Click: The Calendar Girl Killer (1990)

You've heard the expression: Don't judge a book by its cover, right? Well, in the case of Click: The Calendar Girl Killer, it's more like: Don't judge a movie by its screencaps. If you were, you would no doubt conclude that Click was the greatest film ever made. Let me tell you right off the bat, it's definitely not the greatest film ever made. In fact, it's barely a film. Oh, sure, it's got images that move and human actors can be heard reciting scripted dialogue every now and then. But make no mistake, it repeatedly teeters on the brink of non-existence. I know, you're thinking to yourself: How can a movie that has six different writers and two directors not exist? It's quite simple, really. You can't have so many disparate ideas floating around at one time and somehow expect the results to be coherent. I mean, six writers?!? It's a nonstarter. In a shocking twist, however, this film is the place to go to see what is hands down the best performance of Dona Speir's career. Yep, the same actress who stunk up the joint in so many Andy Sidaris films gives a rich and nuanced performance as a fashion model named Nancy Johnson. And get this, she looks better than ever. If you remember correctly, I thought Dona looked tired and slightly mannish in the Andy Sidaris films. Not here, though. In this film, directed by actor Ross Hagen and stuntman John Stewart, she looks fresh, feminine and fabulous.

I'll admit, though, I was, to not put it mildly, horrified when I found out Dona Speir was in this film. Appearing in the opening credits sequence, one that features bikini-clad models wielding various weapons for a photo shoot, Dona can be seen aiming a bow and arrow in a yellow bikini. When I saw her I was like: Noooo! Anyone but her. But, as the film progressed, I slowly began to realize that it was her character in the Andy Sidaris films that I disliked so much, not Dona Speir.

The Dona Speir who appears in this film, even though she's only in a handful of scenes, is quite different than the humour-challenged Special Agent Donna Hamilton from, let's say, Savage Beach. No, this Dona Speir sits like a lady, gets pushed into hot tubs, sports more than one facial expression, is spurned by her boyfriend (played by Andy Sidaris regular Michael J. Shane), drinks booze straight from the bottle and participates in two fashion photo shoots. In other words, things Donna Hamilton would never do.

It's true, I could sit here and gush about the new and improved Dona Speir all day long. But that doesn't change the fact that this movie still sucks some serious ass.

Did you know that you will have to wait an entire hour for someone to get killed? Yeah, bet you didn't know that. And this has nothing to do with some misguided bloodlust on my part. The fact that no one is killed for so long actually dragged the story to a complete halt. What I mean is, with no real threat, there's no real tension, and with no real tension, you haven't got yourself much of a thriller.

What did you expect? It was obvious right from the get-go that Ross Hagen and John Stewart have no idea how to make a horror movie.

When the so-called "calendar girl killer" does finally show up, I was so disinterested, that I actually nearly dozed off at one point. Which is rare for me, as I hardly ever fall asleep while watching movies. In fact, I don't think I have ever fallen asleep during a movie. So, kudos, Click: The Calendar Girl Killer, you caused me to nearly break my no sleeping during movies streak.

In fairness, after the bikini chicks wielding guns and knives photo shoot is over, we do get a quick origin story pertaining to why the little kid sitting on the floor in a flashback sequence became the calendar girl killer. Which is something. However, to have to wait a whole hour for someone to die is unacceptable. In fairness again, after the flashback origin story is over we do see a faceless man, one wearing lipstick and a nurse's uniform, stab a mirror in anger. Which, I have to say, is also something.

(Hold on, it sounds like you're starting to like this film.) No, I'm just pointing some of the things that didn't annoy me. (Nah, I know you, you're trying to somehow spin this into a positive review.) So what if I am? Is it a crime to like this movie? I mean, the photo shoots are pretty fucking amazing. (Pretty fucking amazing, eh? Can you hear yourself? You sound like a dumbass.) I don't care, this movie is staring to grow on me.

Does anyone know the name of the goth-metal all-girl band who play the patio party? I didn't think so. Anyway, Dona Speir's Nancy Johnson, who's dressed in all-white, and her date arrive at said patio party. Introduced to Alan (Troy Donahue), the assistant to a big shot photographer, it doesn't take long for Nancy to piss him off. Like I said, this version of Dona Speir doesn't take crap from anyone, as she puts this "assistant" in his place in record time.

Sitting alone by the hot tub, Nancy notices that her date is flirting with another woman. Due to faulty heels, the woman he's flirting with slips out of her shoes and knocks Nancy into the hot tub. In a strange twist, Dona's character seems angry that she was pushed into a hot tub. How is that strange, you ask? Well, in the Andy Sidaris films, Dona spends most of her time happily submerged in hot tubs. So, to see her upset to be in a hot tub was somewhat atypical.

Humiliated by the hot tub incident, Nancy allows Alan to comfort her. This leads to Nancy getting a private photo shoot with Jack Akerman (Ross Hagen), one of the most sought after photographers in the business. Starting off in a fur coat, the shoot gradually leads to Nancy taking off all her clothes to saxophone music. My favourite points of the shoot was when Dona Speir is wearing nothing but a gold lamé top and when Jack tells her to "burn my camera."

In the next scene, we see Jack cruising Chinatown for models. I guess he needed one more, cause the woman he picked in Chinatown can be seen in participating in an elaborate photo shoot involving guns.

If this is all beginning to sound a little like Eyes of Laura Mars, you're absolutely right, it is. Interviewing a model named Cindy (Keely Sims), Jack tells her his latest project is a calendar called "Deadly Weapons," and that he wants her to be a part of it. "Is there any nudity," she asks him reluctantly. To which he responds, "Only your legs." I dig this guy's style.

The plan is to make a calendar the world will never forget. And who wouldn't want to be a part of that? Shit! Here comes Johnny (Gregory Scott Cummins) right on time. (Who's Johnny?) Oh, you know, he's the boyfriend who disapproves that is his girlfriend is a model. (Ewww, he's one of those?) Yeah, and get this, he rides a motorbike. In other words, there's no way he'll understand Jack's work, which he basically dismisses as trashy pornography.

I don't think Johnny deserves a girlfriend like Cindy, especially one who wears an orange skirt with a white belt and a baggy jean jacket. I'm just saying.

The three minute long scene where Cindy poses for Jack wielding a chainsaw is actually better than the entirety of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. (Okay, now you're talking crazy.) You're right, that was crazy-talk. But still, the sight of Keely Sims with a chainsaw is quite the show-stopper.

Does anyone know what happened to Dona Speir's character? She disappears after the fur coat/gold lamé top photo shoot. Was she killed? Did she quit modeling? Land a role on All My Children? Where is she?

At any rate, Johnny follows Jack and Cindy to a super-secret photo shoot out in the sticks. This, of course, causes some friction between Johnny and Cindy, and not the fun kind. Actually, that's not entirely true; Johnny and Cindy do engage in some angry, split-second make up sex at one point. Friction or not, Johnny seems determined to ruin Cindy's modeling career. Realizing this, Jack decides to use Johnny's expertise when it comes to motorcycles to his advantage by asking to participate in the photo shoots. Yawn.

As Jack doing a private shoot with Cindy (one that includes a heavy metal wig and a shotgun), fellow models Rhonda (an uncredited Juliette Cummins) and Lisa (Susan Jennifer Sullivan) are fighting over Johnny by the pool. If the names of the actresses who play the other models sound familiar, that's because Juliette's in Slumber Party Massacre II and Susan's in Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood. In an out of left field plot development, Lisa pussyblocks Rhonda big time. That's right, just as Rhonda, utilizing her amazing legs, was about to seal the deal with Johnny, Lisa swoops in and bungles her chances. In other words, no cock for Rhonda.

Instead, Rhonda will have to contend with being mock raped by a couple of cavemen. (Huh?) The photo shoot Jack has planned for the day involves all sorts of violent acts. And one of them features Rhonda dressed as a cavegirl being violated by a couple of cavemen. Other motifs include: Big haired blonde with a pistol, Asian model with a sword, Lisa in a zebra-print leotard, a flamenco dancer, and a pirate.

The next day's photo shoot is even wilder, as it takes place outdoors and involves wrecked cars and large machine guns.

If you look carefully, you'll see Juliette Cummins sitting by the pool drinking a can of Coors beer at one point. So, you say? Well, the expression on her face during this particular sequence, one that involves a jealous boyfriend getting in a fight with a male model, pretty much sums up my attitude toward this film. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally down with the premise, it's just that the execution leaves little to be desired.

Warning: When the killing finally gets underway, there's a murder sequence that takes place in a bedroom that employs a strobe light for an extended period of time. You might want to shield your eyes or fast-forward past this scene as it could cause unwanted seizures,

Hard Hunted (Andy Sidaris, 1992)

If I saw Becky Mullen walking down the street, I would approach her--in, of course, the most sheepish manner possible--and tell her that she single-handedly restored my faith in Andy Sidaris, the writer-director of such classics as Picasso Trigger, Savage Beach and Guns. And let's say I did have the opportunity to speak with her, I think our encounter would have gone a little something like this: (Yum-Yum): Hey, Becky! (Becky): ??? (Yum-Yum): Becky! (Becky): ??? (Yum-Yum): Becky! (Becky): Get away from me, creep. (Yum-Yum): I will in a second, I just wanted to tell you that your performance in Hard Hunted was amazing. No, scratch that, it was...spectacular. Yes, it was spectacular! (Becky): Hard what? (Yum-Yum): You remember, Hard Hunted. You play Becky, the plucky intern/hot tub enthusiast at KSXY. (Becky): Oh, yeah. Don't I just stand around in a red bikini pouring coffee for most of that movie? (Yum-Yum): It's true, you do stand around a lot, and you do seem to pour a lot of coffee. But the way did both was so compelling, that I stripped down to my bra and panties and started to rock back and forth in the foetel position every time you appeared onscreen. (Becky): Is that a good thing? (Yum-Yum): I don't know, you tell me. (Becky): I'd rather not. (Yum-Yum): Yeah, it's probably better if you didn't. Either way, you ruled in this movie. (Becky): Thanks. (Yum-Yum): So, you wanna go get some beef jerky, maybe rent a Pauly Shore movie? I hear Son-in-Law is a real hoot. (Becky): Nah, I gotta go lance a boil. Maybe some other time. (Yum-Yum): Bye, Becky from Hard Hunted. You not only restored my faith in Andy Sidaris, but my faith in humanity. (Becky): Um, okay. Bye.

Why is Becky Mullen lancing boils, you ask? Well, in my world, Becky gave up acting/bikini modeling in the mid-90s to become a dermatologist who specializes in lancing boils. Anyway, after the debacle that was Do or Die, me and Andy Sidaris weren't exactly on speaking terms. After taking a bit of self-imposed Andy Sidaris sabbatical, I began to eyeball The Andy Sidaris Collection once again. Determined not to have a  repeat of what happened the last time I sat down to watch an Andy Sidaris film, I approached the next film on the docket with just right amount of caution.

My trepidation melted away almost immediately, as Andy Sidaris gives us two sexy babes in black stockings right out of the gate. However, the film is technically a continuation of what occurred in Do or Die. Meaning, secret agents Donna Hamilton (Dona Speir) and Nicole Justin (Roberta Vasquez) are still on the trail of a super-villain named Kane. The only difference being Kane is now played by Geoffrey Moore and the film takes place almost exclusively in Hawaii and Lake Havasu City. If you remember correctly, most of Do or Die was shot in the swamps of Louisiana. Don't get me wrong, I love the swamp, it's just not that conducive to bikini-clad action sequences.

On a yacht located somewhere off the coast of Hawaii, Silk (Carolyn Liu) and Mika (Mika Quintard) are busy putting on a lesbian lingerie show for the crotch-based benefit of their boss Kane, a man whose thirst for power and riches is almost as great as his thirst for hot chicks in black stockings. Excited to finally get his hands on a jade Buddha figurine, one that contains the trigger to a nuclear bomb, Kane is on well his way to getting the power and riches he desires so thirstily. (I don't know, he seems pretty powerful and rich already.) Yeah, but they always end up wanting more.

The only problem with Kane's plan is that Silk and Mika are both in cahoots with the federal government. That's right, they're spies. While Silk is deep undercover, Mika is only mildly so. Which means, it's up to Mika to steal the jade Buddha from Kane. With the help of a windsurfer named Cole (Buzzy Kerbox), Mika manages to get jade Buddha away from Kane.

Meanwhile, over in Molokai, Edy Stark (Cynthia Brimhall) is back doing what she does best: singing cheesy pop songs for braindead tourists.

Arriving at Edy's with a leggy authority, Ava (Ava Cadell) gets out of her yellow jeep, plants her left leg on the pavement with a ton of gusto, and proceeds to make her way to KSXY studios, a radio station located near of back of Edy's. I don't know 'bout you, but it was weird seeing someone so large-breasted act so leggy. At any rate, removing her leopard print sarong, to reveal a leopard print bikini, Ava, despite being born in Hungary, grabs the mic and starts uttering English words with a breathtaking ease. Am I crazy, or is Ava Cadell's command of the English language far greater than everyone else who appears in this film?

I hope you don't mind, but I just did a little research on Ava Cadell, and it says that she attended school in England and is the author of at least seven books. Hot damn! I knew there was something more to Ava Cadell than just her giant tits. You can tell just by listening to the way she talks that she's got a lot going on when it comes to thinking thoughts and junk.

On the opposite end of the thinking spectrum, there's Becky Mullen. Wait, that didn't come out right. She might think thoughts, but she doesn't exactly get a chance to think all that much in Hard Hunted. Nevertheless, Becky Mullen plays Becky, the, according to Shane Abilene (Michael J. Shane), "outrageously gorgeous," agent in training who spends most of the movie getting Ava coffee in a red bikini.

Don't forget, Becky shoots three beer cans off a fence using Shane's .44 magnum, gets a fax, and hoses down a radio antenna. Oh, yeah, she totally does those things.

I might get around to explaining why Becky needed to hose down the KSXY radio antenna or I might not. Let's see how the next few paragraphs go first, shall we?

If you're wondering where Mika's headed with the jade Buddha, she's been instructed by Ava and Edy to meet up with Donna Hamilton and Nicole Justin, whose buttcracks are currently being strangled by something called a "thong" in the wilds of Arizona. I know, skimpy swimwear and Arizona aren't exactly a natural fit--and judging by the way they're going to town on their respective buttcracks, neither are the thongs--but just go with it.

Do you think Kane is going to sit idly by and let some double-crossing bimbo steal his jade Buddha? Think again. Kane sicks Al Leong's Raven and his super-cool gyro on her ass.

You know how I was surprised by the sharpness of Ava Cadell's brain? Well, I wasn't surprised at all by Al Leong and his ability to rule. And believe me, Al Leong rules so hard in this movie, it's not even funny.

Okay, I'm think ready to explain why Becky was asked to hose down the KSXY radio antenna. Apparently water helps strengthen the antenna's signal. That seems plausible. And the reason it needed strengthening was because Ava was trying to relay a message to Donna, who was being held captive by Pico (Rodrigo Obregón), the eye-patch-sporting leader of a gang of smugglers. Only problem being, Donna has amnesia. (Oh, no. Does that mean Dona Speir is going to try to act?) I'm afraid so. And get this, Roberta Vasquez tries to act as well. (Oh, the humanity.)

Luckily, Chu Chu Malave and Richard Cansino show up just in time to negate Dona and Roberta's feeble attempt to stretch their acting muscles (they should stick to doing what they do best, and that is, nothing). Playing, what else, bumbling assassins, Chu Chu (Wiley) and Richard (Coyote) are hired by Kane to kill Edy and Lucas (Tony Peck, who has replaced William Bumiller as the head honcho). Using their ACME Hovercraft A33Z, Chu Chu and Richard, while not dressed in drag like they were in Guns, bring some much needed intentional comic relief to the proceedings, as their hit on Edy and Lucas doesn't exactly go as planned.

(What do you mean, "doesn't exactly go as planned"?) Well, let's just say, Lucas is a master fisherman and Edy has a nasty surprise lurking underneath her sarong.

In a rare misstep, Andy Sidaris' decision to include a love scene right smack-dab in the middle of the film's explosive finale was ill-conceived, as it ruined the flow of the movie. Actually, I think he might have included two love scenes during the explosive finale. Either way, they took me out of picture. Nevertheless, Hard Hunted is a definite improvement over the tepid Do or Die, as it contains all the ingredients I look for in an Andy Sidaris film. Now, if you'll excuse, I gotta go see Becky Mullen about getting a boil lanced.