Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go to College (John Carl Buechler, 1991)

It's official: I've lost my mind. I mean, Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go to College?!? What the fuck?!? An overzealous glue-fiend wouldn't even watch this steaming pile of crap. But get this, not only did I record the movie put the movie in the DVD player, I sat down and watched it from beginning to end utilizing my own freewill. Okay, it's not that bad. You see, what I'm trying to do here is mask the embarrassment I feel for watching it by bathing myself in a quasi-elitist veneer of mock outrage. Which isn't really necessary, because it's actually quite funny...in an "alcoholic-puppets-who-break-wind a lot" kinda way. And it has a few creative kills here and there (toilet plunger to the face!). Taking the intricate plot of Private School (i.e. Animal House) and mixing it with the slime-based horror of Gremlins, Ghoulies III is about Ghoulies who go to...college? Wait a second, that can't be right? Or can it? Let me check my brain. Yep, a trio of lubricated creatures called "ghoulies" find themselves on a college campus during something called "Prank Week," a week long orgy of imbecilic buffoonery and excessive alcohol consumption. Complicating matters are the charming boys of B.Z.T and the Hitler Youth-ish thugs of Gamma House. It complicates matters because the two groups at war with one another (each trying to out-prank the other). So, the wanton destruction of the Ghoulies gets blamed on each fraternity, causing much anger and frustration amongst the two warring frats. And, as you would expect, much hilarity-based mayhem ensues.
 

 
While the above plot description sounds like a recipe for sheer magnificence, the film is really a heart-string-caressing parable about the stresses of on-campus dating. Prank-master, Skip Carter (a feather-haired Evan MacKenzie) and chunky bracelet impresario, Erin Riddle (Eva La Rue - a deft amalgam of Jennifer Beals and Lisa Lisa minus her notorious Cult Jam) are having some relationship issues.

 

 
She wants him to give the childish clowning a rest and focus more on slamming his uncut jimmy inside her juicy district. While he wants her to stop dating his rival, Jeremy, a crypto-fascist played by the excitingly named John Johnston. Seeing these two lovers trying to work out their differences was a wild-eyed delight, especially when you consider the fact that they're taking place in the third Ghoulies film.
 

 
The lovely Eva La Rue is too much of a damsel in distress for me to extol her virtues as a horror movie heroine. However, she does possess a wardrobe that is to die for; which includes an irresistible blend of Reagan-era playfulness and 90210-imbued practically. The amount of off-the-shoulder tops she wore in this film was mind-blowing; and the way Eva alternated between which shoulder was exposed and which one was not, did not go unnoticed.

 

 
Oh, and you should have seen me when she showed up with both shoulders uncovered. I'm telling ya, I nearly lost it (almost had to stop the tape DVD at one point).
 

 
Speaking of operating a VCR DVD player, the pantie raid sequence is the reason the fast-forward button was invented, as the raid features a dizzying array, a virtual melange, if you will, of thongs and briefs of every colour imaginable.

 

 
Unfortunately, the focus goes off the panties seconds into the raid when a pillow fight breaks out.
 

 
Luckily, the boredom-factor is alleviated by the gorgeous Hope Marie Carlton (Playboy Playmate of the Month - July 1985) and her fantastic striptease. The alluring actress/model shines bright as the vixenish Veronica (Ronnie to her friends), a sorority sister whose thirst for cock is as legendary as her affinity black hold-up stockings. Although to be honest, I didn't find her to be that attractive, but I don't know, call me heterosexual, but I was quite taken with her overall whore-like demeanor.
 

 
Are you trying to seduce me, Hope Marie Carlton from Ghoulies Go to College?
 

 
Rounding out the cast is Jason Scott Lee (his love for his stereo packed a surprisingly emotional punch); Matthew Lillard (who is seen but not heard - my favourite kind of Matthew Lillard performance); Marcia Wallace (the voice of Edna Krabappel); Billy Morrisette (Pump Up the Volume); Kevin McCarthy (who just turned 94 and has one movie in pre-production); and Patrick Labyorteaux (Ram from Heathers).

 

 
The least interesting aspect of Ghoulies Go to College were the Ghoulies themselves, as their disgusting antics and hackneyed puns induced nothing but yawns.

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