century French decadence. But all the same, I hope you are able to extract some enjoyment out of it.

  4. Yummers, my latest blog entry will help you become more acquainted with Microdisney. :) Unfortunately, YouTube is not a treasure trove when it comes to my favorite band from Cork. :(

    There was a funny skit on SNL--Amy Poehler's last Weekend Update--that referred to Blogo's 'do as "proceding hairline."

    Stabbed? Ugh. What is wrong with people these days?

  5. Finally watched it. Pretty good, considering we know the story. The main "libertines" were pretty spot-on. Reese got a touch annoying, but that was the point, eh?

    As far as the movie being a leg-fest goes, I have a new found pulse-quickening for Selma Blair!