Day of the Warrior (Andy Sidaris, 1996)

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. Except, "they" aren't The Mob (or the D-Mob, for you all acid heads out there) or The Church of Satan (or The Church of Extacy, for all you acid heads out there who didn't hear me the first time). Nope, in an act of pure desperation, I'm back suckling at the on the wonky nipple attached to the fake, disproportionately large tit that is your average Andy Sidaris film; and believe me, it's average, all right. How this came about, I'm not exactly sure. But I know one thing–and I can't believe I'm about to say this–I sure do miss Dona Speir (Click: The Calendar Girl Killer) and Roberta Vasquez (Picasso Trigger). The first film directed by Andy Sidaris to not star Dona Speir... Wait, let me rephrase that. The first film directed by Andy Sidaris since Hard Ticket to Hawaii to not star Dona Speir, Day of the Warrior features a brand new bevy of untalented actresses with suspect boobies for us to ogle and gawk at. Oh, sure, actual talented people like, Julie Strain (Fit to Kill), Rodrigo Obregón (Savage Beach), Gerald Okamura (Samurai Cop) and Richard Cansino (Guns) are back to make go of it. But everyone else is seriously lacking when it comes displaying the basic properties that make up charisma. Actually, that's not entirely true, there are some bright spots sprinkled here and there. And just because I like you, I'll try to isolate the few of the film's bright spots.

For the most part, however, the so-called "babes" who have been saddled with the task of providing this film with the prerequisite eye candy fail to achieve their primary goal.

And what, pray tell, you might be thinking, is that goal? It's simple, really, their goal is to give men erections. Anyone who tries to convince you otherwise is kidding themselves. Sadly, there won't be many erections unfurled during this film. Unless, of course, you're into skinny women with fake tits. If that's the case, you'll be unfurling untoward unicorn horns in your frontal trouser area until the cows come home.

Speaking of cows, check out the cow-print briefcase Cobra (Julie K. Smith) is carrying through chichi Beverly Hills, it's so tacky/awesome (and a nice subtle shout out  to Malibu Express - the protagonist in that film also carried a cow-print briefcase). What isn't tacky in the slightest, however, are the awesome black stockings currently holding her not-so shapely legs hostage. I didn't think it was possible, but the black stockings attached to Julie K. Smith's gams are having zero effect on the outward appearance of said gams. Meaning, her gams are not receiving a dramatic upturn in their sex appeal.

Don't look so stunned, I'm as shocked as you are. Like the true professional that he is, Andy Sidaris tries his best to film her black stocking-sheathed legs from every possible angle. But even that can't change the fact that Julie K. Smith looks like she's walking on a pair of shapeless stilts, all the while, trying to smuggle two comically large balloons underneath her pink jacket.

While I could sit here and trash Julie K. Smith's lack of legginess, I would really like to... You know what? Let's stick with this subject. Not to be cruel, but since Julie K. Smith stripping in a Beverly Hills strip club is the first thing we see in this film, we might as well start there.

Question: Is this supposed to be erotic? I mean, the sight of Julie K. Smith hurling her body across the strip club stage is doing nothing for me. Where's Sally Farb when you need her. (Sally who?) You know, Sally Farb, from The Curse of Her Flesh. Now there's a woman who knows a thing or about the art of burlesque. What Julie K. Smith is doing is basically a variation of that angry twitchy gyration thing Elizabeth Berkley does in Showgirls. In other words, it's not hot.

Welcome to the headquarters of L.E.T.H.A.L. (Legion to Ensure Total Harmony and Law). Sitting at her computer, Tiger (Shae Marks) is surprised to find out that the L.E.T.H.A.L. computer system has been violated by a criminal mastermind named "Warrior" (Marcus Bagwell). Realizing that the identities of all the L.E.T.H.A.L. agents currently in the field could be compromised, Tiger brings the news to Commander Willow Black (Julie Strain), who is exercising in her office in a skimpy leopard-print leotard.

Unable to warn the agents without blowing their cover, Willow sends Tiger into the field to get the word out. Assigned to work with a pilot named Tyler (Christian Letelier), Tiger is eager to go on an assignment, as it's been two years since... Holy crap! How does she walk around with those things? (What things?) What things?!? Those huge things sticking out of her chest. (Oh, you mean her tits.) No, no, no, those aren't tits. Those things are beyond tits.

Anyway, after recovering from the sight of Tiger's ginormous boobies (they're, like, totally out of proportion with the rest of her body), I was able to properly gauge the quality of Christian Letelier's acting. And, after thoroughly checking my instruments, I can safely say that he is in fact terrible.

In charge of bringing Doc Austin (Kevin Light)–who is working for a couple of the Warrior's underlings, Manuel (Rodrigo Obregón) and Kym (Raye Hollitt)–"in from the cold" (it's spy lingo), Tiger and Tyler head down to Southern Texas.

It would seem that the Warrior has some competition in the being buff in public department. No, not Kevin Light, silly. I'm talking about Raye Hollitt, who's built like a linebacker. Which is ironic since Kevin Light reminded me a little of linebacker Brian Bosworth circa his days with the Seattle Seahawks; and I do mean "days," as his NFL career lasted barely two seasons. Nonetheless, add Raye Hollitt's name to the vast list of women in this movie that I find unappealing.

In order to "take care" of L.E.T.H.A.L. agents Shark (Darren Wise) and Scorpion (Tammy Parks), the Warrior sends two stockbrokers/hitmen–who are currently posing as surfers in Malibu–to Las Vegas. Fans of Andy Sidaris, and the people who watch his films simply because there's nothing else on, will recognize one of the stockbroker-hitmen, as he is played by Sidaris regular Richard Cansino. Unfortunately, he's not paired with his long time partner Chu Chu Malave; who's been replaced by Cassidy Phillips. Sure, they're still bumbling and incompetent as ever, but it's just not the same.

The good news is, the stockbroker/hitmen go on a date with two sexy stock analysts before heading to Las Vegas. Granted, we don't actually see them go on a date, but we do get to see the leggy as all get out Christiva Turner and the silky smooth contours belonging to Carolyn Liu lounging by the pool.

And thus, breaking the film's streak of there of only being unattractive women onscreen up until this point.

Wait, what am I saying? Julie Strain has been onscreen several times already, and she's exceedingly attractive. And not someone you want to make angry, as she will straight up knock your dick in the dirt.

I'm sorry, but Julie K. Smith and Shae Marks aren't doing it for me. Yet, judging by the way Andy Sidaris' camera film's them, you'd think they were the most beautiful women on the face of the earth. His mind has obviously been conditioned to equate attractiveness with big tits. Which is fine, if that's your thing. But somewhere down the road he forget to equate a little thing called "personality." Something that Julie K. Smith and Shae Marks clearly don't have.

After watching her get dressed, we follow Julie K. Smith's Cobra, complete with her own theme music ("She's a cobra!"), as she heads to a shop on Rodeo Dr. to pick up some stolen diamonds from a guy who looks like the stuntman they would have hired if Skeet Ulrich had landed the lead role in The Ninth Gate. Again, not to sound cruel, but her clothes make her look like a 75 year-old woman. Not that there's anything wrong with being 75, it's just that Julie K. Smith clearly isn't 75.

While confidence is a quality I usually admire in a person, the confidence the characters exude in these films is especially off-putting. Just once I'd see a character in an Andy Sidaris/Arlene Sidaris/Christian Drew Sidaris production experience a moment of self-doubt. You could say the Sidaris' are mocking, in their own unique way, the tenets of American exceptional-ism. But even I'll admit, that's a bit of a stretch.

Coming close to experiencing a moment of self-doubt is Gerald Okamura's Fu, who headlines the Cloud 9 Lounge in Las Vegas under the name "Elvis Fu." Yet, despite the lackluster attendance of his show, Fu still seems to think he's doing great. Nonetheless, the teaming up of Julie Strain and Gerald Okamura is the best thing this film has to offer in terms of entertainment value.

As each L.E.T.H.A.L. agent gets their cover blown, the L.E.T.H.A.L. ladies must work extra hard to prevent their colleagues from being assassinated by the Warrior, who, despite having a cool look, is a pretty lame villain (he spends the bulk of the film inside a wrestling ring, while Rodrigo Obregón and the musclebound Raye Hollitt end up doing the lion's share of the legwork, villainy-wise).

If you're interested in micro mini-dresses, fake tits, old cellphones, piss poor shoot-outs (the one involving a bulldozer was sort of well-done, though), zebra-print stockings worn underneath PVC trousers...

Hold up, what the hell was that? I mean, we see Julie K. Smith in her room putting on zebra-print stockings, but seconds later she can be seen leaving in a pair of PVC trousers. Are we expected to believe that Julie is wearing zebra-print stockings underneath her PVC trousers? Um, I don't think so.

Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah... If you're interested in the stuff I just mentioned, and, not to mention, red leather skirts with zippers located in the front, films that feature plenty of third act acts of treachery, female finger pointing at board meetings, Ted Prior from Deadly Prey, and instances where muscular chicks shoot owls with shotguns, I don't know what to say. But if you're like me, and have seen way too many Andy Sidaris films than you'd care to admit, you might as well watch this one. Seriously, one more ain't going to kill you.

Hard Hunted (Andy Sidaris, 1992)

If I saw Becky Mullen walking down the street, I would approach her--in, of course, the most sheepish manner possible--and tell her that she single-handedly restored my faith in Andy Sidaris, the writer-director of such classics as Picasso Trigger, Savage Beach and Guns. And let's say I did have the opportunity to speak with her, I think our encounter would have gone a little something like this: (Yum-Yum): Hey, Becky! (Becky): ??? (Yum-Yum): Becky! (Becky): ??? (Yum-Yum): Becky! (Becky): Get away from me, creep. (Yum-Yum): I will in a second, I just wanted to tell you that your performance in Hard Hunted was amazing. No, scratch that, it was...spectacular. Yes, it was spectacular! (Becky): Hard what? (Yum-Yum): You remember, Hard Hunted. You play Becky, the plucky intern/hot tub enthusiast at KSXY. (Becky): Oh, yeah. Don't I just stand around in a red bikini pouring coffee for most of that movie? (Yum-Yum): It's true, you do stand around a lot, and you do seem to pour a lot of coffee. But the way did both was so compelling, that I stripped down to my bra and panties and started to rock back and forth in the foetel position every time you appeared onscreen. (Becky): Is that a good thing? (Yum-Yum): I don't know, you tell me. (Becky): I'd rather not. (Yum-Yum): Yeah, it's probably better if you didn't. Either way, you ruled in this movie. (Becky): Thanks. (Yum-Yum): So, you wanna go get some beef jerky, maybe rent a Pauly Shore movie? I hear Son-in-Law is a real hoot. (Becky): Nah, I gotta go lance a boil. Maybe some other time. (Yum-Yum): Bye, Becky from Hard Hunted. You not only restored my faith in Andy Sidaris, but my faith in humanity. (Becky): Um, okay. Bye.

Why is Becky Mullen lancing boils, you ask? Well, in my world, Becky gave up acting/bikini modeling in the mid-90s to become a dermatologist who specializes in lancing boils. Anyway, after the debacle that was Do or Die, me and Andy Sidaris weren't exactly on speaking terms. After taking a bit of self-imposed Andy Sidaris sabbatical, I began to eyeball The Andy Sidaris Collection once again. Determined not to have a  repeat of what happened the last time I sat down to watch an Andy Sidaris film, I approached the next film on the docket with just right amount of caution.

My trepidation melted away almost immediately, as Andy Sidaris gives us two sexy babes in black stockings right out of the gate. However, the film is technically a continuation of what occurred in Do or Die. Meaning, secret agents Donna Hamilton (Dona Speir) and Nicole Justin (Roberta Vasquez) are still on the trail of a super-villain named Kane. The only difference being Kane is now played by Geoffrey Moore and the film takes place almost exclusively in Hawaii and Lake Havasu City. If you remember correctly, most of Do or Die was shot in the swamps of Louisiana. Don't get me wrong, I love the swamp, it's just not that conducive to bikini-clad action sequences.

On a yacht located somewhere off the coast of Hawaii, Silk (Carolyn Liu) and Mika (Mika Quintard) are busy putting on a lesbian lingerie show for the crotch-based benefit of their boss Kane, a man whose thirst for power and riches is almost as great as his thirst for hot chicks in black stockings. Excited to finally get his hands on a jade Buddha figurine, one that contains the trigger to a nuclear bomb, Kane is on well his way to getting the power and riches he desires so thirstily. (I don't know, he seems pretty powerful and rich already.) Yeah, but they always end up wanting more.

The only problem with Kane's plan is that Silk and Mika are both in cahoots with the federal government. That's right, they're spies. While Silk is deep undercover, Mika is only mildly so. Which means, it's up to Mika to steal the jade Buddha from Kane. With the help of a windsurfer named Cole (Buzzy Kerbox), Mika manages to get jade Buddha away from Kane.

Meanwhile, over in Molokai, Edy Stark (Cynthia Brimhall) is back doing what she does best: singing cheesy pop songs for braindead tourists.

Arriving at Edy's with a leggy authority, Ava (Ava Cadell) gets out of her yellow jeep, plants her left leg on the pavement with a ton of gusto, and proceeds to make her way to KSXY studios, a radio station located near of back of Edy's. I don't know 'bout you, but it was weird seeing someone so large-breasted act so leggy. At any rate, removing her leopard print sarong, to reveal a leopard print bikini, Ava, despite being born in Hungary, grabs the mic and starts uttering English words with a breathtaking ease. Am I crazy, or is Ava Cadell's command of the English language far greater than everyone else who appears in this film?

I hope you don't mind, but I just did a little research on Ava Cadell, and it says that she attended school in England and is the author of at least seven books. Hot damn! I knew there was something more to Ava Cadell than just her giant tits. You can tell just by listening to the way she talks that she's got a lot going on when it comes to thinking thoughts and junk.

On the opposite end of the thinking spectrum, there's Becky Mullen. Wait, that didn't come out right. She might think thoughts, but she doesn't exactly get a chance to think all that much in Hard Hunted. Nevertheless, Becky Mullen plays Becky, the, according to Shane Abilene (Michael J. Shane), "outrageously gorgeous," agent in training who spends most of the movie getting Ava coffee in a red bikini.

Don't forget, Becky shoots three beer cans off a fence using Shane's .44 magnum, gets a fax, and hoses down a radio antenna. Oh, yeah, she totally does those things.

I might get around to explaining why Becky needed to hose down the KSXY radio antenna or I might not. Let's see how the next few paragraphs go first, shall we?

If you're wondering where Mika's headed with the jade Buddha, she's been instructed by Ava and Edy to meet up with Donna Hamilton and Nicole Justin, whose buttcracks are currently being strangled by something called a "thong" in the wilds of Arizona. I know, skimpy swimwear and Arizona aren't exactly a natural fit--and judging by the way they're going to town on their respective buttcracks, neither are the thongs--but just go with it.

Do you think Kane is going to sit idly by and let some double-crossing bimbo steal his jade Buddha? Think again. Kane sicks Al Leong's Raven and his super-cool gyro on her ass.

You know how I was surprised by the sharpness of Ava Cadell's brain? Well, I wasn't surprised at all by Al Leong and his ability to rule. And believe me, Al Leong rules so hard in this movie, it's not even funny.

Okay, I'm think ready to explain why Becky was asked to hose down the KSXY radio antenna. Apparently water helps strengthen the antenna's signal. That seems plausible. And the reason it needed strengthening was because Ava was trying to relay a message to Donna, who was being held captive by Pico (Rodrigo Obregón), the eye-patch-sporting leader of a gang of smugglers. Only problem being, Donna has amnesia. (Oh, no. Does that mean Dona Speir is going to try to act?) I'm afraid so. And get this, Roberta Vasquez tries to act as well. (Oh, the humanity.)

Luckily, Chu Chu Malave and Richard Cansino show up just in time to negate Dona and Roberta's feeble attempt to stretch their acting muscles (they should stick to doing what they do best, and that is, nothing). Playing, what else, bumbling assassins, Chu Chu (Wiley) and Richard (Coyote) are hired by Kane to kill Edy and Lucas (Tony Peck, who has replaced William Bumiller as the head honcho). Using their ACME Hovercraft A33Z, Chu Chu and Richard, while not dressed in drag like they were in Guns, bring some much needed intentional comic relief to the proceedings, as their hit on Edy and Lucas doesn't exactly go as planned.

(What do you mean, "doesn't exactly go as planned"?) Well, let's just say, Lucas is a master fisherman and Edy has a nasty surprise lurking underneath her sarong.

In a rare misstep, Andy Sidaris' decision to include a love scene right smack-dab in the middle of the film's explosive finale was ill-conceived, as it ruined the flow of the movie. Actually, I think he might have included two love scenes during the explosive finale. Either way, they took me out of picture. Nevertheless, Hard Hunted is a definite improvement over the tepid Do or Die, as it contains all the ingredients I look for in an Andy Sidaris film. Now, if you'll excuse, I gotta go see Becky Mullen about getting a boil lanced.