One Night Only (Timothy Bond, 1986)

Is it possible to prostitute yourself for money, yet still maintain the structural integrity of your feminist ideals? Well, according to One Night Only, the Robert Lantos-Stephen J. Roth (that's right, the same two guys who brought us the magnificent Perfect Timing) co-production, you most certainly can. A rare sexploitation farce, in that, it's filled with strong female characters who think for themselves, this Timothy Bond-directed undertaking may seem dumb and pointless on the surface, but bubbling underneath all that stupidity lies a veil of unexpected intelligence. Drenched in the kind of playful nudity you'd expect in a film like this (the enchanting Chantale Perron provides a large chunk of this nudity during a boisterous strip routine), and, of course, boasting many scenes of outlandish 1980s-style revelry, One Night Only is probably the best sex comedy I've ever seen with the words, 'One,' 'Night' and 'Only' in its title. I mean, not only does it feature multiple instances where attractive women are seen cavorting about in a series of semi-degrading situations, but it also features... Actually, that's pretty much it. And, to be quite honest with you, I'd be cool with that, if it were in fact true. In other words, it's got more going for it than you might think. Possessing a positive, morally centered message, the film, while a little unfair to those born with tiny penises, proves that just because it's the middle of winter and you're stuck in a dead end job, doesn't mean you can't seize an opportunity when it presents itself, especially when a ghastly pimp drops one squarely in your lap.

The film's elaborate and highly intricate plot follows a day-in-the-life of Anne McGraw, a wide-eyed waitress/university student (played by the delectable Lenore Zann). One afternoon, while collecting her tips, Anne overhears a hockey coach making plans for a raunchy post-game soiree with a switchblade-carrying pimp in a booth near her station. The plan is to let his players unwind with some floozy-based frivolity at an undisclosed location. Being the opportunist that she is (the coach is willing to pay big time to get his team "serviced"), Anne, right, then, and there, decides to commandeer the hockey party. And thanks to her best friend Suzanne (Hélène Udy), and a couple of well-placed phone calls, the sex-filled, booze-soaked hockey player shindig is now under her plucky control.

Now that they've got themselves a swanky location–Anne's beguiling, genteel sister, Elizabeth (the gorgeous Judy Foster, a Roxy Music album cover model, if I ever saw one), came through at the last minute, all they need to do now is buy some bawdy outfits (a quick trip to the lingerie store should do the trick), scrounge up some prostitutes (downtown Montréal is apparently crawling with them), brush up on their hooker lingo, Louella (Taborah Johnson), gives the non-prostitutes a speedy refresher course, and they should be good to go. Only problem is, the original pimp, a real scumbag named Wenko (Hrant Alianak), isn't gonna be too pleased when he finds out that his cocaine-enhanced sex romp has been hijacked by a bunch of upstart sorority sisters.

You shouldn't underestimate the power of Celine (Kathy Bain) and her super-sexy outfit, which was clearly inspired by the uniform of Les Canadiens de Montréal (I have no doubt that her red, white, and blue thigh-high socks will drive all the sexually attune sports fans in the audience wild). A friend of Anne and Suzanne, in fact, she's the only friend who bothered show up to help the girls in their time of need, Celine's alluring, thong-affixed presence during the film's party scenes was felt at every level.

The hockey team's manager, Mac (Jeff Braunstein) has one stipulation for the party: He must get his "special treatment" or else he won't pay. A bizarre fantasy he needs performed on him at the stroke of midnight, the so-called "scary cave" involves a miner's hat, an adult diaper, a motherly figure, fifteen or so leggy women standing with their legs apart in a dark hallway, and several pairs sequin-covered panties. (Several pairs of sequin-covered panties, you say? Uh, obviously they'll be needing at least fifteen pairs. Idiot!). Anyway, the scary cave sequence was truly inspired in its awkward depravity. I was literally aghast, okay, more like, in awe, as Mac slowly made his through the fleshy leg tunnel.

Meanwhile, back at the sorority house, a prissy (she finds the lewd antics of Anne and Suzanne to be totally beneath her) psychology student named Jane (Wendy Lands), has to, thanks to antics of the aforementioned ladies, contend with Jamie, a perverted hockey player who's in love with Anne (they're cousins, by the way); Jamie's born again police officer father (Ken James) from across the border in Plattsburgh; and Wenko the pimp.

After catching James spying on her while she read Mourning Becomes Electra in the bathtub, Jane sends the horny forward over to Anne's party (which is where he'd rather be, anyway). But not before giving him another peek at one of her delicious nipples (her left breast slips out of her robe while she was chasing Jamie around the house). However, her problems have just begun. A sleazy pimp, who threatens to kill Jane with his trusty switchblade, wants to know what happened to his party, and the cop, who threatens to kill Jane with a trusty pistol (which he keeps it in his Holy Bible), wants to know where his son is.

The lovely Lenore Zann (Visiting Hours) is a real charmer as Anne, the waitress/law student turned pimp. Sporting the dreamiest eyes (I'd could stare into them for hours), wearing the blackest stockings I have ever see, and blessed with a jiggle-friendly pair of fleshy protrusions (they were just screaming to escape from the tight grip of their gold lamé prison), Lenore employs her perky naivete like it were a blunt object. In fact, her performance is so endearing, that I almost threw a stale cookie across the room at one point to protest the sheer power of her undiluted awesomeness.

A spirited Hélène Udy (Pinball Summer) brings a lot of the comic relief to the proceedings as Suzanne, Anne's fun-loving gal pal. Regularly deflated by the fact that most of the hockey players at the party have small dicks, Miss Udy's character longs for a man who can properly satisfy her carnal hunger. The exasperated expression she wears on her face after each dinky wiener is revealed was mildly hilarious. Her persistence when it comes to finding a cock worthy enough to breach the gates of her pristine vagina finally pays off when she meets Johnny-O (Martin Neufeld), a well-hung hockey player who takes the game a little too seriously.

Oh, and I like how fornicating with your cousin (Geoffrey MacKay) never becomes an issue in this film. For example, no one ever chimes in to say, "Ewww!" or ask, "Why are you fucking your cousin?" It kinda makes ya proud to be Canadian.

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